tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post1459684780018023226..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Birth mother, first mother, biological mother, or relinquisher? Framing the language when we talk about adoptionLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger35125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-1311942901649189462018-05-22T02:25:32.390-04:002018-05-22T02:25:32.390-04:00To see what the proper terminology is lets do a li...To see what the proper terminology is lets do a lie detector test: Man is contacted by a woman given up for adoption many years ago who is hoping to make contact. He tells the woman he will pass along the message. He later confronts his wife saying "You told me you didn't have any children, why did you lie to me?" and her response is "I didn't lie, I said I don't have any children, you didn't ask me if I had any birth children". Or say he's contacted by a sibling group representative looking to make contact with their mother who had donated her eggs many years ago..."I did not lie! You asked if I had any children! I would have told you I have 45 or 50 donor offspring but that's not what you asked me!"<br /><br />Bottom line is that if someone were to ask a woman with offspring is she a mother or does she have any children of her own she'd be lying if she said "no I'm not a mother" or "No I have no children". A woman can't reproduce and make a son or daughter for another woman. Her offspring are her sons and daughters like any other piece of her body is hers. It's a lie for people who adopt to refer to the people they adopt as "their son" or "their daughter". If a person adopts and they don't use the prefix adoptive before using the title mother, it's lying by omission and leading the listener to believe that she's referring to her offspring rather than to someone else's offspring that she's raising. Now maybe it is not everyone's business but on the same token that is a strange lesson to teach the person your raising that some people simply don't need to know who they actually are is different than who they represent themselves to be. marilynnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16636038698826761202noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-48718491560361998522018-04-10T11:17:56.307-04:002018-04-10T11:17:56.307-04:00Not all families who adopt have infertility issues...Not all families who adopt have infertility issues, some just want to have children regardless of the "how".<br />Also, not all birth mothers and fathers want to be apart of their child's life.<br />I've adopted first and given birth second and from my experience the pregnancy and birth itself didn't make me feel that is the only part that makes me a mother. <br />Raising my daughter for 6 years since birth definitely gave me the opportunity to grow into being a mother. <br />I don't feel that pregnancy and birth totally encompasses all of that ,only part of that, which is why I use the term, birth mother mother,to honor the part she had in my daughter's life. <br />She grew her within herself, not just physically, then brought her into this world .<br />I don't look at that as a small task. <br />But I don't account that either for all the work, love, and dedication I've put into raising my daughter over the past 6 years. <br />Two different parts that have different roles in my child's life. <br />Both important ,but not the same. <br />She can't account for the mothering I've done for years, just as I cannot account for the time she spent and experienced during her pregnancy, labor, and birth. <br />But ,I am my daughters mother.<br />My biological father was part of creating me, but he didn't raise me. <br />My dad raised me, and that's more important to me than him sharing the same blood as me or taking part in creating me. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07033947306781936688noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-54544913714337997182018-03-02T12:26:54.483-05:002018-03-02T12:26:54.483-05:00Dear Anon: I often hear from women married to adop...Dear Anon: I often hear from women married to adoptees who do not want to search for their biological parents, but the women, like you, want to know more about the medical/emotional history of their mates. Often searches initiate after that.Like Jay, I hope you can convince your husband that searching is not a slam against his adoptive parents. Adoptees will slam the door shut on their ancestry because they simply "do not want to go there" and open up a Pandora's Box of emotions that may be painful; so they paper over their innate desire with the idea that "it would be disloyal" to their worthy adoptive parents. <br /><br />As Jay says, trying to have a child, or having one, is the appropriate time to bring up your own curiosity about the child's heritage--and your husband's. We wish you the best of luck. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-67570056022518466552018-03-01T14:09:52.813-05:002018-03-01T14:09:52.813-05:00Hello Anonymous,
I just read your story as share...Hello Anonymous, <br /><br />I just read your story as shared in these comments. I wanted you to know that I am moved by your thoughtfulness as a wife. As an adoptive mother, I find that what works best with my son is to let him initiate conversations and feelings about his biological family. There is no way for me to predict when he might experience certain emotions. For example, during the summer when he turned 7 years old, there were a lot of tears shed and grief expressed over his missing family. Then for almost two years, he didn't talk about them at all. Recently, we were talking about something completely mundane, like going to the beach, and he suddenly said, "It has been 8 years since my mother saw me. That is too long for a mother to be separated from her son." His mother's last communication with us was when he was 2 years old. I have now initiated efforts to re-establish contact; it is something our son fiercely desires. But my point is, we try to let him process his feelings as an adoptee in his own time and in his own way. I think he knows that we are there to promote his well-being in any way that we are able, so we step back and let him take the lead.<br /><br />I am sorry your husband appears to be manipulated and guilted into (perhaps) misplaced loyalty towards his adoptive mom. Hopefully, in time, he will arrive at a place where he wants to at least learn more about his biological family, if not have a relationship with them. That certainly would be great for your child (which I hope happens for you) - in fact, becoming a father might trigger a desire in him to know more about his biological family. When you do have a baby, I think it is fine for you to express to your husband that you'd like to know more about his biological family. But as far as what he chooses to do, I think you are doing the right thing by putting your thoughts on the matter out there, then stepping back and letting him process what steps he wishes to take, and when. I am sure he appreciates your love and support. I wish you both contentment and (soon, I hope) the joy of giving birth to your baby.Jay Iyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01592280612055255470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-32916452216339191242018-02-15T04:03:50.845-05:002018-02-15T04:03:50.845-05:00Hello, I've been reading this blog for the pas...Hello, I've been reading this blog for the past several days; I don't even remember how I found it. I want to apologize if this is out if place and for any errors (I'm typing on my phone) I just really need to vent.<br /><br />My husband is adopted and we are trying to have our first child. I'm feeling all kinds of emotions that I cant really explain in words.<br /><br /> I want to have a child with him and it's important to me to know about my child. I never pushed him to learn about his bio parents because I felt it wasn't my place. He's always said he doesn't care to know them but I don't believe him. I've witnessed him get emotional to the point of tears as he watching an adoption story on TV. I think that he feels responsible for his adoptive mom's feelings. She really emotionally manipulates him and always has him feeling guilty about the most trivial things. <br /><br />He was told he was adopted at 7. She said he didn't really have much of a reaction and he never really brought it up. He's an only child and not very close to either of his parents extended family as they all live in other states...his entire life btw. His mom recently gave us pictures of his 2 older brothers when they babies. I don't know how long she had them for..i think I remember her saying the case worker gave them to her. She said bio mom was a struggling single mom and couldn't afford another child and gave us a name but not sure if it's correct. I didn't press her for questions because again I afraid it's not my place. I don't believe that's all she knows. Maybe I'm wrong but if it was me I know I'd want to know more info about the bio parents of the child I'm adopting. Well, nothing more was said and my husband didn't ask any questions. He does look a lot like one of his brothers. <br /><br />Well, we are trying for a baby and I've already had two miscarriages. When mil found out she said I could always adopt. It really pissed me off! I was just thinking wtf we just started trying and I have no idea why I miscarried! I haven't had the routine testing at that point, and you're trying to control this for me and your son! Just adopt she says. As if it's that easy. With no consideration for the fact that your son wants a blood child btw and I want him to have that connection. If my eggs or body is an issue I have no problem using an egg donor with his sperm. I know this is bothering him and he's an only child with no real family connection besides his adoptive mother. He's such an amazing person that after my 2nd miscarriage he said we could adopt. I know he said that for me. He told me many times before...no adoption, I want my own blood kid. <br /><br />I just don't know what to do about his bio family. I don't believe he doesn't care. I have told him what if your mom is waiting. What if she doesn't want to upset you so she's waiting for you, I asked. What if she just wants to know you're alive and well. He never replies really so I just drop it. If i have a child with him I want to know mote about his bio family but I feel stuck. Anyway, thanks to anyone that bothered reading this. Your stories are heartbreaking and I wish you well.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-47409781970020807432018-02-06T19:21:01.836-05:002018-02-06T19:21:01.836-05:00I think that happens no infrequently, Cindy. My da...I think that happens no infrequently, Cindy. My daughter contacted a relative because she did know how else to contact me. The relative contacted me but did not tell me who was looking for me. There were misscommunications which delayed our reunion by over ten years.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-88621628630509840492018-02-06T17:46:03.566-05:002018-02-06T17:46:03.566-05:00Absolutely Lorraine! Even if family members don...Absolutely Lorraine! Even if family members don't want to hear it. Make them hear it. It's that important.<br /><br />I like how you say, "shock your family". :) Yup, even if they once gave an unreasonable and unrealistic statement like "we'll never speak of this again". I now see it as, ok, you won't ever speak of it again. I never said I wouldn't.:)<br /><br />I said something like, "If my son ever contacts you looking for me, give him my phone number and back off (i.e. no meddling this time)...for awhile. Sounds harsh, but no choice in the matter first time around and I wasn't going to stand by and let a 'meddling interloper' possibly separate me from my son again. I'm sure there was a gentler way of putting it, but when it comes to things -adoption-, this mother isn't always in a gentle frame of mind. Cindynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-37221293774991985542018-02-06T10:43:48.398-05:002018-02-06T10:43:48.398-05:00This is exactly why I urge everyone not to be sile...This is exactly why I urge everyone not to be silent about their fears simply became no one in the family brings up the subject of the missing child given up for adoption. Speak out! Speak up! Shock your family! Or maybe they will say...I always wondered why you never said anything.<br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-41238449491122868402018-02-06T01:25:21.598-05:002018-02-06T01:25:21.598-05:00Lorraine, you wrote that some mothers are not rece...Lorraine, you wrote that some mothers are not receptive to contact with their lost children. If it is the mother herself that refuses that is one thing but how many times has a relative said, "your mother isn't interested" with the adoptee believing that the mother had actually refused contact? <br /><br />There is a news story of just such a situation happening now, when in fact the mother very much wanted to reunite with her daughter and is now desperately trying to get the word out to find her. <br /><br />*****Jefferson City woman fights to find daughter she gave up for adoption*****<br /><br />Her sister had been contacted and told the daughter that her mother didn't want contact. Only she very much did and does. <br /><br />Makes me wonder how many times this happens and if wrong assumptions by family members are caused in part by the prevailing narrative on the so-called birth mother privacy /confidentiality that's being pushed to keep OBC's closed. Cindynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-9400639986439729402018-02-02T17:10:00.820-05:002018-02-02T17:10:00.820-05:00That's horrible, Anonymous, but you have to un...That's horrible, Anonymous, but you have to understand that many, if not all of the real mothers here, would do something different, if with all of their knowledge and experience they would be Quantum Leaped back in their own young(er)and pregnant bodies, because they know now so much more... But you have to understand that not every mother did develop her understanding of adoption, that some of them seem to be stuck in that situation, She still may not see a way she could have done anything different to escape from a sitituation which could make her behave like a callous, emotionless child abandoner. She may just have switched her emotions of, to survive the birth, the relinquishment, and as quite often happens gone back somewhat to that behaviour pattern. It isn't fun, granted, but in retrospect you should have asked: "Why?"or "Howcome? I would have liked it a lot better to stay with you". It could have been a great oppurtunity to learn more about the inner workings of your mother and the realities she did and does perceive. <br /><br />So, please, forgive your mother, as it seems she didn't know what she did. Mothers are people too, and all that A-word stuff can mess them up, sometimes even worse than the adopted victims. Theodorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14634057445114838262noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-25787328418853142682018-02-01T16:09:20.764-05:002018-02-01T16:09:20.764-05:00How come no one talks about an adoption reunion wh...How come no one talks about an adoption reunion where mom says i’d do it again (as in give me up)? Stupid, hurtful words no matter what the circumstances you never say that to so a child given up who already has abandonment issues. Way to go! Great way to ruin a reunion that foolish me thought was going well. It seems your sight is one sided.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-9800849868407552592018-01-26T00:50:29.447-05:002018-01-26T00:50:29.447-05:00People not coached in adoption parlance use "...People not coached in adoption parlance use "real" and "natural" because that, after all, is what she is. Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-31119540868201390572018-01-23T16:35:28.944-05:002018-01-23T16:35:28.944-05:00You beautiful women are Mother. This is who you a...You beautiful women are Mother. This is who you are. Your child has your DNA, your characteristics, your disposition, your eyes, your hair color, your smile. She/He is your baby. No paper, no amount of money can ever change that. My heart aches for you. I am Grandma. I am the heartbroken Grandma who now cries like I've never cried before. I recently found out that my grandchild was taken from her Mother, my daughter, at birth. Our beautiful granddaughter was taken from her Mother, her grandparents, from her great-grandparents, my Mom and Dad, who will never know this beautiful girl, their great-granddaughter. Mom is dying from Alzheimers Disease and Dad has passed away. Sadly, it is too late for them. Our granddaughter was also taken from her aunts and uncles, from her cousins, from her siblings, from all her family, a loving, wonderful family who have missed out on so much of her life and who are now to her - strangers. Do people who adopt ever think about the great sadness they are bringing to others? We all have things that we "want." But we don't always get what we want and we sure should know that you don't take things that don't belong to you, especially children, especially their birthright. But you Beautiful Ladies - You are Mother. I am Grandma. We cry together.<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-43380653636038590492018-01-20T08:41:45.601-05:002018-01-20T08:41:45.601-05:00Meh, maybe not the first parent, but definitely th...Meh, maybe not the first parent, but definitely the first mother. Never a birth mother or birth parent, but always the first mother and simply...mother. Nolongeradoptedhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16699644030121823512noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-57596900490990243822018-01-20T03:07:40.413-05:002018-01-20T03:07:40.413-05:00First of all, I think it is important not to minim...First of all, I think it is important not to minimize Alli's characterization of how she views her adoptive and biological mothers/fathers (I am using her terms). It is my opinion that, ultimately, it is up to the adoptee to decide what they want to call them.<br /><br />Next, speaking from the perspective of our situation, my adoptive son calls his biological mother "mom" or "real mom" when he talks to me (clearly, he knows I would understand he is not referring to me as "mom" or "real mom" in the third person). When he talks to my husband, he refers to his natural mother as his "other mom" - so my husband knows he is not talking about me. He calls me "mom" as well.<br /><br />While Alli has every right to describe her relationships as she views them, in my situation, my son's mother (whom I refer to on paper as first mother or natural mother, so people know I am not referring to myself, and I call her "your mom" when talking to my son because he understands I am not talking about myself) definitely had the most important parenting role in my son's life. My son's mother is a drug addict who lost her first child to adoption. When she found out she was pregnant with my son, she was determined to keep him and made a Herculean effort to stay clean. The excellent prenatal care she provided him gave him the start in life which, quite frankly, overrides anything I can give him as his adoptive mother. And I am not saying this to be modest, I think the advantages of good prenatal care are universally acknowledged. <br /><br />The fact that my son's natural mother could not remain drug free does not relegate her status to "Tummy Mommy." Sorry, Anonymous (the other Anonymous, not Mei Ling), but that is definitely a term coined by an adoptive parent. The "Tummy Mommy" provided the tummy and the "Heart Mommy" provided the heart? I know that is not at all true in my case, or in most cases. I have had two life experiences where losing a child did a number on my heart. One was when the baby I carried, a little boy, died in utero at 5 months - I don't remember much of the 2 years after he died, I stopped living too. The other was when the foster daughter I love dearly went back to her mother - I don't remember much of my life in the 2 years after she left either, I was grieving too much. So, the heart of a mother gets roped in early on, no matter when you get called on to be a mother. There is no "tummy mommy," only a mommy - and every mommy is a "heart" mommy as far as I am concerned.<br /><br />Having said that, however, I believe Anonymous has good intentions and acknowledges and respects the mother who gave birth to her daughter. Sounds like you have an open relationship - and if your daughter's mom has no problem with "Tummy Mommy," then it is not mine or anyone else's place to say otherwise. Jay Iyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01592280612055255470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-51944466611360722452018-01-19T14:14:23.228-05:002018-01-19T14:14:23.228-05:00I adopted my daughter from foster care and we have...I adopted my daughter from foster care and we have been so incredibly lucky to have a good relationship with her family. She calls her mom "Tummy Mommy" (she's only 6)and me her "Heart Mommy." She went to daycare with many other children who were in foster care, adopted and in non-traditional families, so at this point, she really doesn't see anything unusual about being adopted. I recognize that as a parent, I am "writing her story" through my words and actions. I have tried continually to ensure that she has the words to express how she is feeling and to accept her emotions with dignity and respect. Her mom has a place in her life that I can never fill, just as I have a place in her life that her mother can not fill.<br />"She is hers in a way she will never be mine, and mine in a way that will never be hers."Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-74980448687660265032018-01-18T17:29:56.638-05:002018-01-18T17:29:56.638-05:00Denise, I’m an interested onlooker with adoption t...Denise, I’m an interested onlooker with adoption trauma in my extended family, not an adoptee or an AP, but I also found your posts thought-provoking and well-done.<br /><br />As Lorraine and others often have said, adoption is everywhere and they could just scream... well, I found another heart-rending example in detail.<br /><br />If this isn’t too O/T, I just finished Joe Hagan’s biography of Rolling Stone founder Jann Wenner, titled “Sticky Fingers.” One of the many appallingly detailed details occurs when Wenner and his wife adopt a son in the mid-‘80s (“sharecropper babies,” the facilitator called his sources). <br /><br />Nine months later, the then-Mrs. Wenner conceived the first of her two biological sons, who grew up to be the golden, chosen ones while the adoptee became what Hagan called “very unhappy,” in great detail. I was grieved but not surprised.MrsTarquinBiscuitbarrelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00479830264284065679noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-59742142438431815062018-01-16T15:48:49.137-05:002018-01-16T15:48:49.137-05:00I understand the disparagement inherent in the ter...I understand the disparagement inherent in the term "birthmother" now that I am older and much more aware. The last few days I've been in flash-back mode which doesn't happen as often anymore. Anyway, it's very unpleasant and I've been trying to trace it back to the beginning and I think it was signing some legal documents This is the time of year I signed the surrender papers. Anyway I've been sending weird e-mails to all kinds of political groups- Democrat and Republican alike As far as language goes I think a lot of girls are tricked by the name "Planned Parenthood" -because I think most girls really want their babies but are scared and conditioned by society to think they're supposed to do the right thing and have an abortion. In a haze of youth and panic and semi-consciousness, "planned" is a good word and "Parenthood" is a good word. Maybe they should change the name to women's clinic or something. Maybe this flashback mode was just the weather It happened when the temperature went from 60 to 28 in 3 hours Yeah, I'll just blame it on the weather Thank you for this blog -I think I'll stop sending weird e-mails nowAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-24224163935480938392018-01-15T14:43:02.459-05:002018-01-15T14:43:02.459-05:00The odd thing is that many people (specifically th...The odd thing is that many people (specifically those who use the term "birth" mother) in adoptionland will say that they are not using the prefix "birth" to denigrate the mother who conceived - rather, it is an honour to identify her by using the prefix that indicates what her role was - she gave birth, but did not actively raise the child, so there is no malicious intent.<br /><br />To which I point out "Think about a situation where the mother died when saving her son. Let's say her son is a toddler. When we talk about her death, we refer to her as a mother. Not a birth mother. A mother. Period. Because she is recognized as the boy's mother even if she physically died, she did not stop being his mother."<br /><br />Another argument is adoptees who insist the term "birth" mother is not meant to mislabel, do not seem to have observed that literally every mother out there who conceived her child is by definition, a mother by birth. They say "We're not defining her by the act of giving birth, I only use 'birth' mother to differentiate her from the mother who raised me."<br /><br />But if that were the case - shouldn't we be saying every mother who has given birth is a "birth" mother? They all gave birth, correct? But what the difference is, is that they didn't RAISE their child, so they HAVE to be differentiated.<br /><br />Couldn't we all just use context and our brains instead of getting hung up over prefixes? I've never understood this.<br /><br />Mei-LingAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-66759122402358808462018-01-15T14:37:03.627-05:002018-01-15T14:37:03.627-05:00[my birth mother apparently did a satisfactory job...[my birth mother apparently did a satisfactory job of gestating me, but pregnancy is not equivalent to caring for a baby.]<br /><br />I understand what you mean - the actual process of birthing an infant is not the same as literally feeding and clothing a child for 18 years.<br /><br />But for most families - and this includes intact biological ones as well - the mother and infant are affected and connected in-utero.<br /><br />Mei-LingAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-69343056816770218332018-01-14T09:14:23.682-05:002018-01-14T09:14:23.682-05:00Denise, this is probably the BEST and most accurat...Denise, this is probably the BEST and most accurate explanation I have ever read. All three of your posts hit the nail on the head with the reality of adoption. Keep writing, as you have a talent of putting reality in a nutshell. You just told my story and described the adoptive parents to a tee. Thank you for putting in writing what I have tried to articulate for years. Your posts helped me so much. Amandanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-34964480590133338662018-01-14T00:01:50.987-05:002018-01-14T00:01:50.987-05:00Unfortunately some of us first mothers are told by...Unfortunately some of us first mothers are told by our found children that we abandoned them when we did not. Sarahnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-54898978969367567652018-01-13T22:57:44.250-05:002018-01-13T22:57:44.250-05:00From my own experience, the most common term used ...From my own experience, the most common term used to describe first/birth/natural mother is "real mother." This nomenclature is preferred by almost everyone who is not a member of the adoption triad. It's used by all ages and classes. <br /><br />This really irritated my adoptive mother. She taught me a memorized script to repeat to anyone who referred to my natural mother as my real mom. It happened a lot because I often told people I was adopted, to which they would respond, "Do you know who your real mom is?"<br /><br />The memorized response was "My adoptive mother is my real mother." But no matter how often I repeated that, people didn't change their thinking. I felt misunderstood. <br />Meganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01386268512599829234noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-69880738281433634452018-01-13T15:18:55.462-05:002018-01-13T15:18:55.462-05:00Like a painting your words bring us deeper into an...Like a painting your words bring us deeper into and reveal newer meaning to the cruel world of adaption. Mothers like you and Lorraine and all the other mothers have been my only solace in bearing our society's sanctions against unsupported pregnancies.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-85994314605869593782018-01-13T15:16:56.208-05:002018-01-13T15:16:56.208-05:00I was never too politically aware or correct and s...I was never too politically aware or correct and so I never minded the term birthmother I actually like it "Birth" is a good word and "Mother" is a good word- so. I do respect and appreciate the mother who raised my child, but I disagree strongly with those who say that "gestating" a baby doesn't make a person a mother. If it didn't, I wouldn't have gone through the hell I did after giving my baby up and the unreality that ensued for years until I searched This damn connection is just a mystery and cannot be undone by any laws of man. Just my 2 cents-from my own experience. I never forgot and went on with my life like the idiot social workers said. They're probably happy I suffered so much. That'll teach me to be so young and happy when my baby was bornAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com