tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post4546470950507445980..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: After adoption first/birth mothers are supposed to suck it upLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-69491370379791842092012-11-30T18:37:15.086-05:002012-11-30T18:37:15.086-05:00I'm glad to have come across this post. I have...I'm glad to have come across this post. I have never been able to talk about my experience losing my child to adoption, and it's taken its toll. It's only been 11 years, and sometimes I feel so detached and numb to it that I don't even know how long it's been. I am often very angry and sad over it, and do not share my experience with others. When I have shared, I get such a range of responses - I've been told that what I did was "brave" and I brush this off, because it doesn't feel brave. I've also been told that what I did was selfish. I hate all the responses I receive. It doesn't matter what others think because I still carry so much shame with this memory. I would never wish this experience on anyone - I hate when people tell women to just give up a baby. It's traumatic and heartbreaking and the pain remains long long after. I am pretty sure every decision I've made since then is to distance myself from feeling that kind of pain ever again. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-79586239931701243272011-01-25T11:10:08.748-05:002011-01-25T11:10:08.748-05:00As a mother who also tried to "forget" ,...As a mother who also tried to "forget" ,as I was told I would do, I still suffer from memory loss about alot of the experience. Having reunited with my daughter after 36 years I am fortunate that together we are attempting to bring down all the barricades we both put up around our hearts. We have come to believe that it was about self preservation. It was the silence from all involved that was the most painful. Now that we are back together we have vowed that the silence will never retrun. We are trying to look forward while realizing that we have always been connected and will always share a past.tryingtohealnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-14875626313239921102011-01-24T15:14:41.623-05:002011-01-24T15:14:41.623-05:00Anonymous,
I am so sorry that your daughter does...Anonymous, <br /><br />I am so sorry that your daughter doesn't want contact. It is incredibly painful to be on the rejected end. I was there for 11 years before my fmom finally changed her mind and decided to speak to me. We still haven't met in person, and perhaps we never will. But at least I feel she sees me as a human being now, not a nameless, faceless baby who "ruined" her life and was meant to stay in the shadows. <br /><br />Hugs to you. I hope with all of my heart that your daughter will come around.ms. marginaliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03854609171313401651noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-36106196442810516622011-01-24T13:20:00.703-05:002011-01-24T13:20:00.703-05:00Sorry that I missed you asked where and not when. ...Sorry that I missed you asked where and not when. I was born in a big teaching hospital in St. Louis. She had only told my grandparents about the pregnancy a week before my birth, and my grandparents apparently scrambled to find a place far from home and an agency. My mom is from a very small town, and the town doctor worked with my grandfather to set it all up post haste.ms. marginaliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03854609171313401651noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-12082133526990040162011-01-24T13:18:42.511-05:002011-01-24T13:18:42.511-05:00Well, I have to say - I gave up my daughter in 196...Well, I have to say - I gave up my daughter in 1969 and when I found her in 2006, I lost 60 pounds during our communication (letters)!!! It was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I weigh as much as I did before I got pregant - 100 pounds!! Unfortunely, she doesn't want ANY contact...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-56515624660308794202011-01-24T10:40:43.524-05:002011-01-24T10:40:43.524-05:00Anonymous,
I was born in 1969. I have often wonde...Anonymous,<br /><br />I was born in 1969. I have often wondered if they gave my mom something like conscious sedation to prevent her from being present emotionally, and from forming memories. Under conscious sedation, you remember little, if anything about what happens. I don't think sedation necessarily precludes her having PTSD. I haven't asked her straight up about her feelings related to it, or her diagnosis. We are still in a very new reunion, and she is fragile. She says that she keeps things very heavily suppressed even now.ms. marginaliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03854609171313401651noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-19518466056458572672011-01-24T10:13:09.199-05:002011-01-24T10:13:09.199-05:00Ms Marginlia,
Your mother may not remember your b...Ms Marginlia,<br /><br />Your mother may not remember your birth<br />or days after because the Dr's often drugged<br />mothers at birth on order to make it easier to<br />take the baby. <br /><br />I am not sure where you were born but the <br />abuses of young mothers were very common<br />when adoption and a single mother were used<br />on same context. Human rights abuses were<br />rampant.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-17653752703628452632011-01-23T20:45:54.472-05:002011-01-23T20:45:54.472-05:00My mother sucked it up from age 24 unitl she died....My mother sucked it up from age 24 unitl she died.Even speaking about it and reunion which helped a bit didn't take away the trauma.Guilt too was ever present.She had secondary infertility, loved children and had a double tragedy.<br />Mine was a forced adoption and I will make my submission to the Inquiry to honour her and her suffering.<br />Incidental my word verification is hersin! Not!Vonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17421069895155350144noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-18403019548512002152011-01-23T20:03:15.179-05:002011-01-23T20:03:15.179-05:00I totally get that! There are points in time that...I totally get that! There are points in time that I am oblivious to throughout the year after my daughter was taken..... stolen. Things I supposedly did and still do not remember. I tried, truly tried and still nothing, a blankness. The day I found her, I started losing weight..... not much, but some. I started feeling and being awake for the first time in years.... Now, I sleep sometimes again, doing things on autopilot because I don't know how to feel, my husband dying was and is as traumatic as my loss of my daughter...... I wake slowly....painfully and with great anguish.<br /><br />Yes, I get that.....Lorihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05815710859859029536noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-62014267683678736062011-01-23T18:20:46.373-05:002011-01-23T18:20:46.373-05:00I feel honored to have met so many first mothers w...I feel honored to have met so many first mothers who speak openly about their experiences. I have benefitted from learning about what you have gone through because it helped me have compassion for my own first mother, even when she treated me terribly. <br /><br />I cannot speak directly to my first mother's mental health, but she did say to me that she stuffed down her experience and refused to speak of it to anyone for almost 40 years. She remembers nothing of my birth or the days immediately after, and she told me that when I approached her 10 years ago, she lost 10 pounds and experienced extreme anxiety that required therapy and medication. Whether these are manifestations of PTSD, only she and her doctor can say, but it sure sounds like her trauma--and yes, I go out on a limb and call it trauma--is far from resolved.ms. marginaliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03854609171313401651noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-8729697979963152532011-01-23T17:16:40.143-05:002011-01-23T17:16:40.143-05:00No matter what we say or post about losing
a baby...No matter what we say or post about losing <br />a baby to adoption it will always be countered.<br />If it wasn't those who have made a living off of<br />adoption wouldn't be in business. Those who <br />deny the pain are those reaping off of that pain.<br />It's in the best interests of their well being for the<br />truth to be covered up. To he'll with the best inter-<br />ests of the baby. It's all about the money involved<br />and those who adopt it's they who benefit. The two<br />most important are torn apart for what someone elses<br />bank account or someone elses well being or sense of<br />well being.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-1669262329965680302011-01-23T15:51:52.608-05:002011-01-23T15:51:52.608-05:00I will say this; every aspect of my life has been ...I will say this; every aspect of my life has been affected by the loss of my first born child to adoption. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. For anyone to suggest that we should just "suck it up" and get on with it, let them lose one of their children to adoption. <br /><br />It is an ambiguous loss of having a child out there but not able to be a part of their lives; a REAL part of their lives and forever being regulated to that of shadow mother; on the outside looking in to the life you created. That can be at times, nothing short of emotional torture. <br /><br />Yeah, I will "suck it up", when those who can't become pregnant "suck it up" and stop thinking they are owed our children, because they think are so much more deserving of them than we are.Stephaniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05853661383614920724noreply@blogger.com