What Happens to women who give up their babies for adoption?

In today's New York Times: 

RE: Emboldened by Trump’s Victory, Abortion Foes Vow ‘Onslaught’ ” (front page, Dec. 12):

The increasing difficulties that women are likely to face in getting an abortion make clear that two things will inevitably rise in response: More women, denied access because of distance and cost of travel, lodging and so on, will try to self-abort, and many will be permanently injured as result; and there will be increased pressure for women to carry to term and give up their babies for adoption.

The short-term reaction to such a loss is expected, but the long-term consequences for a mother to lose a child to adoption are nothing short of disastrous. Poor grief resolution for a great many women leads to lasting

Merry Christmas. Happy Hannukkah Everyone!

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and a Festivus for the Rest of Us...

 Gulls at Otter Pond on half frozen ice; above Manhattan skyline from tram to Roosevelt Island.

there are more photos...read on.

At Christmas first mothers and adoptees get the blues

Our Christmas tabletop "tree"

I'm reposting a blog from a few years ago, with some updates:

We had a Christmas lunch at our house yesterday--friends came by for Champagne punch and sustenance. Two guys my husband made sure to introduce to each other were both Vietnam vets. One was a journalist who was captured and briefly imprisoned; the other was a Naval officer who had spent two years in combat. After my husband made the introduction, they spent a long time talking. Later my husband said: It's the most intense experience of their lives--no one who hasn't been through it can quite understand. My husband was in the Army between conflicts, and after ROTC, only spent six months on active duty. But he understood immediately why these two men would bond.

I thought: That's what being a birth/first mother is like. No one who hasn't been there can understand the immense loss and grieving that comes with relinquishment--except another first mother. And yet, most of us don't go around talking openly about our experiences so that it's unlikely that I'm going to end up at a party one day and the host will introduce me to another person and pass on what we so deeply share: that we both lost a child to adoption.

Why do some first/birth mothers reject reunion?

Lorraine

Why do some first/birth mothers reject reunion?* Or even resist acknowledging a lost son or daughter? It's a question that won't go away, and at the holiday season the slings and arrows of adoption and separation hit their mark ever more keenly. With families every where planning celebrations, the hurt of every rejection by a natural mother is magnified.

Adoptees call and write us asking for suggestions on how best to reach their mothers, especially when the mothers are not responding to a letter or email--when other first mothers are praying and waiting and hoping for that phone call--and so I've done a fair amount of thinking about why do some mothers reject when others rejoice. There are multiple causes:

Sofia Vergara sued by her own frozen embryos in unethical case

Lorraine

I did not want to get pregnant when I did, but once I had my baby I knew doing anything but keeping her was wrong. I knew I would "never get over it." I knew I wanted to keep her and take care of her and watch her grow up and be her mother in every sense of the word.

Now imagine that someone else is trying to force you to become a mother because in a moment of craziness you donated an egg and it was implanted with your boyfriend's sperm, and then frozen away for use (as in birth) at some future time. Then imagine you decided the boyfriend was a creep, broke up with the guy, met and married someone else and now the ex wants to hire a surrogate to nurture the embryos because he wants...your children. Nightmare scenario, right? 

Giving up a child may mean giving up a grandchild

When I gave up my infant daughter Rebecca half a century ago, I did not consider that I was giving up my grandchildren, my great grandchildren, that giving up a child could create a cascade of loss and mystery. I am one of the lucky natural mothers, though. Since my reunion in 1997, I've been able to spend time with Rebecca's children. I've been to their weddings, They've visited me at my home in Portland. I spent my birthday last October exploring a park on the Great Salt Lake with one granddaughter. I traveled to Peru with another.

Many natural mothers--like Jane Guttman author of The Gift Wrapped in Sorrow: A Mother's Quest for Healing--are not so lucky. Their lost child shuts them out. They are told in no uncertain terms, "You are not my children's grandparents. Please go away." Or worse, they are threatened with legal action if they dare, dare send a birthday card. Guttman writes:

"Soon Adam [her grandson] will be two and a half. I long to see him. I long to hold him. His smile and laughter are such significant moments

First Mother Forum under construction

Patience please!

First Mother Forum is being updated and getting a new look but we aren't quite there yet. You may have noticed tonight that the blog appearance was changing as we were reconfiguring the layout, and it is still under reconstruction. All the posts are there if you scroll down, but we removed some of the clutter of the sidebar to focus on the posts themselves. Suz Bednarz was most generous in giving us her time and expertise as we work through this. Another change will be coming in a day or two. But in the meantime, none of the posts are missing, and the pages can be accessed in the pull down menu, as can our popular posts and our bios on the right. We hope to get this all finished tomorrow! --lorraine

This Is Us gets adoption right

Lorraine

Does media attention to the issues of adoption change society's perception of adoption?

Absolutely.

Every show that focuses on adoption moves public opinion--media attention is a major reason the acceptance of LGBT individuals and marriage equality moved seemingly quickly, compared to the adoption reform. But progress on our issue is being made and more states have at least limited access to birth information for adoptees. Shows also now portray adoption in less than a glowing light. Sixteen and Pregnant, for instance, went from showing Catelynn and Tyler's giving up of their daughter in at least partly positive light so they could go about their teenage lives and finish school, et cetera, but a few years into their semi-open adoption, the audience learns that not all is happy in adoptland, and the limited contact with their first daughter Carly is far from ideal. In 2013, The Baby Sellers on Lifetime with Kristie Alley showed the dark side of international adoption.