' [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: After calling Dad, First mother responds!

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

After calling Dad, First mother responds!

ALMA Founder Florence Fisher and her father
Update: Just a short note regarding the last post of a woman who wasn't getting a response from her mother when she wrote...but put the course of action into her own hands and made a call. Dad Answered! He had been looking for her! She found a welcome and within days was interacting with her siblings.

Mom was still holding back, and had written a letter saying: no go. Not ready.

Until two days ago! All I can share is that our adoptee friend got a lovely note from her first/birth mother who included her personal phone number and suggested a time they talk. So...I repeat myself here: Sometimes--most times--direct contact through the phone is the best route to go. It is what most search angels and confidential intermediaries use. And adoptees and mothers can too!--lorraine
And yes we know, it is not always rainbows...but it might be and you will never know without trying.

For previous posts in this chain see:

When DNA yields a first mother's (or father's) rejection

Original post:

When DNA yields a first mother's (or father's) rejection

Also from FMF

Telling my family about my first child--and then going public


TO READ AND DISCOVER
Finding Family: My Search for Roots and the Secrets in My DNA
on October 31, 2017

If you are searching for family this is the guide to read. Richard writes in a warm, 
inviting tone and takes you along his journey, making you feel that surely, you can do the same. I read it as a 
first mom who found my daughter a different way (paid searcher in the 80s) but DNA is the way to start the 
search today. You'll even like Richard's adventures meeting people he thought were his relatives, but were not! 
Highly recommended for anyone searching, whether the adopted or members of the original family.

7 comments :

  1. It makes me wonder, whether reunion would be easier for a child that was taken away, than for one that was given up? I mean in this case the father had had no choice and seems to have less problems in the initial stage...
    No need to explain why, just having to tell you were powerless to prevent the seperation, no need to question yourself.

    Which rather suggest that if you do not want a bad reunion, you should not relinquish your child, which seems quite obvious, though it may be even more true than that. That forced and volutary relinquishment flow into eachother is true, but an uncomplicated "I was forced, unable too prevent it" parent's story might be easier to understand at gut level, knowing that you were not given up, not rejected by parents, but just abducted, may make reunion in its earliest stages much better.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was fortunate in that my daughter, though we had many problems in our relationship, did truly seem to understand the times, my situation, and why all signs pointed to me giving her up. I think being very honest about it all made it easier for her to accept what the times were like.

      Delete
  2. Not really, Theodore. Fathers who are not told are not necessarily the "innocents" that they sometimes appear to be.

    And, when a child is taken by the government/court system, at least in the USA, the assumption is that the parent is the worst kind of person. Anyone can refuse to sign a voluntary surrender, but if one's only option is to place the child in "agency care" which was common during the baby scoop era, forced surrender usually followed.

    This was due to the fact that if the parent did not have support to keep/raise the child, getting the child out of agency care would not happen. The agency would start termination proceedings against the parent, even if no surrender had been signed.
    There were time limits that allowed agencies to begin termination against parents after children had been in care for a certain period of time.
    Evidence that a mother/father has tried to keep his/her child, has demonstrated caring and thought over the years, or has even tried to search for the child can make a difference with some adoptees whom I have known. But, I am only speaking of individuals. Everyone is different.
    The separation of families has a huge effect on people, however it happens.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. True, there are no absolutes in this, but from the observations of individual cases we may form ideas about generalities.
      What you write about the assumptions and all is more about the shading of voluntarily relinquishmet into forced relinquishment, which shades into abduction without relinquishment by parent. I was wondering about the extremes, the monthers who thought they made the right decision, be it selfish or unselfish, may, no matter the facts, face a more difficult reunion than the ones who were obviously just fellow victims without choice of the adoption industry, or of its equivalents.

      Delete
    2. @Theodore,
      actually, I do agree. But, we cannot always know who is who. Details matter. When I was working in search/support I always told searchers/reunitees to get the details, and try to get those from the mother, first, if possible....and not to trust "documents" from agencies, medical entities, etc. They are often inaccurate.

      It is amazing how frozen a traumatized mother may still be about her situation decades after the fact. I have been told, many times: " I gave my baby up because I loved him/her and wanted him/her to have a better life." This would come from a woman, now in her 40s, 50s, 0r 60s...who had been underage at the time. She would have had no other option, and her love was not lacking at the time, but her love for her baby didn't count. She would not have had any control over what sort of life her child would have gotten from adoption.

      So, we would sometimes try to get to a "real place" where she could try to see how her child might view this situation...as in....do mothers really love babies they give away? And do mothers really give away babies they love? This also affects her feelings about her own parents and how they treated her/her child at the time and what that means now. At some point, these mothers would have to face up to their own "lack of choice" or the family pressure, or whatever happened to them to cause the surrender. some of them really did choose it, so they had to explain their reasons.

      Delete
  3. I feel much the same. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time. In other words, don't give away your children if you don't want to face them again, because you just might.

    Both of my parents voluntarily relinquished. They both treated me terribly.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I love stories where those in the closet finally come around, how wonderful for the adoptee to be reunited with her whole intact family. Sometimes it is the Dads who are more interested than the moms. Rare, but it happens. There is a birth father who comes to our local group who has been searching for years, but the birthmother will not even tell him the date of birth, so he has not found anything and DNA testing did not yield a result.

    ReplyDelete

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