|How I feel today|
Is it okay to be cranky about adopters who know you relinquished a child but can't seem to help themselves from saying mildly aggressive things, such as, "They (her adoptive parents) are not her adoptive parents, "they are her parents." Period.
Really? If they are not her adoptive parents, but just her parents, how come they had to "adopt" my daughter? I stand there with a mildly stunned look on my face, and think, Geeze, you sure are sensitive about being "adoptive parents," but you know, you really don't look Chinese...and your daughter does.
Feeling very irritated today about the adoptive-parent saints who say (and have said to me) the nastiest things:
From a non-parent but godparent to an adoptee [see above] and a friend to Gladney adoptive parents: "What part of your pie-chart was not selfish when you looked for your daughter?"
Not much to say about that one. But no wonder some first parents/birth parents are afraid to search for their sons and daughters.
"We took our [adopted] daughter to .... Guatemala, China, wherever, and she wasn't the least interested in the culture...." while shooting a meaningful look at me and so glad to have told me that....because you know, we NATURAL MOTHERS are just chopped liver and have no right to have feelings. Because you are trying to tell me that the relationship I had with my [adopted out] daughter, was the exception, not the rule....Implied: Our daughter would never be interested in her birth mother because we saw to that, we are such good [adoptive] parents. She never talks about being adopted....
"Excuse me, Lorraine's daughter is her BIRTH daughter." Said to a friend of mine shortly after my daughter died and said friend was talking about the funeral with my husband. I was not present. Whenever I see this woman who made the above statement, I want to ask her about her ADOPTED DAUGHTER....
"My cousin has an adopted child and he is totally not interested in...he fits right in and has never expressed any interest in finding his BIRTH parents." Bully for him. He must not be very bright because curiosity is normally seen as a sign of intelligence is what I would like to say but have never had the courage to say it to someone's face. Only in the area of adoption is curiosity seen as pathology. And you know that he feels like a part of your family that has a storied history in Revolutionary times because he's told you so? Because he has shared his deepest feelings about being adopted with you?
From an adoptive grandmother: "I don't like what you write on the blog." Cool. Don't read it.
Upon an adoptive grandfather (of a child from Siberia) learning that my daughter to whom I gave birth lived here with me and my husband several summers (and some winters) and even had a job here in my town: "You are our greatest nightmare."
The hostess of the dinner party walked in at that moment with the dessert. That may be my favorite comment of all because that statement really indicates the power of blood and the deep understanding that adopters have of its pull.
"You are nothing but a reproductive agent." Stunned I was but it did happen. This person is friends with the above "nightmare" speaker. Kinda lets me know what they say about birth mothers when birth mothers are not within earshot.
From an adoptive mother: "Don't say, 'gave up your daughter,' it sounds like you were drowning." You know what, I was. And you know what else, I did "give up." I did not see any other solution. Make an "adoption plan?" Does a drowning man "make a plan" to swim to the life preserver, or does he just do the only thing he can to save his life? Up to that moment, I had considered her a friend, quite sensitive to all the issues. I looked at her and said: You know, I did give up. That's how Jane came to be adopted." That was the last time this woman and I had lunch.
Then, reaching back in time to 1979, "Why did you write that book?" Meaning: why couldn't you just shut up and stay in the corner and let adoptions be adoptions...without all this commotion?
Oh, I just wrote it to screw you personally over, I'd like to say.
"What gave you the right?" Sometimes said in bold-faced anger and indignation.
Uh, well, actually, I got the right the minute I felt I had no choice but to sign the surrender paper and let someone else raise her--actually that gave me the right, you insensitive jerk.
How about the rest of you? Had any good lines or questions thrown at you? You DON'T have to be an "out" birth mother to enjoy the slings and arrows of clods, and we hope you will all--secret first mother or out--add your own ah-hah! moments in the comments.--lorraine
Here is that book that caused all that trouble. Looks pretty innocent, doesn't it?
Sometimes it is really wonderful and energizing to be around someone you don't have to explain anything to. They just get it. I've just had such a day. All you folks going to Chicago to take part in the parade and lobby state legislators--good luck and good fellowship. I'm with you in spirit.