tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post478770524139991547..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Should I tell my sister she's adopted? Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-12146129359800447252016-03-15T21:35:19.850-04:002016-03-15T21:35:19.850-04:00I do think her saying several times before she die...I do think her saying several times before she died to her oldest son that "you were not my first" child is factual. You have no idea how much she carried on about my work to her family and close friends. I only heard about it because she wouldn't shut up about me. And if we were not to write about people after they died, that would certainly end any biographies, about say, Jefferson and Sally Hemings, for starters. Or Herbert Hoover. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-25987143291070514912016-03-15T20:46:07.843-04:002016-03-15T20:46:07.843-04:00It's not an entirely unreasonable surmise, but...It's not an entirely unreasonable surmise, but I don't think it's right, fair or respectful to discuss this dead woman's personal life without any real evidence of the facts. <br />Lisanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-18105767888794633282016-03-15T18:35:45.679-04:002016-03-15T18:35:45.679-04:00Yvonne's comments and behavior toward you were...Yvonne's comments and behavior toward you were so wrong, but I still feel very sorry for this poor woman. She was indeed a very damaged person. She must have had so much guilt, shame and more than that - true self-hatred, that she couldn't face any of her feelings, all the while she saw what you were doing. Perhaps there was some resentment that a younger woman (you) was willing and able to be so open about your situation, whereas she may have felt she was forced to keep silent, or unhappy at her lack of courage. Some real, meaningful help was right in front of her in the form of a friend, but she could not begin to respond to it. <br /><br />15 years doesn't seem like that much of an age difference, it's not an entire generation. But her story certainly says a lot about how women were treated - and still are - as opposed to men. Shame on the woman who dares to have a baby with no husband, or if she ends her marriage! How about the shame of a man, who would make a woman pregnant? Where's that? Sadly, women are left - literally - holding the bag, as it is our ability in nature to reproduce, meaning to deliver offspring. Men do not share this responsibility, in the end. I believe as a birth mother than NO woman who has a baby, lives without continual suffering and pain, if she is separated from her baby, no matter what the circumstances - her baby was taken from her! <br /><br />Society's attitude changed through the 70's somewhat, and it's a tragedy Yvonne could not have at some point come to terms with what happened to her, what was done to her. A woman can come off as very cold, when actually she is covering up - great fear. Men - not so much - not needed. Society still does not assign them the great blame and the "scarlet letter", as it does women, to this day.new and oldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17362285131091164702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-68897782189653180312016-03-14T15:49:37.903-04:002016-03-14T15:49:37.903-04:00The issue of 'withholding' information tha...The issue of 'withholding' information that is as important as telling their child that they are adopted is such a betrayal. The one thing I have learned in life is that the truth always has a way of coming out, and usually not when you want it too. <br /><br />I watched 'Long, Lost Family' last night, and one of the Adoptee's was a women who was a LDA. She found out in her mid twenties while she was at a wedding and an aunt asked her if she had found her 'birthmother'. When she asked the aunt, "what do you mean", she told her she was adopted. She then confronted her adoptive father who told her she was adopted and that he had no intention of telling her. She added that when they (adoptive parents) passed, they took all of their secrets and information with them. This of course caused her to feel betrayed and angry. She said that "knowing who you are is what makes you as a person, and everyone has a right to know that". By the time she was able to find out what happened, her First Mother had passed in 2010, but she was able to have contact with a sister and find out about herself. It is a shame that these people put themselves before their child. I'm going to assume they didn't know any better given the era they were raised in, but today there should be no excuse for this. <br /><br />I cry through this entire show every time I watch it. But it is so great to see so many people getting connected. <br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01908086395357601866noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-58960002003719365002016-03-13T17:38:59.966-04:002016-03-13T17:38:59.966-04:00What a horrible act of betrayal those adoptive par...What a horrible act of betrayal those adoptive parents have perpetrated on the adopted daughter. I may have missed it, but what is her age? I'm assuming she's an adult now ?<br /><br />It's not the brother's responsibility--it is the a-parent's--however, if the a-parents don't have the decency or courage to do so, then, yes, the brother needs to do so ASAP.<br /><br />The secrecy and lies in adoption are alive and well. Not only will the young woman have to deal with the trauma of learning she is adopted, but she will also have to deal with the sense of betrayal that her a-parents had the information but chose to withhold it from her. That will most likely hurt the adoptee greatly and leave a deep psychological scar.<br /><br />The longer she does not know the truth, the longer she is being betrayed and deceived. It is so wrong that those around her know her truth except for her. It's cruel, unfair, unwise, and unhealthy. Her brother needs to find the courage (that his parents didn't have) and tell her the truth. <br /><br />Her adoption was and is dominated by the needs of her adopters instead of her needs. (No surprise there in the secret, deceptive world of adoption). Withholding this vital information can only be toxic to her future relationship with the adopters. Secrecy only damages relationships.Leslienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-55614664020504464492016-03-13T13:59:30.286-04:002016-03-13T13:59:30.286-04:00I grew up with another adoptee. I don't remem...I grew up with another adoptee. I don't remember how we both shared that we were adopted, but we did. We never spoke about it, but we both knew.<br /><br />She's married and has a son, but never told her husband she was adopted, because it's so "under the radar". Autumnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02036100049294900917noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-6240399783780374202016-03-13T12:28:32.707-04:002016-03-13T12:28:32.707-04:00It sounds like you were very close, such a shame s...It sounds like you were very close, such a shame she could not share her story with you. Do the children read or know about your blog?maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-64311513496205769102016-03-13T08:49:42.480-04:002016-03-13T08:49:42.480-04:00Forgot to answer your question--will the siblings ...Forgot to answer your question--will the siblings search for their lost sibling? I see no indication that they are, or will. BTW, one of her daughters did contribute to the kickstarter for H♥le and read it. By then, even though Y was still not admitting anything, the sibs had begun to surmise the truth. As I said, our two families had become intertwined--when either of our houses were full of relatives, the overflow stayed at the other's house. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-85690036675877826202016-03-12T17:09:47.655-05:002016-03-12T17:09:47.655-05:00Jay, not as much as I wish, but more than not at a...Jay, not as much as I wish, but more than not at all. It is difficult for her parents for various reasons, and I respect and understand that. My daughter would like to see them more often, and I have a very hard time finding the right words to help her understand that it isn't about her, and it isn't because they don't love her... that part is getting challenging.Tiffanynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-78062747130863499492016-03-12T13:49:46.131-05:002016-03-12T13:49:46.131-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16571106249207987994noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-46876543202054100452016-03-12T12:37:51.864-05:002016-03-12T12:37:51.864-05:00This is very bothersome, as I feel many young wome...This is very bothersome, as I feel many young women have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder in recent decades. True bipolar disorder is extreme and hard to miss, accompanied by violence and a desire to harm, unpredictability from hour to hour or day to day, and a lack of normal functioning in any sense. There are lesser forms of bipolarism, it seems, but I think young women have been done a disservice in the last few decades by being wrongly diagnosed and wrongly medicated.<br /><br />As for not telling someone they are adopted, it is brainwashing, there's no way to soft-sell it. I also thought that was done only in the distant past, and am surprised to see that it still goes on today. There are wikis online about "If you think you are adopted," so I guess it is still not a unique instance, as related to The Ethicist. It's much better to tell your adopted child the truth, it may be rather a hurtful and confused childhood, but if he or she finds out as an adult, they will feel that they are living a lie - thanks to their aparents, and they may reject their aparents permanently. It would certainly be understandable.<br /><br />When I was a child (about 5), I had 2 cousins who were adopted by my aunt and uncle. They were much older than me and I didn't really know them. But they were born in the 40's, kids in the 50's, and one of them was a Marine in Vietnam (if that helps to place the time period). They were not from the same mother, but they knew they were adopted, and our family knew. I wonder if it was unusual back then for my aunt & uncle to have such transparency, but I thought it was normal. I met my cousins in the early 90's as I had to go back to my hometown and ask some questions about my family. One of them had Hodgkin's Disease, and he contacted his birth mother to find out if it was hereditary (as far as she knew, it was not.) He may have contracted it from Agent Orange in Viet Nam; there was no way to tell. <br /><br />new and oldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17362285131091164702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-39747962753731334912016-03-12T08:44:40.055-05:002016-03-12T08:44:40.055-05:00And what you say is how I came to see it. Yes, I t...And what you say is how I came to see it. Yes, I think she had convinced her self she was no more than a "reproductive agent." <br /><br />We will continue to be friends with her children, who we visit when we are in the cities they live in. And we are helping them now as they break down her house for sale. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-49331382528396209632016-03-12T08:39:25.328-05:002016-03-12T08:39:25.328-05:00It's puzzling to me to sometimes. But somehow ...It's puzzling to me to sometimes. But somehow there was always something that pulled us back together--not the least of which were the bonds we had with her children, who became personal friends as well, and they range in age from 60 to 50. <br /> Yes, she was 15 years older than me. She lived three doors down the street. She was smart and bright and generous in every other way. <br /><br />Let's just say it is complicated and let it go at that. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-9884871208933426492016-03-12T07:34:50.093-05:002016-03-12T07:34:50.093-05:00Lorraine, it is puzzling why you continued to be f...Lorraine, it is puzzling why you continued to be friends with Yvonne. She insulted you and you say she spoke against you to others. What was the attraction that caused you to even go out of your way to visit her when she was housebound?<br /><br />I presume she was older than we are, and an old-school closet birthmother who dealt with her loss very differently. If the man who died in France whose picture she kept was indeed her lost child's father, and she did confess to her son at the end that this child existed, she obviously had deep feelings about both the child and the ex-lover. Maybe she could not deal with you so close to her doing what she could not, and what she forbid herself to do for so many years. Maybe she was really yelling at herself about being just a "reproductive agent". The whole story is incredibly sad, especially as her children surmised she had given up a child anyhow. Once again, the poisoned silence. As in "Eleanor Rigby", "no one was saved." Are the children interested in finding the French sibling?maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-88715472071111043502016-03-11T17:22:19.091-05:002016-03-11T17:22:19.091-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16571106249207987994noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-9790480134517601952016-03-11T17:18:31.161-05:002016-03-11T17:18:31.161-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16571106249207987994noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-41633277211329261502016-03-11T16:43:01.316-05:002016-03-11T16:43:01.316-05:00Yvonne raged on against my finding my daughter, al...Yvonne raged on against my finding my daughter, all reunions, etc., and at times we did not speak over this issue. She talked about it to her children, to her friends--that what I was doing was wrong. She yelled at me once--YOU ARE NO MORE THAN A REPRODUCTIVE AGENT!!! <br /><br />Then to realize she was a mother in hiding left me with a bitter aftertaste. <br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-55799567944600904902016-03-11T15:49:18.929-05:002016-03-11T15:49:18.929-05:00Adoptive parents should tell children as much as t...Adoptive parents should tell children as much as they know (as appropriate by age) and fund the search for the natural family when the adoptee is 18.momengineernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-21204661784080792522016-03-11T13:06:09.584-05:002016-03-11T13:06:09.584-05:00I feel only compassion for Yvonne. It seems to me ...I feel only compassion for Yvonne. It seems to me she internalized deeply the shame that likely was imposed on her. I once heard an adopted person in her late 70s speak about her experience. "You must remember," she said, "that in those days we didn't say the word 'asthma' out loud. Do you think we discussed adoption?"<br /> <br />The detail of the phone call announcing the death of the man in France, and the later discovery of his photo on Yvonne's dresser, is heart-rending. May she rest in peace.Jessica O'Dwyernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-32951493916796165932016-03-11T11:31:50.524-05:002016-03-11T11:31:50.524-05:00I have heard some horror stories of a-parents not ...I have heard some horror stories of a-parents not telling their kid(s) they were adopted. One person that had been in the adoption industry told me that one prospective adoptive father (who was very rich) said there was no way he would tell his child that they were adopted. When the social worker said she would not approve him for the home study because of this, he raged "I am very wealthy, I can get what I want." THe agency backed her up and he was forced to leave. Some time later this social worker met another worker from a different agency, who mentioned that this very man had adopted from her agency. When the first woman asked if he said he was going to tell the child they were adopted, the second woman said, "Oh, I never thought to ask." !!!!! How could you not ask that question when interviewing prospective adoptive parents? Crazy.Danninoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-23989654384177604242016-03-11T11:11:13.903-05:002016-03-11T11:11:13.903-05:00A few years ago I ordered a used copy of book call...A few years ago I ordered a used copy of book called, Who Am I? ...and other QUESTIONS of ADOPTED Kids from Amazon. Small paperback, didn't look read. Inside the cover is written: Cheryl--On your 21st birthday, thought you should know--Jeff. <br /><br />Blew me away, and forgot about it until I read Lori's comment. <br /><br />As for Yvonne, the family even is pretty sure they have a likely candidate for the father of her firstborn. Oddly enough, I happened to walk into her house--just to say, hi, how are you today--just after she got the phone call from France that he had died. She was weeping. I hugged her. If ever there was a moment that she could have told me, that would have been it. There was a small snapshot of him on her dresser--with a lot of other stuff, but no other photographs--when she died. Her children had not noticed it before, nor had I. One of her sons found it when clearing out her room. If he was indeed the father, her emotional connection with him lingered. Same with me. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-80951943698614754052016-03-11T10:17:08.371-05:002016-03-11T10:17:08.371-05:00I liked what the ethicist had to say about "s...I liked what the ethicist had to say about "sorites," (a new-to-me word) in which "sins can creep up on well-intentioned people."<br /><br />So fascinating about Yvonne. Imagine the amount of shut-down one must do to pretty much obliterate the memory of a major happening in one's life. I guess that's one side effect of shame.<br /><br />I'm remembering now that this situation came up on my blog several years ago, someone wondering if she should tell a grown man he's a LDA. I'm not sure how it turned out. The comments section is worth a read. http://lavenderluz.com/2009/05/should-she-shhhhh-or-should-she-spill-2.htmlLori Lavender Luzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15394441222262940632noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-71949296296580737612016-03-10T20:18:28.742-05:002016-03-10T20:18:28.742-05:00Tiffany, I am delighted that your daughter now has...Tiffany, I am delighted that your daughter now has visits with her first parents. As I recall from your previous writings, contact had ceased a while ago (her first parents' choice), but it sounds like the adoption is now fully open again and there are visits back and forth.Jay Iyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01592280612055255470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-46541194564050484012016-03-10T17:00:11.951-05:002016-03-10T17:00:11.951-05:00I'm appalled by this suggestion from the "...I'm appalled by this suggestion from the "ethicist":<br /><br />"You might seek guidance from her doctor as to when and how it’s safe to tell her. To do so, it would probably make sense to ask your sister, first, if she would let you talk to her doctor about ways in which you can help her."<br /><br />It would *probably make sense*?<br /><br />Has he not heard of HIPAA?!?!? <br /><br />You don't get to just go talk to a doctor about SOMEONE ELSE'S medical issues. Not to mention how wrong it is that yet another person (the doctor) would know the truth about the adoptee before the adoptee does.<br /><br />Argh.<br /><br />kayehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14867231123908961933noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-61312764052921026082016-03-10T16:47:26.306-05:002016-03-10T16:47:26.306-05:00As a mother who lost her son to adoption in 1966. ...<br />As a mother who lost her son to adoption in 1966. I think arents<br />need to ask why they need to keep <br />the secret.<br /><br />I can answer that question. It's all about protecting themselves. Most want to pretend the child they <br />adopted is "as if born to" truth is<br />the child will know when nothing adds up. Looks, likes, preferences, hair color, eye color, all the things they tried to match in the olden days. My son and his adopted sib were so opposite if Little League hadn't clued him in he surely saw there were no similarities at all.<br />Motherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04701407465248392373noreply@blogger.com