tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post3425620086714831546..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Does My Natural Mother Ever Think of Me?Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger60125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-45148319952212414162012-06-29T10:29:33.399-04:002012-06-29T10:29:33.399-04:00COMMENTS CLOSED.COMMENTS CLOSED.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-53461382547446194612011-08-11T11:54:22.453-04:002011-08-11T11:54:22.453-04:00"I am sorry people brought up ridiculous term..."I am sorry people brought up ridiculous terms like "death mother" which was not necessary, but "womb mother" will strike many the wrong way."<br /><br />You missed my point about binary opposition. The commenter wrote that she does not like the term "natural mother" because as an adopter she would then be the OPPOSITE, as in "unnatural mother." My point was to highlight the simplistic logic used in either/or, black vs. white language. This type of over-simplified use of language serves none of us well. <br /><br />And womb mother is simply ridiculous.maybehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07067284504038707207noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-41177062455292440722011-08-09T14:13:11.226-04:002011-08-09T14:13:11.226-04:00"Womb mother" not be a put down? "W..."Womb mother" not be a put down? "Womb mother" is not meant to be nasty? Wow, I'd hate to hear what you would call her if you didn't "love" her. <br /><br />You don't say hold old you are but "chose not to parent" indicates you think we birth/biological mothers had equal choices set out before us. No, many of us were drowning in a sea of shame and poverty; some of us were forced by parents or circumstances to give up our children. <br /><br />What I read in your comment is a great deal of rage, not love, for the woman whose DNA you carry. It reminds me of the woman who uses "maternal source" to refer to herself.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-37175601908425074172011-08-09T12:53:26.224-04:002011-08-09T12:53:26.224-04:00Adopted and Amp,
Unlike many here, I am ok with m...Adopted and Amp,<br /><br />Unlike many here, I am ok with most terms for a mother who gave up a child, natural mother, birthmother, first mother, even bio mother are all OK and mean the same thing to me. But "womb mother" hit me wrong, maybe because I never heard it before, and "womb" sounds archaic,and vaguely religious like "thee and thou". How about "uterus mother" to be biologically correct?:-)<br /><br />Yes, it is all semantics, and I can see by your explanation that you meant no harm, but it is a sort of jarring expression, and does imply a vessel rather than a person. I am sorry people brought up ridiculous terms like "death mother" which was not necessary, but "womb mother" will strike many the wrong way.<br /><br />I personally do not like the word "parenting", as I am not fond of turning nouns to verbs in general. <br />No, I did not raise my son. His adoptive mother did. That is reality, and she was really his psychological mother. But I am also his mother in a very real sense. There is a great deal to genetics....I guess genetic mother would be ok too, but the bottom line for me is that not raising my son does not make me a non-mother or just a vessel or female body part.<br /><br />If "womb mother" works for you, use it, but don't expect it to be universally accepted.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-58152057726565220112011-08-08T16:39:49.335-04:002011-08-08T16:39:49.335-04:00Adopted and amp wrote:"but I also like womb m...Adopted and amp wrote:"but I also like womb mother too. It relates more to the fact that it is really what you are when you choose adoption for your child."<br /><br />OMG, "womb mother", PUHLEEZE. How insulting. Adopted and amp, you have a lot to learn. "Womb mother" refers to a breeder and nothing else. That's why it is so objectionable. Society made my natural mother be a "womb mother" as you call her. She never CHOSE to give me up for adoption, she was forced. You need to read more of these ladies stories to hear what it was really like for the mothers of the BSE and for the most recent mothers who were tricked into open adoptions. I share my first mother's DNA and her ancestry. She was not just some temporary "womb" for me until she could pass me off to strangers. Humph!Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-195515143189629792011-08-08T12:42:13.494-04:002011-08-08T12:42:13.494-04:00To those naysayers of the name womb mother....I do...To those naysayers of the name womb mother....I don't get how horribly upsetting this is to you that you would then judge my ability to parent our child or to question my motives...seriously outrageous and harmful to the psychi.<br />There are sooooooo many names being tossed around as to what to call someone who places a child for adoption. How on earth could the term womb mother be so horrendous!? Because in all actuality that is what you are when you choose adoption. (of course there are sooo many other factors that could come into play-have you birthed other children that you are parenting etc) I am not using the word womb mother as degrading term at all! I love my bio mother/womb mother whoever she is or whereever she is at.....but to me that is what she was to me....she kept me in her womb(didn't choose death for me but life) nutured me(didn't use drugs)and chose not to parent. Those are the facts. Do not patronize the fact that I am adopted and have adopted-that is just downright cruel. To question my ability to parent is ludicrous....talk about anger....wow.<br />And to Maybe....really...death mother? How could you even think that? Because I adopted? I mean seriously...is that how you view those who adopted? You must hate a lot of people in this world huh? I feel so sorry for you.....And no, I'm not saying that those who die before their child is born shouldn't be called a parent. I was making a statement that in my opinion those that don't parent their kids shouln't be called parents....it's all sematics. If you care to enlighten me any further...taking a hateful tone isn't going to work. Does it usually work for you? I just had no idea that the terms womb mother etc would conjur up so much disdain and hate and in turn people would be ok with saying such cruel things.Adopted & Adoptednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-19138349763797252472011-08-05T19:36:25.630-04:002011-08-05T19:36:25.630-04:00Adopted & Amp,
Seriously, "womb mother&q...Adopted & Amp,<br /><br />Seriously, "womb mother" I am surprised that<br />You got to post that here on Firstmothers. <br /><br />I think Maybe really answered you if you must<br />denigrate natural moms in this manner i feel so<br />sorry for you as an adoptee (anger) makes me<br />wonder what your natural mom that was called by<br />your adopter ( thats what they called people who<br />adopted) when I had my son taken on mid sixties<br />called me natural mom. Also, I truly feel sorry for<br />the child you adopted. Not everyone should adopt<br />a child just because they can it proves to me there<br />should be restrictions.<br /><br /><br /><br />taken.Motherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04701407465248392373noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-19832576614896629942011-08-04T15:16:02.719-04:002011-08-04T15:16:02.719-04:00Viktoria wrote: Megan: As I understand it, you fo...Viktoria wrote: Megan: As I understand it, you found your mother after a long search, which MIGHT have been easier if you had your original birth certificate.<br /><br />Actually Viktoria, I found my first parent's name after a short search. And I also quickly had contact information for my mother's relatives. An OBC would not have made any difference in my case.Meganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16524888517035539671noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-13233983540823042422011-08-04T14:02:56.028-04:002011-08-04T14:02:56.028-04:00Megan wrote:"In my situation, an OBC would no...Megan wrote:"In my situation, an OBC would not have helped me find my birth parents."<br /><br />However, many people are not in this situation and without their OBC would not have any information on their first parents at all. And they have just as much right to be able to find their first parents as anyone else.<br /><br />I do not have my OBC and was able to find my n-mother because the attorney came right out and told my APs her name (and he did give her real name). My mother was then willing to tell me my n-father's name. If the attorney had not been willing to tell my APs my first mother's name I would have had a much harder time finding it. Although in my case I still think it would have been possible.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-41514027987190366722011-08-04T12:19:40.600-04:002011-08-04T12:19:40.600-04:00"I have never not known who I was, even befor..."I have never not known who I was, even before I met my first parents. I guess I don't define my identity that way"<br /><br />I can relate to this Megan.Campbellhttp://Campbellscoup.blogger.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-63593166201509889902011-08-03T21:21:59.002-04:002011-08-03T21:21:59.002-04:00Hey Lorraine,
My post apologizing to you for the ...Hey Lorraine,<br /><br />My post apologizing to you for the inadvertent use of my name in place of yours says "Anonymous". I must've not signed my name on the second post. Anyway, Sigh....again my apologies to you. Your post about riding in the Chevy really triggered a memory in me. Thank you for having the courage to share and I'm hoping that this time when I'll remember to sign my name and not "Anonymous". Hoo Boy!Jane Karrnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-32084354400893718932011-08-03T18:18:44.926-04:002011-08-03T18:18:44.926-04:00Megan wrote:"I really liked being unique.&quo...Megan wrote:"I really liked being unique."<br /><br />At one time I told myself that, too. Until I saw a picture of my natural father and saw a male version of my face looking back at me. After seeing my resemblance to other relatives I had the most wonderful feeling of connectedness and belonging. It made me feel less isolated. I loved the feeling of fitting in, of being part of the clan because of my looks, of knowing where I came from. I felt elated.<br /><br />@Kristi,<br /><br />I am so sorry that you don't know anything about your original families. Closed, sealed adoption is so cruel to the child.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-20442873058064174862011-08-03T17:22:37.156-04:002011-08-03T17:22:37.156-04:00Adopted and Amp:
"One should not be named a p...Adopted and Amp:<br />"One should not be named a parent unless they have parented a child."<br /><br />One more scenario:<br />According to your logic, if a man impregnates his wife but gets killed in Afganistan before the child is born, he should not be named as the child's father.Meganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16524888517035539671noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-66948958151747432972011-08-03T17:10:07.603-04:002011-08-03T17:10:07.603-04:00Adopted and Amp:
"One should not be named a p...Adopted and Amp:<br />"One should not be named a parent unless they have parented a child."<br /><br />So...if a woman has a stillbirth, she is not the baby's parent??? <br /><br />And...If a woman dies in childbirth, the child cannot refer to her as his parent???Meganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16524888517035539671noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-73921128010524398132011-08-03T16:24:00.559-04:002011-08-03T16:24:00.559-04:00"Womb mother"....BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
..."Womb mother"....BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! <br /><br />Why not vagina mother, or c!#t mother? If you're going to be insulting it's typically best to go all-in.<br /><br />"I don't like the name natural mother because to me it means someone who has adopted would be deemed un natural"<br /><br />Here's a compromise: I'll let you call me a birth mother if I get to call you a death mother. Or if you prefer that I am a bio-mother, then you are a non-bio, which is essentially a non-human, don't you think? (See, I went all-in).<br /><br />This pattern will fit nicely within your binary opposition of natural vs. unnatural, IMO. <br /><br />(Please realize that the above is snark aimed at yet another adopter who just can't seem to absorb the inherent complexities in adoption. If I had a dollar for every one I encounter I could have attended the Adoptee Rights Demonstration!)maybehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07067284504038707207noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-13017683094224063022011-08-03T15:08:28.045-04:002011-08-03T15:08:28.045-04:00Viktoria,
I love my Mary Kay. I invest quite a bi...Viktoria,<br />I love my Mary Kay. I invest quite a bit in it. I own like 10 different makeup brushes, and love to try out the latest colors. I just don't require mascara because my lashes are sufficiently dark and long. I only use it when I'm going out at night and want to look dramatic. But I know several really blonde people that need it (in our culture) for their professional career. Defining eyes and brows allows someone like my sister (who is a professional lobbyist) to command more of a presence. It sounds like you carry around some mascara envy, just as my sister does.<br /><br />I have no problem with OBCs, for the most part. It's just that the "know who you are" line doesn't strike a chord. These semantics are a turn-off. For me, finding one's natural parents is about strengthening bonds that can be intuitively felt, despite distance and time. It's about forming relationships. It's closing the loop, understanding how other's choices got me where I am today. But I don't particularly relate to "know who you are" verbage.Meganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16524888517035539671noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-49265821444876247502011-08-03T14:44:49.062-04:002011-08-03T14:44:49.062-04:00I'm adopted and have adopted. I prefer using ...I'm adopted and have adopted. I prefer using biological parent when referring to someone who chose adoption for their child.....but I also like womb mother too. It relates more to the fact that it is really what you are when you choose adoption for your child. One should not be named a parent unless they have parented a child.<br />I don't like the name natural mother because to me it means someone who has adopted would be deemed un natural...it doens't sit right with me at all.Adopted & Adoptednoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-41870989135737658112011-08-03T13:45:21.633-04:002011-08-03T13:45:21.633-04:00Megan: As I understand it, you found your mother a...Megan: As I understand it, you found your mother after a long search, which MIGHT have been easier if you had your original birth certificate, or am I wrong? But adoptee rights discussions bore you? Isn't that being more than a bit--I have mine, too bad for you if you don't? I assume you don't do anything for other adoptees who can't find their biological families. <br /><br />BTW, from your last comment I take it you don't like makeup--isn't that just like your birth mother, Jane? <br /><br />No need to put down those of us who like to wear makeup. <br /><br />Call me a mascara-wearing birth-natural motherViktorianoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-57393750256758418192011-08-03T13:44:09.639-04:002011-08-03T13:44:09.639-04:00Megan and I share the inability to remember names ...Megan and I share the inability to remember names and faces, definitely a genetic trait. Physician and author Oliver Sacks has written several books about this condition which he calls visual agnosia: "The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat" and "The Mind's Eye." Sacks has extreme visual agnosia, sometimes not recognizing himself in a mirror. And like me, he lost an eye to cancer.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-53730053978503380982011-08-03T11:30:24.960-04:002011-08-03T11:30:24.960-04:00Robin,
My sister is not too bizaare. She exhibits...Robin,<br />My sister is not too bizaare. She exhibits typical chick behavior -- making comparisons. She has an extremely fair complexion, and needs mascara and eyebrow pencils to function in society. I don't. Her hair is thing and stringy, mine is thick. She struggles to maintain healthy weight, whereas I am lithe and have never dieted. On the flip side, she can go all summer without shaving her legs, but I gross people out if I got 1 week without shaving. It is normal for girls to compare these types of things. <br /><br />Conversely, I have often wanted to have the charm and wit that my father and sister have. After years of reading Dale Carnegie and other books, trying to use formulas to connect with people, I have come to terms with the fact that I am genetically inferior when it comes to cracking jokes or remembering people's faces and names. I just can't intuitively read people the way my A-dad can, and I've always wanted to be like him in that way. But instead I have to use the gifts God has given me, and not worry about what I don't have.<br /><br />Biological siblings have these issues well. One might have a genetic disease and the other one doesn't. One might be too tall, the other too short. But in the case of adoption, there is a scapegoat. One can blame the unfair distribution of desirable traits on the adoption. <br /><br />Kristi, when I read your comments it doesn't ring a bell for me as an adoptee. "The need to know who you are..." I have never not known who I was, even before I met my first parents. I guess I don't define my identity that way. So a lot of these adoptee rights discussions lose my interest.Meganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16524888517035539671noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-6763887356354822012011-08-03T10:01:51.819-04:002011-08-03T10:01:51.819-04:00Thanks for this conversation. I'm an a-mom, a...Thanks for this conversation. I'm an a-mom, and we make it a point to not comment on physical resemblences (trans-racial adoption) and do a lot of supporting of character traits, whether unique or shared within our family. I that some of this is easier because we live 1000 miles away from my (very-patriarchal) family. I was raised with many tales of the great things that (men) in my family had done, and I have not passed these to my girls. They just don't seem relevant. I have declined to take a copy of the large genealogy chart that is posted in my dad and my brothers' homes. Does anyone else have that response to family history?pastapestonoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-37907988493822804922011-08-03T09:15:45.817-04:002011-08-03T09:15:45.817-04:00I like this discussion, as I think it proves that ...I like this discussion, as I think it proves that while not all first mothers, adoptees or aparents feel the same as other members of their "group", as adoptees we do have certain things in common, as we have all lost our rights to know who we are, why we act the way we do, where we come from, how we got home from the hospital (could it have been a Chevy? ;)), where our walk/laugh/nervous tic came from, who we look like (really look like).<br /><br />No one should ever be allowed to take away the basic human right of knowing our identity and our past. As with anyone, our future is our responsibility, but the choices we make along the way certainly formulate that future person. Constant bombardment of false information and disturbing realizations really isn't helpful.<br /><br />That said, I want to say that ocassionally when I comment here I am angry or disturbed about something that was said in a post. Thanks for giving me an outlet for this, as I don't know any of my family, and am, in many ways, just coming to some of these realizations myself. (Lucky you!) ;)Jenniferhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06366141565010190668noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-56968142812781016562011-08-02T22:41:29.094-04:002011-08-02T22:41:29.094-04:00Oh Lorraine!!!
Sorry about that! I was thinkin...Oh Lorraine!!! <br /><br />Sorry about that! I was thinking so much of myself in your position that I typed my own name! That was rude!<br /><br />Sigh......my sincere apologies for that! And you know I proof-read my writing twice and didn't catch it. :-(Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-88867044337031178422011-08-02T19:24:49.420-04:002011-08-02T19:24:49.420-04:00Family resemblances can also be a major issue for ...Family resemblances can also be a major issue for bio children. One of my cousin's daughters (who I really didn't know) was looking at family pictures with me at her grandparents house and there she was: a facial replica of her paternal great-great grandmother. She had often wondered if she was adopted. <br /><br />Genes are marvelously fickle in their arrangements.SameOldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02824386757349786724noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-19693744587714570452011-08-02T17:55:46.791-04:002011-08-02T17:55:46.791-04:00Jane Karr:
That was me, Lorraine, in the two-one...Jane Karr: <br /><br />That was me, Lorraine, in the two-one Chevy.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.com