tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post5175525588776441449..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: 'Open' adoption letters released in Texas...with redactionsLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger27125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-78957937947918829262016-06-20T11:10:37.412-04:002016-06-20T11:10:37.412-04:00I AGREE 100%I AGREE 100%Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00343690062020116344noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-69952072637951236462014-11-06T15:40:14.952-05:002014-11-06T15:40:14.952-05:00Yes, absolutely, Scott. Adoption needs a lot of re...Yes, absolutely, Scott. Adoption needs a lot of reforming. I encourage you to become involved with an adoption reform organization in your state. You might contact Concerned United Birthparents or Origins-USA to get started.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-40130527301660738212014-11-06T12:14:41.515-05:002014-11-06T12:14:41.515-05:00I am a father who lost his daughter through adopti...I am a father who lost his daughter through adoption, for 27 years. Even united, with a great deal of love for one another, for the past two years, their exist a permanent gulf between us that missing her childhood caused. How can I not take to task those that kept us separated. Cruel and unusual punishment is simply what adoption is, and like slavery should be abolished. The truth is that simple. The complexity for which babies and children need care need a better approach for providing stability without pretense, secrets, fraud, and the like. Its obvious it is wrong to include private enterprise, private interests in this kind of social work. It should be mandatory to have at the least supervised visits, an enforceable family plan, at the very least for children and families. Kin need to be notified and never be left out. Now to those that have an emotional investment in our children, need to suck it up as well in the best interest of the children. Ownership should not substitute for love. Reunification should be the goal not the contrary to ageing out. Children are more capable to make decisions when we frame those decisions responsibly. More choices are in real need.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06100607223784688345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-84031236990341598112014-11-06T11:51:45.657-05:002014-11-06T11:51:45.657-05:00It would be nice if they could. I think adoption ...It would be nice if they could. I think adoption is a dishonest approach to serving a child's best interest. Once you have that foundation under you everything else is unstable. Separation permanently is a tragic response to serving family needs.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06100607223784688345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-78312946173066190932014-11-05T11:28:38.634-05:002014-11-05T11:28:38.634-05:00DMDezigns
Thank you so much for commenting. Heart...DMDezigns <br />Thank you so much for commenting. Hearts do get broken when adoptive parents cut off contact. As they also do when natural mothers disappear. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-16461254718453562302014-11-05T06:57:58.460-05:002014-11-05T06:57:58.460-05:00Oh my. As an AP, this breaks my heart. I have te...Oh my. As an AP, this breaks my heart. I have tears in my eyes for these families. It's so wrong. And it makes me so glad that I moved contact outside of the agency. We still have some contact through them. But I have contact with the extended family as well since the first parents are moving and changing numbers so often it's hard to keep up. The extended family is more geographically stable at the moment. I can't imagine making a promise I didn't keep. It really is supposed to be about what is best for the kids, not what's easiest for us. When my daughter's little brother was born and we were asked to adopt him as well, of course we said yes to keep them together. We agreed to contact. We didn't know that mom had added some additional problems to her life that most people would be upset about. But when he was born, and everything was in the open, we didn't change what we agreed to before. Because contact is still in both their best interest. They will at different times be exposed to behaviors or activities that we think are wrong. As parents, we need to have conversations about those things not lock them in a tower. So why would we cut off contact based on that. None of it is truly a safety issue. <br /><br />I'll stop because I think I'm rambling here, but I'm truly devastated for moms and children who were promised contact that they no longer get to have because someone else decided. And once again, I'm thankful to have this place to see and hear what else is happening outside of my little bubble. dmdezignshttp://www.dmdezigns.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-44659076421972143632014-10-06T15:16:48.024-04:002014-10-06T15:16:48.024-04:00Open adoption agreements are only legally filed in...Open adoption agreements are only legally filed in five states, but I hate the word "enforceable" because my understanding is that even in those five (including my state of CA), they are not easily enforced by the birth parents. <br /><br />I HATE (not big enough capital letters in the world to convey my feelings here) that open adoption is touted by agencies as being oh, so wonderful, but it is not legally enforceable. The adoption aspect is legal and binding. The open aspect is at the whim of the parties involved. And I say "parties" because first parents are equally as capable of disappearing. One of my best friends adopted from foster care, and she put in place a very detailed contact agreement because she wanted the first parents in their son's life. They have disappeared, and she only hears about them third hand. They never even visited one time. The adoption was finalized two and a half years ago now. They have another daughter who was finalized for adoption with relatives at the same time, and they also never hear from the parents. <br /><br />Open adoption should be as binding a contract as child custody. I firmly believe that all parties should uphold agreements and changes should be made using mediation to determine the best interests of the child. For example, sometimes, contact could become too difficult for the child, so maybe all parties can come together and figure out, with a mediator, how to best handle that situation. Just like in a divorce.Tiffanynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-62878646580161266012014-10-06T11:51:22.245-04:002014-10-06T11:51:22.245-04:00Yes, I truly believe in many cases the excuse of t...Yes, I truly believe in many cases the excuse of the "agency closing" is an easy out for adopters who never wanted continued contact in the first place. I happen to know for a fact this excuse was bogus in my case, because when I called Blessed Trinity the phones immediately rolled over to the local agency that had the records, where upon I was rudely and dismissively told the adoptive parents moved (across town, is all) and they had "nothing for me". This continued for 11 long years until I found my son when he was 18. <br /><br />The worst part of all is that my son believes this blatant lie. <br /><br />I got screwed all the way around, just they way his adopters wanted it all along. After all, someone had to pay for their "infertility". <br /><br />Thanks, Lorraine. Vanessanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-54550126180728199822014-10-04T18:44:35.312-04:002014-10-04T18:44:35.312-04:00I began trying to educate myself on adoption issue...I began trying to educate myself on adoption issues for my son's sake (as well as my own) about eight years ago and what I have read time and time and TIME again is story after story after story of adoptive parents who NEVER upheld promises at all OR they upheld them until the adoption was final and then after that "poof" they were gone.<br /><br />My advice to expectant women who TRULY feel they cannot parent is to ask for driver's licenses, social security numbers AS WELL AS visiting the home of the prospective adoptive parents. You are entrusting your child to them - if they won't trust you with their identifying information then they aren't to be trusted. <br /><br />PERIOD. END. OF. STORY.A Second Momnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-40594399517135549362014-10-03T20:52:50.827-04:002014-10-03T20:52:50.827-04:00I suspect the reason that the Texas legislature al...I suspect the reason that the Texas legislature allowed contact in cases where the child was placed in the custody of the child welfare agency was at least in part because the welfare agency can get the mother to give up her parental right voluntarily if she is promised visits and that saves the agency the cost of terminating her rights through a contested court action. <br /><br />Perhaps if adoption practitioners got together and lobbied for laws allowing open adoption agreements in all adoptions it might happen. Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-73284054794518655432014-10-03T18:04:27.842-04:002014-10-03T18:04:27.842-04:00Elizabeth no disrespect to you, but to me these ar...Elizabeth no disrespect to you, but to me these are the kind of words used to promise openness. The mother tries to plan the best open adoption she can for her and her child..plans are made all parties involved. While in reality the mother figures out it was all was just a hope of what could be not a legal right (sorry to late).<br /><br />The reason I have such a hard time with this is, I continue to hear mothers say they said I would get letter, pictures, see my child. The mothers say this is not what I thought was going to happen.<br /> they said….they promised..I thought it was all legal..what happened <br /><br />Truth in adoption not fake promises of opennessAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-83483506833885208692014-10-03T11:45:23.311-04:002014-10-03T11:45:23.311-04:00I just mean that it seems like the legislators app...I just mean that it seems like the legislators appear to recognize (by virtue of having including the sections quoted above) that parents and their children DO have reason to need to maintain contact after termination in some cases, so why not extend such protection in all cases? Elizabeth Jurenovichhttp://www.abrazo.orgnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-52743218844179247872014-10-02T22:31:25.685-04:002014-10-02T22:31:25.685-04:00Elizabeth just a question, what does this mean &qu...Elizabeth just a question, what does this mean "its laws do seem to recognize the concept" <br />not trying to pick on words but the the papers singed in Texas only state that a child is relinquished by parent, never is Open Adoption used in the legal filed paperwork <br /> <br />or maybe you know something more Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-74619803890478190732014-10-02T22:22:01.721-04:002014-10-02T22:22:01.721-04:00Vanessa <3
wow I feel like you told just what h...Vanessa <3<br />wow I feel like you told just what happened to me and my son…but its you <br /><br />my heart hurts..my mind is full of flashbacks <br /><br />my son was placed in Midland Texas, Direct Adoption Center <br />Barbara Messenger was the owner been closed since 1986 <br /><br />wondered if its the same<br /><br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-85817447315500714192014-10-02T20:25:10.218-04:002014-10-02T20:25:10.218-04:00Vanessa:
Found and added to the website and for ...Vanessa: <br /><br />Found and added to the website and for those getting the comments:<br /> <a href="http://www.firstmotherforum.com/2009/03/un-open-adoption-adoptive-parents-lie.html" rel="nofollow">An Un-Open Adoption: Adoptive Parents Lie and Break a Mother's Heart</a><br /><br />This is Vanessa's heart-breaking story, and yes, it is from Texas. <br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-37333895262359945952014-10-02T16:34:02.840-04:002014-10-02T16:34:02.840-04:00Lorraine published an open adoption story in 2009 ...Lorraine published an open adoption story in 2009 that detailed this very thing, actually, that she did not include in the links regarding open adoption.:<br /><br />http://www.firstmotherforum.com/2009/03/un-open-adoption-adoptive-parents-lie.html<br /><br />The adoptive parents claimed they stopped contact after the agency closed but this was not true, as another local agency had the records and all they had to do was call and find out how to forward correspondence. <br /><br />Do your homework. Don't be lured by the bogus lie that is "open adoption". Vanessanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-70197685293270703312014-10-02T13:07:23.705-04:002014-10-02T13:07:23.705-04:00Even in Texas agency adoptions, mothers certainly ...Even in Texas agency adoptions, mothers certainly can (and should) negotiate the amount of post-adoption contact they desire, and refuse to place with any family unwilling to agree to the exchange of identifying information... thank you, Jane, for making this point! <br /><br />At Abrazo Adoption Associates, the agency for which I work, we caution birthparents (in person and in writing) about the non-enforceability of open adoption agreements in Texas, about the importance of full-disclosure of identifying information, and the need to make sure that any understandings about post-placement contact are documented in writing. We provide a "Voluntary Contact Agreement" to be filled out by placing and adopting parents, so that each party has a signed copy, in hopes that this may possibly give placing parents recourse if said agreements were arbitrarily ignored later. (As the child's managing conservator, Abrazo can enforce contact agreements until finalization, which occurs 6-18 months after placement, but thereafter, Texas laws give us no such authority.)<br /><br />I am not an attorney, but interestingly enough, the Texas Family Code (Section 161.2061, Provision for Limited Contact Between Biological Parent and Child) does acknowledge that there can be orders of termination that do allow biological parents limited access to the child, the opportunity to send letters to the child and to receive specified information about the child. Texas Family Code (Section 161.2062) goes on to say that termination orders cannot require that the agreement be included in the adoption order, and that inclusion of a requirement for post-termination contact does not affect the finality of a termination or adoption, nor grant standing to a parent whose rights have been terminated after the adoption. <br /><br />So while Texas does not enforce open adoption, its laws do seem to recognize the concept. These sections specify that they are applicable to agreements between biological parents and the Texas Department of Family & Protective Services, but from a layperson's reading, it raises questions as to whether/why Texas courts would prohibit private parties from voluntarily opting to have the agreed-upon terms of their post-termination contact included in the termination decree and/or subsequent adoption order, if both parties wish to do so...? <br /><br />Elizabeth Jurenovich, MS, LCPAA, LPC, LMFThttp://www.abrazo.orgnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-88192404859217580952014-10-01T20:59:48.843-04:002014-10-01T20:59:48.843-04:00and I would add to this..that all the negotiation ...and I would add to this..that all the negotiation in the world can take place with the agency and anyone can say what they want but no legal right will not be enforced <br /><br />My son adoption was in the state of Texas (28 years ago) with promise of open meaning letters, pictures and small amounts of face to face. not one time did this ever take place NOT ONE. I hear stories of this still taking place today.<br />I knew the people that had my son. I knew first names, I spent time with them during the last of my pregnancy, they were in the delivery room. I figured out after they had him they and the agency lied to me to get my son, so as the years went by my fear was if they lied to a mother to get a baby what kind of people are they really. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-28719351827837143952014-10-01T18:08:07.846-04:002014-10-01T18:08:07.846-04:00In Texas, according to adoption attorney Gerald A....In Texas, according to adoption attorney Gerald A. Bates, open adoption agreements are not enforceable. http://www.txadoptions.com/OpenAdoption.html. Apparently, according to Bates, mothers can negotiate the amount of contact, including knowing the identity of the adoptive parents if they have a private adoption through an adoption attorney. Thus, can know who has their child even if they cannot enforce the agreement. If mothers use an agency, the agency dictates the terms of the agreement, typically that contact is through the agency only.<br /><br />Mothers considering adoption need to be aware, not only in Texas, but throughout the country, that they can negotiate the terms of an open adoption agreement. If they don't like what the agency is offering, they can go to another agency or attorney. Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-20240699775579724562014-10-01T13:06:41.997-04:002014-10-01T13:06:41.997-04:00This is one reason I don't like when adoptions...This is one reason I don't like when adoptions are classified as "open" when both parties don't have some kind of contact info. Relying on an intermediary for this is fraught with so many issues because there is no regulations or requirements, and when an agency closes, this is precisely what happens. <br /><br />The fix for this is to not seal away OBCs and also have legal contact after adoption agreements that either occur with both parties having all the information necessary to contact each other, or a reliable intermediary that is unbiased and not capable of closing and disappearing (it would have to be some sort of government agency, I would imagine).<br /><br />The selfishness of those involved never fails to amaze me....Tiffanynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-55018851575136871792014-10-01T12:44:38.025-04:002014-10-01T12:44:38.025-04:00Not one FREAKING thing has change.
makes me sick t...Not one FREAKING thing has change.<br />makes me sick that nothing has changed for so many years..Like i tell everyone Open Adoption is an adoption term not a legal term, no matter what the agencies say Lies Lies Lies <br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-39074275797477837052014-10-01T08:47:13.606-04:002014-10-01T08:47:13.606-04:00This is so sad. Missed opportunities. I had a si...This is so sad. Missed opportunities. I had a similar situation in the UK where Adoption services (a government run department) failed to pass on my details to my daughter (they were lost somewhere) and she was unable to find me. They have since found the information but it may be too late!!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13701182073621848954noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-6887718268961222902014-10-01T07:35:25.803-04:002014-10-01T07:35:25.803-04:00Once again.... why can't we be honest? Forward...Once again.... why can't we be honest? Forward the letters as is and let the adults involved decide among themselves how to proceed . If the adoptee is young, can't both sets if parents come to a reasonable decision ? Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-44911526901084684672014-10-01T00:45:22.889-04:002014-10-01T00:45:22.889-04:00Not that easy. What if different parties want diff...Not that easy. What if different parties want different options? Theodorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14634057445114838262noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-935235463840359102014-09-30T20:54:57.757-04:002014-09-30T20:54:57.757-04:00That is so sad...for everyone. It is rare that an ...That is so sad...for everyone. It is rare that an adoptee is always completely happy and wishes no contact with their first parents. It is also rare for a first parent to not regret their decision and not long for contact with their child. It is also rare that many adoptive parents feel comfortable with the idea of their children seeking out their first parents. I see heartbreak all around this dynamic<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com