' [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: December 2015

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Summing up 2015 in adoption

I see blue skies somewhere...
I could write: look how far we've come for adoptee rights. Or: look how far we yet have to go. Both would be accurate. This year we've seen progress in continuing to bring our cause to more people's attention. Nearly two decades after Oregon became one of the first states to unseal adoptees' original birth certificates, the state passed legislation allowing birth parents to request adoption court records--a first.

Colorado will allow adult adoptees to obtain their original birth certificates come January 1 (realistically, Monday the 4th), any previous disclosure vetoes notwithstanding--except for a very small loophole.


Monday, December 28, 2015

Whose name is on your 'birth' certificate?

Jane
When Lisa Phillips Stackman of Indianapolis gave birth to her daughter, Lola Jean, seven weeks ago, she expected that her spouse's name would appear on Lola's birth certificate. If Lisa's spouse had been Jack, instead of Jackie, it would have.

Under Indiana law, the husband of a woman giving birth is presumed to be the father and his name goes on the certificate--even if he's not the father. But because Lisa's spouse was a woman, Indiana officials have refused to put her name on the certificate. Lisa and Jackie are suing with six other same sex couples claiming their constitutional rights have been violated because Indiana officials refused to place both spouses names on the birth certificate.  Lisa and Jackie's case may be more compelling because Jackie is Lola's biological mother. She had embryos created with her eggs and frozen two years ago, before she met Lisa.

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

It's a blue blue Christmas for some


To judge from the phone calls and emails and Facebook messages I've been getting, this Christmas season is unusually grim for many of us--first mothers,adoptees, fellow travelers and here I am bragging about the wonderful time I had with my found daughter's daughter (otherwise known as granddaughter) at the previous post.

But I remember.

The tearful family dinners before I told my family I had a daughter and gave her up for adoption. The ones just as bad when I didn't know where she was. And then, after I found her, the year she wasn't talking to me.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Silver Linings come to this first mother

Dear Readers:
Lorraine
Ten days ago my husband Tony and I were in Marquette, Michigan for a granddaughter's graduation from Northern Michigan University. First, I'll get the bragging out of the way: Granddaughter Britt was magna cum laude, with an added plus: the Secondary Teacher Education Award. Her name will be on a permanent plaque at the school.

You can imagine the pride I felt. Well, it wasn't just pride, because there were moments during the graduation I couldn't help think back of...where I came from in this journey to get there. Losing her mother to adoption in 1966. YEARS of feeling devastated and desolate, wondering if I could ever climb out of this deep dark hole in my life, my heart, my soul. Giving up a child to adoption is something you never ever get over, not really, but there my husband and I were, in far northern Michigan, nearly as far North in the state as you can go, on the shores of Lake Superior, watching my daughter's tall, lovely blonde daughter graduate from college. And I've known her since the beginning.

Friday, December 18, 2015

Kohl's adoption-reunion video sparks debate. Of course.

At last a company has made a video clip that celebrates reunion--rather than relinquishment!  It's the first time I've seen a commercial company focus on reunion between mother and child rather than separation! So I'd like to salute Kohl's for doing so. This popped up today on Lavender Luz's open adoption blog and I had to share this immediately.



It has over 300,000 views at this point, so this is not exactly breaking news, but still--it's a feel good

Monday, December 14, 2015

A reluctant poster mother for adoption reform

When my surrendered daughter contacted me 18 years ago, appearing in the Oregonian, Oregon's largest newspaper, was the farthest thing from my mind. I had kept my secret from all but a few people for 31 years and the thought of sharing it made me a nervous wreck.

Sunday my story was included in an article by Amy Wang about Oregon's 2014 law allowing adoptees and natural parents to access their court adoption files. These files allow mothers to learn the adoptive name of their child and the names of the adoptive parents.

Monday, December 7, 2015

Genetic Sexual Attraction is a hot topic

Mother, wife and son/husband in Night Is A Room--photo does not convey the supposed age discrepancy; the acting does. 
Incest and adoption are themes that run deep and wide in drama, starting with Sophocles' Oedipus plays. And they are going strong on the New York stage.

Lorraine
Night Is A Room is about a birth mother/son reunion, orchestrated by the husband's wife for his 40th birthday. The review in the New York Times darkly hinted of a surprise plot twist sure to bring gasps at the end of the first act.

Okay, I thought: either a) son murders mother or b) son and mother have sex. Both seemed plausible; I had no inkling of the playwright Naomi Wallace's background. Did her first-hand knowledge of affairs adoption enter into this drama? Or was it just a topic she read about somewhere?

Friday, December 4, 2015

Review: The Wages of Adoption

I was thrilled to get this new review of Hole In My Heart: memoir and report from the fault lines of adoption, last night when I was in Manhattan with another natural mother, Barbara Monckton Thavis (more about that in a later blog). It's from a total outsider to our world, I am pretty sure (don't know her and yes, the bio makes her female).

One note: The reviewer says I do not fully diminish the power of non-genetic bonds--never intended to!  The kind of mother/daughter relationship I have with my alternate-universe daughter* Jennifer taught me the power of bonding in a way I could not have imagined without her coming into my life, and I know other first/birth mothers feel this way, despite the loss we share for a child. Anyway, the review. In order not to steal their work, jump to the website of the East Hampton Star:

The Wages of Adoption
By Evan Harris