tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post3883182628946360879..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: A Letter to (Birth) Mothers Who Reject ReunionLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger73125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-1614116539740927232018-06-21T21:11:54.527-04:002018-06-21T21:11:54.527-04:00I am a birth mother who had a reunion of sorts wit...I am a birth mother who had a reunion of sorts with the offering I had relinquished 32 years ago. I had gotten pregnant after getting sterilized...rare but it happens. I only wanted one child and back then my marriage was shaky and I feared becoming a lone parent. To "save" the marriage, we relinquished. Of course the divorce happened anyway. Anyway, 10 years ago the young man I had relinquished contacted me. I was open to meeting. However his adoptive mother started getting insecure and jealous and began doing what now would be considered cyberstalking. I heard less and less from him and far too much from her. She kept insisting and real time reunion take place under her roof. I felt she was using this as a power play. She would make remarks about women "give their babies away" and I'd always end up in tears. She started stepping up the personal criticisms with each phone call and email Anyway one day she took offense at a political FB post I made and write me an email accusing me "attacking" and judging. By that time I had enough. I told her to cease contact and cancelled the reunion. I wrote my bio son and told him what she was doing. I told him I'm still open to meeting but not if the adoptive mother was going to be there. I just wasn't up to her controlling and judgements. Well, who know what she said to him but he took her side and said I was making it up about how she was treating me. He told me he regretted looking me up and he also questioned some choices I made. My thought is this: if an adoptee is looking to make contact only to judge and put down the first mom or the adoptive mother is trying set up first mom to look bad so she can seem like the "better" parent, then don't bother contacting. It sucks all the way around and first mothers do not have to take that kind of crap from anyone. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-43974640122922886762017-05-26T21:04:04.331-04:002017-05-26T21:04:04.331-04:00It's odd to hear from the mother's perspec...It's odd to hear from the mother's perspective. My reunion was a bit different. We instantly clicked and for 5 years we were inseparable. There was conflict with the rest of the family and I. They never quite accepted me, and never acknowledged my pain. There were issues with money, and other things. It was all rainbows and unicorns and "everything is fine " is there motto. I always stood up for myself and they didn't like that. After 5 years I was rejected by my mother and consequently the rest of them, aside from my birth sister. And, the strangest thing of all? The conflict leading to my rejection, was a batch of homemade soap i had made with my birthmother. How stupid is that. My aunt never accepted me into the family, as my birth mother basically raised her, and it appeared like I had taken her place in the family. Jealousy corrupts and clouds. Manipulation abounds. The rest doesn't matter anymore. <br /><br /> This has been the hardest 2 years of my life. I am in therapy and dealing. I'm surprised I am writing with out crying right now. Indeed I feel nothing for her who gave me birth. I never want to be around my relatives again. Yet, if she wanted to talk to me, I would listen. I believe what I truly want is a genuine apology. And, as she is a schitzophrenic and has little touch with reality, it is likely to remain unresolved. It is sad that birth mother's go through what they do, the damage done to the kids is in some cases irreparable. I take all sorts of supplements and herbs every day to keep myself level. I have a wonderful husband who also keeps me going. My adoptive family is great. I do feel disconnected though since I am not blood, though they've never treated me different than the other kids. Anyways. Not sure why I am writing this, other than it is therapeutic to get your story out there sometimes. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-7564731013814607942015-03-01T08:44:34.467-05:002015-03-01T08:44:34.467-05:00Oh, Dawn, that is so sad. We know this happens, an...Oh, Dawn, that is so sad. We know this happens, and every time I hear such a story I want to do something--call her up, take her to you, listen to her fears. But every one has to find the courage to do the right thing in their own being. The shame of the past, the bad advice of society and social workers who told mothers they should make their lives without the lost child in it, that they had to think of the child as "dead,"--all did their damage, and unfortunately the children bear the brunt of the damage. <br /><br />I can understand how devastated you feel; but her lack of response has everything to do with dealing with the secret of her life becoming undone, and is not a rejection of you, the person. But as I write that, I can see how that might feel, because you are the individual she is, with her non-response. <br /><br />As for her other children, they are your siblings, and what you choose to do is your own decision. I believe that the intermediary, however good the person may be, does leave the path open for mothers to act like this, and vice versa. While I am writing to you, I am also counseling a friend whose adult daughter is rejecting her. <br /><br />My good wishes that your mother can find in herself the courage to meet you. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-49950915239983918352015-03-01T00:50:49.578-05:002015-03-01T00:50:49.578-05:00I am happy to have stumbled onto this forum. I fou...I am happy to have stumbled onto this forum. I found my birth mom through a DNA match on 23andMe. The match was to her brother and through some digging I found her. Worked with a local adoption counselor in Seattle and he was my intermediary to her. A year ago he spoke to her on the phone and she was, of course, shocked and disbelieving, but eventually agreed to receive my letter and photos. He called the next day to verify she got them and her husband answered and said she needed more time to process this. Since then absolutely no response. Adoption counselor called and left multiple messages, mailed the letter to her, as well as myself mailing a letter via a friend in Texas (fmother lives in Louisiana) just in case someone was discarding mail from Seattle. Still nothing. I have absolutely never felt rejected in all of my life until now. I was very open in my letter that I would respect any answer (yes,no or not sure) on whether she wanted to meet. But the lack of any answer has me bewildered and hurt. I am 50 years old. I expected an adult to be able to at least respond and not leave me hanging. I am choosing not to reach out to her brother or her 2 daughters, both of whom I have found on FB. I am at a loss on what to do next aside from praying that she be relieved of any guilt or shame she may still be experiencing. Dawnnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-85338678909817208822014-11-05T15:21:05.234-05:002014-11-05T15:21:05.234-05:00Beautiful letter. Wish my first mother could hear ...Beautiful letter. Wish my first mother could hear its message. She has refused all contact. I've even been told she refuses to know anything about me or even look at a picture of me. It's amazing how we can let the past hold so much power over us. Base on my purported story, birth father was married with two sons and my first mother's college professor plus my first mother's father had just started work at the same university in a prestigious position, I can understand where her anxiety comes from. But my grandparents are passed away, so what is the point to hanging on the past.Richardhttps://facebook.com/richard.weiss.5602noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-46481128257295219512011-11-25T08:56:15.983-05:002011-11-25T08:56:15.983-05:00d28Bob: You are right, you are the healthy one. ...d28Bob: You are right, you are the healthy one. You've tried; I don't understand the hard-headed families/parents who reject the other. It's all you say plus the embarrassment of living a lie for so long. And yes, the spouses of the birth parents also. They wield a lot of power.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-2446776356798151222011-11-24T14:19:16.882-05:002011-11-24T14:19:16.882-05:00Ms Marginalia, I feel EXACTLY like you. Today (Tha...Ms Marginalia, I feel EXACTLY like you. Today (Thanksgiving day) I feel like a stranger looking through the windows at families inside laughing and eating.<br /><br />Therapy and Triad groups have helped me a lot. Would that the rest of my birth family would do the same! I would still like to know the story, because it's MY story. So I look at my own family, my children and granddaughter, and realize I am the healthy one, they are the dysfunctional ones. I pity them, trapped in their fears and lies.<br /><br />Lorraine, I suspect that for many birth parents who refuse contact that they thought time would weaken their feelings, and are astounded to find that the fear, the panic, the helplessness returns like PTSD, in all its ugly strength. Their adrenaline dumps, the "flight or fight" response triggers, and they interpret this powerful feeling as anger, as fear, as a terrifying return to not being able to master their own feelings. Anger is only as strong as the bond we have with those we have feelings about. No bond, no real anger- we are most hurt by those we have the most love for!<br /><br />As adoptees, we are forever (as the British say) "between two stools." We are grafted onto our adoptive family, and cling to that bond, weak as it is, because it's the one we know. We reach out to our original families, but hesitate to let go of the family we know even if it is not a good one (and even if it is good.) We try the impossible, to be an integral part of two families, and society gives us little guidance or encouragement. <br /><br />So we in the bastard brotherhood stumble our way past the barriers that trip us up, falling frequently but trying to reach out and make it to the other side. It sure helps when someone extends a hand to us, but we've learned through our lives that we can trust no one but ourselves. Being an adoptee means we are imperfect, but at least we are aware of our handicap; we look at our birth families and know they, too, are emotional walking wounded but they continue to deny it...d28bobhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05866860173755756630noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-34540203423092338372011-11-24T13:57:23.632-05:002011-11-24T13:57:23.632-05:00Struggling Fulcrum, perhaps I can enlighten you as...Struggling Fulcrum, perhaps I can enlighten you as to what your natural daughter felt.<br /><br />I found my first mother six years ago. She has never replied to a letter, card, flowers, photos I send several times each year. I spoke with her once on the phone for less than a minute before she got angry and ended the call. She resented me "intruding" into her life and family.<br /><br />How did that make an adoptee feel? Like a worthless piece of dung. I wasn't asking to be invited to Thanksgiving dinner or be mentioned in her will, I simply wanted to be acknowledged as a human being, one who is biologically related to other human beings.<br /><br />She never told her other children about me. I found that my half sister died just weeks before I found her. And my first mother apparently is so insecure about her relationship with my half brother who she never told me about that I've only sent him one email with no reply. <br /><br />I then found my birth father. He, too, refused to speak to me or meet. He had never told his wife or other children. My half sister on that side had also died. My half brother on that side takes his cue from his father, for fear of enraging my BF's wife (who is a real piece of work.)<br /><br />So as an adoptee, there is a lot of anger being related but refused. Your daughter has a lot of that anger - we all do! She lied to you? How f*cking unfair- after all, her life has been nothing but a lie.<br /><br />I'm basically told by both sides of my adoptive family that I don't count, that I'm not worthy to associate with my legitimate siblings. Think that doesn't smart? Your daughter pushed for change in the family wall and your wife and you resent it? Well if she hadn't, NOTHING would have happened it's pretty plain to see. She pushed because you were so fearful of your happy little world. <br /><br />I've made only one attempt at contacting each living sibling. I won't pester them. I send an appropriate card to each living parent occasionally. I don't try to wreck their happy little worlds, but I (like Marginalia) will be damned if I'll hide in the wings just to make the lies of their lives easier for them. And yes, I will be there for their funerals, family be damned.d28bobhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05866860173755756630noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-77407458947344911092011-11-23T08:07:38.675-05:002011-11-23T08:07:38.675-05:00Beemommy wrote:" I have a friend who found ou...Beemommy wrote:" I have a friend who found out she was adopted at 35 and the fallout of that took years to begin to deal with."<br /><br />Thank you for responding Beemommy. I just wanted to point out that I was not referring to NOT telling the child that s/he is adopted. I think all children have the right to know they are adopted and to know who their first parents/families are. Just speaking for myself, I would have preferred to only be a member of my a-family until age 18 if my first mother was going to repeatedly hurt me by showing that she was not that interested in being a part of my life and for other reasons.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-34379746834839475952011-11-22T18:10:01.017-05:002011-11-22T18:10:01.017-05:00Thank you ladies so much for responding. I do thin...Thank you ladies so much for responding. I do think in the case of Hannah's fmom, she is just not very maternal. Her first daughter was raised by her first husband. About a year and a half after Hannah's birth, the brother was put in foster care (I wish we had known, this information was not shared with us until several months later when I wanted to get the three children together...we would have done whatever was necessary to get permission to foster him while they worked on their problems)for eighteen months and then his dad had him. She has a great many issues due to her own growing up in a dysfunctional family. @ Robyn, from the moment we decided to pursue adoption, I knew I wanted it to be open. I have a friend who found out she was adopted at 35 and the fallout of that took years to begin to deal with. I hated the secrecy and was determined not to continue with that idea. I also knew that adoption involves loss, loss for Hannah of being raised in her biological family, loss for her first parents in not getting the blessing of watching her grow on a daily basis. Again, thank you for your responses. I hope someday Hannah and her first family are truly reunited and they can experience the wonder that is her. (Not that it's all sweetness and light...she is a teenager after all.)beemommyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08938594411342422060noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-80807442891493242502011-11-22T12:37:29.660-05:002011-11-22T12:37:29.660-05:00It would be interesting to hear from adoptees who ...It would be interesting to hear from adoptees who were in open or semi-open adoptions. Since this started some time in the 80s there should be a fair number who are adults now. Most of the adoptees who comment here were born during the BSE.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-42790125199187529722011-11-22T11:38:00.435-05:002011-11-22T11:38:00.435-05:00There are all kinds of people--not all adoptive pa...There are all kinds of people--not all adoptive parents are the grasping kind who want their kids to be something they are not, and birth mothers who for whatever reason walk away from their children for good. It happens, and we can't fathom the reasons. Periodically we hear from adoptive parents who very much want the first mother to stay in contact...and she does not. <br /><br />Neither adoption is perfect; abuses in both. Hurt in both. So we have to take the greater good over the abuses and problems that will arise. Though it has to be hard, I can't help but believe that an open adoption is better for MOST first mothers and MOST adoptees.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-56129056128981600392011-11-22T06:24:43.909-05:002011-11-22T06:24:43.909-05:00Beemommy's comment (9:38) is the reason I am n...Beemommy's comment (9:38) is the reason I am not a big fan of open adoption. It does more damage to the child knowing that the first mother could be in touch and chooses not to than for those of us who knew our fmothers didn't even have the option. First the adoptee has to deal with being given up and then is reminded that s/he is not an important part of the first mother's life.<br /><br /><br />Jane wrote that many fmothers discontinue contact because it is too painful which is probably true in some cases. However, from Beemommy's comment it sounds like this first mother is not just not that interested in her daughter.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-4559869433640014742011-11-21T21:58:11.702-05:002011-11-21T21:58:11.702-05:00beemommy, we welcome comments from adoptive parent...beemommy, we welcome comments from adoptive parents. I'm sorry your daughter's mother has ended contact. I can only guess at the reasons. Some first mothers end contact because they find it too painful. They may not realize how hurtful it is to their surrendered child. Some first mothers feel they are "in the way" and don't want to interfere with the adoptive family. In these cases, I believe that the adoption agency or practitioner did a poor job of counseling the birth parents.<br /><br />Just as we urge first mothers to respond positively to contact with their adult surrendered children, we urge first mothers to maintain contact with their surrendered child.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-17464755924575093602011-11-21T21:38:51.514-05:002011-11-21T21:38:51.514-05:00What about first mothers who fade away? I worked l...What about first mothers who fade away? I worked like heck to keep contact ongoing. Our youngest daughter has a full brother with her first family. I never wanted to separate siblings but the first mom was determined that either they (she and her husband) placed the baby or she was leaving him with a one year old and a newborn. My daughter (now 16) would really like to have contact with her brother but we don't know where they are. (I've asked relatives and they aren't comfortable giving out that info, which I respect.) After working on a compilation video of Hannah's first year, I was told by her first mom that,"Well, it was kind of boring." I do keep up with the paternal grandmother and maternal grandfather by sending photos/dvd etc. I know it's not the same for them, it can't be. I wish my daughter could really know ALL of her family. Sorry if this seems rambling. I guess I'm hurt on my daughter's behalf. I've thought many, many times over the last 13 years (since last time we saw her) how much I wish she were an integral part of Hannah's life. I wish her fmom had the attitude of many of you. I, however, will be eternally grateful to have this precious, silly, smart, sarcastic, happy-hugger in my life. Hope it's not a problem that an amom wrote here.beemommyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08938594411342422060noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-28322468176268707842011-11-18T22:16:36.630-05:002011-11-18T22:16:36.630-05:00There seems to have been some confusion, there are...There seems to have been some confusion, there are two jenns posting, the Jenn who first responded was me (biracial) the second Jenn is from Lost daughters. just clearing it up as she thought that I was trying to be her, (her comments link to her pages) but it was just a mistake with so many Jenns that Lorraine and SF thought that I was herJennhttp://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=518082724&ref=tn_tnmnnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-36373753053285600992011-11-18T16:39:35.025-05:002011-11-18T16:39:35.025-05:00Lorraine wrote to Struggling Fulcrum: " Perha...Lorraine wrote to Struggling Fulcrum: " Perhaps talking to a therapist might help your wife come to accept her responsibility to her daughter, now grown, but who still has needs."<br /><br />I would be very careful about which therapist you choose and recommend interviewing several. I'm sure there are plenty of therapists who are highly entrenched in the Pertman-esque view of adoption. The wrong therapist could do more harm than good.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-43451981450864065832011-11-16T12:13:10.652-05:002011-11-16T12:13:10.652-05:00Quoting ms. marginalia
"Oops, I meant "a...Quoting ms. marginalia<br />"Oops, I meant "amom" but my iPhone changed it to "ammo" and I didn't notice. She is very nice, not ordnance."<br /><br />Thanks for posting that - sometimes the comments seem like ordnance and are in need of a little comic relief!maybehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07067284504038707207noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-42933021456494986832011-11-15T17:09:11.914-05:002011-11-15T17:09:11.914-05:00Robin,
I also support adoptee access to their own...Robin,<br /><br />I also support adoptee access to their own OBC. That is a legal right that has been denied to adopted adults and that is shameful, and easily corrected by law. It is a simple thing, if only more legislators could be convinced of that.<br /><br />I am in favor of reunion too, and of giving adoptees all the information they want about the natural family, including names and addresses of everyone. In most cases it should be up to the adoptee to contact other relatives or not, but it is not right to keep the adoptee a secret from other family members. It is decent and kind for the natural parents to include the adoptee in family events, if the adoptee wants to be included. But it is not something anyone is "entitled" to, unlike information. I think it is reasonable for adoptees to contact siblings or other family after giving the mother some time to tell them herself. No, you should not have to wait forever, but waiting a year or two seems reasonable.<br /><br />What I do not think of in terms of "rights" or "entitlement" is relationship. A relationship takes two to want it, and that is outside the legal realm of rights. It is something individuals have to work out between each other.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-22967095663617316892011-11-15T16:59:18.115-05:002011-11-15T16:59:18.115-05:00Megan,
Your'e right it is part of the grieving...Megan,<br />Your'e right it is part of the grieving process. But after accepting that we can't go back we need to set our sights on going forward.Janetnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-4142753949326929742011-11-15T16:51:27.081-05:002011-11-15T16:51:27.081-05:00Robin,
Thanks for your kind words. Many of your p...Robin, <br />Thanks for your kind words. Many of your posts here have helped me in my developing relationship with my daughter. The two of you seem much alike.<br /><br />You have every right to know your original family and so do all adoptees.<br />Of course it doesn't always happen that way and we can never have the relationship we would have had if she had not been reinquished. As adults we both realize that but refuse to ever be seperated or silenced again. She is not a baby but she is my baby. We can love each other. hold each other, laugh and cry together and grow togehter. My whole family has welcomed her with open arms. Several of them have also met her adopted mother. We are determined to make this work. It has been six years and only gets better.Janetnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-85462262123829440202011-11-15T16:34:47.905-05:002011-11-15T16:34:47.905-05:00Oops, I meant "amom" but my iPhone chang...Oops, I meant "amom" but my iPhone changed it to "ammo" and I didn't notice. She is very nice, not ordnance.ms. marginaliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03854609171313401651noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-35449182319304488482011-11-15T16:08:50.007-05:002011-11-15T16:08:50.007-05:00I agree that friendship is probably the best way t...I agree that friendship is probably the best way to approach a relationship with anyone in our first families. I know I love to think of my brother as my brother--and he is--but we do not have the same history that siblings raised together share. While we love each other, we agreed this summer to stop mourning what we don't have and focus on a friendship with our adult selves. It has been great in taking pressure off. <br /><br />Same with my mother. She said a year ago she wanted to think of me as a nice woman she had met in the grocery store and wanted to take her time to get to know. I could have been huffy about it, but I respected her need for time. She hadn't expected me to find her or want contact. Now we are great friends and can explore deeper things. <br /><br />I can tell her things I would not tell my ammo because she is a friend, not a parent. I like that. <br /><br />She is also respectful, and understands how adoptees should not be secrets.ms. marginaliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03854609171313401651noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-1598253241031087462011-11-15T15:58:02.895-05:002011-11-15T15:58:02.895-05:00Maryanne wrote:"Robin wrote:t "your reli...Maryanne wrote:"Robin wrote:t "your relinquished daughter has a right to the life that was hers by birth."<br /><br />The sad truth is, that life is gone, it did not happen and nobody can restore it, much as they might wish to."<br /><br />You missed my point. I was not saying that anyone can push the rewind button and go back as if the relinquishment never took place. That is not implied by my comment or the comments made by Janet that I was referring to.<br /><br />The point is that Janet is acknowledging that her daughter is a part of the family. Her willingness to let her daughter into her life and try to build a relationship now is commendable. Those first parents who reject reunion and who will not even provide any information on what is also a part of the child's life are cruel.<br /><br />I do believe that I have the right to know who my parents are, my grandparents and my extended family and my history. I am a member of my original family and this is what I meant by my life by birth.<br /><br />We adoptees did not ask to be ousted from our families and the entire loss of our blood kin on both sides is not something we should have to accept. Obviously, we cannot return to being raised by them but we can certainly be allowed to know who they are, have our questions answered and hopefully even build a relationship now.<br /><br />This is why I support access to OBCs and search and reunion. I also think that first parents have a right to know their surrendered children as well.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-12848285118159359712011-11-15T15:03:50.164-05:002011-11-15T15:03:50.164-05:00Maryanne wrote. "But that does not mean we sh...Maryanne wrote. "But that does not mean we should not try for the kind of connections we can make, bruised and broken, not perfect perhaps but valued and real in their own way."<br /><br />It seems almost fortuitous that I just heard this quote from Michael J. Fox, "Excellence I can reach for. Perfection is God's business." <br />It struck a chord.HeavenstoBetsynoreply@blogger.com