The following letter was written by an adoptive mother from the state that knows about CLOSED adoptions, Texas.
But she gives me heart and hope, because there are many adoptive parents who understand a birth mother's pain and do not wish us dead or a missing person.
I would like to introduce myself, my name is Daria Williams and I am an adoptive mom from Texas. I am a friend of _____-- your child's biological mother.
I came to know her from an adoption support group on a website called Cafemom. We developed a friendship that is now about three years old. She is also my friend on Facebook and although we have not met in "real" life, I know her to be a very wonderful and caring person.
She has helped me with some of my adoption issues and I hope that I have helped her with some of hers. During all this, we shared many things and have gotten to know each other on a level that is probably better than that of some people I know in person.
She did not ask me to write this letter to you. I offered because I have hopes that if you hear from another adoptive parent, you might consider opening up your adoption relationship with _____.
Obviously due to the geographical distance between your two families, _____ realizes that visiting with ______ is not something that can be arranged too easily, but she would just love to be able to receive letters about _______ and pictures, etc. I know it would thrill her to open up the communications between you all.
An open adoption can be a frightening thing at first so even though I don't know you, I can guess at how you might feel. You might wonder if your child will love you any differently, will they be confused?
From my own experience I can tell you that this has not been the case. I have three sons, my middle son is adopted. He will be six next March. He has had his biological family in his life from the very beginning. When he was three or so we began to explain who his biological mother was in very basic, age appropriate terms. He knows he grew in her tummy. He knows she was not able to parent him at that point in her life.
We see her every three months or so. He has a relationship with her that I would probably compare to that of an aunt. He still most certainly views me as "Mommy" and my husband as "Daddy". :)
I hope you have read this far. I know it must be odd to get a letter from a stranger. I just care about _____ so much and wanted to help if I could.
_____ does not want to intrude on your lives or upset or confuse ______. She would just cherish being able to see and/or receive pictures on a regular basis and know how _____ is doing. And maybe someday when everyone is comfortable, you could all meet.
I truly believe that our children will love us all the more for answering all questions and removing the unknown in their adoptions. I don't know how much you have read about adoptee issues, but it is a great comfort to know who you look like, who you get your talents from and to know above all that you were and are loved by the people who created you.
You might feel uncomfortable calling me, but in case you would like to talk, my phone numbers are: Cell _________ and Home ________. We live in Bandera, Texas about an hour from San Antonio. Under normal circumstances I would not give out my numbers or personal information to strangers. I hope it conveys to you how strongly I feel about ________ that I am giving you these. :)
Thank you for reading this and I hope to hear from you either by email or a phone call.
What happened? The adoptive father of the child contacted a lawyer. Daria wrote back:
Subject: RE: On behalf of _________
Date: Mon, 25 Oct 2010
I do not understand what an attorney has to do with this? I am merely appealing to you as a human being. A human being who made a promise to a young woman who gifted you and your wife with a precious child. I am confused on what harm it can do to send her pictures? She is in Minnesota and you are in California - you have a great distance between you to act as a "buffer". It's not as if she would show up on your doorstep even if she lived close enough to do that. She does not wish to disturb your lives. She just wishes to have pictures and updates - something you and your wife promised her.
Have you ever stopped to wonder what your kids will think of you when they grow up and find out how you deceived their biological mother?
During Adoption BEWAREness Month, let us all who read this remember this started out as a promised "open adoption." I know they exist--Daria has one--but the unofficial number of how many close--inadvertently disclosed by a Bethany CHRISTIAN SERVICES social worker--was eighty percent. How do those people live with themselves? What do they tell themselves when they are in church on Sunday singing hymns?
I wish there was some good news to add here, but there isn't. As I am working now with people outside the world of adoption reform, I hear that open adoptions are the norm in some places, such as California. But here is one in that supposedly liberal state that ended up closed.