Fellow birth mother and writer, Denise Roessle, who had her own birth mother blog until a few months ago, suggested a topic for us the other day, which she calls "adoption debt." I was not sure what she meant, but she revisits the topic of the anger our children whom we relinquished towards us, now matter what the circumstances. We have written about this before, here and here. As well as here.
Additionally, Jane of our own Birth Mother, First Mother Forum has done an extensive study of the feelings of the adoptees that come clear in their memoirs, which I hope she will post very soon. What follows below is from Denise Roessle:
In this recent post on my “Write-O-Holic” blog — HATRED OF THE GOOD — I wrote of my son’s continuing mission to punish me for the crime of having given him up for adoption 39 years ago. My apologies, explanations of the circumstances and the era, and 13 years of trying to hold onto our relationship haven’t been enough for him. He has repeatedly told me, and others, that he wants me to suffer as he has. One week he’s plotting and threatening, the next he’s making overtures to try again.
I no longer trust him and it breaks my heart.
I received a number of emails from mothers who have had similar experiences in reunion. Our grown children did not reject us, nor we them. We want to be in each other’s lives. But at some point the price to be paid becomes too high, perhaps unpayable.
I’m wondering how many others are caught in the trap of “adoption debt.” We can’t change the past. But our children cannot forgive us. My son didn’t have a good childhood or early adulthood (or current life for that matter). Many adoptees did and yet they are determined to hurt their mothers, fathers and other first family members.
How can we possibly make it up to them? What does it take?--Denise Roessle