tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post4177394368244156171..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: NBC's This Is Us tackles foster care and a mother who returns to claim her daughterLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-54595760120596930302018-06-14T22:32:31.077-04:002018-06-14T22:32:31.077-04:00More propaganda - and just enough of a change from...More propaganda - and just enough of a change from the usual that people think it is "realistic". <br /><br />I like This is Us. The writing is very good at evoking the emotions wanted. But, let's start with the portrayal of adoption. <br /><br />1. Randall is abandoned at the hospital, supposedly by either the dead or soon to be dead drug addicted slut or her ne'erdowell partner and father of the baby. It is first said that there is nothing known about the parents, then the father is recognized outside the hospital - but there is no contact. So, how did the adoptive mother "find" him whenever she wanted to? The writers flub this over and we accept it, but it is the first place where stereotypes are used. <br /><br /><br />2. The adoption of black babies by white people was not accepted or common or desired in the 1980s. There is a lot of writing in the adoption industry about marketing international adoption to prospective adopters with the dearth of healthy white infants available for adoption. In the 80s, nobody would have wanted the black baby of a drug addict. Even writing the stereotype to criticize it grits my teeth together. Furthermore, baby Randall wouldn't have just been sent home with the first couple that wanted him. Even if we assume all of the other stereotypes of abandoned druggie baby. Randall would have first gone into foster care with already approved foster parents. Getting approved as a foster parent takes months. Nor, would parents already grieving the loss of a child during childbirth and adjusting to twins be in any emotional shape to take on an unrelated infant. So much for realism. <br /><br />The writing and acting is so good in This is Us that it is all too easy to respond emotionally rather than critically. <br /><br /><br />Then there is the issue of Deja and yet another druggie mother. The show makes it clear that Deja would be better off with the nice, rich people - especially when one of them is a grateful black adoptee - and while we are on that subject - as unrealistic as it is for the time period - I wonder just how many "grateful black adoptees" there are who are the result of the push for white people to 'settle' for infants of color both domestically and internationally? First I wonder how many their are because it is near impossible to get reliable adoption statistics. <br /><br />The one realistic thing that was portrayed was the adoptive mother. First, realizing that she was having trouble bonding with the foundling that was miraculously just sent home from the hospital with them, and caring for three newborns and grieving the child she lost and then doing the magical thinking that she was somehow more bonded to the foundling and deliberately gave him more attention and then, then, after all of this uncomfortable emotional stuff, she denied the poor child the right to know his father until her contractual expectations had been fulfilled. Though again, there is stuff that took place off screen about "finding" the father of a supposedly abandoned baby. Did the hospital know who the father was all the time? Was a birth certificate form filled out? Did the father relinquish parental rights? <br /><br /><br />So, while I respond emotionally to This is Us, I can't quite completely lose my critical faculties. <br />Anastasianoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-89652338528223828402018-06-04T17:48:22.042-04:002018-06-04T17:48:22.042-04:00We LOVE This is Us and continually applaud the dep...We LOVE This is Us and continually applaud the depth of their treatment of adoption as well as many other aspects of real life. Can't wait for the third season. This show debuted just as I began the search for my own birth parents, in an attempt to solve the mystery of my doorstep beginnings. DNA lead me to both birthmother and birthfather, and the unraveling of a fifty-plus-year mystery. Beth Steuryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06834351845112855286noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-31606213749963123892017-12-22T08:21:18.333-05:002017-12-22T08:21:18.333-05:00Thanks Lo and Tiffany.
I did, and do, find it har...Thanks Lo and Tiffany.<br /><br />I did, and do, find it hard to speak out, and during that conversation my insides were on fire.<br />But I've seen how others in adoption pain have spoken out, and that has given me the strength to do so too.<br /><br />I also really try to accompany someone if they are speaking out about adoption online in a comments section with the general public. I don't want that person talking about some of the experiences of adoption to feel alone or like an outlier. <br /><br />I do think questioning adoption's manmade uber-lustre is even more effective if those questions come from people with a variety of adoption perspectives. Cherryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07876862640326469175noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-71297618668105941662017-12-21T19:21:23.606-05:002017-12-21T19:21:23.606-05:00Cherry, I have had people say to me about my daugh...Cherry, I have had people say to me about my daughter "Oh, she's so lucky you adopted her!" or "She's so lucky to have you!" When I straight out ask "Why?" they stumble around, bringing up things like how we travel a lot or how I'm a good mom or the best one "well, because, I mean, well... well, BECAUSE." The truth is that they don't know. They don't know her other parents, and they don't know she is actually better off with me. She wasn't an abused child. Her parents are lovely people.<br /><br />The more we together challenge the societal norms around adoption, the more we will be able to change the causes that are not just like young mothers or cultural norms around unwed mothers. Of course the abused child deserves a safe and loving home. Of course. Doesn't that go without saying? The abused adopted children deserved a good home, too, and luck was not on their side because lucky has nothing to do with adoption.<br /><br />Good for you for saying something. That takes a lot of courage.Tiffanynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-8750249771029992182017-12-21T18:06:02.778-05:002017-12-21T18:06:02.778-05:00Amen, Cherry, to the repetition idea! People do ho...Amen, Cherry, to the repetition idea! People do hold onto their rosy views and when you a birth mother comes along as a singlet, they tend to dismiss you as an outlier. I know this from personal experience. So the more people voicing dissatisfaction with adoption the better. <br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-42471876594449660372017-12-21T15:16:01.408-05:002017-12-21T15:16:01.408-05:00Thanks Kitta!
Lo, the reaction was of utter surp...Thanks Kitta! <br /><br />Lo, the reaction was of utter surprise and shock. The idea that adoption might not be beautiful or a saviour had never ever entered their minds. That was the good thing about me speaking out. <br /><br />Someone brought up 'the abused child that needs adopting' which always diverts attention away from the fact that so much adoption is underpinned by inequality and that many families, like mine, were torn apart because the mother was not approved of, being too young or unmarried or poor etc.<br /><br />I also brought up the fact that many adoptees have said that it causes them profound pain, being given up by their mother, their family.<br />That made the biggest impact - the sudden realisation that that little child, that unique human, might be affected and actually feel something about being given up by their family.<br /><br />I do think that people hold onto their views despite them being challenged, but I also think repetition is a very effective tool for repeatedly introducing new thoughts. It worked on me when I first encountered the views of adoptees. <br /><br />Cherrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-1828915736928686022017-12-19T21:29:46.987-05:002017-12-19T21:29:46.987-05:00Good for you, Cherry!!Good for you, Cherry!!kittanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-27010356360035141122017-12-19T16:23:54.666-05:002017-12-19T16:23:54.666-05:00Glad you did too, Cherry. What I see as the good t...Glad you did too, Cherry. What I see as the good thing from the show is the discussion it leads to so that the woman asked you what you thought about it --expecting something quite different I expect--and you told her. However, sorry to hear that Lion made her want to adopt. People have such a rose-colored view of adoption it seems like no matter what they "hear," they don't really hear. <br /><br />How did the woman react to what you responded to her? Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-78802298038886361822017-12-19T11:14:39.641-05:002017-12-19T11:14:39.641-05:00At work today, my manager (who wants to adopt) sai...At work today, my manager (who wants to adopt) said she watched 'This Is Us' with a smile on her face throughout. I haven't seen it yet. (She also said she watched 'Lion' and it made her want to adopt even more.)<br /><br />During a general discussion about the latter film, she asked me directly what I thought about adoption. My usual avoidance technique evaporated instantaneously. I said that I personally didn't agree with it; that my famiy has been ravaged by it; that adoptees lose so much as a result of the process; that the whole institution is underpinned by an imbalance of power; and that I thought it was up to the individual in question, once adult, to decide if they want to be adopted or not - that such enormous decisions should not be made by anyone else but the person themself. <br />I don't discuss my situation at work, as people there are simply acquaintances, not friends, so all this came as an unexpected blast! Said by someone clearly trying to contain Vesuvius. Glad I said it though.<br /><br />Cherryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07876862640326469175noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-30830311303757673902017-12-15T15:42:03.952-05:002017-12-15T15:42:03.952-05:00Folks, let's end this debate over Rebecca, who...Folks, let's end this debate over Rebecca, who seems never to have returned, here. Okay?<br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-66715850071629319462017-12-15T13:20:09.380-05:002017-12-15T13:20:09.380-05:00I am also not concerned with making sure Rebecca f...I am also not concerned with making sure Rebecca feels fine, or making sure that everything is just right so that education can be undertaken. Not my purpose for being here. Cherryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07876862640326469175noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-84076147774190478742017-12-15T13:12:40.220-05:002017-12-15T13:12:40.220-05:00I think that what Rebecca was saying was really na...I think that what Rebecca was saying was really nasty. Subtle but nasty. <br />I also think you try to police what others say.Cherryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07876862640326469175noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-70466260729440606982017-12-14T10:53:06.908-05:002017-12-14T10:53:06.908-05:00Cherry, I think the way you treated Rebecca was re...Cherry, I think the way you treated Rebecca was really nasty. As a result, she may not come back (although I hope she will) - as it is much easier to disappear and write us off at FMF, rather than waste time responding to accusatory, presumptive and personal attacks. <br /><br />I don't have any power to stop you to stop you from expressing yourself, nor do I want to. It's good that you do what you think is best - which is what anyone should do. new and oldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17362285131091164702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-14929697054694523292017-12-14T09:42:58.687-05:002017-12-14T09:42:58.687-05:00Good you cleared that up. I was definitely confuse...Good you cleared that up. I was definitely confused!Cherryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07876862640326469175noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-47766610979581096192017-12-13T15:32:02.023-05:002017-12-13T15:32:02.023-05:00Welcome other Robin,
I wanted to point out to rea...Welcome other Robin,<br /><br />I wanted to point out to readers, in case anyone was confused, that there are now two adoptees named Robin commenting at FMF. I am the Robin who has been a long time commenter here. I will start adding AITFOA after my name so readers can distinguish between us.<br /><br />While we have similar views on adoption and it appears we are both the only adoptee in the family with bio-kid siblings, there are also a number of differences in our stories. I am not divorced from the father of a 40-something year old child, and I do not have still married APs who abused alcohol. My APs have been divorced since I was a toddler and neither use alcohol.Robin (AITFOA)http://www.allinthefamilyadoption.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-36594000163922372122017-12-11T18:46:01.015-05:002017-12-11T18:46:01.015-05:00"Raising a child is difficult enough and duri..."Raising a child is difficult enough and during turbulent teen and young adult years, consistency can be critical. It's an issue that has severe ramifications in divorce as well."<br /><br />Sometimes this is indeed true. When adults are not able to behave like adult, and there is demeaning of one parent by the other, or open hostilities, this can be true, certainly. Are you familiar with the many cases of divorce where the kids grow up just fine? Even speaking anecdotally, the vast majority of people I knew who grew up with divorced parents turned out perfectly fine at the end of the day. So many people get divorced. If this really was the overall case, we would have many more messed up people walking around than we do now. What is usually more likely is a far more nuanced home situation than simply "divorced parents." There are other contributing factors.<br /><br />"The reason many adoptive parents do not want the birth parents in the picture because of the complications it can bring." When you sign up to be a parent, you sign up for complications. That's the way it goes. Here is what is interesting: in the post, Lorraine is not discussing a fictional situation wherein contact was repeatedly attempted, and it just got far too complicated for the child and was causing the child stress and issues. The fictional situation was an immediate "you didn't do it right this one time, so we are done!" That speaks far more to Randall's insecurities than it does to the health and well-being of the child. Your statement is interesting to me in that context, because it is defensive of the rights of APs to cut off contact for "complications" such as this one, and I don't view that as a reasonable complication that is going to cause life long hard to the child. Do you? I'm honestly curious because I read this defense constantly, and I have yet to have someone provide me a real life situation (short of the oft cited "abuse factor" because come on, no one is arguing for that here), especially for domestic infant adoption, where it honestly holds true and the APs were justified in cutting off contact because it was causing actual harm to the child. What are actual things a first mom could do that justify cutting off contact between her and her child? Again, let's leave out physical abuse because no reasonable person is arguing that an abuser should have access to her victim.<br /><br />I am hoping you circle back and read this because I genuinely would appreciate having that kind of discussion. Tiffanynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-16920109738894064192017-12-11T17:58:27.422-05:002017-12-11T17:58:27.422-05:00Since the show does not "celebrate" adop...Since the show does not "celebrate" adoption in the usual way, but presents some pretty difficult situations, it is a useful tool to educate adoptive parents and would-be adopters. On Facebook, there are very positive comments from adoptees. This show reaches a great many more people than Long Lost Family, which I haven't watched this season at all. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-54587466282036097842017-12-11T15:17:42.329-05:002017-12-11T15:17:42.329-05:00The whole thing makes me very sick... I tried, onc...The whole thing makes me very sick... I tried, once, to watch... I can't watch it is sick and disgusting.<br /><br />LoriAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-13467912481110943722017-12-11T12:40:51.498-05:002017-12-11T12:40:51.498-05:00As a birthmother, the most profound and beautiful ...As a birthmother, the most profound and beautiful thing I have learned is that adoption is NOT forever. It's simply a legal contract that lasts until age 18. For many of us reunited, building and bonding strong family connections is indeed possible and filled with blessings. It's even better when the adoptive parents bond right along with us. Letting go of ego, regret, anger, possession, jealousy, and the conviction that it is her or me, instead, if possible, embrace...THIS IS US. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-1851578152190068972017-12-11T12:04:31.851-05:002017-12-11T12:04:31.851-05:00Robin, my son also grew up as an adoptee in a very...Robin, my son also grew up as an adoptee in a very insecure environment - where alcoholism, physical abuse, psychological cruelty and homelessness existed. I believed he was going to a better life than anything I could provide as a young mother from a poor family - that is what everyone promised that adoption would ensure. <br /><br />The truth is that he had a tiny and painful life AS A RESULT of being adopted. He would have fared SO much better if we had kept him in our imperfect, tottering, complicated family - a place where - for the first time in his life - he feels he fits in and feels self-confident and loved unconditionally (his words). Adoption was the worst thing to happen to him (and to me) - he was saved from nothing through it, and instead bore burdens that no young person should have to bear as a result of it.<br /><br />cherrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-49465392028913794162017-12-11T11:30:47.329-05:002017-12-11T11:30:47.329-05:00This is the second time on this site you have trie...This is the second time on this site you have tried to stop me speaking out about what I think. You say your words in polite, measured, slightly chiding tones but still you say it. I wonder what you hope to achieve. <br />I should mention that I am in my mid 50s, and will express myself as I choose. <br />cherrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-74105248229650950492017-12-11T10:30:10.795-05:002017-12-11T10:30:10.795-05:00Cherry, Rebecca is stating the reality of what is,...Cherry, Rebecca is stating the reality of what is, as she sees it, through the course of her work (as you quoted). It seems that she is speaking through her day to day experience. She deserves to speak, as do we all, without being personally attacked for her views.new and oldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17362285131091164702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-68302790595151993752017-12-10T22:53:24.189-05:002017-12-10T22:53:24.189-05:00I wholeheartedly agree with Cherry. Children raise...I wholeheartedly agree with Cherry. Children raised in blended families, with divorced parents, do JUST FINE when the ADULTS put their egos aside for the best interests of their children. That is the only "complication" that creates issues. <br /><br />My daughter's dad and I divorced when she was a year old. We raised her, sharing custody and spent many holidays together in the same house. He with his girlfriend and later his wife, me with my husband when I remarried. We were always welcome in each other's homes. Our daughter grew up with that level of friendship and cooperation between her parents. My daughter is now in her 40's, happily married for 15 years, two kids, college graduate (put herself through school), author, owns her own business. <br /><br />It's a bogus excuse to claim children do "so much worse with split family options". They do fine if the adults in their lives act like grown ups. <br /><br />Adoptive parents do not want the birth parents in the picture because they want sole ownership. They don't want shared anything. Shared love. Shared devotion. Shared children. And they ADMIT THESE VERY THINGS when they believe they are speaking only to one another in various Adoptive Parent forums. <br /><br />Being adopted brings it's own challenges. Especially when adoptees hit their teen years. Adoptive parents aren't saints! Adoptive parents divorce. Adoptive parents are alcoholics and (Rx) addicts too. Adoptive parents can even be criminals. <br /><br />How "stable" do you think a home with two functioning (abusive) alcoholics is? I can answer. NOT VERY! Of the 4 children they had, all left before age 18. Only one graduated - the adopted one (me). Almost a year AFTER I left their home (at 16). (turns out all my bio sibs graduated HS then College like me). It wasn't until much later in my life that I found stability. Something I never had in my adopted home. My story is sadly not at all uncommon. Adoption doesn't guarantee a better life. Only a different life. Money doesn't guarantee a better life. Money cannot replace love.<br /><br />Much better to help families gain their footing, become stable, overcome obstacles and stay together. Self sufficiency is taught not by avoiding all difficulties, but by facing them and overcoming them. Robinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06678004187583048512noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-41003768683340297552017-12-10T15:40:37.357-05:002017-12-10T15:40:37.357-05:00'I'd give up my children in an instant if ...'I'd give up my children in an instant if my life situation gave them low odds for a self sufficient life'.<br />Words without meaning. Easy to say when there is no intention and no likelihood of being made to do so. Bet you feel really heroic saying it. Yak.<br /><br />'many adoptive parents do not want the birth parents in the picture because of the complications it can bring.'<br />It's not about them. <br />Quit dressing selfishness up in fake nobleness.<br /><br />'I work with many children and adults who would have had much better odds had they been raised in a more stable family, less criminally involved. I wish they were all adopted.'<br />Doesn't matter what you wish. <br />It's not about you. <br /> <br />Cherryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07876862640326469175noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-31244280510065372682017-12-10T11:39:32.703-05:002017-12-10T11:39:32.703-05:00Quick answer to last question: In an earlier episo...Quick answer to last question: In an earlier episode when Rebecca's mother visited.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.com