tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post1258996858896970648..comments2024-03-14T17:59:30.786-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Are Laws Tilted Towards Adopting Parents? Well, yes, even in OregonLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-48800032233642077552009-11-09T09:11:07.204-05:002009-11-09T09:11:07.204-05:00Yikes, I'll just say that as a single pregnant...Yikes, I'll just say that as a single pregnant woman who lived in another city and state and was able to keep my parents unaware of my pregnancy, I was filled with shame on my own when I became pregnant. I wanted to die. I quit my job as I was starting to show, I hid in my aparment, I ran out of a store when I saw another reporter I knew. The year was 1966 and I was in upstate New York.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-19368312603990293102009-11-08T01:31:06.137-05:002009-11-08T01:31:06.137-05:00I must agree with Kitta. I never felt shame for b...I must agree with Kitta. I never felt shame for being pregnant, for giving birth to my son. I felt betrayed and abandoned but never shame. It concerns me to a certain extent that we use some supposed shame that the mothers felt instead of economic reasons, the same as today.<br /><br />Our parents were not poor. In fact, most of us were from middle class families. However, we just didn't have money of our own. <br /><br />Because of being unmarried and <br />pregnant, we were not able to work, or even get hired. We could be fired for morality reasons, and were unable to find housing. If we had independent wealth a very small minority of us would have surrendered our babies. Then as now it boiled down to money. <br /><br />It was our parent's pride, as Kitta said, that forced our surrenders, and they tried, largely unsuccessfully, to shame us into acquiesence. My only shame was that my parents didn't love me enough to support me or to allow me to raise my son and that my boyfriend waited until too late to try to save us. I never felt shame for having a child, even out of wedlock.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17088288948654864117noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-49395049278852445772009-11-07T13:35:57.262-05:002009-11-07T13:35:57.262-05:00Kitta here:
I surrendered my infant son in the 19...Kitta here:<br /><br />I surrendered my infant son in the 1960s, and have worked with national search/support groups for many years.<br /><br />Many of the mothers I have met have similar stories to mine. We surrendered our children because our children's fathers abandoned us and we could not get child support. Our schools expelled us, or we were fired from our jobs.<br /><br />I placed my son in temporary cradle care, and then the agency began to threaten me with a court termination of parental rights.<br /><br />My family owned a law firm and I knew of mothers whose rights had been terminated this way.<br /><br />I did not surrender because I was "ashamed." The shame was more a form of 'pride' that my parents felt....the pride that they were "too good" to have a "bastard" grandchild.<br /><br />My family sent me away, even though they had plenty of money to help us.<br /><br />My father admitted he was "torn" as to whether to help me raise my son or not. He and my mother did know others in our family who had kept out of wedlock babies.<br /><br />He now regrets that he refused to help me. Without any money from family, I was in poverty. The agency told me I could not get welfare.<br /><br />I was still under-age and under guardianship with relatives, arranged by my parents for the duration of my pregnancy.<br /><br />I had been a full-time college student, but had no "real" work experience and I needed help, which was denied to me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-84517786353780354202009-11-06T20:59:26.121-05:002009-11-06T20:59:26.121-05:00Anonymous Oregon attorney,
What a heart-breaking ...Anonymous Oregon attorney,<br /><br />What a heart-breaking story. I am eager to work with you on drafting a bill giving Oregon women a reasonable time to change their minds. I am sure I can enlist some dedicated birthmothers to lobby for the bill as well. My phone number is in the bar directory. Please give me a call.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-88298939093266525552009-11-06T20:08:33.208-05:002009-11-06T20:08:33.208-05:00I emailed retired Washington Supreme Court Justice...I emailed retired Washington Supreme Court Justice and birthmother Faith Ireland whom we quote in the article and asked for her comments. Here is her response:<br /><br />"Thanks for the update. I continue to speak, where possible, about my experience as a birthmother and work to overcome the archaic and counterproductive shame which surrounds adoption. The point you make about poverty replacing shame as the primary reason for adoption is an important and often overlooked one.<br /><br />It is important that organizations who advertise "counseling" for pregnant women on their choices, provide all alternatives and information about support for single mothers, and do not pressure the mother-to-be for either adoption or abortion."Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-36433748878551596612009-11-06T14:18:03.445-05:002009-11-06T14:18:03.445-05:00Adopt Author:
Yes, just please make sure you give...Adopt Author: <br />Yes, just please make sure you give us the byline and copyright notice...<br /><br />The more this can be circulated the better.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-46922374495324162012009-11-06T13:10:07.365-05:002009-11-06T13:10:07.365-05:00I and my firm represented a birth mother who, afte...I and my firm represented a birth mother who, after giving birth prematurely, changed her mind the minute her child was swept from her arms by the eager adopting parents, less than 24 hours after the birth.<br />We went to the court of appeals, making many of the arguments in this article, about Oregon laws allowing 3 days to rescind a consumer sales contract, but no time period for a birth mother to change her mind. Physical relinquishment finalizes the adoption. Period. Oregon is the only state in the country not to have a waiting period for finalizing adoption. Many require solemnization in front of a judge and everyone who knows anything about biology knows that the maternal bonding instinct may take 3 days to activate because of hormonal realities. <br /><br />Having been told by our court of appeals that it was for the legislature not the courts to decide whether Oregon's adoption laws deny birth mothers their rights(!), I could only tell our client that when her baby grows up and they find one another again, that she will be able to tell her she did everything possible to try and keep her.<br /><br />This sad case still haunts me. I am so glad there is at least a forum on this issue, even though the possibility of there ever being a lobbying force on behalf of birth mothers, comparable to the well-funded and powerful adoption agency lobby, seems remote at best.<br /><br />thank you for speaking to this issue of gross injustice.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-88874463171641987572009-11-06T10:09:18.715-05:002009-11-06T10:09:18.715-05:00I just read the last attorney's comment that h...I just read the last attorney's comment that her definition of "birth mother" confers honor and sacrifice rather than shame or denigartion. That revelation is most welcome to me at this very moment, as I had a very disturbing dream about my daughter last night. I suppose my subconscious came bubbling to the surface because I awoke feeling uneasy and discomfited rather than rested and refreshed. A long-planned weekend away to a place I've never visited will provide just the distance I need from this disturbing image of daughter and estranged sister. <br /><br />Thank you for the reassurance that some of our relinquished/surrendered/lost children understand and forgive us.Lindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05958887097090820238noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-50811742091812972642009-11-05T17:44:10.290-05:002009-11-05T17:44:10.290-05:00Another comment from an attorney.
"I liked t...Another comment from an attorney.<br /><br />"I liked the article – it must have been very hard to write. Please accept my sympathy! Just wanted to tell you that I do know from talking to my own birth mother, how hard it was for her. At least my parents understood that when they adopted me, that for her it would be very hard. She says that me coming to look for her “made a bad thing come untrue.” I feel so lucky that I get to know her, that everyone, me, my family, her other children, all have the chance to know each other. The attorney who brokered the deal actually gets the most demerits – [My birth mother] and I compared notes and discovered that he told a few lies to make the thing happen. Nothing that had a material impact on the overall situation in the end, but despicable nonetheless. I won’t say who it was as he still practices....<br /><br />Anyway, as an adoptee, I always considered that giving me up had to have been very difficult for [my birth mother] to do. I thanked her for doing as best she could and for making the sacrifice of her own peace and happiness to ensure that I could be cared for – she could not even afford herself back then. I want to tell you that, at least in my lexicon, the term “birth mother” confers not shame or denigration, but honor and sacrifice. The more I learn about how some babies “become available” for adoption, the more saddened I am, for our society still needs for children to be adopted, it’s just getting shady and losing dignity. I am one of the lucky ones who had all the best facets of adoption. I did decide to have my own baby rather than adopt, and that decision was certainly shaped by my history.<br /><br />I did not read the other article. I will try to get to it. Who at the bar should hear from people like me, objecting to the lack of balance?"Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-48185135648751234592009-11-05T16:07:01.858-05:002009-11-05T16:07:01.858-05:00Oregon attorneys respond (from emails sent to Jane...Oregon attorneys respond (from emails sent to Jane): <br /><br />"Right on! It would be great to get Willamette Week [a Portland weekly] to do a story on adoptions from the birth mother and birth father point of view. I wonder if the number of adoptions has gone up or down with the open records law?" <br /><br />"Thanks for this article which focuses attention on the impact of the happy story of adoption (for the adoptive parents) on the mothers involved. I’m embarrassed to say that I never thought about this much before, but I will from now on."Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-51891159252448666562009-11-05T14:00:02.102-05:002009-11-05T14:00:02.102-05:00AdoptAuthor,
Certainly you may use the article in...AdoptAuthor,<br /><br />Certainly you may use the article in your presentation to lawyers and law students. Let us know the reaction.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-69012479900792460092009-11-05T12:58:29.657-05:002009-11-05T12:58:29.657-05:00I request permission to use the (yet unpublished) ...I request permission to use the (yet unpublished) article as a handout when i present to adoption attorneys and law students at the upcoming PLI conference in NYC Dec 18.<br /><br />I also have some additional suggestions for venues to publish it:<br /><br />MotherJones<br />Conducive<br />Dissent<br />Dissident magazine<br />The Nation<br />The Progressive<br />Common Dreams<br /><br />Most accept email submissions. Check guidelines for length (generally 2k words) Some want just a proposal sent first.AdoptAuthorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16916713887846028762noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-16680532056707184882009-11-04T19:17:14.370-05:002009-11-04T19:17:14.370-05:00Malinda,
Fort Worth? Tempting. I've never b...Malinda,<br /><br />Fort Worth? Tempting. I've never been there. What time of the year are you thinking of?Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-34359951787388241202009-11-04T18:05:32.640-05:002009-11-04T18:05:32.640-05:00Malinda,
Thanks for your suggestions. I am excite...Malinda,<br /><br />Thanks for your suggestions. I am excited that you are interested in using the article for your class. If you would like a copy of the article with footnoted citations which we omitted in the blog, send an email to jane_edwards@comcast.netJane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-60052047564816236962009-11-04T17:59:29.399-05:002009-11-04T17:59:29.399-05:00I'm in Fort Worth, Texas -- don't suppose ...I'm in Fort Worth, Texas -- don't suppose you'd want to come talk to the class?!malindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06233439015219192874noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-19102408506294627912009-11-04T16:36:09.301-05:002009-11-04T16:36:09.301-05:00Thanks, Malinda, of course please use the piece in...Thanks, Malinda, of course please use the piece in your Adoption Law Class! We'd love to sit in on that class. Where do you teach? <br /><br />And we will take you up on your suggestions, because the piece does need to be seen by adoption attorneys and others. Thanks again.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-37911994424846761402009-11-04T09:42:59.895-05:002009-11-04T09:42:59.895-05:00Excellent article! I'm a law professor -- may...Excellent article! I'm a law professor -- may I have permission to use it in my Adoption Law class in January?<br /><br />As to possible places to publish -- check to see if the Oregon Bar Association has a Family Law section, and if they have a newsletter. If so, they may be interested in publishing.<br /><br />Oregon law is not that different from law in the rest of the States (with the exception that a majority of states require 24 to 48 hours to pass before an expectant mother can sign a relinquishment); broadening the article from just Oregon-focused would increase your publishing opportunities. Some places to look -- Adoption Quarterly, Family Law Bulletin. <br /><br />Here are a few more I found, though I don't know much about them:<br /><br />Sponsored Links <br /><br /><br /><br />Children's Legal Rights Journal — Loyola University, Chicago.<br />Hofstra University Family Court Review<br />International Journal of Law, Policy, and the Family — Oxford University Press.<br />Journal of Juvenile Law and Policy — King Hall. University of California, Davis.<br />Journal of Law & Family Studies — University of Utah College of Law.<br /><br />Good luck!malindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06233439015219192874noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-75827077568051663232009-11-03T18:31:20.403-05:002009-11-03T18:31:20.403-05:00I think your response to the article was eloquentl...I think your response to the article was eloquently written, offering a first mother's perspective. As an adoptee I will add something here - I have to wonder why the baby being surrendered does not have any representation in the adoption process (in addition to the appalling reality that most first mothers don't as well). If this is a legal transaction at basic, how is the object of transaction almost nonexistent. If any lawyer, knowledgeable of the affect of adoption has on many adoptees (including the trauma of seperation), I believe that open records would be demanded. How could it not be in an adoptees best interest to know their full and complete identity? And wouldn't there be a clause were open adoptions would be legally enforced? Not only to protect the mother surrendering her child, but the child as well? How can this issue not be seen as so transparent by the public at large? When only one side of the triad (yes, 3 parties here) is represented, of course it will favor adoptive parents.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com