Let me begin by saying I have the utmost respect for you, for your truth and your courage and your writing. I have gained unfathomable insights from your blog, and from your writings and insights. As an adoptee who found her mother too late (she had already passed) you and Jane and your contributors have helped me "know" my mother.
However, I again, recoil, from your trying to explain how the adoptee feels, and the affects that adoption has had on us. Frankly, I resent it. I resent the hostility that Megan has been attacked with, I resent your telling the blog world how I feel, because you don't know. You just don't. I resent that you would assume and attempt to express my feelings accurately. Not because I don't think you are positive to our cause or our healing, but because you just don't have that experience. I would never dream of trying to present your experience in writing, to anyone. I accept your experience, as is.
ASK AN ADOPTEE
My "input" would be.... the next time you want to showcase an adoptee's experience, you would ask an adoptee to contribute, to write, to express it as is. Not to rely on what you have studied, or observed, because it's not the same. Just as I could study and observe mother's who have suffered this tragedy, I could never relate or communicate the true nature of the pain or the reality. I ask the you refrain from the same. While there may be a gross and skewed truth in the facts you quote, there is not a true "adoptee" experience, the disenfranchisement, the subtle suppression that exists even in your supportive comments, really offends at a basic level. If you want your blog to have an adoptee perspective, please please, ask one to contribute. Ms. Marginalia would be an awesome start....
Again, it's hard to face the rejection of any "Mom" and speak how we really feel, but I really wish you would stick to your experience, and let me have mine...
TAMARA AND ALL:
WE have tried really really hard here not to speak for adoptees, or say how they "feel," or interpret their own actions in terms of their feelings--but instead talk about how this affects us.
However, in trying to fathom how why react to us in ways that seem odd or unfathomable, we can only imagine what must be going on--we react to what happens to us, as we try to build a relationship.
I don't know where we crossed the line in saying how the adoptee feels; we understand that we cannot know. What we have published here is how we feel about what they do, how we react to their push and pull that we feel after reunion, and look sometimes at studies of adoptees. I do think it is valid to report on them, as we are the mothers who created "adoptees," and I believe we have done that with respect.
And let us repeat again that when Jane began blogging about about her daughter, she thought that their relationship had come to an end. If nothing else, this blog has reopened communication between them and when Jane returns I know she will read all of Megan's comments, which I do not believe she has yet, including one that surprised me :).
However, everyone has the right to explore and write about their own experiences. Once we did post a blog contributed by an adoptee in search (it's now a permenent page), and I do appreciate the comments from all the adoptees (and I'm glad to see you back!) who come with their own experiences to relate, but first and foremost, we are First Mother Forum.
BLOG SUBMISSIONS CONSIDERED
That does not mean I would not entertain submissions for blog posts on relevant topics--especially now when I am looking for a little break. It does seems to us that the people who comment are at least half adoptees. I can be reached through the email address at my info page, and I look forward to hearing from some of you. But the posts would have to be fresh one for this blog alone, not repeats of what is at your blog. Understand I will retain editorial control and while the posts may be perfectly good ones, I will always be considering the post from the viewpoint of a first mother, writing for others who relinquished.
And now--I'm off on a bicycle ride with my brother who is visiting from Michigan with his wife. They dropped off their youngest daughter yesterday at the Fashion Institute of Technology where she is starting school. Everybody have a good day. --lorraine
Jane here: Since there is lingering confusion about whether I had a relationship with Megan when I began blogging. I will lay out the facts, I hope, for the last time. In April, 2008, Megan wrote a letter to the Bloomington, Illinois paper,-without copying me--opposing adoptee access to original birth certificates. This came on the heels of other major disagreements. Megan knew that I supported adoptee access. I learned of Megan's letter from a comment on the CUB list. I sent a letter to the Bloomington paper supporting adoptee access and copied Megan. We had a couple of short telephone conversations in which she informed me that she believed all unmarried mothers should place their children for adoption. I sent her several emails inviting her to our family reunion in July in Chicago (100 miles from where she lived). She declined to come. On August 20, she emailed me, asking me to stop sending her children birthday presents.
Lorraine began First Mother Forum in July, 2008 and asked me to join her. I did not post anything until August 23, when I wrote about Megan's request to stop sending birthday presents concluding that she wished to extinguish our relationship. We had virtually no communication until early this year when Megan came upon FMF.