tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post2090890373884014150..comments2024-03-14T17:59:30.786-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: A First Mother reminiscences about Thanksgivings pastLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger54125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-82864937326417924272012-12-04T16:09:09.699-05:002012-12-04T16:09:09.699-05:00"There is nothing you can do because you are ..."There is nothing you can do because you are not in charge."<br /><br />Except of yourself. Not easy, though. Beehivenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-8294221327649551252012-12-04T14:58:55.192-05:002012-12-04T14:58:55.192-05:00I read this the other day, and I thought of adopto...I read this the other day, and I thought of adoptomuss:<br /><br />There is nothing you can do because you are not in charge. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-61598298397166300722012-12-03T18:19:48.627-05:002012-12-03T18:19:48.627-05:00@Adoptomuss,
The pain for many of us adoptees is b...@Adoptomuss,<br />The pain for many of us adoptees is believing that our own mothers and fathers, the people who created us and gave us life, did not love us or care about us. That we were meaningless to them and that they gave us to strangers with nary a backward glance.<br /><br />And then we started to hear about the BSE and the girls who went away. We read the books, heard the stories, and started to think ...aah, maybe there's hope, maybe my mother did care, maybe she didn't give me up so easily.<br /><br />Whenever an adoption takes place, something went terribly awry. Some people will reunite and find that they were always wanted and are welcomed back. But for many of us, the story is more difficult and painful. And the only thing we can do is accept what happened to us and get help to try and heal as much as possible. And I think that's what you need to do. Your n-mother sounds very damaged and that she is not capable of having a good relationship with you. But you need to focus on you.<br /><br />Adoption is what happened to me because I was born during the BSE. But really it was because my father didn't want me. And that hurts, it's devastating. I look around at my friends who have wonderful fathers and ask the unanswerable why? Why did I have to get such an a-hole for a father? But it is sadly something that I just have to live with.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-34868426801844123772012-12-03T17:47:27.407-05:002012-12-03T17:47:27.407-05:00My mother has never made it clear that she doesn&#...My mother has never made it clear that she doesn't want a relationship with me. At first we saw each other a lot. I don't know how things went bad. One night she texted me, and it was as if another person was talking. I told her it was me, her daughter. She called me Little miss f**** know it all. <br /><br />I had no idea she felt that way about me. My mother is my fantasy mother. She lives up to my expectations, that's why it's so hard for me when she turns on me. It comes from nowhere (that I can see). <br /><br />The glimpse of heaven was my own dear mother's face. I miss her everyday, but I know seeing me brings out the worst in her. I stay away for her sake. <br /><br />Mom is unable to answer many questions. She has put many things out of her mind. No one else will tell me what really happened either. My aunt told me, there are some things that I will never tell you. <br /><br />My mother is the answer to my biggest problem, not knowing who my mother is! I'm glad to know her. I wish she felt the same about me. <br /><br />Maybe I should mention Mom may have multiple personalities, as a result of severe childhood abuse. She says she doesn't, but some relatives say she does. I have heard her use different voices, but I don't know her well enough to tell if they are other personalities. <br /><br />All I want is to be a daughter to my mother. I'd be a good one. I want to take her places with me and my children. I want her in my life. I'm sorry it cannot be. I just want to make her happy. I thought i did at first. <br /><br />I don't think my mother thought of the religious thing about potters field. She was just horrified by the idea, as was I.adoptomussnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-50331776808507672452012-12-03T16:36:04.601-05:002012-12-03T16:36:04.601-05:00Adoptomus, it sounds like you really were looking ...Adoptomus, it sounds like you really were looking for a fantasy mother and the real one could not measure up, given the way she reacted to you. That says nothing bad about you, but maybe it would be easier if you stopped idealizing her as the answer to all your problems.<br /><br />How could she have been "a glimpse of heaven" and so beloved if she treated you so badly and made it clear she did not want a relationship? What were you expecting her to do for you? It seems that you did get your questions answered but did not like the answers you got. It is clear that all of this has been very painful to you, but it does seem very much a fantasy that the real person could not and would not fill. Reunions never cure all of anyone's problems and sometimes create new ones. All the lies about your early life have it made it even more complicated.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-26840181303100349482012-12-03T12:44:02.599-05:002012-12-03T12:44:02.599-05:00"The terrible thing I did to my mother was to..."The terrible thing I did to my mother was to tell her that I found out what happened to stillborn babies. They were sent to potter's field to be buried in mass graves. "<br /><br />Adoptomuss, this is just a thought and of course I could be wrong, but I have been puzzling about why your mother took what you said above so much to heart, and wonder if she read more into the "potter's field" analogy than perhaps you intended. <br />I don't know if your mother, father or either of their families are or were particularly religious, but in the bible (references in Matthew and Acts) the potter's field was bought with the money Judas received for betraying Jesus. It was also there that Judas supposedly hanged himself. So perhaps your mother interpreted your comment as an accusation of betrayal comparable to that committed by Judas, rather than simply as an expression of your own pain. <br />Looked at that way, it's a pretty heavy analogy, and one that would not give her any real expectation of understanding or forgiveness.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-78064947589628964872012-12-02T22:21:43.485-05:002012-12-02T22:21:43.485-05:00Yes Lorraine, I know you are right. It's as i...Yes Lorraine, I know you are right. It's as if I got a glimpse of heaven and the door was slammed in my face. I met my wonderful mother, and she can't accept me. <br />All my life I thought that when I found my mother, it would be the answer to my all my questions. I always had hope. <br />I have to adjust to a different reality, and it's not easy. I will live with it, I have no choice. <br />The pain and anger I feel will always be part of me. <br />I'm so angry that society thought it was OK to separate me from my mother, and give me to the next woman on the adoption list. <br />My own father tells me that my family is the one who raised me. I know that he's my father, and my mother is my mother, and nothing that has happened or will happen to me can ever change that. <br />They just cannot understand.adoptomussnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-8135457593679650522012-12-02T20:33:24.427-05:002012-12-02T20:33:24.427-05:00Adoptomuss:
Quoting You: "I just can't se...Adoptomuss:<br />Quoting You: "I just can't see what I've done to deserve this."<br /><br />Honey, neither do we. You don't deserve this. I don't understand how yoga and therapy made his kind of situation. <br /><br />It does sound like a situation (and a mother) you have to accept, and move on in your own life. She sounds too damaged by her own early years to be able to live with any thoughts of the past. I'm guessing here, but you in flesh remind her too much of guilt that she has buried. <br /><br /><br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-5318244352324093382012-12-02T16:25:56.313-05:002012-12-02T16:25:56.313-05:00I'm not sure why my parents faked my death. D...I'm not sure why my parents faked my death. Dad says he doesn't know why they did it, and Mom denies she ever did it. They got married when Mom was 6 weeks pregnant. They moved cross town to hide my birth from everyone. They dropped me at the agency upon release from the hospital. <br /><br />Dad's family was stable and they had a spacious home. Mom's family was horrific, with a drunken mother who went with all the men in town. The children were abused in every way. There were 7 in all, each with a different father.<br /><br />I've told my mother how much I love her many times, and it seems to make her angry. She says I choose to be a victim and doesn't want to see me until I can live in the now.<br /><br />Mom says shes healed because of therapy and yoga. <br /><br />Dad and mom had the marriage annulled and both had other children they kept. Mom is still close to Dad's family, they grew up in the same small town. <br /><br />Dad betrayed my trust. He told his sister everything I said to him in my pain. I asked him why he gave me up, and poured my heart out to him. He shared it all with his sister, and she told the whole clan my every word. They all hate me. I'm the monster, the Angry Adoptee. <br /><br />In a strange twist, mom identifies with Dad's family. My aunt, dad's sister also told Mom everything I said. Mom told me she would never take my side against my father's family. My mother sees my fathers family as perfect, particularly dad's sister. I can't win with everyone against me. <br /><br />I've told them I would not contact them again. My 50th birthday was a few weeks ago, and only one member of my family wished me Happy Birthday. I don't understand how anyone can treat their child that way. I just can't see what I've done to deserve this.adoptomussnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-87812038009566417882012-12-02T09:13:55.569-05:002012-12-02T09:13:55.569-05:00Adoptmuss,
I am sorry for the hurt and the pain y... <br />Adoptmuss,<br /><br />I am sorry for the hurt and the pain you must<br />be feeling. It hurts terribly to think that your <br />mom said you were dead in order to put you<br />up for adoption. I am curious about circum-<br />stances as to why? It's your choice to share.<br /><br />Have you told your mom what you told us? <br />How you feel about her? Have you had any<br />time together?<br /><br />GAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-27567310875437054142012-12-01T20:08:20.990-05:002012-12-01T20:08:20.990-05:00Adoptmuss,
I am sorry for the hurt and the pain y... <br />Adoptmuss,<br /><br />I am sorry for the hurt and the pain you must<br />be feeling. It hurts terribly to think that your <br />mom said you were dead in order to put you<br />up for adoption. I am curious about circum-<br />stances as to why? It's your choice to share.<br /><br />Have you told your mom what you told us? <br />How you feel about her? Have you had any<br />time together?<br /><br />GAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-18963481120761610362012-12-01T18:21:18.005-05:002012-12-01T18:21:18.005-05:00Thanks everyone for your comments. I never wanted...Thanks everyone for your comments. I never wanted to hurt my mother. I wanted to help her. I would love to make her life easier, but the wants no part of me. <br /><br />It seems that my blunt truth was her abuse. I was shocked and hurt when she said she was afraid of me. I would never hurt my dear mother. I wish she felt differently about me, but I don't know how to make her love me. I can't convince her that I'm a mild mannered 50 yr old mother of 4. I've never hurt anyone in my life. <br /><br />At first she accepted me, but there was always fear in her eyes. <br /><br />I know she didn't want to give me up, but she wasn't strong enough to hold on to me. Adoption has taken so much from my mother and I. <br /><br />She says that I only want a perfect, fantasy mother, but she is so wrong. I only want her. She is my perfect fantasy mother. She is the one who carried and bore me. She is the one I love above all other women. I wish she would believe me. adoptomussnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-31813765259533461122012-12-01T17:18:48.834-05:002012-12-01T17:18:48.834-05:00maryanne wrote:
"On the other hand, I have s...maryanne wrote:<br /><br />"On the other hand, I have seen both adoptees and mothers put up with terrible abuse from the other party for years, trying in vain to work out a situation that proved impossible. Sometimes the only thing to do is withdraw for your own safety and sanity."<br /><br />Sadly, this is true.Fionanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-46489016152146042542012-12-01T15:09:10.926-05:002012-12-01T15:09:10.926-05:00Not getting into the specifics of any one case, it...Not getting into the specifics of any one case, it is pretty hard to define abuse in reunion because it is so much in the eye of the beholder. One person's blunt truth and honesty is another's abuse. <br /><br />Some things are clearly abusive no matter what the relationship; continued cursing, endless blaming, stalking or harassing, physical violence or the threat of physical violence, threats to other family members, unreasonable rehashing of blame for everything wrong in one's life and unwillingness to listen to any apology or attempt at reconciliation. Unreasonable demands for money or gifts the other person cannot give can be abusive, as can using guilt or manipulation.<br /><br />Beyond actions that are blatantly abusive, there seems to be a whole minefield of potential misunderstandings, unmet expectations, and hurt feelings in reunion that some people interpret as abuse. I have not been in this situation as my son has never done anything in any way abusive, but have seen many people take things the wrong way and withdraw, in situations that could have been handled differently. On the other hand, I have seen both adoptees and mothers put up with terrible abuse from the other party for years, trying in vain to work out a situation that proved impossible. Sometimes the only thing to do is withdraw for your own safety and sanity.<br /><br />maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-21479154754509990072012-12-01T13:22:18.524-05:002012-12-01T13:22:18.524-05:00I knew I was adopted and knew the fake death story...I knew I was adopted and knew the fake death story all my life. I was told in infancy. When I found my family a cousin told me they had been told about a dead baby. That's when I knew the story was true. Mom denied it. She said her Mom came to my parents apartment looking for the new baby and my Mom screamed, "She's dead". My grandmother never brought it up again. <br /><br />Dad admitted they planned the whole thing. They moved across town and told no one I was born. He told his parents I died, and no one asked any questions, according to him. <br /><br />I told my mother to try and get her to understand how much what she did hurt me. I was angry and hurt. It's terrible to know no one even claimed my body. It's degrading to think my own parents did that to me. <br /><br /><br /> Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-15409034732153053662012-12-01T12:11:16.371-05:002012-12-01T12:11:16.371-05:00Adoptomuss,
Were you trying to tell your mom you ...Adoptomuss,<br /><br />Were you trying to tell your mom you knew<br />about faked death? By saying stllborn's were<br />buried in potter's field? Curious how you were<br />Explained to mom's parents after dying?<br /><br />Interesting, fact from your adopter which came<br />from agency?? I would say your adopter was <br />throwing wrench in reunion. <br /><br />GAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-74218824731948951002012-11-30T23:35:21.060-05:002012-11-30T23:35:21.060-05:00I still have questions about abuse. Many mothers ...I still have questions about abuse. Many mothers complain that their children are abusive, or want revenge or payback. How do mothers know that is the case? My mother says I'm abusive and I need therapy. <br /><br />I know it's not PC, but I don't think therapy can really help me. I have tried it. I also don't think I've been abusive to anyone. <br /><br />The terrible thing I did to my mother was to tell her that I found out what happened to stillborn babies. They were sent to potter's field to be buried in mass graves. <br /><br />My parents faked my death in order to give me up without their parents trying to save me. I wondered all my life what happened to my dead body.<br /><br />My mother says I gave her nightmares. <br /><br />My adoptive mother told me that my parents faked my death when I was a little girl. The agency told her, and she told me. It was one of the few things I knew about my parents. <br /><br />I live with that reality all my life. Was it abuse to tell my mother how I felt?adoptomussnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-87833554551628280392012-11-29T15:57:48.209-05:002012-11-29T15:57:48.209-05:00Anon,
Let these birthmothers you know who view ado...Anon,<br />Let these birthmothers you know who view adoption positively speak for themselves. Birthmothers often do not express their real feelings, especially to adoptive parents who have their children. Birthmothers don't want to antagonize them and jeopardize their relationship with their lost children. I know of one birthmother who was told by the adoption agency that if she didn't act happy about the adoption in front of the adoptive parents and her son, the adoptive parents would cut off contact.<br /><br />Unfortunately, adoption is still a game of "let's pretend" for many.<br /><br />Read the blogs of mothers who claim to view adoption positively and you'll read how they try to cope with their pain.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-91234254031201082432012-11-29T10:57:37.612-05:002012-11-29T10:57:37.612-05:00@ Anonymous, November 29, 2012 1:08 AM (and all ot...@ Anonymous, November 29, 2012 1:08 AM (and all others who are bewildered by critics of the American adoption system):<br /><br />There is a great deal of information about adoption on the web and it isn't all puppies and unicorns. Did you just discover the internet this morning?<br /><br />Keep searching and you will be amazed (and probably frightened) by adoptees and natural mothers who have taken to the web to share a different point of view about adoption.<br /><br />Or you could just put your blinders back on, your choice.maybehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07067284504038707207noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-17129606132121029732012-11-29T09:40:19.423-05:002012-11-29T09:40:19.423-05:00Anonymous,
Maybe your children are fine with bein...Anonymous,<br /><br />Maybe your children are fine with being adopted. (Just an FYI: I'm fine with having been adopted, too. Society would have had to have been different for me to have remained with my mother. I accept that.)<br /><br />But, that doesn't mean that I didn't feel the need to connect with my biological parents. I wanted to see pics of people who might look like me. I wanted to hear stories about them. I wanted to know if I was like them in any way. I wanted to know if I was given a name at birth. I wanted to learn the story of how I came to be. The list of questions I had goes on and on.<br /><br />Do you think it is fair that the majority of people have answers to these questions while most adoptees do not?<br /><br />Oh, and I have been in communication with both of my biological parents. My adoptive family does not know this. It would be too painful for them. (I suspect if your children searched theirs out, it would be too painful for you. I don't know the ages of your children. But, who knows, maybe they have already sought out their biological parents or maybe they will in the future. They may not tell you because they know how you feel about this subject.)<br /><br />Please never assume a lack of interest in our biological parents simply because we don't voice it. You should also know that we may not be completely honest about our feelings about adoption with our adoptive parents because we love you, and we don't want to hurt you, either.<br /><br />Anonymous, I'm not saying that your children will ever want to search. But, whether they do or do not is not a measure of who you are as a parent or of how much they love you. (Personally, I love to solve a good mystery. So, there was absolutely no way that I was going to leave this Earth without solving mine.)HDWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-75693643812428813092012-11-29T07:54:39.484-05:002012-11-29T07:54:39.484-05:00Anonymous, I also know adoptees who are fine, upst...Anonymous, I also know adoptees who are fine, upstanding, smart people. None of them say they would rather be adopted than...not adopted. <br /><br />For the most part, for all the adoptions that should not have been, adoption is a horrendous thing. It changes forever the life of the mother who gives birth--and not for the better--and creates a person with a big hole in their heart. <br /><br />I wonder why you found this blog--are you an adoptive parent? Or just an interested bystander? I doubt it. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-14226306868087741572012-11-29T01:08:26.125-05:002012-11-29T01:08:26.125-05:00By reading much of this stuff, you'd think tha...By reading much of this stuff, you'd think that adoption was a horrendous thing. That is hurtful to prospective birthmothers, because that is not a balanced view. I do know of many birthmothers who view adoption as a positive experience. It would sure be nice if you could show that side, too. I also know adoptees, my children included, who are perfectly fine with being adopted and don't feel the need to be integrated into their birth mom's family. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-49891654830704206702012-11-28T14:40:04.676-05:002012-11-28T14:40:04.676-05:00Adoptomuss,
A person can be abused intentionally ...Adoptomuss,<br /><br />A person can be abused intentionally or unintentionally. With abuse, intention is irrelevant.<br /><br />Cindy mentioned that her children believed "there was a debt to be repaid ... for the 'adoption trauma'". Going into an new relationship expecting someone to give restitution for past wrongs is probably not going to go well.<br /><br />Are your parents married to one another? If not, did both of them claim that you were being abusive? If they both claimed separately that you were abusive, it is something that you may need to explore.<br /><br />A lot of negative emotions can surface during reunion, and no one has the right to inflict their emotions onto other people. <br /><br />Since I don't know your situation, I have no idea if you were being abusive or if your family is actually being emotionally abusive to you. <br /><br />I would recommend finding a support group or a counselor who is skilled in adoption issues. Whether you were abusive or not, it sounds like you are in a lot of pain and could use support.<br /><br />HDWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-35701423718262481312012-11-28T12:52:11.688-05:002012-11-28T12:52:11.688-05:00I didn't think I was being abusive, but my mot...I didn't think I was being abusive, but my mother did. I was bewildered by her reaction. What is abusive behavior by an adoptee? Who decides if its abusive? Cindy says her children blame her and want her to pay, but is that her children's real intention? Both my parents and most of their relatives have turned away from me in a short time. I never thought I was abusing them, but maybe I don't know exactly what abuse is. Adoptomussnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-32997429887042399242012-11-28T10:51:53.248-05:002012-11-28T10:51:53.248-05:00Sometimes the good advice delivered in snippets to...Sometimes the good advice delivered in snippets to people who are hurting that if left here is so good. I find it rewarding to read. Thank you all who contribute, your names are too long to list...but ♥♥♥Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.com