' [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: May 2015

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Adopted...Looking to find birth/natural mother

The singer looking for his natural mother. It's Sunday, I've been working...like a dog and adoptive parent Frank Ligtvoet sent me this video.  I hope messages like this keep making it possible for adoptive parents and adoptees and natural mothers to look upon adoption/reunion in a different way.

Enjoy.

Friday, May 22, 2015

Mothers take no pride in giving up their babies

Jane
"Justine, I am an adoptee (Nov, 1983). I am looking for my birth family so I may not only thank them, but to somehow express my deepest admiration and pride for their completely selfish act" wrote Lacy in response to a comment by a natural mother on a post we wrote about Texas-based Gladney Center for Adoption. After suppressing a scream, I continued reading:
"I've always held a special place in my heart not only for my birth parents, but [for] every single birth mom and dad out there and had never, not even for a moment, doubted their love for me. There are very few people in this world that have enough strength,

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Does it matter who your father is?

Jane
When Lorena Thompson Madrone of Oceanside, Oregon decided to have a baby, it was strictly a DIY affair. Becase she was concerned about having to "legally share" the child with the biological father, Lorena and her partner, Karah Gretchen Madrone, came up with a lamebrain scheme to obscure the father's identity by having two sperm donors. Of course one of two gives the child pretty decent odds of figuring which man had the cojones.

As far as avoiding legal issues around paternity, the scheme wouldn't have worked anyway. While it may have kept true dad at bay, if Lorena had applied for welfare, the state would have been after both men with a DNA kit in a flash.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

When is the right time to contact your natural parent?

Jane
When is the right time to contact a natural parent or a lost child?  The simple answer is never, and now. When my surrendered daughter Rebecca and I connected, my husband and I were preparing for my oldest raised daughter's wedding to be held in less than a month in Washington DC, thousands of miles from my home in Oregon. I was involved in a law suit over my employment. I had a second daughter at home and a third in college.  In short, I was busy and low on funds. I didn't need the upheaval in my life that her contact would bring. Once we connected, though, everything moved aside. I did the things I needed to do, but Rebecca was constantly on my mind.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

It's Mother's Day again. 'Birth' Mother's Day too.

Mother's Day card from my daughter
Here it comes again, Mother's Day, impossible to miss because of the incessant ads that pop up everywhere, reminding us of our own fractured motherhood. I've been through the gamut of emotions about Mother's Day, beginning when I did not know where my daughter was, and my own mother did not even know my daughter existed, to those years after reunion when I spent the week preceding the big day hoping she would remember me in some small way. She often did not. Oh heavy was my heart!

While I was feeling sorry for myself, I always imagined a big celebration going on with her adoptive mother--card, dinner, what-have-you. There were other children, and her adoptive father who was not likely to let any of them forget. I don't know if that was the case because I never asked. But one year, I got a wonderful hand-made card that said: To my Other Mother. Inside it says: "I couldn't find a card that defined our relationship, but then all truly matters is that is that I let you know, I Love You. Happy Mothers day LORRAINE, love Jane." It must have come with a present, because there is a note on the back about using whatever she sent to "relax after a long hard day."

Monday, May 4, 2015

Who can call herself a mother?

Jane and Lorraine, daughter and mother
“They call me ‘biological mother.’

I hate those words. They make me sound like a baby machine, a conduit, without emotions. They tell me to forget and go out and make a new life.
       
I had a baby and I gave her away. But I am a mother.”

Those words are from my memoir Birthmark, and are the most quoted language in the book. At the time of publication in 1979, the debate over what to call women who relinquished children was just beginning. Before that, we were “natural mothers.”

But that term was thought to be offensive to adoptive parents and “birth mother” came into wide usage among those who wrote about adoption loss and reunion, and even, some mothers themselves. Concerned United Birthparents (CUB) had already embraced the term in its name, using the conjoined word “birthmother."

Friday, May 1, 2015

What makes a mother?

Unwilling mother Sherri Shepherd
As if we didn't already know, the whole "assisted reproduction" business is a mess, both from a legal and a moral standpoint. The latest escapades are those of Sherri Shepherd who lost her fight not to be a mother and Nick Loeb who is fighting to be a father.

Shepherd, a former co-host on The View, entered into an agreement with her then husband Lamar Sally and Jessica Bartholomew to have Bartholomew carry a child created through Sally's sperm and a donated egg. By the time the baby boy, Lamar Sally, Jr., was born eight months ago, Shepherd had filed for divorce, disclaiming responsibility for the child and refusing to pay support, leaving Bartholomew whose name was on the birth certificate on the hook for thousands of dollars in medical bills. "Not so fast" said a Pennsylvania court. "A deal is a deal. You signed on the dotted line and you're a legal mother, like it or not. Pay up!"