tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post2190301714832045912..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Does adoption run in families?Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger66125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-37054111717030599272013-10-11T12:14:03.295-04:002013-10-11T12:14:03.295-04:00'And furthermore, what about kept daughters of...'And furthermore, what about kept daughters of relinquishing mothers? Would they be relinquishing at a greater rate too? '<br /><br /><br />I am the daughter my mother kept after relinquishing her first daughter four years earlier. When I got pregnant at 16, my mother pressurised me to give up my son for adoption, believing it would be best for him and for me.<br /><br />Of course, it wasn't. We are reunited now, but grief and loss accompany our joy in being back in each other's worlds.<br /><br />I wonder what was going on in my mother's head, beneath the rational thoughts she was having about my situation.<br /><br />She is too difficult to talk to. Or perhaps it's that I don't trust her anymore.Cherrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-2033933724146137342011-06-27T05:20:08.573-04:002011-06-27T05:20:08.573-04:00I have been researching adoption issues for the la...I have been researching adoption issues for the last few months and happened upon this wonderful site. I too was adopted and surrendered my son. I was an older child when adopted and the Children's Home Society of Maryland pushed my adopters to take both my brother and myself so we would not be separated. My adopted father was brilliant and schzophrenic which turned into a brutal world. When I turned 13 I took my parents to court to be removed from the home after my father strangled me. The court returned me to foster care where I was later sexually abused. My brother and I were separated for many years and were never able to re-establish a connection though we tried. I became pregnant at 19 and thought I'd be doing the best thing for my child if I gave him up for adoption. I often wonder why considering what I went through, but I remember feeling I couldn't be a very good mother, not really understanding the psychology of it all back then. I did eventually have a daughter that I raised and though she did not give her children up for adoption, she let them be raised by by ex-husband and his wife, after a bipolar episode where she just disappeared for several months. So, perhaps there is indeed a genetic component. Perhaps we are so destined. After avoiding the issue all my life and suffering the consequences I am now on a belated quest to heal these wounds that defined my life, and reading this thread and this site has given me wings. I was floundering and though intellectually attacking my research, my sadness had begun to weigh heavily, and I felt quite alone. Thank you to all.Christynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-34842591313703154322011-06-16T16:44:09.557-04:002011-06-16T16:44:09.557-04:00My first mother and I had some eerie coincidences,...My first mother and I had some eerie coincidences, too. We were living in homes that looked exactly alike even though we lived 800 miles apart. Also, when I found her we were both reading the same book and this was not some current bestseller that everyone was reading, it was about 4 years old.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-34656542310375541012011-06-16T15:00:51.290-04:002011-06-16T15:00:51.290-04:00There are so many coincidences in some reunions th...There are so many coincidences in some reunions that it is...mystical. And it does feel strange and wonderful at the same time.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-7190164661035568202011-06-15T19:06:02.042-04:002011-06-15T19:06:02.042-04:00I don't know if adoption runs in families but ...I don't know if adoption runs in families but I think much of what I did was driven by unconscious forces. When I was a baby, my mother's brother was killed in a car crash. When I found the son that I had surrendered,he was at a rock concert in another state. His mother answered the phone and one of the first things I said was"Is he a good driver?" I just blurted it out. She got a little nervous and wanted to know if she should call to tell him or wait until he got home. I told her to wait until he was back. Everything was fine, but it wasn't until my parents met him(their grandson) and my mother said"He looks like my brother" that everything started to make sense to me. My mother's brother was born in October as was my son and I felt driven by strange dreams to find my son in August of the year he was 23. My mother's brother died in August of the year he was 23. When my mother showed us pictures, the resemblance was remarkable. Her brother's fiance even looked almost exactly like my son's then-girlfriend. This has all been very strange,but wonderful.too,like a new dimension or level of awareness or something.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-60129230885044214112011-06-14T13:15:05.439-04:002011-06-14T13:15:05.439-04:00KRT,
I did not intend to imply that all folks who...KRT,<br /><br />I did not intend to imply that all folks who oppose abortion also oppose open records. Catholic Charities in Oregon is very supportive of adoption reform including opening records.<br /><br />My phrase "the anti-choice crowd who oppose open records" was referring to a segment of open records opponents who use opposition to abortion as a smoke screen to justify keeping records closed. There are also pro-choice opponents of the legislation including the New Jersey ACLU.<br /><br />My apologies. I should have phrased this differently.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-10774649829539372292011-06-14T12:50:02.479-04:002011-06-14T12:50:02.479-04:00From a comment way up closer to the top, addressin...From a comment way up closer to the top, addressing Jane Edwards: As a co-writer at a blog that is well aware of the way that words and phrases are used to manipulate and modify perception, I was disturbed that you pulled out the phrase "anti-choice". I also didn't not appreciate the lumping together of a group as being of the same mindset, as I'm sure you would not appreciate the lumping together of "all birthmothers are x, y and z". For the record, I am a first mother, I am pro-life, and I am also <b>all about</b> opening records and adoption reform, if not abolishment. :)<br /><br />Now, on to topic, my husband is an adoptee. His biological mother was also an adoptee. She was forced to surrender him at birth. Her own mother abandoned her when she was a toddler, and her father gave her to an orphanage while keeping and raising her brothers.<br /><br />He is also the biological father of a child that we had together and relinquished prior to our marriage, and HE was the driving force behind the adoption. I would never have done it without that pressure. <br /><br />Stacked 3 deep thus far, and I pray that our daughter does not repeat the cycle. In her late teens now, she is opposed to having any children at all, ever, but that could change as she matures. She is also very much pro-abortion.<br /><br />I think our lineage reflects much truth in what was stated in this article.KRThttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11061844548021526369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-12056581460231347402011-06-13T17:36:37.975-04:002011-06-13T17:36:37.975-04:00I agree that adoption runs in families. I have al...I agree that adoption runs in families. I have always intuitively felt that adoptees want to understand how their mothers could have done this to them and what better way too. <br /><br />Adoptees de facto grow-up in households that believe in adoption. That normalize and support adoption.<br /><br />While I did not consciously get pregnant at the same age my mother was, I did get pregnant then. It has occurred to me that it was something of a subconscious grudge-match.<br /><br />Perhaps I am reading too much into it and it was simple biology and I simply wanted to protect and nurture my baby like most mothers do and I had that opportunity. Unlike many mothers who relinquished. <br /><br />Lots of things run in families, like suicide, if you have a parent who commits suicide you yourself are a greater risk, as it has now become an solution to a problem for you. Of course not all children of suicides commit suicide and not all suicides are the children of suicides. I know someone will want to point out the obvious to me so I will just state that.<br /><br />If all other patterns of behavior run in families, why not adoption too? It is not really magic or a miracle no matter what Bethany Christian Services has told you.joyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15658928829424953809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-87825043013090546742011-06-13T16:46:31.355-04:002011-06-13T16:46:31.355-04:00Lorraine said: At least my daughter's mother s...Lorraine said: At least my daughter's mother said to her what was on her mind about being, er, less than: You're just like Lorraine. <br />You bring up a very important issue... how many of us (Adoptees) were told negative information about our natural mothers and then told either "You don't want to turn out like her do you?!!!" or (the ever popular) "You're just like your mother!" <br />We (males and females) are "just like" or Nothing like our parents (blood or adopted) because they raised us and they were/are our role models.CullyRaynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-16003333789460329132011-06-13T14:54:29.751-04:002011-06-13T14:54:29.751-04:00I see adoption as a sympton of the root cause: ab...I see adoption as a sympton of the root cause: abandonment issues recycling through successive generations. Families were often forced to leave their kids somewhere deemed safe, (ie. orphanage, foster care, with clergy, other family members, etc.) in order to survive/take a far away job/escape abuse. Still happens today in the third world and even the good ol' USA. <br /><br />The resulting abandonment issues at the subconscious level are never adequately addressed so the cycle repeats. (For those who want to say, "that's not every situation," - I'm sure there are other circumstances to consider as well, I'm just looking at the patterns I've noticed in my own and many other adoptee/firstmother/adoptive family trees). Abandonment leading to loneliess, fear, insecurity, desperation - how do we escape the multi-generational destruction of family brought on by this vicious cycle? It seems to afflict so many...<br /><br />Seems we suffer the same issues as the so-called "broken family" which is often lamented in the media (usually in reference to divorce and MIA mothers and fathers). Only difference is, we aren't allowed to acknowledge the problem due to society's insistence that adoption is wonderful. Contrast that with the constant attention on how the "broken family" needs to be prevented if at all possible, or healed after the fact, in order to break the cycle. At it's heart, adoption = broken family, does it not? Not suprising that the cycle so often repeats.maybehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07067284504038707207noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-84817289061915186122011-06-13T14:52:32.217-04:002011-06-13T14:52:32.217-04:00Cully Ray:
I wasn't sure you were talking abo...Cully Ray:<br /><br />I wasn't sure you were talking about anything we said, but without making it cklear what you are referring to, the outside reader might assume we had done that. Again, thanks, for clearing that up.<br /><br />At least my daughter's mother said to her what was on her mind about being, er, less than: <i>You're just like Lorraine</i> (sotto voce: <i>that selfish bitch</i>).Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-72060921440253911822011-06-13T14:31:47.828-04:002011-06-13T14:31:47.828-04:00Thanks CullyRay. No problem.Thanks CullyRay. No problem.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-68126787210261993692011-06-13T12:54:56.997-04:002011-06-13T12:54:56.997-04:00Lorraine, Jane... I never intended to imply that e...Lorraine, Jane... I never intended to imply that either of you had suggested that "adoptees" were/are lesser beings. and honestly, I didn't think I had. <br />The implication comes from society/community and sometimes (all too often) from the adoptive family - members who just can't love a child they are not blood related to or that they feel is a product of 'sin', or (very sadly) a child they adopted to bolster their ego as "do gooders" to/in a social group that in the long run could not care less.CullyRaynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-3328262933605296542011-06-13T12:30:51.540-04:002011-06-13T12:30:51.540-04:00Thanks for the link, Elizabeth.
A most interestin...Thanks for the link, Elizabeth.<br /><br />A most interesting article.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-20538717375740864302011-06-13T12:23:43.855-04:002011-06-13T12:23:43.855-04:00Elizabeth, you are anything BUT an outsider in th...Elizabeth, you are anything BUT an outsider in this topic, assuming at least one of your young ones is female. You are raising adoptees. You know now that your girl(s) belong to a group, statiscally seen more likely to show this harmful behaviour. It is up to you now to arm them, and that is a position, which is truly between a rock and a hard place, a very hard place.Theodorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14634057445114838262noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-74961642466711909802011-06-13T09:15:04.960-04:002011-06-13T09:15:04.960-04:00As a complete outsider to this discussion (an AP w...As a complete outsider to this discussion (an AP with two kids and zero pregnancies), I am greatly saddened and kind of surprised by the thought that an adoptee might be MORE likely to relinquish. In many cases, that baby is her first known blood relative!! Someone who probably looks like her. <br /><br />Reminds me of an essay by Amy Anderson, adult Korean adoptee and single mom:<br /><br />http://iamkoream.com/on-motherhood/<br /><br />~Elizabeth~Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-49980439081639775462011-06-12T21:54:12.827-04:002011-06-12T21:54:12.827-04:00Lorraine, you are right. The link I gave you doesn...Lorraine, you are right. The link I gave you doesn't work for me either. Try googling The Guardian Paula Fox.<br />Or http://www.guardian.co.uk/books and put 'Paula Fox' in search. The title of the article is "A qualified Optimist".<br /> <br /><br />Anon 12:58 PMAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-63495366426291663812011-06-12T21:27:57.324-04:002011-06-12T21:27:57.324-04:00RAVEN:
Thanks for saying what I was thinking--ple...RAVEN:<br /><br />Thanks for saying what I was thinking--please please everybody when you post here think up an anonymous name if you must, as it does make it easier to separate the drop-in <i>anonymousa</i> from the I-come-here-all-the-time <i>anonymousa.</i> <br /><br />And on the other point, I agree with you too. I really didn't understand what the carping was about.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-51135257091019173142011-06-12T20:58:52.764-04:002011-06-12T20:58:52.764-04:00Anonymous 9:04pm said...
"Jane Carr said tha...<i><b>Anonymous 9:04pm said...<br /><br />"Jane Carr said that she can't speak for first moms (convenient disclaimer), but both her daughters say they despise adoption and have told her it would never be an option they'd exercise."<br /><br />"Nice that they can assume they'd have an option."</b></i><br /><br />Dear Anonymous 9:04,<br /><br />I'm hoping that you can clarify exactly what you mean by "convenient disclaimer" in your reaction to Jane Karr's comment about not being able to speak for all natural mothers. Convenient how and for whom?? It's obvious that Jane can only speak for herself---she's not being insincere, and at least she's got the guts to use her real name instead of "Anonymous".<br /><br />The "Anonymous" screen name is a convenient cop-out. It doesn't take all that much time or creativity to come up with some screen name so that we don't confuse all the "Anonymous" comments and get them mixed up with each other.<br /><br />Would you have had the same reaction if an adopted person said they weren't speaking for all adoptees? Or would that be "convenient" too?Ravennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-38463173925583439542011-06-12T20:27:16.567-04:002011-06-12T20:27:16.567-04:00I am the first (and only) to be adopted out. My gr...I am the first (and only) to be adopted out. My grandmother was adamant that I be given away. My mother was not strong enough and still is not strong enough to decide how she felt/feels about it. But when my (b)cousin got pregnant at 16, it was such a joyous occasion for the entire family. <br /><br />BUT - I recently learned that my cousin DID consider giving her son up with no pressure or even mention of it by our grandmother. Thankfully, my sister talked some sense in to her. <br /><br />It still bothers me though. Why me and no one else? My (b)mother was conceived out of wedlock; they married and kept her. But I was forced out. Yet, after me there have been two more children conceived and born out of wedlock (by other family members) who were celebrated and welcomed. And now there's another one on the way! <br /><br />So, while the unwed pregnancies haven't stopped in my particular family - so far, adoption has. Phew!J. Marie Jamesonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13332149448125750269noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-9568264465095924552011-06-12T17:21:47.029-04:002011-06-12T17:21:47.029-04:00http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2003/jun/21/
featu...http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2003/jun/21/<br />featuresreviews.guardianreview7<br /><br />dear anon: th above link doesn't work--can you try again? I'm interested.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-60282610139862635982011-06-12T16:44:14.881-04:002011-06-12T16:44:14.881-04:00This is NOT a comment about the topic at hand...ju...This is NOT a comment about the topic at hand...just a TIP about a book that you might want to look into and review...and I just don't know how else to get it to you:<br /><br />On June 4/5, 2011, The Wall Street Journal reviewed a book titled The Red Market: On the Trail of the World's Organ Brokers, Bone Thieves, Blood Farmers and Child Traffickers by Scott Carney...who also wrote: White Coat, Black Hat: Adventures on the Dark Side of Medicine. <br /><br />The review makes reference to Mr. Carney's assertion that making organ donation and "adoption", among other practices, anonymous is an obvious lack of transparency. It further quotes Mr. Carney: "Transparency is capitalism's most basic safety feature." <br /><br />I found the review interesting and will definitely read the book.Torrejonhttp://yahoonoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-49519657933206475412011-06-12T16:37:10.809-04:002011-06-12T16:37:10.809-04:00As an adult adoptee, I think there would have to b...As an adult adoptee, I think there would have to be extensive research on it to see if there would be any validity to it. There are so many factors to consider besides genetics. <br />My mother went on to have 5 more children that she raised right after me. They have either lost their children to the state or have willingly given their children to the other parent to raise. I am the adoptee and have two children, both that I have raised, so that theory would not fit my circumstances. However, my brothers and sisters who grew up with my mother have lost/ surrendered their children, so maybe genetics plays a part, but not specifically to adoptees.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-74296166929780300132011-06-12T15:33:50.361-04:002011-06-12T15:33:50.361-04:00Regarding what happened to Paula Fox's other g...Regarding what happened to Paula Fox's other grandchildren: According to Carroll as of 2005 "Nicole, Jaimee, Tobias, and Daniel have rich and fulfilling lives and careers in psychotherapy, law, academic scholarship, and writing." Joshua, the boy left in New Zealand, "returned to Oregon and reunited with her family. He is studying to be CPA."<br /><br />Nicole, Jaimee, Tobias, and Daniel had more stability in their lives than Courtney since Carroll had a better relationship with their fathers. Courtney apparently felt she was the odd woman out in her family. <br /><br />Certainly, however, many factors went into Courtney's behavioral problems. Like many artists, she marched to her own drummer.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-41569260243960089012011-06-12T15:19:20.920-04:002011-06-12T15:19:20.920-04:00The Fox saga is a story of abandonment with formal...The Fox saga is a story of abandonment with formal adoption being only one form. However, from a child's point of view, there may not be much difference between a parent who leaves the child with others to raise and once who formerly surrenders him. <br /><br />I did not intend to suggest that adoptees were lesser in some way. My thought was that adoptees might think of children as dispensable since they were dispensed. Paula Fox was placed in an orphanage to be adopted but rescued by a family friend. She gave up her daughter, Linda Carroll. Although Fox did try to get Carroll back, Carroll did not know that. Carroll adopted a boy who struggled in her family. She left him with another family in New Zealand and returned to the US. This may have been the best for him but was a form of abandonment.<br /><br />Carroll did not relinquish Courtney but did place her with other caretakers because Courtney was extremely difficult to be around.<br /><br />Carroll seems to have spent much of her life searching for a place where she belonged. She married four times and moved frequently. She took the last name of a good friend because she felt her fit her better than the name of her adoptive parents. <br /><br />Courtney in turn did not or could not nurture her daughter because of Courtney's drug addiction. <br /><br />Adoption and abandonment have long-lasting consequences.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.com