tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post1038707682329535982..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: It's 'Mother's' Day again. And 'Birth' Mother's Day too. Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger87125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-36012854520531338492013-05-26T08:31:11.818-04:002013-05-26T08:31:11.818-04:00Yes, Hannah Kim, you can use the photo, just credi...Yes, Hannah Kim, you can use the photo, just credit where you got it and would it be possible for me to see the final product? <br /><br />Have a good day on the other side of the world, Hannah Kim. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-88954669085912729122013-05-26T02:12:06.064-04:002013-05-26T02:12:06.064-04:00Dear Lorraine,
Hello, I am a 7th grade student n...Dear Lorraine, <br /><br />Hello, I am a 7th grade student named Hannah in Seoul, South Korea attending Yongsan International School of Seoul. For my english class, we are suppose to create a persuasive speech. My topic is on adoptees having the right to who his or her biological parents is. We are required to have a one slide presentation with a photo that will support our points. Is it fine if I used the photo of your mother's day letter? Thank you for your consideration. <br /><br />Sincerely, <br />Hannah KimAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-75406979153440260112013-05-16T17:39:20.742-04:002013-05-16T17:39:20.742-04:00@anonymouse 3:02:
"Never is the "mother...@anonymouse 3:02:<br /><br />"Never is the "mother and baby/child" bond more flouted than by women who relinquished their children."<br /><br />And who the hell are you to denounce that bond? Did you buy a baby from a baby broker, hence don't have the connection and know you never will? What a slap in the face to those who have lost their children to adoption, but that is what the likes of you are so good at and so delight in partaking in, kicking natural mothers in the teeth. <br /><br />"I wonder if women heading into an abortion clinic tout the same bond?"<br /><br />I wonder if what another woman does with her body is any of your business. That includes the connection to a life SHE brought into this world? <br /><br />I myself wonder how people who purchase children from baby brokers think they can hijack this same bond for themselves, when it was never theirs in the first place. <br /><br />"How can it only work one way?"<br /><br />Yes, I can never work any other way except YOUR way, right? <br /><br />Get out of the lives and wombs of complete strangers, creep. Stacynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-72444268089826543882013-05-15T12:47:32.126-04:002013-05-15T12:47:32.126-04:00The topic of adoption, for me personally, feels li...The topic of adoption, for me personally, feels like such a double edged sword. I am sure there are plenty of cases where children from poisonous environments were placed in homes where they could be safe and prosper. But then, what do we say about the children who were adopted into a toxic household? <br /><br />I'm one of those said children. I guess I could say I've spent all my life feeling like I never belonged, even before I found out I was adopted. My adoptive mother has a level of animosity towards me that I have never understood. Maybe she regrets the adoption- walking into it thinking I would be a perfect child, HER child when I was never either. I'm sure it was a shock for her when a year and a half after she had gotten me, she found out she was pregnant. All that work and traveling to get me when she finally had a baby of her own.<br /><br />In some ways I can't blame her for having a hard time. Maybe she kept me with good intentions. But everything since then has been destroyed. The amount of abuse I had to suffer through as a child wasn't fair under any circumstance. There are some days where I stop and I think about it, and I am just so surprised that I have managed to last this long.<br /><br />When I found out I was adopted, I thought it would make things easier. That I could finally seek out my biological mother. But a-mom has been very reluctant to share any information about her at all, and the probability that she doesn't know much to begin with is high. I guess after all these years, I have become a physical possession to her, despite the plastic feeling of our "mother daughter bond".<br /><br />It hurts me so badly sometimes, to sit at the dinner table and be completely excluded from every conversation. I feel just as much a part of this family as a piece of furniture might. Physically but not emotionally present. I would be lying if I said I didn't envision my biological mother as a special and wonderful person. Perhaps, in reality, she's just as toxic as my adoptive mother. <br /><br />But I hope for the best anyway. And that maybe, she thinks of me too, and wants to find me as well. ANMnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-40865752147615194412013-05-14T15:27:31.022-04:002013-05-14T15:27:31.022-04:00Dear anti-abortion commenter.
First Mother Forum...Dear anti-abortion commenter. <br /><br />First Mother Forum is proudly pro-choice. You may find a more welcome forum elsewhere.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-52166851529879804202013-05-14T15:02:22.746-04:002013-05-14T15:02:22.746-04:00Never is the "mother and baby/child" bon...Never is the "mother and baby/child" bond more flouted than by women who relinquished their children.<br /><br />I wonder if women heading into an abortion clinic tout the same bond?<br /><br />How can it only work one way?<br /><br />So I guess there is one link between adoption & abortion; the prevelance of one group to use said bond to make a point when neccessary but also toss it out again when fighting for "choice" and "rights" of women and their bodies.<br /><br />Anon. # who knows? Too many to count!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-10982360456983551182013-05-14T11:35:47.358-04:002013-05-14T11:35:47.358-04:00Lorriane,
The whole betrayel feelings of adoptive...Lorriane,<br /><br />The whole betrayel feelings of adoptive parents is what gets me. If in fact they love their child and know their child loves them where does the "betrayal" come from? Where is the trust of the parents for the child? There is none because everyone knows that there is a good possibility that the child just might feel a bio connection. If there is a respect for that connection then the adoptee is being respected. If it is scorned and minimized it hurts the adoptee. If the reunion ends up being a difficult one for the adoptee then again that adoptee needs to TRUST that those that love them will truly care about how "their child" feels and not get some satisfaction out of the child hurting. (see, told you those people were horrible...I AM YOUR REAL MOTHER>>HA) Thats what hppens in families. so as a result the adoptee is turn between being who the are authentically and who they are "suppose" to be. So again the fear of "betraying adoptive parents is HUGE..the fear of hurting is huge and does not alow the adoptee to learn what is right for them, what is good for them because again its all about the parents.<br /><br />That is where their needs to be a HUGE educational push for PAPS that it is NOT a betrayal when an adoptee wants to find bio's..it is a GOOD thing for the adoptee and ALL should be supportive and help them threw it..not make it as difficult as possible, guilt producing, dramatic event where the adoptee is torn into little pieces. thats true parental love. Accepting the truth of the adoptees existance as an indivual and not some symbol of parenthood.<br /><br />If all parents do it right the daughter or son will feel grateful for being respected and truly loved...not loved because they are feeding the parents needs. It will be an honest feeling of gratefulness for being respected. Not a feeling of gratefullness born of fear of losing moms love...like being told "you should feel grateful" for living, eating, having shelter and material things and oh LOVE...those are all conditional and a method of manipulating someone to what the parents need. It IS NOT in the best interest of the child.dpennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-73175599416684130602013-05-14T11:08:19.587-04:002013-05-14T11:08:19.587-04:00HDW: :... my parents were very, very uncomfortabl...HDW: :... my parents were very, very uncomfortable talking about my feelings about adoption. "<br /><br />That is what I hear ALL THE TIME from adoptees who search and find. Many adoptive parents are "supportive" of their child while searching, but then when contact is made cannot handle it and while the adoptee would share her feelings with her adoptive mother, suddenly finds it is verboten. I am not saying it is hard, especially when you go for years thinking it is not going to be true,but then when it is, adoptive parents suddenly feel betrayed and want to not know anything. <br /><br />food for a post. <br /><br />So much for TrustFirst being "flamed." Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-37709133304376233282013-05-14T09:52:25.075-04:002013-05-14T09:52:25.075-04:00To TruthFirst,
I'm glad that you are the type...To TruthFirst,<br /><br />I'm glad that you are the type of adoptive mom who is willing and able to handle your child's feelings.<br /><br />However, that is simply not true for some of us. My adoptive mom has told me several times throughout my life that learning that she and my father could not have children was one of the most difficult times in their lives. I accepted that. It was honest.<br /><br />But, she cannot handle the idea of her adopted children perhaps wanting to meet or have a relationship with their biological families. <br /><br />So, I had to hear about her grief, but she never wanted to hear about mine. <br /><br />So, I searched for and found my b-family without telling my a-family. And, that is just how it's going to be forever. I love my a-mother, but she would twist my reunion and somehow make it about her.<br /><br />Again, I'm thrilled that you are an open adoptive parent, and I am certain that there are others like you. But, for me, and I suspect for others from the BSE, my parents were very, very uncomfortable talking about my feelings about adoption. HDWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-31367435659337047702013-05-13T21:02:12.107-04:002013-05-13T21:02:12.107-04:00As i said, I am a middle aged adult...I lost trust...As i said, I am a middle aged adult...I lost trust A LONG TIME ago. What adoptees need from adoptive parents is to support them from the nastiness of a soceity that see them as second best, and stop arguing on whos the REAL mother, the person adoptee is the only one that can define that. To support us when we tell you how it really is, to teach other PAPS that nobody OWNS another person no matter how little they are, to stop saying their child belongs to them and finds way to minimize biology, To get all adoptive parents to stop trying to block the laws to open up all records belonging to the adoptees and to not make the adoptees birth and adoption about the parents. Then maybe the trust can START to happen. In other words make adoption child centered not parent centered and it si not in todays worlddpennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-36853922581031609732013-05-13T18:39:34.856-04:002013-05-13T18:39:34.856-04:00TrustFirst,
I reject your offer. I don't need ...TrustFirst,<br />I reject your offer. I don't need your shoulder to cry on. Hearing our pain will not change adoption.<br /><br />If you want to build trust with first mothers and adoptees, join with us to end unnecessary adoptions. Spread the word among your friends considering adoption that it is far more than transferring a child from one woman to another, papered over with an adoption decree and a false birth certificate.<br /><br />Adoption can cause lifelong negative consequences for first parents and adoptees. Yet it does not give adoptive parents what many really want, their own child.<br /><br />As long as billions of dollars are to be made perpetuating the "win-win" myth of adoption, parents will continue to lose their children and children will continual to be raised in contrived families.<br /><br />First mothers and adoptees have plenty of soft shoulders to cry on but they needn't be crying in the first place. Adoption should be reserved for children who truly need families.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-14130901357396029682013-05-13T18:01:50.133-04:002013-05-13T18:01:50.133-04:00Truth first, what was the point of that nasty endi...Truth first, what was the point of that nasty ending to an otherwise intelligent comment? <br /><br />It just invited snarky remarks. I am so weary of that I almost did not post it. <br /><br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-5471937787097379082013-05-13T17:04:54.344-04:002013-05-13T17:04:54.344-04:00No, Lorraine, it doesn't "pack a wallop&q...No, Lorraine, it doesn't "pack a wallop". It makes me feel sad that adoptees wouldn't trust the love of the adoptive parents to be honest with them. The same with first mothers. For heaven's sake, don't be "good birthmothers"...be HONEST birth mothers. Us adoptive moms want you to be honest with us, or at least I do. Tell us the pain and the sadness, and I'll give you a shoulder to cry on. A relationship starts with trust. So maybe if adoptees and first mothers start trusting us a bit more, we'd all have better relationships. <br /><br />Of course, according to this site, most adoptive parents are greedy, insensitive, and lack basic human compassion. So, let the flaming begin!TruthFirstnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-57259978390557136132013-05-13T14:26:14.180-04:002013-05-13T14:26:14.180-04:00from dpen: worth repeating"
"...[adopt...from dpen: worth repeating" <br /><br /><b>"...[adoptees] are not allowed to grieve their experiences because it might make the new mommy feel bad, it might make the first mommy feel guilty, it might throw off society's expectations of what a good little adoptee should act like."</b><br /><br />Packs a wallop, doesn't it? Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-79810755832156932422013-05-13T13:45:32.175-04:002013-05-13T13:45:32.175-04:00Why do the naysayers always resort to "get ov...Why do the naysayers always resort to "get over it"? Pathetic and rude, and evidence of no comprehension skills. <br /><br />You said it beautifully, dpen. ms. marginaliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03854609171313401651noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-56228981624624954342013-05-13T11:07:06.844-04:002013-05-13T11:07:06.844-04:00Dpen, you said it beautifully. Dpen, you said it beautifully. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-82515193360215535092013-05-13T08:51:42.737-04:002013-05-13T08:51:42.737-04:00@ anonymous11:12
"Get over it! Adoption will...@ anonymous11:12<br /><br />"Get over it! Adoption will always be needed because not every women who can birth a child can be a good mother."<br /><br />and I suggest YOU GET OVER IT because not every woman who buys a child from a baby broker can or will be a good mother, either. Most of us who lost our children to adoption WOULD have been good mothers to OUR children. <br /><br />The woman who adopted my son was not the better option and never will be. She did nothing but brainwash him and turn him against his own people because she is jealous, spiteful and threatened by the very real bond I have with my flesh and blood. If that bond is so "non existent", why are so many of you scrambling around the internet and elsewhere trying to denounce it? I'd think if you were so secure in your role, you'd not be giving this blog or any other like it a second glance. Hmmm... very interesting. Samnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-4831455472141965962013-05-12T23:12:18.832-04:002013-05-12T23:12:18.832-04:00Dpen:
Get over it! Adoption will always be needed...Dpen:<br /><br />Get over it! Adoption will always be needed because not every women who can birth a child can be a good mother. I think you are living in bubble where every mother who has placed a child WANTED or WOULD have been a GOOD MOTHRER-and that is not true; just like the mother-child bond you claim. If the mother-child bond were true then you would not have "mothers" putting man/drugs above their child or the same "mothers" abusing their child.<br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-64517133700295616732013-05-12T22:59:34.794-04:002013-05-12T22:59:34.794-04:00Robin (4:01)
One of the deciding factors of being...Robin (4:01)<br /><br />One of the deciding factors of being a good mom is not age but the ability and readiness of being able to "step to plate and be a good mom." There are many people who think if a woman can have a baby she will a good mom, but we ALL know that is not the truth. Being a good mom means being will, able and ready to sacrifice all that one has in order to raise a child. And many of today's bmom don't want to do that (which is ok, because at least the child will not suffer).<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-90270505941746879742013-05-12T16:14:27.526-04:002013-05-12T16:14:27.526-04:00Correction@ 3:52pm
and others like "HER"...Correction@ 3:52pm<br /><br />and others like "HER" (Dr. May). Not "him".Satan, or so they call menoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-44310011221601401622013-05-12T16:01:42.234-04:002013-05-12T16:01:42.234-04:00I have been reading some new blogs lately and am n...I have been reading some new blogs lately and am noticing a new (to me) and very alarming trend. Adoption agencies are convincing young women in their early twenties that they are too YOUNG to parent. WTF is going on here? Any woman 20 and over is not too young to be a parent. Only two generations ago that was considered a normal and appropriate age to have a child. Even Princess Diana had Prince William when she was only 21. Most of us BSE adoptees were probably adopted by women in their twenties, some even early twenties. What is now considered the appropriate age to have a baby in this country? 36? A woman's fertility begins to decline in her mid-thirties.<br /><br />I think 16 and 17 year olds can be good parents. Certainly any female in her 20s, unless there are other mitigating factors, is perfectly capable of raising a child. The early twenties are actually a great age to become a mom. The young mother still has tons of energy and her body is mature enough to have the highest chance of delivering a healthy baby. I find it really scary how much adoption agencies are skewing this social, emotional, and biological reality.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-80368722865482884682013-05-12T15:52:00.329-04:002013-05-12T15:52:00.329-04:00Dr. May:
I did miss your first comment and all I ...Dr. May:<br /><br />I did miss your first comment and all I can say is that as someone who lost her only child to adoption, I am even more appalled that you would advocate for the separation of families via adoption. <br /><br />I hope you like that one too, proud "bmother"...Satan, or so they call menoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-25741967147164006062013-05-12T15:49:23.893-04:002013-05-12T15:49:23.893-04:00@Bmother:
"thank you for reminding me what k...@Bmother:<br /><br />"thank you for reminding me what kind of person I DON'T want to be."<br /><br />And what kind of person is that, someone who stands up to people like Dr. May and other like him who think it is okay to separate a mother and her child; and judge families they don't even know? Good for you!! And apparently YOU are everything I would never aspire to be. Thanks!! <br /><br />Satan, or so they call menoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-36503584992936247232013-05-12T10:29:07.486-04:002013-05-12T10:29:07.486-04:00Dr. May,
AS i said in my other post, there is no...Dr. May, <br />AS i said in my other post, there is not a mother here that wants to see a human being go through that. There is NO ONE person that is that stupid that we need to be told how it is for these babies. We get it.<br /><br />And I STILL support family preservation because that is in the best interstof the baby, child, human being. The way adoption is thought about today is not about the human being its about the parents and their needs.<br /><br />I agree these suffering children need to be protected from the situations you describe. But the way its done today does not guarantee the child will be protected. I have read enough, heard enough and seen enough to know that is true. The adoptive parents are usually not educated enough in the effect of this suffering, so off they go..bounced around different families, different experiences and each one is impacting that child. Then when they are finely adopted the suffering they have gone through is often not addressed they are expected to feel happy and grateful ....and there it, is the exceptions are put on the child....they are not allowed to grieve their experiences because it might make the new mommy feel bad, it might make the first mommy feel guilty, it might throw off society's expectations of what a good little adoptee should act like.<br /><br />Everybody just knows that an adoptee is second best...don't even try to argue that one with me because i have lived it and seen it even to this day in my job. I work with the elderly and if the children happen to be adopted there is an expectation that they will not be as good as a bio( have actually heard it and seen it) no matter what i have said it does not change their opinion. there is stigma to being adopted. Everyone has an opinion and totally believe they are right, even when I as the lifelong adoptee and former foster child tries to "educate" them they don't listen. Why is that? Well because I am the poor, uneducated, result of adoption...what would I know?<br /><br />So what i am asking of you is to open your brain to what the adult adoptees have to say about the practice of adoption as it is practiced today...there is NOT ONE OF US that would want to go to sleep with drug addicated parents, prostitute parents, abusive parents. There is no one on this forum that is that stupid. WE know whats out there, I want whats best for the child as defined by those of us that have lived it. Not a society who believes that its ok to bounce babies around and think they will not be affected. If the child needs to be removed for that Childs safety(the sooner the better) it is to be kept child centered and not mommy centered( adoptive mommy). The best interest as to be kept for the rest of that persons life. Far to many times once the adoptions happen it is no longer about the child but how the child "should" feel about being "saved" that causes insecurity, feels of inferiority and the inability to grow to their potential. THE CHILD is expected to change themselves into the adoptive family..."of course color, ethnicty does not matter...you ARE one of us now" <br /><br />so if Adoption HAS TO HAPPEN as a last resort for the true best interest of the child(not the best interest of the adoptive parent so be it...but the child needs remain front and center. I can tell you that does NOT happen enough.dpennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-83621506054388911452013-05-11T23:33:11.597-04:002013-05-11T23:33:11.597-04:00Jane, I am certainly not suggesting we remove chil...Jane, I am certainly not suggesting we remove children based on socioeconomic, ethnic, religious, or even geographical reasons alone. Nor am I suggesting the wholesale removal of children from abuse, drug, or gang ridden neighborhoods.<br /><br />Social eugenics? No. Simply a way to allow children to grow up without the life-threatening impact of the inner city life. Is adoption the ultimate solution? No. But, the absence of other viable options makes it a very good choice for these children. <br /><br />The way I see it, family preservation is not what's in the best interest of these children. They need education. They need a stable home (preferably without gun shots at night). They need a life that doesn't involve hearing "mom entertain" in the bed as they sleep on the floor. They need a life that is far away from gang rape or initiations (often one in the same). They need a family, not just the doped up/absuive people who happen to be related to them. <br /><br />Watch a little baby detox from cocaine. Listen to her cries as her too small body is wracked with pain, and be able to do very little about it. And then watch as that same little baby is brought back, dead because "mom" forgot to feed her...just three weeks after discharge. And then see that sort of thing every week for years! I'm sure you'd be advocating adoption as well. <br />Dr.Maynoreply@blogger.com