tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post1359110314615148214..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: My Daughter's SuicideLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-20459109812920697002009-12-31T22:53:22.712-05:002009-12-31T22:53:22.712-05:00Lorraine ,
I'm a " birth " " m...Lorraine ,<br /><br />I'm a " birth " " mother " too. Been reunited with my son for 17 years now.<br /><br />But , I want to say please accept my deepest sympathy to you in the loss of your precious daughter. I can't say I know exactly how you feel , but I know you're hurting. It hurts with these kids we've lost , been reunited with and then work so hard to keep the relationships going. Yes , I can relate to so much you shared. I can't imagine what you're enduring on TOP of it all . I'm so very sorry. : ( <br /><br />I will pray that God will comfort you and give you His peace . <br /><br />ElizabethAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-74691158934583718322009-12-29T21:49:54.962-05:002009-12-29T21:49:54.962-05:00Thank you Triona, Mirah, Janet, Linda...and all my...Thank you Triona, Mirah, Janet, Linda...and all my friends near and far who come to this conversation. Since it is hard to share these feelings with more than a few in my personal life, it is so great to be able to share my story and thoughts with you all.<br />xoxox<br /><br />loLorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-54464099341046093672009-12-29T09:07:45.771-05:002009-12-29T09:07:45.771-05:00Anonymous, having freckles doesn't predispose ...Anonymous, having freckles doesn't predispose one toward depression, PTSD, anxiety and a host of other illnesses. Being adopted (or surrendering a child) does.<br /><br />Lorraine had an emotional link to her daughter. They were reunited for many years. Even if they hadn't been, you can't just dismiss the bonds between mother and daughter. Your lack of compassion is startling.<br /><br />Parents can love more than one child. Why can't a child or adult love more than one parent? What makes "the kind of bond only a mother and daughter have" and why do you assume Lorraine's daughter had only one mother, the adoptive one?<br /><br />You say "us adoptees" but why do I get the feeling you are hiding behind that anonymous moniker...? Why are you so threatened by the idea that adoptees and birth parents can and do establish relationships with one another? Or, even more scary... that maybe those relationships always existed despite the adoption separation?<br /><br />And don't say "you did the right thing". Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. To say it was the "right thing" is an attempt to negate the losses that always, ALWAYS accompany adoption. You'd like this to have "nothing to do" with Lorraine as a birth mother--because that would negate her role in her daughter's life, and thus negate all mothers who surrendered. And it's much easier to ignore people's feelings when you dehumanize them.Triona Guidryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00969598333210972017noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-69626699919734453932009-12-27T12:38:03.012-05:002009-12-27T12:38:03.012-05:00To Anonymous -
"don't feel any sort of g...To Anonymous -<br /><br />"don't feel any sort of guilt over something that wasn't about you having given her up."<br /><br />I will extend you the benefit of doubt that you meant well in saying this. However, it is never soothing to tell anyone, under any circumstances what they should or should not feel. Feelings are feelings and need to be validated. Period. Guilt is a normal part of grieving felt by all who survive any death of a loved one. To not feel guilt in the wake of the suicide of a mothers' daughter would be sociopathic. <br /><br />All of the other comments extending sympathy were far more compassionate, healing, helpful - and in keeping with common decency - than yours, no matter how well-intentioned.<br /><br />Your ability to simply discount a fifteen relationship - in addition to genetic connection - is unfathomable and outside the realms of reality. <br /><br />It is perhaps comforting for you to believe that suicide is no less related to adoption than it is to freckles, and would we all wish it were so. Unfortunately, it is not. Freckles are not recognized as causing feelings of loss, identity confusion, rejection or abandonment. Adoption is. Do the math.<br /><br />As a mother who twice lost my firstborn child - first to adoption and then to her untimely suicide at age 27 - I take offense, not one ounce of comfort, in your words. I find them cruel and heartless. Not any way to speak to anyone who has suffered such a catastrophic heart-wrenching, lifelong, irresolvable loss as any mother losing her child....even if she had never laid eyes again on that child or ever spoken to her, much less had a meaningful and intimate reunion with her. <br /><br />I sincerely hope you learn how to address people in the throws of grief before you ever comment on another blog.<br /><br />Shame on you for adding insult to injury.<br /><br />Peace.AdoptAuthorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16916713887846028762noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-30248704031087870732009-12-27T08:38:52.229-05:002009-12-27T08:38:52.229-05:00Dear Anonymous Adoptive Mother:
You do need to d...Dear Anonymous Adoptive Mother: <br /><br />You do need to do more reading. Check out some of the links above. <br /><br />My daughter lived not far from her adoptive mother and HATED the holidays at their houses because the mother in the end always ended up criticizing her...for not being a different daughter. I'd get the phone calls later in the evening. <br /><br />If you read the emails from my daughter about our relationship, you would undoubtedly be very unhappy. There is a bond between the mother whose DNA the adopted person carries that continues on and on. <br /><br />I'm not going to tell you to be kind to yourself because you are blind to reality, and you don't deserve even such a stupid pat on the back. And I suggest you sit through back to back episodes of Find My Family before you spout off on how there is not emotional attachment to the woman who gave birth to you. In everyday parlance, your REAL MOTHER.Janet, a first mothernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-4383875503880758602009-12-26T12:47:22.671-05:002009-12-26T12:47:22.671-05:00Most adoptees do not commit suicide or live in cli...Most adoptees do not commit suicide or live in clinical depression. And most suicide victims and those who suffer unbearable depression are not adoptees. But, sometimes, an adoptee does commit suicide. Sometimes people with freckles or blue eyes commit suicide - but there is no connection to their fair skin or eye color. <br /><br />Your daughter suffered depression that was probably not at all helped by the epilepsy or the many medications she was taking.<br /><br />The reason she could "cut you off" for months, yet not her adoptive mother, is because she had a daughter bond in that relationship. The kind of bond only a mother and daughter have. Where it's wonderful and awful and you hate her and love her but no matter what, you can't cut her out - because she is your mother. <br /><br />You were absolutely the link to her genetics - but that an emotional link does not make, no matter how hard you try.<br /><br />So don't feel any sort of guilt over something that wasn't about you having given her up. I'm sure she felt hurt by being given up, of course, but in context of life as a whole - most of us adoptees have much bigger fish to fry.<br /><br />Be kind to yourself - it had nothing to do with you. You did the right thing by giving her up when you couldn't care for her and giving her to others who could provide for her and were ready to do just that.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-62021529628242814212009-12-19T19:34:32.204-05:002009-12-19T19:34:32.204-05:00Michelle,
The Orphan Train movement, when kids we...Michelle,<br /><br />The Orphan Train movement, when kids were indeed adopted as farm labor, ran from the late 19th century to sometime in the 20s I think, and yes the majority of those children were not bastards. Being the children of immigrants, they were still considered "inferior stock" to WASP Americans, legitimate or not.<br />Child welfare was not really a profitable business then, but it was very bigoted, and mostly run by wealthy lady do-gooders. <br /><br />Georgia Tann and other such crooks and exploiters made adoption profitable and fashionable by seeking and courting celebrity adopters. At the same time, the social work profession was "saving" the children of unwed mothers from the stigma of bastardy, and unwed mothers from having to live with their "sin". These were the two trends behind sealed records; to cover up the illegal activities of those like Tann, and to give both mothers and bastards a "new life" under the blank slate theory of human development. This piece was not all about money, but about some very bad and mistaken theory taken as gospel by social workers trying to appear more professional and modern. <br /><br />Adoption today is driven by huge adopter demand that was not there in such volume in earlier times, it is unregulated, and much of it is indeed a business. But it is more complex than just economics, as there is always that other strand of "do-gooderism" be it sociological or religious that thinks it is saving children in some fashion. And some of the worst harm is caused by those who are sincere in their belief that their beliefs are better than yours, and that they know what is best for you child. It is not just cynical businessmen running adoption, yesterday or today, but a sometimes toxic mix of bad practice coming from all sides.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-46060909001497603242009-12-19T10:57:42.189-05:002009-12-19T10:57:42.189-05:00Lorraine, thank you for sharing this heartfelt sto...Lorraine, thank you for sharing this heartfelt story and my deepest sympathies on your loss.Triona Guidryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00969598333210972017noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-47979722105640403412009-12-14T23:28:02.595-05:002009-12-14T23:28:02.595-05:00I am so sorry. What a heartbreaking story.I am so sorry. What a heartbreaking story.Charissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09621183972130351161noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-52713918728058955072009-12-14T14:46:15.260-05:002009-12-14T14:46:15.260-05:00((((Lorraine)))))
I read your story with such fea...((((Lorraine)))))<br /><br />I read your story with such fear - my son behaves very much like your daughter. I never know what transgressions I have committed. It can be as simple as not returning a call when he has not left a message - he believes I should be checking my caller id to see if he called and if so, return the call.<br /><br />Obviously his emotional state is different but certainly there is alot of damage there that I believe stems from his being separated from me - his mother.<br />Just know you're in my thoughts and prayers.Carolchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12983135296851385826noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-51609756375604777772009-12-14T13:54:01.764-05:002009-12-14T13:54:01.764-05:00Ah, but Anonymous, that's precisely what has h...Ah, but Anonymous, that's precisely what has happened hundreds, if not thousands, of birthmothers who relinquished their newborns to closed adoptions. How many reunions have we read about here on FMF where the birthmothers and/or adoptees lost their mothers/children once to adoption, then again when reunions became overwhelming or simply impossible to sustain? <br /><br />As Jane said stated in today's (12/14) blog, If we are going to storm the Bastille, we have to come out of the closet. There's strength in numbers, people! Sign a petition, write letters to your local paper and legislators. Stand up for adoptee rights, and get those unsealed records open in every state in the union rather than just the current seven or so...if not now, when?Lindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05958887097090820238noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-35594756428400457812009-12-14T12:05:00.244-05:002009-12-14T12:05:00.244-05:00Lorraine,
I am so sorry for your loss. No mother...Lorraine, <br />I am so sorry for your loss. No mother should have to lose her own child twice.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-87062186165880306852009-12-14T08:06:01.300-05:002009-12-14T08:06:01.300-05:00Hey, Linda, of course I remember meeting you and t...Hey, Linda, of course I remember meeting you and talking to you. How could someone whose family name began Drozdusky forget an Zoblotsky?Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-62399855990521063152009-12-13T21:19:32.968-05:002009-12-13T21:19:32.968-05:00Dear Lorraine,
I am Linda Zoblotsky. You and I h...Dear Lorraine,<br /><br />I am Linda Zoblotsky. You and I have sent some emails over the years. I saw your name in an article about the reality show FIND MY FAMILY and I googled you. I am sorry to hear and to know that your daughter, Jane, committed suicide. My thoughts are with you this week-end.<br /><br />Love and Peace, Linda Zoblotskylzoblotskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03661932611692366836noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-24612801475613131112009-12-13T18:54:58.564-05:002009-12-13T18:54:58.564-05:00Lorraine,
Your post is very moving.
I worry ab...Lorraine,<br /><br />Your post is very moving. <br /><br />I worry about my own child too. There is a lot of anger. More than anything I wish peace for him. <br /><br />Thinking of you.<br /><br />UMAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-72875119659529391722009-12-13T17:47:35.463-05:002009-12-13T17:47:35.463-05:00It's been a strange and emotional week here bu...It's been a strange and emotional week here but everyone's kind and caring words mean a great deal today. <br /><br />Thank you, every one.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-32007281388696879852009-12-13T16:46:54.645-05:002009-12-13T16:46:54.645-05:00I am so sorry about the loss of Jane, and all the ...I am so sorry about the loss of Jane, and all the difficulties you have in navigating your post-reunion relationship.<br /><br />This is a remarkable essay that will leave me thinking and feeling.<br /><br />Peace to you. I wish I could find better words.Lori Lavender Luzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15394441222262940632noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-63742078307849758552009-12-13T14:32:12.152-05:002009-12-13T14:32:12.152-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.Lhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12635877618193159522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-6836255596512997262009-12-13T13:39:31.984-05:002009-12-13T13:39:31.984-05:00I'm so so very sorry. : (I'm so so very sorry. : (SustainableFamilieshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08820607553556177222noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-34282056205050093452009-12-13T11:23:27.089-05:002009-12-13T11:23:27.089-05:00I'm very sorry, please take good care of yours...I'm very sorry, please take good care of yourself.maybehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07067284504038707207noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-19616268540534560772009-12-13T10:00:28.207-05:002009-12-13T10:00:28.207-05:00My thoughts are with you, Lorraine. My mother has ...My thoughts are with you, Lorraine. My mother has epilepsy and also struggles with depression. I didn't know that re., the brain damage caused by the epilepsy although I know my mom suffers short term memory loss from her meds. Thank you for sharing this.Dawnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04164833674841541784noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-32404219003168156562009-12-13T04:19:04.622-05:002009-12-13T04:19:04.622-05:00Thank you for being so strong & sharing with a...Thank you for being so strong & sharing with all of us.etropichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12598931891313075439noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-36107000112333838802009-12-12T22:05:13.680-05:002009-12-12T22:05:13.680-05:00I also am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. ...I also am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. <br /><br />SusieSusiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07896750259463588813noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-86956011396453506262009-12-12T20:14:43.408-05:002009-12-12T20:14:43.408-05:00Oh Lorraine (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))Oh Lorraine (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-68830670286983236352009-12-12T19:34:33.554-05:002009-12-12T19:34:33.554-05:00I am so sorry for the pain both you and your daugh...I am so sorry for the pain both you and your daughter feel and have felt. It is all so terribly sad. Bless you for sharing.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com