tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post3457585888236462337..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Mothers take no pride in giving up their babiesLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger139125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-4466167265828254802015-09-22T09:57:30.045-04:002015-09-22T09:57:30.045-04:00Why don't you try ASKING an adopted kid their ...Why don't you try ASKING an adopted kid their opinion on the whole situation hmmm?<br />My parents gave me up and yet they kept my two sisters. When my Birth Parents tried to contact me I said. "You can be someone I am familiar with...but that little strand of DNA don't mean shit." I determine who my family is. And you. You're the one who gave up on your son, You all preach about how fucked up the adoption system was you were dumb enough to get pregnant by an irresponsible man and you're not even the slightest bit thankful other people took him in to raise him?<br />Get over yourself.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00686049814834343764noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-33910864088601336402015-06-08T13:47:12.872-04:002015-06-08T13:47:12.872-04:00Lee, in reading the letter your daughter sent you,...Lee, in reading the letter your daughter sent you, I'm reminded of letters other mothers have shared with us. I'm wondering if there is a template out there which adoption agencies give to adoptees or adoptive parents. Fill in the blanks and send it off. <br /><br />Your daughter's over re-action -- one letter and a Christmas card do not persistence make -- and insistence you agreed to no contact suggests others things going on. She wants to deny she is a bastard, something several adoptees have confided makes them feel ashamed. Wants to deny she is not a "real" member of her adoptive family. Convinced without knowing anything about her natural family that they are low down scum and adoption washed herself clean of them..Afraid contact with you would destroy her relationship with the adoptive family. Fear that it would cost her her inheritance. Afraid to be her own person.<br /><br />I grieve for you and other rejected natural mothers. It's so sad and so unnecessary. Not much you can do now but force yourself to put aside thoughts of her lest they take over too much of your life. Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-53372075881074086492015-06-07T09:59:44.324-04:002015-06-07T09:59:44.324-04:00Thank you Marsha, your experience was also worse t...Thank you Marsha, your experience was also worse than mine, but none of us were treated very well in labor and delivery back in the day. Yes, we did endure and survive, one way or another, and that is worth something. I do not think I could even watch that video, so depressing. I'd rather look forward than back.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-21513997792130825582015-06-07T08:02:46.473-04:002015-06-07T08:02:46.473-04:00Oh Marsha, your experience was so terrible. Mine w...Oh Marsha, your experience was so terrible. Mine was pretty bad but nothing like yours. I can't watch that Four Birthmothers video either without tearing up immediately. Honor yourself for what you went through, and try to find joy in the small moments of life. Make the decision to be happy, or at least at peace. many mental hugs today. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-18703358196265080582015-06-07T07:31:21.618-04:002015-06-07T07:31:21.618-04:00Juliet wrote:"One more thing, I came to this ...Juliet wrote:"One more thing, I came to this blog to talk with birth mothers and gain perspective, not to justify my responses to you."<br /><br />And I have been welcomed at this blog by both Jane and Lorraine and can leave responses to other commenters as I see fit. I do disagree with a lot of what you say and I will continue to put in my two cents when I feel I have a worthwhile pov on a topic. Responding to each other, adding to, agreeing and disagreeing is pretty much what FMF's comment section is all about. It is up to our bloggers to decide whether or not they will publish any comments that are sent to them for moderation. Robinhttp://www.allinthefamilyadoption.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-56994555888383028782015-06-07T05:37:29.625-04:002015-06-07T05:37:29.625-04:00Thanks, but I have visited this site. I have visit...Thanks, but I have visited this site. I have visited dozens of other sites. I have used search angels and petitioned the court. I have done DNA. All in a quest for information that belongs to me, but I am not allowed to have.<br /><br />I do not want a relationship with anyone. I am not going to turn anyone's life upside down, or blackmail anyone. I am not interested in anyone's inheritance. I want to see the documents that outline the beginning of my life. That is all I want. But, it seems, I will eventually die without ever having the chance to see them..<br /><br />If adoption, complete with lies, deceit, manipulation and corruption, had set out to destroy me, it has succeeded. But thanks anyway.Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-2389064257768833172015-06-06T21:57:13.660-04:002015-06-06T21:57:13.660-04:00Lee, my instincts tell me, she is walking the tigh...Lee, my instincts tell me, she is walking the tightrope with her parents due to their divorce. she said she has all the parents she can handle right now. i believe that. i also think that her parents or at least some of them read the letter she wrote before she sent it to you and that is why her verbage about how she is upset with you, without being specific, is so stilted ("you went against the agreement" is very stuffy language imho. also the admission that she was always told she was adopted - another clue imho) she says outright that you are complicating OUR lives - i have to assume, parents, and possibly siblings and who knows who else in the family. she is having difficulty maneuvering stormy weather.<br /><br />she says she is sorry if it hurts your feelings and i take that as a plea to you to be patient. she does not sound like a 'happy' adoptee to me. A happy, healthy adoptee at peace with the decision to never look up her first mom would not mind to talk with you on the phone, since you did contact her, and just say hi, i'm ok, everything worked out, but i've gotta tell ya i'm just not big into being in contact with you at this point in my life. <br /><br />i agree with Juliet's instinct on this point: she may be afraid of discovering how much you could mean to her. that could complicate her life. i'm not crazy about Juliet's description about adoptees in that section but i agree with the point about control, too. but not the punishment. saying no contact is an element of control she has over her whole situation, the situation of how to deal with multiple parents. even if you will not be playing the role of a mother, you are still her parent in her heart. the drive to protect and respect mom (you) could be operating. <br /><br />i remember at one point in my reunion a bio family member mentioned the fact that i was an optional family member. this was news to me.. but i was pretty green to all of it at the time. i realized that my mother and many members of that family thought of building a relationship with me as something optional, bonus, it was their option and right to do so but also to put on hold at any time their lives got too busy. as if that had been the meaning of my adoption, to just make me optional and not like a real member. they seemed surprised when i was a bit upset about that ! and i remember one of them was downright amused that i didn't feel the same way about them, that i didn't see them as optional ! but the point i'm trying to make is, maybe your daughter sees putting you on hold as a legitimate option, due to the nature of your relationship so far. i don't say that to be mean, i'm just exploring. but, i don't think that is the same as trying to punish you. <br /><br />i could be right or wrong about the putting on hold but there could be so many other reasons equally understandable that she could need to put you on hold and to ask you to understand that, and i really read that into her words, but i don't read animosity or the wish to punish you.<br /><br />just my take. good luck i really wish you well and i hope that she will contact you in the future, Lee <3Kaisanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-48824755570056517112015-06-06T18:48:07.178-04:002015-06-06T18:48:07.178-04:00To Robin - it was not my intention to insult you. ...To Robin - it was not my intention to insult you. <br /> Most people say I am very kind and gentle as well. The reality is I am ALMOST as sensitive as you, but I was speaking about me not everyone in general. <br /><br />The "unlovable rage monster" was a description for others to understand that side of us. Don't know if you admit to having that anger, and I am not trying to stereotype everyone as we are all different. One more thing, I came to this blog to talk with birth mothers and gain perspective, not to justify my responses to you. <br /><br />At Lee - I wish I could give you a hug, you hang in there sweetheart. Julietnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-4390309317088182102015-06-06T16:06:55.400-04:002015-06-06T16:06:55.400-04:00Julia Emily:
I have been thinking about you. Did y...Julia Emily:<br />I have been thinking about you. Did you say in another post that you do know your mother's name? I was not adopted (I'm a b-mother), but my family's heritage is a mystery, and my mother had a lot of stories, most of which were not true (she tended to be a fantasist). I knew nothing about my grandparents on either side. Anyway, I often do searches hoping to turn up something and I ran across a website that has US Census records, and found my mother's family when she was a girl. <br />I was able to see the names of her mother & father (which I didn't know), and where they were born (which I didn't know). The census only goes to 1930, but perhaps you can find out about your mother's parents and siblings, and make more progress going around that way in your search. It may not be of much help, but it did help me. My parents were both born in the 'teens and I found both sets of grandparents and siblings! It sounds like your mother would fit into that time-frame.<br /><br />http://us-census.mooseroots.com/<br /><br />their front page has a few samples of what a search would look like. I was able to see the info for free. I imagine for more comprehensive info they must have some payment requirements, but nothing required to read the census ledger, see the names and places of birth for grandparents and my parents' siblings.<br /><br />Hope this can be of some help. Even a little help might be encouraging.new and oldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17362285131091164702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-32650557715133645642015-06-06T15:00:16.192-04:002015-06-06T15:00:16.192-04:00her letter continued:
"Please know that I am ...her letter continued:<br />"Please know that I am truly grateful for that you gave me up for adoption. And I am sure that was never an easy decision for you. However, you made a decision 37 years ago that you were not going to be a mother. You made an agreement that you would not have contact with your birth child. And now you have gone against that agreement. You are really complicating our lives."<br />Me: I did explain to her in my 10-page letter that I NEVER signed any kind of agreement to not search or have contact with my adult child. I told her I could send a copy of this "agreement" to her; I only surrendered my "parental rights" to her.<br />continuing her letter:<br />"I never had any choice in the matter. But now that I am an adult, my decision is to not to have contact with you at this time. I have always been very happy with my parents, and they have always made me feel very special. The adoption was never a secret in our live-I have always known. They were also very instrumental in my knowing about my >>> heritage (I'll leave this blank-to personal). We also went to several >>> festivals throughout my childhood. I plan to visit >>> someday.<br />As I stated in the paragraph above, I do not wish to have contact with you at this time. Perhaps that will change as I get older, or have children of my own. However, I am very fortunate to have wonderful parents, and at this time, I do not wish to have more parents. I am sorry if this hurts your feelings. But please understand that this is my wish. I have never tried to find you because I am very comfortable with who I am, and I have always felt like I have all the information I needed to know about you (except medical). Your letters only made me angry and upset, because you went against the agreement."<br />I did give her medical info in my 10-page letter, plus her birth, etc. BUT I did NOT go against ANY agreement!! Gaah!! <br />So as you can tell - she is a happy adoptee and doesn't need me... maybe some day she will change her mind!<br />Thanks again for your words, JulietLeenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-22547236586037687572015-06-06T14:59:13.565-04:002015-06-06T14:59:13.565-04:00Juliet said above:
Some adoptees are oozing with r...Juliet said above:<br /><i>Some adoptees are oozing with resentment over being placed for adoption. I was for a very long time.<b> I have to assume your daughter's silence is your punishment for her heartache. It is really a test to see if you will still be there when SHE is ready. It's about control. We never had a choice or a chance - but now we do. What she doesn't accept is that maybe you never had a choice or a chance - she can't see that past her resentment. But she will in time.</b><br /><br />Remember that we feel rejected and abandoned by the woman who gave us life. It's a terrible feeling and it makes us rather odd to everyone who knows us. We are not warm and fuzzy, we are cold and rigid "unlovable control freaks". Not capable of bonding or sympathizing with others at times because we are violent rage monsters. Only she can put that to rest not you. <b>You have to wait until she is ready to move on. <br />I will say it again - she is afraid of discovering how much you mean to her.</b> She may never have the personality you want her to have, but she is your child. There is no greater love in this world than the love of a mother, however there is no greater loss either. Her silence is the trauma talking. </i><br /><br />Have to put this letter in context - I had confused my daughter's "step-mother" from her "amom" and I sent a letter to the step-mother first, until I did a deeper search (not me, but a search angel), and then I sent the same (almost!) letter to the a-mom and my daughter - separate letter enclosed for her. I received first a letter from her amom saying "her daughter had received the letter from me and has shared it with her and adad, and it's up to her what happens next. I ask that you giver her some time to process this, as it has disturbed her immensely; and that you will not pursue your search any further until you hear from her." This was in October and hadn't heard anything in December and sent a Christmas card to her mother/dad, just because I thought it would be nice to do that.<br /><br />Here's an excerpt from bdaughter's first letter to me:<br />"This is a very difficult letter to write. I am actually very angry with you for contacting my family so persistently. I did not want to respond to any of your letters, and was hoping that by ignoring them you would leave us alone, but you continued to send letters, and a Christmas card after my mother asked you not to contact us again, so here I am pleading with you to not contact me or ANY of my family again."<br />Me: at the time I had only send the 2 letters (to stepmom & amom & the Christmas card; so I don't "think" that was persistent - ?? anyway...<br /><br />oops - I have to continue on another post, as it says I have to many characters, I think! ?? LOL!Leenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-1206669737082358582015-06-06T14:38:25.746-04:002015-06-06T14:38:25.746-04:00Juliet wrote:" We are not warm and fuzzy, we ...Juliet wrote:" We are not warm and fuzzy, we are cold and rigid "unlovable control freaks". Not capable of bonding or sympathizing with others at times because we are violent rage monsters."<br /><br />Juliet, I am fine with you describing yourself that way, but please do not generalize and say this is the way all adoptees are. People who know me IRL most often describe me as kind and caring. I find it insulting that you stereotype adoptees in such a negative way.Robinhttp://www.allinthefamilyadoption.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-5336274515186743002015-06-06T10:57:03.324-04:002015-06-06T10:57:03.324-04:00Lee - as you know certain life events make you loo...Lee - as you know certain life events make you look at things differently. <br />I honestly don't know what I would have done had I been in your shoes at the time, all I can offer is perspective from this end. <br /><br />A broken heart is a broken heart no matter which end your on. One tries to mend it and the other end is trying to protect it from being broken any further. You and I are both at the mending stage and our "others" are in protective mode. <br /><br />My adoptive parents both died from cancer in 2012 - 94 days apart. Different cancers - but both gone within 6 months of their diagnosis. Talk about heartbroken and alone - wow. My point is - my view of mothers has now changed again. <br /><br />Some adoptees are oozing with resentment over being placed for adoption. I was for a very long time. I have to assume your daughter's silence is your punishment for her heartache. It is really a test to see if you will still be there when SHE is ready. It's about control. We never had a choice or a chance - but now we do. What she doesn't accept is that maybe you never had a choice or a chance - she can't see that past her resentment. But she will in time.<br /> <br />Remember that we feel rejected and abandoned by the woman who gave us life. It's a terrible feeling and it makes us rather odd to everyone who knows us. We are not warm and fuzzy, we are cold and rigid "unlovable control freaks". Not capable of bonding or sympathizing with others at times because we are violent rage monsters. Only she can put that to rest not you. You have to wait until she is ready to move on. <br />I will say it again - she is afraid of discovering how much you mean to her. She may never have the personality you want her to have, but she is your child. There is no greater love in this world than the love of a mother, however there is no greater loss either. Her silence is the trauma talking. Julietnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-83156568789822944082015-06-05T22:55:22.545-04:002015-06-05T22:55:22.545-04:00Dear Cindy, Mary Ann and Heartbroken: One of you r...Dear Cindy, Mary Ann and Heartbroken: One of you remarked that we BSE moms will soon be gone from the face of the earth. I remember being on that delivery table experiencing a precipitous birth and just asking God to let me die, I remember an aide walking by with a needle in her hand and I just grabbed for her and told her I could not stand it any longer, At that point people in the delivery room realized that my baby was being born after only 2 hours so they shoved a gas mask in my face and I thought I was suffocating, After they got through with me they had sewed me up so lopsided I had to sit around for 2 weeks in the Florence Crittenden home with a horrible infection and unrelenting pain, I remember one of the ladies on the "Four Birthmothers" video saying" I have to cherish the memory of that young 16 year old girl who had absolutely nobody to stand up for her, and so now I honor her strength for what she was able to endure", I sob buckets whenever I watch that, we need to honour our souls and beings for what we did endure, we survive through one another's stories."Marshanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-18110004487340601722015-06-05T15:44:43.263-04:002015-06-05T15:44:43.263-04:00Oh I am Juliet - patient! LOL! Shoot - it's ...Oh I am Juliet - patient! LOL! Shoot - it's been 7 years already...<br /><br />and that last line to you should have said - Thank you for your thoughtful words, Juliet! My brain was running ahead of my fingers!Leenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-73301209273205800032015-06-05T15:40:01.784-04:002015-06-05T15:40:01.784-04:00Juliet, you can contact me at an email account tha...Juliet, you can contact me at an email account that i set up just for this purpose:<br />kaisa.jgj at gmail.com. Don't forget the period between the kaisa and the jgj. Look forward to chatting with you ! :)Kaisanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-76544105291010389332015-06-05T08:05:57.401-04:002015-06-05T08:05:57.401-04:00I would love that, thank you.I would love that, thank you.julietnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-79943791369694988022015-06-04T19:56:55.378-04:002015-06-04T19:56:55.378-04:00It is so easy for sending/not sending gifts or car...It is so easy for sending/not sending gifts or cards to devolve into passive/aggressive manipulation in many families, and especially in reunion. From both sides, we tend to read too much into what may be just different attitudes towards holidays and gifts, not a personal affront. Sometimes, as Freud said, "a cigar is just a cigar", not something to read deep arcane hidden meaning into, even in reunion relationships where we are always second guessing what the other person is thinking or feeling and often can't ask.<br /><br />My mom's family was big on birthdays, my dads was not. This was a constant source of friction.I had to explain to the girlfriend of one of my sons that his being quiet and undemonstrative does not mean he does not love her, but that he shows his love in other ways. My husband, like yours,Kaisa, rarely gives gifts to anyone including me, and I have learned to accept that. The kids I raised sometimes send something, sometimes call, sometimes do nothing. I like sending gifts but also prefer to just pick something up I know a friend or family member will like, and always feel pressured at holidays.<br /><br />Mike has sent me some amazing gifts and homemade cards for Christmas, but not every year. The things he has sent are thoughtful and I love them and I know he does not feel he has to do anything, nor do my other kids.I like sending gifts so I do, but hate it when it becomes a chore or obligation. A good thing to remember for anyone in reunion is to never do anything to elicit a response. That is manipulation and easily seen for what it is, and for the most part does not work.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-88343654906743673622015-06-04T19:35:22.457-04:002015-06-04T19:35:22.457-04:00Re. snapping point.
I think adoptees and first mo...Re. snapping point. <br />I think adoptees and first mothers should feel able to snap at some point.<br />It's what enables us to snap back into shape :)<br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-59140027331618065362015-06-04T17:51:49.660-04:002015-06-04T17:51:49.660-04:00Thanks, and you too Juliet ! If you ever wanna com...Thanks, and you too Juliet ! If you ever wanna compare notes and trade emails about this subject just me and you, let me know, i would welcome it. I already type so much here about my situation i feel very indulged - it may not seem like it at times but i do try to keep in mind that this forum is for first mothers and not me personally. So if you wanna chat let me know ! I'm a good listener :)Kaisanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-15882522413477938542015-06-04T17:41:20.500-04:002015-06-04T17:41:20.500-04:00Just to clarify - I'm not trying to give false...Just to clarify - I'm not trying to give false hope. If your afraid of discovering something perhaps you wont try. Not pining away by any means, just always aware of the loss and what it will take to address it. <br />I deeply love my mother, doesn't mean I want to meet her. <br />I did not see Lee's previous comments.Julietnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-61727674086979816772015-06-04T17:27:37.320-04:002015-06-04T17:27:37.320-04:00Hi Kaisa - trying to be honest but it feels like ...Hi Kaisa - trying to be honest but it feels like I'm the only one trying. I guess I just need to talk about it with those who can understand it. <br /><br />I can certainly not bother any of them again if that is their wish, but we live in fairly close proximity so they may see me when they least expect it. And since we know some of the same people - can you imagine if someone else told you about your lost sibling? <br />It is really hard. Not sure what any of them think at this point as there is no communication. <br />Perhaps the women in the family are threatened by other women. Grandfathers and brothers are special. I have an older adopted brother also (1967) who has no interest in searching. Never has. <br />Hope it all works out for you.Julietnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-37209090936948666762015-06-04T16:55:46.143-04:002015-06-04T16:55:46.143-04:00Lee I didn't know, I'm sorry. At least sh...Lee I didn't know, I'm sorry. At least she said she loved you all her life - that is a plus. Be patient. Julietnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-40574206983890925032015-06-04T14:37:44.602-04:002015-06-04T14:37:44.602-04:00On the flip side, I never send cards in the mail a...On the flip side, I never send cards in the mail anymore. I may hand you a card in person in lieu of a gift or with a gift. If I have been on chatty terms with someone, I will send a text or an email to say Happy Birthday or I might send it out of the blue but only if I feel with some certainty that the recipient will not feel compelled to reply, certainly not on a deadline. But I prefer to just call ! I never go fishing. My gift purchasing and sending with adults is random - no matter what i do it will be wrong so I might as well do what I want. If I find something I think is great - then I grab it & send it. If I don't find anything, better luck next holiday. But I prefer to give gifts on non-holidays quite frankly.<br /><br />I feel as adults we shouldn't view gifts & greetings as compulsory, & should be able to enjoy the little surprises along the way - but I know I'm in the minority on this. I figure most adults have plenty of kids to keep track of & don't need to be tracking all of the special days in the lives of every adult they know. So, if my best friend or even my husband forgets the occasion, I'm not keeping score. My husband rarely to never buys me anything & I love it.<br /><br />The only gifts or cards with money I send like clockwork are for the nieces, nephews and godkids, and if I get a reply, great, but usually I'm on the phone within a few days' window of time learning about how their day went anyway. Nowadays with national coverage I figure there is no excuse to wait.<br /><br />I know some of you are thinking who knew this would be Kaisa's snapping point but it really is ! hahahaKaisanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-53035223440902585582015-06-04T14:37:25.362-04:002015-06-04T14:37:25.362-04:00Cards - I hate the fishing. it ruins holidays for ...Cards - I hate the fishing. it ruins holidays for me.<br /><br />Growing up, holidays & birthdays were always about my amother, whatever she wanted. She threw fits & manipulated everyone in our nuclear family and anyone in the larger family that showed up. I couldnt do anything right, buy the right thing or the best thing & of course I never showed the proper gratitude for whatever I got. They are still unpleasant days even though I'm 2000 miles away. Christmas season, forgettaboutit.<br /><br />With my first mother, and father, I started with the cards, as I was young & stupid & good, or trying to be good. Later I moved across the country, I had a job & was making more (any) money & could afford to send flowers for mother's day, I sent my mother a nice bouquet, & never got a response. I spoke with her on the phone a week later, & at the end of the conversation, her having never brought it up, I asked her about the flowers. Did you get them? Did you like them? She said, oh yes, I just figured you assumed that. Well why didn't you say anything about them? Oh holidays & cards & stuff arent important in my family.<br /><br />Bingo ! I'm off the hook. I had never considered such a philosophy. Immediately I bought into it. (I now think that it was complete bs - that the flowers were some sort of trigger for her, but I didn't know that then. She has forgotten all about that philosophy now.)<br /><br />But I live by it. Even now, when a gift or card or email or text or voicemail or FB comment is sent - the clock begins to tick. How long before I reply? it is some sort of test or indication of how I feel. To this I say - BS !<br /><br />If you wanna send something, great. If you wanna know my response, call me !<br />Don't measure the time between the UPS timestamp & my reply - all the while noticing that something stupid that I posted on Facebook has a timestamp in between ! I feel that ALL my parents use this send-and-wait tactic as an attempt to manipulate me & test me & I fail miserably every time. Sometimes on purpose - because I'm so sick of it ! Why don't I call? Because i'm angry that you have had nothing to say to me, too busy to talk when I call, for the past however many weeks, but the instant I get a card in the mail or a gift, I'm supposed to drop everything & get a hold of you ! I don't enjoy being angry, I don't want you to hear it in my voice, but I'm not that good at hiding it. So the delay could be just that - I'm cooling off until I can put on a pretty face & say thank you !! My aparents are experts at sending overtly passively aggressive messages in their cards and gifts so I am usually cooling down from that before I call too - it is a stupid little game but I don't see a way out. I have decided to deal with it the best I can & they can do the same.<br /><br /><br />Kaisanoreply@blogger.com