tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post4718793452468949092..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: To First Mothers: When your adopted 'child' calls out of the blueLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-74442302191887934912017-04-16T04:29:29.176-04:002017-04-16T04:29:29.176-04:00I searched for " the pain of giving your chil...I searched for " the pain of giving your child away" Years later you finally give yourself the freedom to feel that pain for what it is and it can tear you up and know one knows...Irish Lillyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07116638052375874641noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-56413563953351916942017-03-09T02:16:29.863-05:002017-03-09T02:16:29.863-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.momr6https://www.blogger.com/profile/11982138569582267407noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-53130088724429419942017-02-23T15:20:09.168-05:002017-02-23T15:20:09.168-05:00Mirah, I know you understand...I was writing a he...Mirah, I know you understand...I was writing a headline and thinking about what a mother might search for on the internet. As you say, we are always our mother's child. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-70243061211960963612017-02-23T11:25:20.779-05:002017-02-23T11:25:20.779-05:00My first reaction when I saw this was: Why is CHIL...My first reaction when I saw this was: Why is CHILD put in quotes? Because they are adults? It's tricky.... calling adopted adults adoption "children" is hurtful, but to a mother her child is always her child even if they are 65!! <br /><br />I think we need to move to saying our relinquished sons and daughters.Mirah Ribenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13626873757236976251noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-69228496854078347352017-02-14T07:43:20.367-05:002017-02-14T07:43:20.367-05:00Anonymous, Thanks for your honest story of how it ...Anonymous, Thanks for your honest story of how it has been. Upon reunion, mothers are usually caught unaware of all the raw emotions from the past that come tumbling out like an overturned jelly jar. We've been stuffing them so long that we don't realize how they will be overturned, and we go through a period of mourning, just as we did when we first lost our children to adoption. I didn't even realize what was happening when I found my daughter, and as you say the guilt comes out in many ways and everybody says, forgive yourself. Only others can forgive us, we must come to a place of acceptance of our relinquishment that we thought was best at the time. Even after all these years--I relinquished my daughter in 1966--I was discovering new things emotionally when I wrote h♥le in my heart. When you wrote "Whether if was best or not I still do the know but now it is good," I remember coming to that feeling eventually. <br /><br />You are doing the right thing, so just hang in there. Since you have the support of your family, you'll be all right. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-18484354118781042412017-02-13T11:47:44.146-05:002017-02-13T11:47:44.146-05:00My son found me in December 2016. I tried to leave...My son found me in December 2016. I tried to leave my records open so he would find me but it didnt happen because the adoption agency was not a good one. He found my ex father in law through DNA and ancestry.com. My father in law didn't know about him but did put him in touch with my ex husband who led him to me. Son had a rough time with his father's family, not a glad reunion but thankfully he kept on until he found me, his brother and sister and the rest of the family. We have a happy reunion. We met in January and it was amazing to see him and his brother who are so alike in looks and in just about every other way. I never told the children or anyone else besides my current husband who I told before we were married. My kids took the news very well because they know and love me and realize what they grew up through until I was divorced their dad. My mom has been hard to deal with. Several friends have been critical but what everyone else says is nothing compared to how I have beat myself up. I handled things well in the beginning and through the meeting but I have been dealing with the emotional breakdown of holding this in for 30 years and all my regrets and grief erupted. My son says to let it go, he forgave me years ago. I have trouble forgiving myself but I'm working to move forward and leave the past behind. The emotions are raw and they hurt but they are necessary to healing. As a birth mom, I did what I thought was best. Whether if was best or not I still do the know but now it is good. Life is good. My best advice is honesty and make sure your DNA is available for them to search for you. It will be best for you and them. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-40379761324828447162017-02-11T10:29:03.883-05:002017-02-11T10:29:03.883-05:00I was sent a very nice story about reunion...but b...I was sent a very nice story about reunion...but before we got to the reunion, I read this sentence: "She also discovered that she was much more interested in her adoption and in finding out her own story of birth, <i>so that she could get medical information as well as find and thank the woman who gave her life."</i> (It added)<br /><br />With stories in the media touting reunion as only a source of birth information, medical data, and the suggestion that a "thank you" is a good idea (which ends up being heard as: Thank you for not aborting me, or I had a better life, thank you for that), it's no wonder that adopted people approach reunion with these words or idea on their mind. But those words remove any idea that the mother might be longing to know the adoptee, suggesting that only information and a thank you is coming her way. The mother is thinking: Forgive me for giving you up, and the adopted person is saying: Thank you for doing so....I'm not going to bash the media, but this kind of writing that includes phrases like this one does represents the adoptive parent and industry trope that reunion is only about information and a thanks. I hate this. <br /><br />In fact, the reunion in this story went very well, as soon as the mother was contacted. They lived on the same street. <br /><br /><a href="http://www.searchquestamerica.com/news/erica-never-gave-up-and-her-dream-came-true" rel="nofollow">ERICA NEVER GAVE UP, AND HER DREAM CAME TRUE!</a>Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-66838739089505825222017-02-09T22:04:31.403-05:002017-02-09T22:04:31.403-05:00Lorraine,
I am always so moved by your posts. My ...Lorraine,<br />I am always so moved by your posts. My husband's brother found us 23 years ago. My mother in laws' reactions were all over the place, but relief and pleasure were the two primary emotions she conveyed. My father in law, by contrast, felt sheepish and embarrassed in private but, nonetheless, welcomed his son warmly into our family. My husband and his older brother were beside themselves to discover they had a brother ten years older, they all look and behave so much alike, their mannerisms, their interests, their politics! Their story was part of my inspiration for writing "Eden: A Novel" which will be released May 2. Jeanne Blasberghttp://www.jeanneblasberg.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-50639701913668028802017-02-08T21:42:23.191-05:002017-02-08T21:42:23.191-05:00Thanks for writing Anon, because you sum up eloqu...Thanks for writing Anon, because you sum up eloquently what I understand, even though I have heard so many negative things from the adopted over the years about their OBCs. I understand saying that the right to one's own OBC should be separate from reunion, but I'm too soft-hearted to believe that the two aren't connected, though adopted individuals have every right to be as you say, Here goes nothing, trying to convince themselves of that at the same time they deep down want love and acceptance. In the early days of search and reunion, it was different. Feelings were raw and more on the surface. <br /><br />I wrote this post hoping that it might reach some of those mothers (and fathers) who might be found but are in the closet. But of course they are probably not googling "when your adopted x calls." They are simply hiding in plain sight. It's a pity. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-18395478271942125592017-02-08T16:49:58.396-05:002017-02-08T16:49:58.396-05:00I'm an adult adoptee that found my mother afte...I'm an adult adoptee that found my mother after 48 years. We have had a great reunion, but something that she said stuck with me. She told me that she "never forgave" herself for what she had done to me. My response was an honest "I forgave you a long time ago" because I had - probably back when I was a kid that just longed for my "real" parents to come back for me someday. It's probably pretty common that as children adoptees wish for their parents to come back (I asked Santa, I wished with my birthday candles, everything that a kid knows how to do) but once we become adults the fantasy life of a child changes. We get busy, we get angry, we stuff the feelings of hurt and we rationalize what has happened to us. Deep down, though, that little kid really just wants their mom and dad to want them, though, but we have the "protection" that adulthood has given us to shield our hearts from any additional hurt. The day I met the dad who had looked for me for 46 years I "protected" myself before walking into his house by turning to my husband and saying "well, here goes nothing". It wasn't "nothing" because I had wished for this for a lifetime but I didn't want more hurt and tried to minimize things as much as possible. I think this may be what first mom's are running into when they meet their children. If you can look at us and see through the 30, 40, 50+ years of "insulation" that we have put up, you'll see a little kid that just wants to be loved. It just may take some time for that child to open up to you. Thank you for this post, I know other adoptees who do not have the great relationship that I have with my parents, and I wish their parents could see what might be possible for them in reunion.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-32920717036690481042017-02-05T16:47:04.508-05:002017-02-05T16:47:04.508-05:00I am still hoping my child will get back to me. I...I am still hoping my child will get back to me. I've been threatened by two different family members. There is something deeply unnatural and wrong with separating mother and infant just to go fit in with some artificial and generally patriarchy rooted pattern. The result of that primal rupture of THE primary familial relationship for everyone builds up emotional pressure no less volatile than the seismic pressure that causes earthquakes.DMhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09360812714560890510noreply@blogger.com