tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post4618797032237345451..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Why not choose adoption? The longterm effects of relinquishing on first mothersLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-26566100521682561142013-10-18T15:20:09.924-04:002013-10-18T15:20:09.924-04:00Tchiaki:
Read this post and there are others in t...Tchiaki:<br /><br />Read this post and there are others in the lineup. I suggest you put in search words in the function above left and do your best. but perhaps we have not covered this as thoroughly as we should. What state are you in? Is there any state aid you can receive? When I was pregnant, my doctor was provided as part of a state program, though the agency, I admit, set it up. But I cannot blame that part of my relinquishment on the agency, to be it seemed I had no choice anyway. <br /><br /><a href="http://www.firstmotherforum.com/2012/04/how-adoption-agencies-turn-vulnerable.html" rel="nofollow">How adoption agencies 'turn' vulnerable women into spokespeople for relinquishing</a>Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-22192645896561701582013-10-18T13:47:54.359-04:002013-10-18T13:47:54.359-04:00I'm sorry that this comment is not absolutely ...I'm sorry that this comment is not absolutely related to the post, although it is close. I looked for a more general commenting spot but couldn't find one. <br /><br />Do you have any information or know where to get information about how many and how women are pressured into "choosing" adoption, specifically with financial conditions to receiving prenatal and delivery care? We talk about adoption being a "choice," but is it a choice when pregnancy-related health care is only provided if women give up their child? Could you give me an idea where to look? I think if more people knew about this side of the adoption industry, they would be a little slower to proclaim adoption as a universal good.<br /><br />Thank you so much!tchaikihttp://illicitmemory.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-45821247061262919162013-10-14T00:26:53.097-04:002013-10-14T00:26:53.097-04:00Here's the comment that was inadvertently dele...Here's the comment that was inadvertently deleted:<br /><br />Carolyn K. has left a new comment on your post "Why not choose adoption? The longterm effects of r...": <br /><br />Lorraine,<br /><br />Could you post this article that came out today by ICTMN by the Charleston NAACP president? It would great to see peoples' comments!<br /><br /><br />Baby Veronica & Baby Deseray: Don't Let Them Sell Our Babies!<br />Dot Scott<br />10/13/13<br /><br />The recent cases of Baby Veronica and Baby Desaray make me fear for young adoptive children, especially those of color. The similarities of these two cases, including the same adoption agency attorney in both, demand a closer look into these children’s civil rights.<br /><br />As an African-American mother, it disturbs me to read of all the cheering and celebration of Veronica’s return to her adoptive parents. Where have we come as a country when we all allow ourselves to go back to the days when the purchase of humans, especially minorities, is accepted and even applauded?<br /><br />The reported stories around the relationships between the biological fathers and mothers suggest that these mothers are giving birth to minority children with the express intent of giving them up for adoption. The biological mothers are even generously compensated for doing so. The implication becomes that the fathers were used as sperm donors, which is surely cheaper than in vitro fertilization.<br /><br />Any sympathy for the adoptive parents continues to diminish as it becomes increasingly clear that something very sinister is going on here, and the birth mothers may be part of it. In fact, the Charleston Post and Courier took a close look at this disturbing issue in its September 21 article, "The Price of Adoption." The reporter quotes Shannon Jones, the Charleston attorney who represents the biological fathers of both Veronica and Desaray as saying: “Once these agencies and lawyers get the birth mother on the hook ... they tell these birth moms not to answer any calls from the dads. Of course, then they argue the dad is a deadbeat.”<br /><br />If it’s true that the mothers set out to deceive or mislead the biological fathers, that is the saddest of all elements surrounding these adoptions. <br /><br />Our children are not chattels to be conveniently sold to adoptive parents who care more about what they want than what is best for the child. What gives them the right to take a minority child when a loving and adoring father wants to raise her? While contributing eggs and sperm doesn’t necessarily make a good mother or father, neither does fighting a prolonged court battle to win custody and securing a public relations to accuse the birth father of being a deadbeat dad.<br /><br />Real mothers and fathers will always do what’s best for the child, and if that child is happy with her biological parent, no one should attempt to sever that bond.<br /><br />From all accounts of both the Baby Veronica and Baby Desaray cases, I believe that there should be a thorough investigation of the birth mothers, the adoptive parents, and the attorney for the adoption agency to ensure that the civil rights of these children and their biological fathers have not been violated.<br /><br />We as a nation must protect the civil rights of children of all races. Above all, we must remember that the words of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King remind us that our children too are “created equal."<br /><br />Dot Scott is the president of the Charleston Branch of the NAACP.<br /><br />Read more at http://indiancountrytodaymedianetwork.com/2013/10/13/baby-veronica-baby-deseray-dont-let-them-sell-our-babies <br /><br />Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-27114103472292569562013-10-13T18:15:27.303-04:002013-10-13T18:15:27.303-04:00A comment was just deleted by mistake. It was abou...A comment was just deleted by mistake. It was about the Capobiancos and Dusten Brown. I am not sure which blog it was directed to. <br /><br />It was about focusing attention on another story, and since I can't read the entire comment until it is posted, I don't know the whole skinny. Could that individual please send me the comment at forumfirstmother@gmail.com, which is the best way to communicate with us. Thankx.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-696460032605032092013-10-13T12:02:02.738-04:002013-10-13T12:02:02.738-04:00@foundling,
I wish your comment was in bronze on ...@foundling,<br /><br />I wish your comment was in bronze on every courthouse in the nation. Although, even that probably wouldn't be enough. The fact that adoption damages both the mother and the child has been known at least since Florence Clothier in the 1940s. And there has been a lot more information released in the 60 plus years since then. <br /><br />What the family preservationist bloggers are writing, and what the commenters are saying is known. It is not falling on deaf ears. But there are powerful people, industries and influences that must divert it. The utterly sickening outcome in the Veronica Brown case is the clearest example I can think that shows how are message is still being stomped on.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-84460078099733141302013-10-13T11:09:07.189-04:002013-10-13T11:09:07.189-04:00I searched, and found my mother and entire family....I searched, and found my mother and entire family. My mother lashed out at me with a ferocity that took my breath away. I am now her worst enemy, because I bring back the pain she felt 50 years ago. There is no way I can ever be loved by my mother in this lifetime. <br /><br />I was compelled to search, and I wish I never had. I'm not the same person I was. I have no contact with my parents. They prefer the fog. <br /><br />The first rejection was anonymous, I was a newborn with no personality. Now it's personal. My mother and father know me and they do not like me, and what I have to say about being adopted. All their suffering and great sacrifice was for nothing. <br /><br />I love my mother dearly, and her treatment of me has caused me the worst pain in my life. I've sought therapy and tried medication, but nothing really helps. Meeting my family, and seeing how they've carried on their lives without me was a cruel blow. Both parents have other beloved children. They moved on, but I never could. <br /><br />I know my mother suffered deeply when she lost me. I know she is damaged. I know it's her, not me, but being treated like a monster by your own mother does something to a person. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.adoptomussnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-48125170473604644682013-10-13T09:59:15.961-04:002013-10-13T09:59:15.961-04:00Like you Lorraine, I was one of those mothers who ...Like you Lorraine, I was one of those mothers who felt compelled to search and couldn't imagine not searching. In my case, the drive may have been due to the fact that I felt forced to surrender as I had no other options. As of this writing, I can still hear the social worker's voice telling me repeatedly that "letting go" would be the loving choice. As things turned out, it was the choice from hell. Ironically, when I found, I was criticized in a numbers of circles for having even searched! Can you believe that! In my mind, I don't understand how a mother could NOT search for her child.gailnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-41227254352054347932013-10-13T00:59:14.049-04:002013-10-13T00:59:14.049-04:00I managed the whole "give away your baby"...I managed the whole "give away your baby" thing for years by intellectualizing EVERYTHING to death. Someone once told me I was totally defended and until I killed my alligators, intimacy was hopeless.<br /><br />I went back to school with a vengeance 4 months later. I married the father a year and a half after the birth and moved with him to another state. As a military brat, I was an expert in moving on. He wanted me to get a full time job but I told him if I had to choose, he was the last consideration on my list. He had used his all up. We went off to grad school. He couldn't hack it. End of marriage.<br /><br />No one except my parents and he knew. It stayed that way until news and magazine articles started appearing. I did some research and shared my story with a male friend. I was told males rarely searched and the outcome might be bad. <br /><br />I let it go until alt.adoption in the mid 90s. My god ... so many of us; so much anguish; such horrible stories. And the angry adoptees!!! I had no idea. I had avoided adoptees.<br /><br />So I searched. It wasn't hard. But that brought a world of hurt and anger and depression and confusion. I tried therapy. That was fun when a year later I found out she worked with agencies. Trust was never one of my biggies. I had a deep depression, was misdiagnosed and over medicated. None of this was helpful to a reunion.<br /><br />Then I left my husband whose understanding ran to comparing me to a useless mother in-law. Says a lot about him. <br /><br />I didn't kill my alligators. They died of old age in their moat. I am at peace with myself. My melt down cost me a reunion, although I never involved him in it. I was angry, but not any more.<br /><br />I am 70 years old and this has been going on since I was 20. The secret led to losing touch with people then and after never making close friends again. I had always planned a career in politics but couldn't. I can't say it destroyed my life. I'm still here and healthy. Now I just try to understand and quietly cheer from the sidelines.Sara C.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-55620660949597719232013-10-12T23:50:58.907-04:002013-10-12T23:50:58.907-04:00Jane,
Origins-USA collects the stories of first mo...Jane,<br />Origins-USA collects the stories of first mothers. You read the stories of others by going to Origins-USA's web site and clicking on "Parents' stories." <a href="http://origins-usa.org/" rel="nofollow">Origins-USA</a>.<br /><br />There are many books telling the stories of first mothers and/or their reunited children including Lorraine's memoir "Birthmark." For a list of books, go to the Origins-USA website.<br /><br />Hope this helps.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-13146577501727655332013-10-12T18:26:23.689-04:002013-10-12T18:26:23.689-04:00Celebrity adopting again: Sandra Bullock getting a...Celebrity adopting again: Sandra Bullock getting a sibling for her first adoptee.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-27218778172063485882013-10-12T17:39:03.267-04:002013-10-12T17:39:03.267-04:00While I believe it is vitally important that furth...While I believe it is vitally important that further studies of this nature are undertaken it always surprises me that it needs to be proved that separation causes harm. <br /><br />HELLO! A mother and child have been permanently separated. The idea that either party escapes unscathed is patently absurdfoundlinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00379823341637915169noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-28497328971786214842013-10-12T15:27:03.142-04:002013-10-12T15:27:03.142-04:00Jane:
Oh your story is so sad and it has probably...Jane: <br />Oh your story is so sad and it has probably been repeated more times than anyone knows. <br /><br />As for other stories, I am working on my memoir to be called Hole in my He♥rt, that covers the 26 years that my daughter and I knew each other. As I have said, it was tumultuous at times, great at others. It was our "normal," but of course it was not what the world knows as normal. I am sure you understand. <br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-21484074770917528802013-10-12T14:19:38.942-04:002013-10-12T14:19:38.942-04:00I wonder, has anyone collected stories/personal ac...I wonder, has anyone collected stories/personal accounts from mothers and/or their reunited children? I was reunited with my mom at age 23, and she was thrilled to be found...as was my full sister, 15 months younger than me. My sister was kept - my mother actually went back to the adoption agency for counseling (one huge reason why I was able to find her so easily 30 years ago, before internet, etc.) and told them of her pregnancy, but said that she would NEVER go through giving up a baby again. She never got over giving me up. She suffered depression, alcoholism, moved across the country after having my sister, never had another child after my sister, never married again. (she was married to my birth father briefly, until she found out that his previous marriage was final one month BEFORE I was born...he could have married her just before or after my birth...and she could have kept me then.) Her parents forced her to surrender...along with the coercion by the agency, no help from anyone, (she BEGGED her sister to get an apartment with her, bought baby clothes, tried everything - refused to sign until I was 3 weeks old...visited me in the agency nursery once - unheard of in 1960) and abusive treatment at the hospital by the medical staff - she was a wreck. Horrible grief. Her parents sent her to California to her sister's for a few weeks to "recover". She came back and got back together with my father, who now said he was divorced and free to be together. (when in truth, he was "free" the month before I was born.) She was able to keep my sister because her father, who vehemently opposed her bringing "that bastard baby" home and refused to help her with me, had died during her pregnancy with my sister, and so then her mother helped her raise my sister. Now she is 78, has had depression for years, chronic pain, has isolated herself from others for years, and is now in the early stages of Alzheimers. I have no doubt that her having to surrender me directly impacted her mental and physical health. She did a very good job raising my sister - private parochial school, braces, flute lessons - but small apartment and no car - but I know it was hard, and my sister said she always had anger...and they were not well off, but still, she was a good mom. I'm sure that if she had been supported to keep me, she would have had a totally different outcome in her life. It makes me so angry, and so sad for her. I know the reunion has improved things for her somewhat - thank God for that - but still, the underlying illness and grief are there. Not a good outcome at all, for her. For me...Normal Rockwell childhood in a small midwestern town, not rich, not poor, just very nice, great adoptive parents and family whom I love dearly....but, always something missing, the wondering, the buried trauma and grief...not until I learned about the BSE just in the last YEAR has all my anger and grief come to the surface. But I'm most concerned for her. It isn't fair what happened to her. It totally sucks.Janehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18184494129204226106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-58882072476881266852013-10-12T12:57:36.732-04:002013-10-12T12:57:36.732-04:00You talk about mothers uprooting themselves into d...You talk about mothers uprooting themselves into different lives. I'm a Southerner, but I live in Ohio now, and have for most of the past eleven years.<br /><br />I was in Louisiana, staying with my dad, when I signed the relinquishment for my son. Then I moved back to Memphis because of the "job market." (Dad would have let me stay with him, regardless.) I stayed there for about a year and then I moved north--first to Indiana, which didn't work out, and then here to Ohio, where I've been ever since, except for about five and a half months in Louisiana again.<br /><br />And if it hadn't been for Facebook I would be in touch with pretty much nobody from my old life. I had no idea this was A Thing we did, but I *did* have sort of a mental health collapse after I settled in here. I remember weeping as I talked with my then-new boyfriend about my son, and later going through several anxiety-depression cycles over a number of years that alienated me from pretty much all my local friends.<br /><br />And that was the obvious stuff. I had issues before then, from the time my ex-MIL picked up my son for a "temporary stay", onward. Easy irritability, greater impulsiveness, and so on. I got to the point that I would quit my job on a whim, no notice at all. As you can guess, all that past behavior seriously affects my life now.<br /><br />It wasn't til another first mother (Claudia) found me on the Internet that I began seriously entertaining the notion that all these issues might be grief-related.Dana Seilhanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11749354913843954242noreply@blogger.com