' [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Kohl's adoption-reunion video sparks debate. Of course.
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Friday, December 18, 2015

Kohl's adoption-reunion video sparks debate. Of course.

At last a company has made a video clip that celebrates reunion--rather than relinquishment!  It's the first time I've seen a commercial company focus on reunion between mother and child rather than separation! So I'd like to salute Kohl's for doing so. This popped up today on Lavender Luz's open adoption blog and I had to share this immediately.



It has over 300,000 views at this point, so this is not exactly breaking news, but still--it's a feel good
moment for us mothers and adoptees around Christmas time. There are 156 comments at this time, and they are all over the place--appreciative, censuring and in between. What do you think?

YEAH!
I am adopted, and watching this video, I seriously wanted to cry, cause I have wanted to know who my parents were. I understand that yes my adoptive mom loves me, and she takes care of me. But I would like to know who my birth mom is, so I can see who I am, kind of weird, like physical traits, and maybe some Character traits. And I don't find this video insulting, I find it as hope for me to find my birth parents.  
+Ws Birthmom That's an awesome offer of help! It makes me angry and sad that records are so hard to get for adoptees. Adopted children aren't possessions, they're people. Everyone has a right to their original birth certificate. We, of course, have our copy from finalization, but I'd love to get the original for my son. Just not sure how to go about it. 
They are so adorable....I love them to pieces. So glad they found each other to fill the voids in their hearts. And talk about cute, OMG, he is so adorable. So happy for them.
I want to meet my dad I am 11 years old and I haven't met my dad since I was 1 year old because he had to much tickets in California so he had to go back Mexico so he can't come until he gets papers so I haven't met him in 11 years๐Ÿ˜Ÿ๐Ÿ˜”
I was adopted at the age of three and if I ever met my birth mom I have no clue what I would call her because well she hasn't been my mom. Sure she's my biological mother, but she's not my mom. This really touched me because he's defiantly lucky to have a birth mom who has her life together.
 BOO!
Kohl should be ashamed for perpetuating the myth of the joy of finding birth parents.  I found this video insulting to adoptive parents.  That woman in the video is NOT his real mom.  She is a birth mother, she's no different than a woman who is paid to carry a baby.  His REAL mom is the woman who fretted and agonized over him, who felt pain when he  become so ill she didn't know whether or not he would live and she was willing to give up her life for him.  His REAL mom,is the woman who put her drams aside to be there for him and , taking on all his financial responsibility, a woman who knew the importance of sacrifice to ensure the best for him.  That woman in the video is not his real mom, she never sacrificed anything for him, never took financial responsibility for him, she wasn't there when he was going through the growing up pains.  Let's not celebrate the birth mom, she didn't contribute anything to his growing up years, instead let's celebrate his REAL MOM - THE WOMAN WHO ADOPTED AND RAISED HIM! (No comment except, we've heard this before.)
After reunion with Jane (at rear): My Mom, Jane's daughter, me
Certainly the cost of adopting has gotten way out of hand! My niece paid TWO lawyers each 15K to adopt a toddler out of state. Also the cost of searching with a Private Investigator is beyond the reach of many (and they don't even know that it is an option!) (Note: not sure how this fits the scenario, but it is why adoptive families think of the babies they acquire as possessions--pretty damn expensive ones and they better live up to their cost!)
I'm planning on adopting, even though I have three biological children. I'm just surprised that he's going to have the holidays, and his birthday with his "real" mom, and what happens to the family who adopted him during that time? I understand, and yet I don't; if I had to choose between the parents who around gave me up, for whatever reason, and the ones who loved and raised me all my life, I would have my holidays with them, and never make my adoptive parents feel at all insecure, as if they're not enough - my numerous uno. (And she knows this because...this woman has never been separated from her blood family.)  
Kohl's should be ashamed of itself. This commercial is absolute rubbish. Painting adoptive parents as anything other than "REAL PARENTS" is insulting and categorically untrue. Calling birth parents "REAL PARENT" is abhorrent. I will no longer be doing business with your store and will encourage my family and friends to do the same.
Fake and gay (What is the writer talking about?)
Certainly the web with its anonymity allows people to make their true feelings felt. How did you feel about the video--we'd love to hear from all sides. And thanks to Lori Holden, author of The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption for making me aware of this clip.--lorraine

I intended to write about my trip to Michigan to my granddaughter's graduation today but this is too good to not share right this afternoon. I'll be back soon with a report from Michigan.

ALSO FROM FMF

When your adopted child wants to visit her birth mother...


Please order from Amazon through FMF for the holidays--just click on the book links to get to amazon and order anything--including my book, Hole In My Heart: memoir and report from the fault lines of adoption. A stocking stuff for yourself, for a friend, for your mother in the closet? Thanks! 

Says Betsie Norris, Ohio adoptee advocate for open records: "A wonderful book! Through this memoir Lorraine Dusky does an amazing job weaving not only her life story but an impressive history of adoption reform and the political climate impacting it. Highly recommended."

Lori Holden's book:
The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption: Helping Your Child Grow Up Whole

"Holden’s debut is an insightful, heartfelt exploration of open adoption, an evolving arrangement that has been growing in popularity over the last 20 years. Her endorsement is personal; she has two children from open adoptions and maintains that openness helps heal adoption’s split between a person’s “biology” and “biography”. She references open adoption as a “process” that encourages high-functioning relationships between birth parents, extended family members, and adopted parents. Open, honest, age-appropriate dialogue with adopted children about their biological background is stressed....Anecdotes from birth parents, adoptive parents, and adult adopted children are included, establishing rapport between readers and real-life families. Holden skillfully covers many bases, including potential “bumps in the road,” offering appendices and resources for further guidance."(Publishers Weekly)

55 comments :

  1. So very beautiful - the people, the sentiments, the story, the reunion. I have a headache from crying, and I am supposed to be working (thank goodness I have a home office!)

    How in the world could adoptive parents be offended by this?!!! I found absolutely nothing in this commercial that minimized adoptive parents in any way. Get over your insecurities, people, and celebrate who your children are.

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  2. I am both a natural mother in reunion with my adult son and the adoptive mother of an adult son, as well as mother of two more children born to me. A child has ONE mother, the woman who gave birth to him. I stood in place of that woman for my adopted son because of circumstances beyond anyone's control. He was born at the end of the Vietnam war and abandoned. I was his mother from when he was nine months old; I loved him as a baby, and I love him still, and if I could help him find his Vietnamese mother I would leap at the chance. He has every right to that information and that relationship if he wants it. I don't see how his knowing his own history could impact our relationship except in a positive way. This video is not insulting to adoptive parents; it's a reminder that every adopted child has emerged from profound loss. The adoptive parents love and happiness do not and cannot assuage that loss entirely. Adoptive parents who fret about their children's natural parents need to grow up and put their kids, not their own insecurities, first.

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  3. It is important to acknowledge that there are two sets of real parents - the natural parents and the adoptive parents. There should be no secrets around this fact. Most realize that adoptive parents who raise a child qualify as real parents. It is hard for the adopted person to be pulled between the two sets of parents. Reunion is natural. Kudos to Kohl's.

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  4. I'm lucky because I grew up with parents who let me have two "real" parents. In fact my mom was the one who encouraged me to call my mother, mom, when I was about 14. It's a beautiful video as far as I am concerned. What does make me sad is that we need these kinds of videos at all. Even if there is a necessity of for adoption we shouldn't have to lose our identity and our other family for that to happen.

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    1. Beautiful statement coming from what is obviously a beautiful soul.

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  5. Very sweet, made me cry a bit when they hugged. Fooey on the commenters who didn't like it. This is life in the 21st century, reunions happen every day, get used to it.

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  6. How could adoptive parents find a problem with this ad? It promotes adoption and paints the adoptive parents as heroes. The young man attributes to everything e has in life to being adopted. His mother made the right decision and so on.

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    1. Oh, that is obvious. The young man explicitly acknowledges the reality of his real mother, and that is already too much for them to accept.

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    2. Saying that his mother made the right decision is what bothered me. As a mother who didn't get to make a "decision," was offered no options, I resent when it's automatically referred to that way. Also, as you said, Jane, that he had everything he needed because he was adopted. He doesn't know what he might have had if his mother had raised him. And a lot of adoptees aren't that "lucky."

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    3. I think it is sad that they portrayed him as having everything only because he was adopted.... that is not always the truth... and probably isn't the truth here either. Sorry, I just think it is a placebo.

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    4. Having experienced the post reunion backlash with my Adoptive Parents, I agree totally with Theodore. Some, not all, adoptive parents want to remain in a bubble and continue to pretend that their children do not have other parents. Lori, you are right on. Again, just from my experience- which is limited- outside of the cultural stigma of single motherhood in the late 60's, I would have had similar opportunities regarding education and college,
      as my first parents were/are professionals in medical fields.

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  7. I know I differed from some here in this opinion, but I think this reunion positive ad and the two gay dads Cheerios ad and the mixed race family Cheerios ad all showed positive ways in which families are changing, and put all of these things, reunions, gay parents, and mixed race parents, in the realm of normal life as usual today. I see this as a good thing in all of these advertisements. Diversity is the new normal and should be celebrated.

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  8. I'd be curious how the negative commenters are connected to adoption. Open adoption is common now, and aside from other things often discussed on this site about the long way still to go with how adoption is handled, I don't know many newer domestic adoptive parents who have absolutely zero contact with the natural family or at least have the info to tell their child when they are older who their parents are. I am wondering how many of these commenters were actually APs and how many were just people who like to be offended on behalf of others based on their own personal perceptions?

    The one PAP is in for an interesting time of it as most agencies (and I talked to a dozen and have viewed sites for many others) discuss the importance of open adoption and some type of connection with the natural family. Based on our experience at an agency run state training required for adoption, her thinking is discouraged. Open adoption really sells the idea of adoption to moms on the fence about placing their kids, so if this PAP hasn't started the process, she's going to find her opinion being questioned a bit by an agency because it doesn't fit in with their views (mostly, I believe, because the promise of an open adoption is so alluring to moms, but still, there it is).

    I only wonder this because I get an amazing amount of pushback from people not related to adoption when I reveal that we are in a very open adoption, and when I talk positively about my daughter's mom, and especially when I don't use the "birth" prefix before mother when referring to her. You'd be amazed the number of people who feel the need to assure me I am my daughter's "real mom," and they try to argue back when I demure and say she has another mom who is arguably more real than I, and I don't need to diminish that to love my daughter. I've actually lost friends over my view of adoption, and they were friends who were not adoptive parents or adoptees, and in some cases, people who didn't even know anyone who had adopted. They just really badly want to have this rosy view of adoption and how wonderful it is, I guess, and my challenging that was not kindly received. On the other hand, I have met, IRL and online, many APs who absolutely acknowledge the importance of their child's natural family.

    I'm not saying there aren't still APs who feel the same as the negative commenters. There are. I'm just curious and wish people would identify their adoption connection when posting because I find it very odd when people who aren't connected to adoption, personally, have such heated reactions to a reunion.

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    1. " I've actually lost friends over my view of adoption, and they were friends who were not adoptive parents or adoptees, and in some cases, people who didn't even know anyone who had adopted."

      I have had the same experience. I now have a strained (although I hope not irreparably)relationship with a once close friend because of my outspoken views which are contrary to the normative views of adoption in American culture. Ever since a family member of hers came out as gay, she is expecting to have an adopted family member and has done a 180, becoming totally rah-rah about adoption. This, despite having been supportive of my position for years.

      I do get annoyed with non-adoptees being the experts on the experience of being adopted. And I am even sick of polls and commentary, etc., by those not directly impacted trying to determine whether or not I should have the right to know who my own parents are, and, if we so desire, to reunite. Of course I do. It should not be up to anyone else to decide.

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    2. I haven't lost friends over my views about adoption but I know I've antagonized a few acquaintances on a few occasions when the subject turned to adoption.

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  9. I really can't blame aparents for feeling slighted by this video, and angry. Although the aparents are spoken of in the video, they are not represented (they do not appear). In any case, we have to remember that this is a VERY small slice-of-life sample in a multifaceted situation that is, and always will be, complex and conflicted, painful and sad, as well as happy.

    Perhaps this video seems simplistic in its representation, but it's inarguable that any adopted child would want to, and have a right to, meet and know their birth parent(s).

    I think this is a beautiful story, and it made me very happy to see it. I wish the aparents were included, though, I would have loved to hear from them. Perhaps some aparents who see this video view it as thinking of aparents as an afterthought - when most of the child's life "story" belongs to them, and their devotion and hard work. Just a guess.

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    1. Why would adoptive parents be included in a reunion between a mother and her child, now an adult? Talk about a third wheel...

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    2. Who cares if they are angry. As usual, it is all about them, or so they think. The reality of the situation is that is not all about them and they can't stand it. Most of the child's "story" belongs to them? BELONGS, as if owns, you mean. The child's "story" starts with his mother and without her they would have none of this child's life or story. Cry me a river, please.

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    3. Perhaps it's that I can identify and relate. My two sons' aparents were kind and generous to them. The afather in particular really was a great role model, and is responsible for the two happy, good men they are today. I can't take any credit for that, although I deserve credit for placing them for adoption to remove them from danger. I owe the aparents much, more than I can express.

      The reality is that the aparents are 1/3 of the adoption triad that is always discussed - this cannot be ignored.

      In this instance, the bmother placed her child for adoption at 2 years old. The first 2 years of his story belongs to her. The story of all the following years belong to his aparents, since they raised him. This is a fact and cannot be changed.

      When I had my first face-to-face visit with my youngest son, he showed me a scrapbook of his childhood - birthday cards, high school graduation photo, etc., etc. and explained that "his mother and father" took them here on vacation, did this & that, etc. It was a jarring experience for me, but it's a fact, there's no way to get around it.

      In this video the bmother states that she is grateful that things turned out well for her son, and to see him again. Since he was 2 when she placed him for adoption, obviously the situation was serious - and although conflicted, she tried to do right by her son.

      The son states that he's not sure how you can love someone you don't know. It accurately states the joy/sadness dynamics of a reunion of this type, and is also a fact. As for the conversation about their situation, they have made much more progress than my son and I have. But this video makes me happy and gives me further hope.

      I still think it would have been nice to see the aparents interviewed, if possible. Maybe they didn't want to participate. We have no way of knowing. No need to cry a river for them, however. They did good - and this reunion is a good thing.

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    4. The adoptee is an adult. Why would his APs tag along? I don't think Old and New is that different from many others' feelings on adopters: she wants to see them approve.

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    5. It's a video under three minutes. Just as we are upset with we see jewelry ads that encourage adoption, this not so subtlety encourages reunion. And you know what? I doubt the APs wanted to be in this video.

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    6. new and old...

      As you so aptly put it - AP's are always discussed. That is not an argument why they should be included, their thoughts aired on what their son has chosen to do as an adult. He's an adult, not a child anymore, treat him as such.

      Reunion is not about adoption. It's about reunion between people who have been apart for a period of time.

      He's all grown up now. He gets to make the decisions about who, what, where, and when he associates with anyone, just like every other adult. Even the choice of whether or not he tells his parents he is going to meet his other mother, is his to make.

      Time for the one who had zero say about his life - to have all the say. Time for everyone else to take a seat.

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  10. I like this video. Even though it is feel-good, I don't think it entirely shies away from the complexities of adoption. There is enough understated evidence of loss there to almost balance the positives. Like I said, I like it. But with a proviso. I do wish the young man hadn't stressed the material gains quite so much.

    I felt sorry for the little sister.

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  11. From all those phrases in all those comments, the one that struck me as the saddest was this: " and never make my adoptive parents feel at all insecure."

    That's so much to put on another person. Especially for a grown up to put on a child.

    Thanks for including what Publishers Weekly had to say about my book. And I like seeing your 4 generations in color. I recognize the photo from Hole in My Heart, a book I very much enjoyed reading.

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    1. What you describe above really put a wedge between my daughter and me. Her adoptive mother was welcoming, but then...got to hate me. I don't think that is overstated.

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    2. I'm so sorry. Insecurity wreaks havoc on anyone around. I wish it could have been different.

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  12. I can't believe AP's would have a problem with this. I mean come on. Seriously? Birth parents are treated like dirt. The adoption system here in the US gives everything to the AP's without a thought to the birth parents. Ever heard of Open Adoption Fraud? I gave a family who couldn't have children of their own twin girls. I gave them something they dreamed of and you don't think I deserve any type of appreciation? Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to carry a pregnancy, give birth, and then hand that child over to someone else? Why is it okay for AP's to get all the support and all the attention and appreciation while we act like birth parents don't matter? It's insane. Get over yourself. Birth parents deserve respect and appreciation too. It's the hardest thing you will ever do in your life and yet once the adoption is final the BP's are forgotten. Sad.

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  13. I have read some other adoptee views on the video, but I've been avoiding the comments like the plague. This is an example of non-adopted people needing to check their privilege -- the privilege of growing up knowing your roots and denying that there is any benefit inherent in that. I would love to see beliefs about this interrogated as part of the adoption approval process for APs.

    It's nice to see a counter-balance in this -- to counter the "joyful" delivery of a newly adopted child ads that have been popping up lately. I have no idea what this has to do with a department store, but they do have the power to get a different narrative out. Way more power than adoptees or first parents have on their own.

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    1. Interesting, Yan, because I have to say I am constantly inundated by adopted people, and non-adopted, that "blood" doesn't make you family - but your statement "the privilege of growing up knowing your roots and denying that there is any benefit inherent in that" - leads me to believe that my first thought is correct - BLOOD IS FAMILY FIRST - not second, not easily dismissed.

      I agree, the idea that we don't have power - this is one that gives us something at least.

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  14. It looks as if this mother and son have made a great start to their reunion. I wish them and all members of their extended family the very best for a great future together.
    Just hoping, from reading some of the comments, that others, however well-meaning, don't interfere while they go about they processing their feelings.

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    1. Sorry, an extra " they" got in there somehow.
      What I mean is, I hope that adoptive parents or others with a vested interest in some aspect of adoption don't interject their opinions or agendas between the adoptee and first parent(s) as they go about processing their feelings

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    2. Right on. Let people say what they want to say, stay out of it, and don't presume your story or your way of looking at the world is theirs.

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  15. To all who objected to the "right decision" comment. I agree. But adoptees always feel that whatever life they've had is the life that is meant to be, so . they typically say: You made the RIGHT decision. People who grow up with their original parents (i shrink from saying "real" in order not to offend anyone) don't go around saying: You made the right decision (to keep me). It's a convoluted system.

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    1. "Adoptees always feel..." "They typically say..."
      You and I must know different adoptees then.

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    2. The first time I met my son he said " if you hadn't given me up I wouldn't have all this"
      Meaning his wife & 3 son's. I understand that he was trying to let me know that he was not angry with me, but I know that he didn't really feel that way. Reality is that he would just have had a different wife & kids.

      That is the part that bothered me about the video. It's hard to say not knowing more about his mothers story. Adoption doesn't always mean "better" but it always means a different life. I think like my son, adoptee's realize this as the relationship with their parents developers.

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    3. I do not think we can impose our own stories on this very cute young man's story as told in this brief video. He is only 19. He was adopted at age two. We do not know the circumstances that led to the relinquishment. We do not really know the mother's circumstances now, except that she has another much younger daughter who was happily included in the reunion and she was really glad to see her son. The young adoptee was expressing his own feelings at the moment about his life, not making a statement for all adoptees. Those feelings may change with time as he gets to know the birth family, but we all know that can go either way. I can't imagine why someone said they felt sorry for the little sister, she just looked happy to have a big brother. This video needs to be taken at face value as normalizing reunion, not critiqued to death about what "should or should not" have been said. This is not my reunion or yours,( my son was not better off, materially or emotionally); it belongs to the people in the video and as such is a good statement for open records and adoption reform that has been viewed by many more people than we could reach.

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    4. " But adoptees always feel that whatever life they've had is the life that is meant to be,..."

      No, we don't.

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    5. "No, we don't." True.

      But first mothers always say stuff like "adopees always feel that whatever life they've had is the life that is meant to be..."

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    6. But Anon, a lot of first mothers hear that, and so...I'm happy that I never heard it from my daughter. She took a different view. It was here life but not because it was "supposed to be" or that it was "God's plan," which does drive most first mothers nuts.

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    7. "Life that was meant to be" as a belief has less to do with being adopted and more to do with a general world view that believes in predestination,karma, supernatural intervention in human lives, fundamentalist religion or New Age mysticism. There is also a bit of "best of all possible worlds" naivete involved. I do not think any of those beliefs are unique to adoptees or birthmothers. It is prudent to avoid "always" or "never" statements about any group.

      My son subscribes to none of that, nor do I, so no "God's plan" for either of us, more like "shit happens." But if he had such beliefs, it would not drive me nuts, I would just have to work around it and agree to disagree. There are no guarantees that our kids will share our religious, political, or philosophical opinions, but most of us still want a loving relationship anyhow, which means compromise and respect for another point of view even when it is one we do not like.

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    8. just call me oscar(ette)December 21, 2015 at 8:04 PM

      Lorraine's right! "But Anon, a lot of first mothers hear that, and so..." Yes we do hear that. I feel that the, "meant to be", "Gods plan" is so often becomes a survival or coping mechanism for adoptees / mothers and fathers / others who are trying to make sense of what is violent and excruciatingly painful. Trouble is, it so often wasn't "meant to be". Those lines are so often used by abusers, tyrannizing tyrants, bullies and control freaks, and people who want what they want regardless, to shut their victims up. i.e. let's call it 'gods plan' and we can get away with anything (like taking other peoples children for adoption). If we can justttt convince them / say it often enough our victims will believe it too. If someone likes SO MUCH to use the "it's gods plan" cheap excuse, then they need to look at their own circumstances FIRST and say the same and just accept THEIR situation.

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    9. I left my earlier comment because I felt Lorraine was making a generalization that did not apply to myself, and probably didn't apply to many other adoptees as well. I never felt that it was "meant to be" or "God's plan" that I be raised in a family I wasn't blood related to. And I don't agree with those celebrity adoptive parents who say some children are placed in the wrong tummy and find their way to where they're 'supposed' to be through adoption. I think I was born to the right woman and was supposed to be a member of my biological families on both the maternal and paternal side. What happened to me was part of society's plan based on being born during what is now referred to as the baby scoop era or the era of mass surrender; a time period when a number of not very well substantiated beliefs, that were then shackled to old prejudices about 'illegitimate' children, had taken hold. Beliefs such as that children always do better in a two-parent family, that blood doesn't matter, that children are blank slates, etc. So much of what we, the survivors of these beliefs, are trying to do at these blogs is to stand up and say all of this wasn't true; look at the fallout for many (although not all) of us.

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    10. Hey Robin--I said..."a lot of mothers hear..." not ALL. I agree with all you say. Or "like" as facebook would have us do.

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    11. I was referring to you saying "always" not all.

      "But adoptees ALWAYS feel that whatever life they've had is the life that is meant to be..."

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    12. Ah so. It's just that I've heard it so many times....and yes, never did I hear that from my own daughter. She was understanding, pissed off, but in her comments that I quote in hole in my heart, she comes very close to saying just that...and I had taped the conversation so what I quote is exactly what she said. So...i dunno. Perhaps it is a an acceptance of fate in hindsight?At the same time seeing how a different life might have been....?

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    13. Given how my adoption(s) turned out, when people say it was "God's plan" or "how it was meant to be," all I can say is that your God must really hate me.

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  16. All I know is I raised my daughter without her sister, because others wanted it that way. Adoptive parents secrets suck for life. She should have been raised with her loving capable blood, but being christian they had to save my child for themselves. No one should take economic advantage of a mother and child permanently. The impersonal nature in adoption procurement is rooted with the ills of entitlement. The way I see it they spend the rest of their lives doing work to be called real. The only way they made that happen was through subversion, now they are insecure that what they did to us will be done to them. Go figure, except my lost daughter is caught in the middle. Adoption is a business because adopters made it that way. End adoption- child care needs to be about the children having secure families- without the cruel dismemberment of family to make some stranger feel like a mom, at the expense of making a mom feel unworthy of her own child. So not cool to coerce a mother to give up her child to a better life. Better is only temporary, better may only mean encouragement & a hand, not adoption entitlement.

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  17. What is the link to the video and why is Kohls making these? I kept waiting for the commercial but there was none. It's a very well made video - very tender and raw. The only thing I didn't like was that the adoptee assumes he wouldn't have had an opportunity to go to college and he not been separated from his family. His mother looked like she was living quite well. Seems adoptees often need to justify what happened to them.

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  18. Mirah,it's part of an entire series of Kohl's "all together now" ads featuring diversity in family types. Another ad shows a gay couple arriving for Christmas dinner with a large gathering of family, young and old.

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  19. This is a very heart-warming video, and my hope is that all the people outside of the 'mother-son' relationship will allow them to build a relationship. This doesn't take away from the family who 'Got' to raise him. The joy of raising him belongs to the aparents, that should be 'their' joy. The arguments about him basically being 'disloyal' to his ap's shouldn't even be a factor in this, because every Adoptee has 'First Parents'. The second parents or aparents received the opportunity to parent because of some type of hardship that befell the 'First Parent or Parents'. The video does speak volumes about how 'Adoption' gave this person better opportunities, and that is the narrative that is being sold to First Parents. This was suppose to be my son's narrative, not that my son's AP's were homeless when he was 7 and that he didn't have opportunities, let alone not getting to go to college. So that bubble was burst in my life and his life. But one of the first comments to me by my son's amom was that I made the 'right decision' because she said it took both parents to raise a child with ADHD. So this is their justification on why my child was better off being raised by them. Lorraine you are correct about this being a convoluted system. All Adoptees (sorry for the labels) deserve to have love from both sets of parents, without feeling torn between the two. If you truly want what is best for them don't put them in a situation where they have to choose. Both First parents and AP's are important in that person's life.

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  20. I don't buy the whole "God's plan" business, but I'm not overly religious. But as an adoptee, I do subscribe to the idea that the life I have is the life I was meant to have. I fully understand how that can drive first mothers up the wall, but given my own situation with my own birth mother...I AM content with having been adopted. When you've got "two" families and "two" sets of parents, it gives some adoptees a kind of cognitive dissonance and confusion. It's like the actual act of surrender and adoption was the nexus of a parallel universe. I went this way, but with a different choice from those involved, I could have gone a different way. And been a totally different person with completely different experiences. I like who I am, I'm lucky enough to be satisfied and content with who I am and where I've been. I may have a different experience and outlook than other adoptees because I was not a direct adoption. The fact that my parents adopted me didn't mean my birth mother didn't get a chance to raise me. I was put in foster care at birth and she signed the termination papers before they had adoptive parents lined up. So for me, the two paths would have been foster care or adoption.

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    Replies
    1. Mashka, I also have now read your blog. What your birth mother has been doing is serious and against the law, and is not without harm to you.

      I think it would help you to get the police involved and press charges against her. From my own personal experience, the only thing that can deter this type of behavior is communication from the authorities - that stalking and harassing activity is criminal - along with an arrest if their warning is not heeded.

      You are a private citizen and she has NO legal connection to you. You deserve peace in your young life. This has been going on for too long.

      This is the same as if a neighbor, boss, ex-boyfriend or anyone else were bothering you and causing you discomfort. I'm so sorry for your birth mother, but the law protects everybody - including you.

      Protect yourself aggressively; she is on the wrong side of the law and basic morality. Get advice from your aparents if they can help. Don't go it alone.

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  21. Mashka, I just read your blog and totally understand your point of view. Indeed you are much better off than you would have been with your bio mom and I feel really sorry for your sisters. Your bio mom is obviously a mentally ill abusive stalker. Nobody needs that, and no, you do not owe her anything. I am glad you came out of it all ok and like who you are, that is what matters. And no, I do not take offense at you or any adoptee not wanting a relationship with bio family. I would not want one either given your mother's attitude and destructiveness.She is not me, no reason for me to be upset that you do not want to know her.

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  22. I am an adoptee, a mother and grandmother. My adoptive father spoke in front of the Maine Legislature supporting open adoption records. He said: "If you raise your child with Love, kindness and understanding, the child will only grow to love you more, once you support their need and efforts to find their birth family" My father died in the fall of 1989 before the state of Maine opened records. My birth mother was an LMSW and fought until her death to open records. She died of a very fast growing cancer at the age of 51 in 1993. My adoptive mother continued the fight to open records and support me until her death in 1998. On January 1, 2009 I went to Maine to receive my original birth certificate. It was a 2 page document with the word: ILLEGITIMATE stamped across the top which is an abusive act of the Law! I'm a person. A healthy minded member of society. May all of us, adoptive, birth families and neighbors, live in peace and accept that we, adoptees are the people who ride this journey alone. We must be heard. There would be no adoptions, birth parents or adoptive parents, without our existence. Please listen to our words. Wishing everyone support and a loving community.

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