tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post3217988657234097262..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: When an adoptee says: I'm not interested in searching....Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger82125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-56696884970425945452018-04-18T14:58:24.473-04:002018-04-18T14:58:24.473-04:00Make the call. Read the page post at the blog (see...Make the call. Read the page post at the blog (see the sidebar) about writing a letter, and see my add that I know think phone calls are way the best way to go. You say it all in the last line. You will always regret it. <br /><br />Say: Do you have time to talk about something personal?<br /><br />Then spit it out in one sentence: I was born as XYZ on ABC in DEF.. and I believe that date and place will mean something to you. I have my birth certificate and your name is on it. <br /><br />You'll never know unless you do. <br /><br />There's lots more to read at the blog if you poke around and search for adoptee reunion, etc.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-32049217417997510372018-04-18T14:03:30.917-04:002018-04-18T14:03:30.917-04:00I too, am an adult adoptee in IL and have gone my ...I too, am an adult adoptee in IL and have gone my entire 47 years as one of the “I-don't-need-to-search—if-I-did-ever-meet-my-birth-mother-I'd-really-only-want-medical-information-And-I-really-only-wonder-if-I-look-like-her” people. My adoptive mom (who is the GREATEST, I might add) has always told me that she would do everything in her power to help me search if I wanted to. When I learned that IL unsealed the records in 2010, it took me 7 years before I finally requested my OBC in December 2017. My mom had an idea of my bmom's name, but it turns out she was close but a bit off. I even knew my birth name. I thought I would be completely unaffected seeing my OBC, but I opened it and a wave of emotion came over me to see all the info in black and white on an official document. Once I had my bmom's name, DOB, and city of birth, it took me all of about 10 minutes to find her through my internet search. It is now middle of April and I'm still sitting on this info (according to my search, I have 2 half-brothers and a half-sister). I hesitate to reach out for fear of disrupting this woman's life as I'm guessing her other children and husband know absolutely nothing about me (the oldest is about 8-10 years younger than me I believe). I don’t even think I’m looking for a relationship with her, just to know my story. I don’t know that I’m mentally and emotionally prepared to reach out and possibly never hear back, which is probably why I’ve hesitated all these years, but there’s a part of me that knows I’ll regret not doing so if I miss the window and she passes before I decide to finally do it. What’s a girl to do? :-)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-17206183421504347332016-03-12T01:17:06.531-05:002016-03-12T01:17:06.531-05:00My birth mom was an unpleasant surprise too. I sea...My birth mom was an unpleasant surprise too. I searched 10 years for her. I was really excited about hearing her voice for our first phone call. Her first words to me were, "I am surprised to hear from you now. I thought you were dead." Then she told me that she knew I had sent letters to the agency for her several years ago, but she never requested them. She thought I was trying to reach out to her because I was dying. She said, "I thought by now you'd be dead." I kept hoping she would say at some point that she was glad I was all right but she never did. it never occurred to me that a birth mother would reconnect for an opportunity to express her hostility and cruelty to the child she relinquished. I just thought someone who felt that way wouldn't agree to have a phone conversation in the first place. There are all kinds of birth mother's.LCThttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14402332859665578568noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-61425855460305771262016-03-12T01:16:22.663-05:002016-03-12T01:16:22.663-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.LCThttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14402332859665578568noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-21503667257733416162015-04-23T14:24:43.515-04:002015-04-23T14:24:43.515-04:00PS: It's too bad the lawyer is a jerk. She mus...PS: It's too bad the lawyer is a jerk. She must not be aware that the world has changed, adoptees are speaking up and acting out their dreams. You are the by-product of an old case--and since time is money...you don't represent that. Maybe you even need to pay her an hourly fee to check her old records. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-19206703707692561702015-04-23T14:22:09.773-04:002015-04-23T14:22:09.773-04:00When any asks why you would "want to know,&qu...When any asks why you would "want to know," do ask them if they know who their parents, relatives, ancestors are....even if you know they do, because that ought to shut them up. Or you might say, "Why wouldn't I want to know? You do, or are you adopted also?" It might seem rude at first, but say it sweetly, and don't let 'em get you down. <br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-37481484969811220362015-04-23T14:10:39.728-04:002015-04-23T14:10:39.728-04:00I am an adult adoptee. I was always very curious, ...I am an adult adoptee. I was always very curious, but I did not search because I had very little information and knew that finding out more would put me into very embarrassing/humiliating situations. I would have to contact my adoptive parents' lawyer and beg for information or reach out to people that might not be related to me after all, if my research was incorrect. Also, I was told many times all the reasons that birth parents don't want to be contacted and that I should be grateful I was not aborted. My birth mother was also slammed. I was told she was "promiscuous" and a "flake." So, yes, I believe there are many ways in which adoptees are conditioned not to search. That was definitely the case for me. I got a lot of positive feedback for being "strong" enough and "grateful" enough to my adoptive parents not to wonder where I came from. However, I'm older now and more in touch with my own needs, so I've embarked on my search despite all the conditioning. So far, it has been painful. It is difficult to approach potential family members as a stranger, especially when they don't understand why I want "to know." I contacted the lawyer who did my adoption and she acted like i was calling from outer space and could not imagine why I would trouble her with such a thing. I guess we'll see how it all ends up, but I don't plan to give up.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-3335865535324483672014-03-31T12:34:17.386-04:002014-03-31T12:34:17.386-04:00Hey, Anon,
I never criticize anyone--first mothers...Hey, Anon,<br />I never criticize anyone--first mothers or adoptees--for not continuing to search after putting their heart into it and getting nowhere. I do have a problem with adoptees and first mothers who proclaim loudly to the world "I'm not interested in searching." This reinforces all the myths about adoption and leads legislators to believe that only a few malcontents support opening records.<br /><br />Frankly, I've found these "no interest folks" eventually find they do have an interest--a very strong one--that they suppressed for many years.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-41799610729237478572014-03-31T11:53:02.219-04:002014-03-31T11:53:02.219-04:00You can interpret the blog however you want, but I...You can interpret the blog however you want, but I am not "criticizing" adoptees who do not search, but puzzling over why they do not. It seems to the general public weird if someone expresses no interest in their own background and ancestral history, and the blog was merely puzzling over how that impulse can be shut down. <br /><br />But a few have chosen to interpret even discussing this--at a blog by first mothers for first mothers, as criticism. When it's not. All people are different. <br /><br />I was thinking about this from the point of view of someone who is adopted and has no reasonable means of finding out who he was when she was born, and how it must seem hopeless to search. The good news is that this year so many states have bills that would unseal the OBCs that I feel we are reaching a tipping point. Especially if your state is one of them, get involved.<br /><br />I didn't understand the part about your brother--a biological sibling? An adopted brother? His wife was freaked out? I have no idea who you are talking about. Please explain.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-86984484721737050322014-03-31T10:29:31.073-04:002014-03-31T10:29:31.073-04:00I think it is a teensy bit out of bounds (actually...I think it is a teensy bit out of bounds (actually that is being nice - it isn't any of your damned business actually) to criticize an adoptee for not searching. I searched for many years, and yes, the fact that I was denied information was maddening. I thought I found my brothers for goodness sake, but his wife was freaked out by the search so I got cut off from that, too... But you must understand that it is fundamentally a personal and private decision. Not yours. The adoptee's alone. So when searching and searching for years in the past with no resources, you discover no one is looking for you. And it hurts all over again. Now, with all of the resources available to us, with states opening up records, when searching AGAIN and now once AGAIN seeing that no one is looking for YOU. Well gee - are you seriously puzzled why we don't want to look? Sorry, but I understand it completely.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-48763697356919357372014-03-23T23:33:14.531-04:002014-03-23T23:33:14.531-04:00Lorraine, I'm not at all sure what I said that...Lorraine, I'm not at all sure what I said that came across that way. I often reply from my phone while laying with my kids at night, and it's not the best method if forming cohesive thoughts. <br /><br />Goodness, no, never would my husband and I encourage our daughters to give up any potential child for adoption regardless of their age at conception. We have actually discussed this several times so I can say that assuredly. It would of course not be ideal, but I don't believe that a lifetime of missing your child and us missing our grandchild is the solution to making some bad choices along the way of life. Would we support her if she chose adoption? Yes, reluctantly, but we would. But we are not those parents who would force or even encourage that choice, and we are those parents who would help so that education was completed and continual supper was there to help ensure our family stayed together. <br /><br />I am mortified that anything I wrote might have come across as otherwise because I believe so strongly in this. I love my daughters, and it would be a cold day in hell that I would ever, ever want them to go through what my dayghter's other mom has endured. It breaks my heart that she had to, and as a mother, I could never encourage my daughters to walk that road. Never. There's just about nothing I wouldn't do to prevent it.Tiffanynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-86935312878141082922014-03-22T14:13:52.240-04:002014-03-22T14:13:52.240-04:00Tiffany, I hope that your daughter does not end up...Tiffany, I hope that your daughter does not end up in a place like her other mother...where she has to give up a child. I know you didn't mean that, but when I read your comment, that thought leapt out at me. No one wants their daughter or son to be someone who gives up a child, or as someone said the other day on Facebook in response to the L'Wren post (shared by a non-adoption friend) "ditched the kid."Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-78407581688517658872014-03-22T14:13:51.458-04:002014-03-22T14:13:51.458-04:00Tiffany, I hope that your daughter does not end up...Tiffany, I hope that your daughter does not end up in a place like her other mother...where she has to give up a child. I know you didn't mean that, but when I read your comment, that thought leapt out at me. No one wants their daughter or son to be someone who gives up a child, or as someone said the other day on Facebook in response to the L'Wren post (shared by a non-adoption friend) "ditched the kid."Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-28545140252611885142014-03-21T17:02:24.486-04:002014-03-21T17:02:24.486-04:00Anonymous, I just saw your comment above. Thank yo...Anonymous, I just saw your comment above. Thank you so much. You ladies who post here are all so lovely, and I'm thankful for the opportunity to learn from you all.Tiffanynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-3023433280411975832014-03-04T17:37:59.301-05:002014-03-04T17:37:59.301-05:00bless you Tiffany, you are a gem.bless you Tiffany, you are a gem.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-30956819978208602472014-03-04T12:27:20.069-05:002014-03-04T12:27:20.069-05:00BJane said "I pray that you will continue to ...BJane said "I pray that you will continue to advocate for your child's mother and father. Even if/when your child says she/he wants nothing to do with them because of the hurt. I hope that doesn't happen, but it might."<br /><br />I can't know how our daughter will feel at various points in her life. Just like it is very hard for her mom to be around right now, it might be hard for our daughter to be around her at some points. I will always respect her feelings and needs and honor her wishes. At the same time, I will always be truthful with her about what I know of the situation- how incredibly hard this decision was for her parents, how heartbroken they were, especially her mother, and that the love they feel for her is indeed real. Life is not always easy or straightforward, and adoptees must live with the decisions their parents made, and I get that. But I know the cost of this decision for her parents, and I plan to be honest with my daughter about that truth. She may have any feelings she has about it, and they are valid, but I hope she will someday understand how hard this choice was for them and how cornered they were into making it. I was there, and I witnessed it all, and I carry that for our daughter. I know. I have never witnessed such sorrow, and I hope to never again. <br /><br />Also, I have my own promises to keep. If our daughter chooses to not have contact or a relationship, I will respect that. But I made a promise that I would have contact and keep her mother informed, and I will honor that promise, mother to mother. It is very wrong that your son's adoptive mother is not keeping her promises to you, and I am so sorry for that. It really upsets me when adoptive parents do that to first parents, and that's why I support making these open arrangements legal. It is, I believe, quite rare that a first parent poses a danger to a child, and in all other cases, adoptive parents and first parents should obtain mediation if they are having problems with the agreed arrangement.<br /><br />I do know we are blessed. Our daughter's parents are wonderful people, and I say often that if our daughter were to turn out exactly like them, I would be proud of her. I love them and appreciate their presence in all our lives- our older daughter thinks they are just amazing. I only wish they were more present, but I understand the heartache involved.Tiffanynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-90057819525005937022014-03-04T03:24:52.061-05:002014-03-04T03:24:52.061-05:00@ Cherry: Your scenario is very much like mine, ...@ Cherry: Your scenario is very much like mine, albeit from the other side of the adoption mess. I feel for you because, though not in your situation, I understand the aspect of dealing with your parents, and their past decisions, etc. The similarities are amazing! And thank you for your understanding and kind words.<br /><br />I had to smile when you said your elderly parents "bobble along in largely ignorant bliss"! My adoptive parents are right behind them! My father's often-used quote is "why rock the boat?" Why would we ever upset this perfect little family unit by bringing up anything from the past?<br /><br />I am finding it impossible to put my feelings at the center of my life, as you suggest. But you are right. I need to work towards that end. It is extremely difficult, especially while caring for my AP's on a daily basis.<br /><br />And if my state would just open the records, at least I would have some answers. Without rocking the boat, so to speak. It really is so long overdue that I honestly can't believe it is still an issue. <br /><br />And I agree with you that whoever thought this was a good idea had no understanding of human beings at all. How do you just pass babies around from one set of parents to other parents, closing all records, erasing all history, and think it's a good idea? Obviously no one thought about the babies.<br /><br />@ Anon 3:52 : You raise an interesting point, but I don't think that is it. Or at least not all of it. Georgia Tann and others like her, in my opinion, had so much to hide and were making a great deal of money. Obviously they didn't care about tearing families apart. They were stealing children left and right, and it became a very big business, as we all know. I think Georgia Tann, in particular, starting sealed records so there would be no paper trail. No one could search for the babies she had stolen and placed, and no one could question her practices. To read the history of the adoption industry is just sickening!!<br /><br />To think that it is still going on today is even worse. Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-7454009061479448672014-03-04T01:39:05.571-05:002014-03-04T01:39:05.571-05:00@ Anon March 2nd @4:12
you say, first mothers &...@ Anon March 2nd @4:12<br /> <br /><br />you say, first mothers "who must believe we (adoptees) feel a fundamental connection to our families"<br /><br />I don't feel that way. If anything it is I, who feels a connection to my son. He may not have felt a bond at all.<br /><br />That is his journey. But for me....his mother. The bond is there and it is not going away.<br /><br />BJanenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-44254379002475612422014-03-04T01:21:53.081-05:002014-03-04T01:21:53.081-05:00@ Tiffany,
I pray that you will continue to advoc...@ Tiffany,<br /><br />I pray that you will continue to advocate for your child's mother and father. Even if/when your child says she/he wants nothing to do with them because of the hurt. I hope that doesn't happen, but it might. <br /><br />Please don't be silent. Continue to advocate.<br /><br />My son's amom closed the adoption and in the same breath says," I am not keeping him from contacting you." <br /><br />But, she certainly isn't helping either.......<br /><br />BJanenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-30253582099914559512014-03-03T18:42:34.595-05:002014-03-03T18:42:34.595-05:00Unimpressed in Midwest said "OF COURSE an adu...Unimpressed in Midwest said "OF COURSE an adult adoptee NOT wishing to search must be flawed, diminished, raised by deranged adoptive parents or insert other standard response."<br /><br />I'm an adoptive mom, admittedly, but I didn't read it that way. Certainly, everyone is an individual. But we often examine a group of people and look for reasons, similarities, explanations for behavior, commonalities... stereotyping and generalization are frequent in all aspects of our lives, especially as we strive to understand a system like adoption. Adoptive parents are frequently generalized here as not caring about adoptee rights, having issues with birth parents, having not dealt with their infertility, not caring about their child's history or biological roots. As an AP, none of these generalizations fit me, but I don't take offense at those statements. They are obviously coming from somewhere and are based in certain experiences. I know those types of APs as well. Are they the majority? We have no real way of knowing that answer. But they impact first mothers in a very real way, so they are discussed here on a first mother site.<br /><br />There are adoptees who will not fit into the profile described in this post. But that doesn't invalidate that there might indeed be adoptees who do, and I see in the comments that some are relating to what was said, so there is obviously truth in it.<br /><br />In my limited experience, my friends who are adoptees have gone through varying stages in their lives, from not being interested to having mild interest to being very interested to searching and going back and forth between any of those states infinite numbers of times. <br /><br />There is no one size fits all for ANYONE. I've never met an adoptive mom who is exactly like me. But if we cannot speak in generalities, then we would not be able to discuss anything, so when certain descriptors don't fit me, I take it for what it is worth and respectfully add my voice to the discussion to represent my outlook.<br /><br />Regardless of any lack of desire to search and irrespective of the reasons why, it is wrong to seal OBCs. Point blank. Simply because there are some adoptees who do not wish to search does not change that. My daughter will always know her other parents, yet she has no right to her OBC from the state (although we do have a copy for her). Regardless of whether she continues to choose to maintain her relationship with them or not has nothing to do with access to her truth, her history, her birth record.Tiffanynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-62902561178399540982014-03-03T17:11:55.351-05:002014-03-03T17:11:55.351-05:00I'm continually having to tell adoptees who wa...I'm continually having to tell adoptees who want to search that the state they were born in changed the laws in x year and here is how you get your OBC.<br /><br />We as a collective group have failed to get the word out to the general public where many adoptee's reside - like G-Dean above - random luck he saw the change on the news.<br /><br />How can we do better at connecting to the masses of adoptees out there?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-90849569645020680312014-03-03T16:01:08.075-05:002014-03-03T16:01:08.075-05:00People like Meh Unimpressed in Midwest are the rea...People like Meh Unimpressed in Midwest are the reason most original birth certificates are sealed. Your disinterest and talking about it to your friends and family hurts all of us. BTW, what are you doing here? You are so not interested that you come to this blog to knock the writers who have done a lot to unseal OBCs.Just sayin.'noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-32660101616468690112014-03-03T15:52:57.808-05:002014-03-03T15:52:57.808-05:00Cherry said...
@ Julia Emily
"I absolutely ag...Cherry said...<br />@ Julia Emily<br />"I absolutely agree with your views about adoption as a social experiment. Only someone with absolutely no understanding of human beings could have ever thought it up"<br /><br />Actually I think it is the opposite and they did know how much it would hurt both mother and child and that is why they did it. I think people like Georgia Tann and Herbert Lehman wanted to destroy the family unit for various reasons and those who can't conceive today don't care because they are angry, jealous and feel bad about themselves so they are more than happy to buy into this abusive system.. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-7363632548961615902014-03-03T14:39:41.846-05:002014-03-03T14:39:41.846-05:00One of my husband's employees is in his late 4...One of my husband's employees is in his late 40's and adopted and another of my husband's employee's wife is in her early 40's and adopted. They have all been friends now for over 10 years and my husband was there when they met for the first time. He said the man immediately shared he was also adopted and attempted to engage the wife in a conversation about it. He told her he had always wanted to know more about his bio family, but the records were sealed and any search had been fruitless. She replied she had no interested in knowing anything about her bio family, had never attempted to look and never would. She said her adopted parents were her only parents as far as she was concerned. After that they never talked about it again. I wonder what makes them have such different opinions? Interestingly enough the man says he wouldn't adopt a child himself, but the woman has expressed interested in adopting a child recently to give their a bio child a siblings. She is no longer fertile and has had several miscarriages attempting to have another child. RTnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-11081479376388835862014-03-03T14:20:38.780-05:002014-03-03T14:20:38.780-05:00@ Julia Emily
I absolutely agree with your views ...@ Julia Emily<br /><br />I absolutely agree with your views about adoption as a social experiment. Only someone with absolutely no understanding of human beings could have ever thought it up.<br /><br />I also share a protectiveness towards my aged parents (though I am not adopted) which means I shield them from many of the deeply painful effects of adoption, even though they are actually responsible for my son being adopted away from our family. <br /><br />So they bobble along in largely ignorant bliss, saying they love me and saying ludicrous things like 'let sleeping dogs lie', while I feel sometimes incapacitated by the weight of grief for my own loss and the losses of my son.<br /><br />I know it's not the same, but I recognise the scenario somewhat. I feel compelled to care for them, feel guilt at the thought of hurting them, but feel crushed by the anguish that has resulted from their failure to help me, their daughter, and my son, their grandson, when we were both very young and needed it.<br /><br />It is very difficult to put your own feelings at the centre of your life. <br />But it's essential sometimes. <br /><br />Not doing so has led to many women losing their children to adoption, and I'm sure many adopted people losing a chance to reunite with their original family.<br /><br />If OBCs weren't sealed, your situation would be very different. I wish I could help you, from here over the Pond. <br /><br />If there is a way, tell me how.Cherrynoreply@blogger.com