tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post5189514564072128810..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: In the Sixties: Was I 'forced' to give up my baby?Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger23125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-811553096142747882012-05-24T20:02:21.073-04:002012-05-24T20:02:21.073-04:00I'm a first mother from the late 90's and ...I'm a first mother from the late 90's and also an adult adoptee. I hate to say it, but not much as changed since the BSE. I hid my pregnancy until I was in the hospital. One call from my dad to Catholic Charities (in his defense, he honestly didn't know what to do to help me) and they were on me like white on rice to relinquish. When I see the posters from places like Bethany touting how you can graduate from college if you only give up your baby, I want to vomit. 14 years later, I regret that day with all of my heart and am having trouble enjoying my reunion with my own birthmother because of the guilt it brings up.AlmostNicholenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-38256138980885861072012-05-17T17:50:29.798-04:002012-05-17T17:50:29.798-04:00Thank you Robin and Kim. It certainly gets weariso...Thank you Robin and Kim. It certainly gets wearisome after awhile to read that some believe that we abandoned our children and did not want to raise them. Nothing could be farther from the truth.Gailnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-59144636217253093112012-05-17T13:36:00.063-04:002012-05-17T13:36:00.063-04:00I agree with Kim. It makes me sad when I read so m...I agree with Kim. It makes me sad when I read so many blog posts and comments from first mothers asking how on earth they could possibly have given up their child for adoption as if they were somehow weak. For those mothers of the BSE I can't imagine how you could have NOT relinquished your child. My n-mother was the last person on earth who wanted to give her child up and yet she did surrender me. This leads me not to believe but to KNOW that there were overwhelming social forces pressing on her.<br /><br />Also, I think when you ladies feel that way that you are forgetting what it was really like back in the day. There have been enormous social changes in society in the last 40 to 50 years. I think in general that there is a link between how much power women have in society and the number of adoptions. As the feminist movement affected society, as women's sexuality has been accepted, most 'unwed' mothers are keeping their babies.<br /><br />Besides, did you really think back then, when everyone was telling you that you were doing that right thing, that you would still be so affected by it 30, 40 or more years later? I bet not. From what I've heard, you were even expressly told that you would forget about this baby and move on. I doubt many of you realized what the long-term consequences of relinquishment would be (for you or your child). If you had and/or if you had had more support you probably would have made a different choice.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-60911488181814059202012-05-16T08:03:06.141-04:002012-05-16T08:03:06.141-04:00About the issue of "force". There are ma...About the issue of "force". There are many ways to manipulate a mother into giving up her child. Guilt is a very powerful emotion, so is the true and deep love of a mother. Being made to feel that giving up your child is the greatest gift you can give her is one way to "force" her to do this.<br /><br />In many ways the mothers who gave up their children were stronger than those who did not. <br /><br />It is not a question of weakness it is a question of manipulation, circumstance and misguided belief.<br /><br />Even to this day I can see that my daughter had an advantage to not growing up as a member of my family. Would I give her up all over again? No definetly would not but I can see that it was advantageous for her because she was not exposed to people literally stabbing themselves in the heart and dying....NEED I GO FURTHER??????Kimnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-12394019089071926452012-05-16T05:20:22.182-04:002012-05-16T05:20:22.182-04:00This is a first mother's forum, it's not a...This is a first mother's forum, it's not a place for the bored or the lonely to hang out and make triggering remarks to mothers. <br /><br />We know how it was and we know how it feels now. Being told that we were not srong enough or having other mothers be told that they really were not forced is abusive.<br /><br />If you insist on having people like Theodore hang about here then this is not a supportive environment for mothers.<br /><br />Jane really doesn't need to be told that she was weak and that it's her fault she lost her child to adoption.Kimnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-50189714650791181502012-05-06T15:27:48.476-04:002012-05-06T15:27:48.476-04:00Theodore, It wasn't that I wasn't tough en...Theodore, It wasn't that I wasn't tough enough to keep my baby. I have always been willing to defy conventions. I believed, though, that if I kept my daughter, no matter how hard I worked, how committed I was, I would never be good enough for her. I envisioned her as a teenager screaming "why didn't you give me up for adoption."<br /><br />I had been raised in a somewhat dysfunctional family and my father was largely absent. I knew I would have had many more advantages if my father had behaved better. I thought adoption would guarantee my daughter would have everything I didn't have and then some.<br /><br />I realized later how much my daughter missed. While not perfect, my mother was always there for us; she let us choose our own paths. She was highly educated and introduced her children to ideas, books, plays, music, and the cultural life of a big city.<br /><br />I had no idea of the affects of adoption on a child or of the amazing similarities between children and biological relatives. I thought (as I had learned in biology classes) it was all nurture, and no nature.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-30288672807192607962012-05-06T12:24:52.112-04:002012-05-06T12:24:52.112-04:00Falling down the stairs can, and did in this case,...Falling down the stairs can, and did in this case, induce premature parturation, as such the pregnancy is terminated, aborted, ended. <br />If that happens because one is pushed on the same day, the due date has been confirmed as being 8 weeks later during a medical check, it is not really a miracle that the child can survive this as well. Terminating a late term pregnancy does not always mean that the child dies.Theodorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14634057445114838262noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-65763871637677518762012-05-06T10:53:24.381-04:002012-05-06T10:53:24.381-04:00Theodore and Gail:
After finding your thoughtful ...Theodore and Gail:<br /><br />After finding your thoughtful and encouraging comments (encouraging for me to get the next rewrite done) I added this to the post:<br /><br />"What I regret today is that I was not more of a rebel, that I was not stronger, that I did not find a way to keep her. I have accepted it, yes, but this is a regret I will take to my grave." <br /><br />Because yes, I will always wish I had found more courage. Individuals react to being adopted in different ways--some seem to handle the disruption in their lives with greater ease, for some it is the tipping point. I feel my daughter falls in the latter case.<br /><br />Theodore, I got your meaning just right. But I have a question about the girl in the TV program you write about. You say the pregnancy was "terminated." If the baby died when she was pushed down the stairs, she did not then have a choice to make, whether to relinquish or not. Please explain.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-40687168506278090482012-05-06T03:23:21.025-04:002012-05-06T03:23:21.025-04:00I have been thinking a lot about this, so excuse m...I have been thinking a lot about this, so excuse my somewhat insensitive answer.<br /><br />Based on this text, you weren't forced, not more than a horse staying behind hot wire, because it has seen other horses touch it.<br />You (plural) were forced, but you do not seem to have been enough of a rebel, a maverick to crash into the fences, to find how strong they really were, people usually are not.<br /><br />In a Dutch TV show on adoption a few years back, they one very good witness of the maternity home adoption bussiness, she had gotten out with her baby, but it seemed she had been dealt a royal flush:<br />-As a foster child she knew how rotten growing up with non-bios can be.<br />-As a foster child she did not have to reckon in any way with her family.<br />-As the maternity home let pregnant girls take care of the babies waiting for adoption she knew that leaving her baby there was not unakin to leaving a dog in a dog pound.<br />-For the same reason she knew that she could take care of a baby.<br />- The husband material boy friend (not an adoption pusher), with his family mildly pushing for the maternity home.<br />- At 7 months her pregnancy was unexpectedly terminated by a maternity home staff member pushing her "accidentally" off the cellar stairs, mother and child both survived, but this scandal really strengthened her case.<br /><br />If that all was needed for a successful rebellion against a milder system, who could blame you? Thy wast not forced, ye were.Theodorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14634057445114838262noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-5164546202074710022012-05-05T21:16:39.080-04:002012-05-05T21:16:39.080-04:00Lorraine, I've actually read this post several...Lorraine, I've actually read this post several times as there was so much that I could relate to. You've written an excellent piece that captures the climate of the era. Those of us who lived the experience were forced to surrender by the guns of shame, poverty, and an overwhelming feeling of helplessness due to the lack of familial and societal<br />support.Gailnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-28165067673217811042012-05-04T09:20:20.382-04:002012-05-04T09:20:20.382-04:00Joyce, thanks so much.
We are sometimes told tha...Joyce, thanks so much. <br /><br />We are sometimes told that the blog ought to not offend anybody, but it is impossible for us to write the truth as we have lived it, is offensive to some.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-84861476607290374002012-05-03T23:43:27.196-04:002012-05-03T23:43:27.196-04:00"No consideration was given at all that a chi..."No consideration was given at all that a child might prefer to grow up with people who looked and acted like her." When I read this sentence of yours, I was reminded of the time when I and my 43 year old son, newly reunited, were talking and he said, "I understand how things were back in the day and I know you did the right thing, but still, it would have been nice if you had raised me." Well, all that I could do was hold his hand while a big tear rolled down my face, just as it is now, 9 years later. Thank you Lorraine & Jane for this blog and I hope you mend soon.Joycehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07340053197316626171noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-32331519185860648872012-05-03T19:09:48.409-04:002012-05-03T19:09:48.409-04:00For the number of hate the child adopters out ther...For the number of hate the child adopters out there, I am horrified. <br /><br />As a mother of the late 70s that lost a child to adoption, I can say that nothing had changed after Roe v. Wade when it came right down to being a single parent and under age.<br /><br />Try being a single parent and a foster child! That is a treat you can't miss! You have no rights, no family, no permanent home and your rights are severed while you are still too stupid to know what is going on.<br /><br />Coercion doesn't have to be from a single person.... it can come from society. And does, frequently.Lorihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05815710859859029536noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-23151965915633911092012-05-03T14:00:27.505-04:002012-05-03T14:00:27.505-04:00Lorraine,
You are so cute in that picture and I re...Lorraine,<br />You are so cute in that picture and I really see your resemblance to Jane.<br /><br />To answer your question. Yes, I believe you were forced. You don't need to have had a gun to your head to succumb to overwhelming social pressure.<br /><br />I feel especially sorry for those from decades after the BSE and after the sexual revolution. I think they would have an even harder time proving that they were forced. But as I have learned from so many of the blogs and comments, the coercion was still there it was just slicker.<br /><br />The more I learn about the whole history of adoption the more I believe that unmarried expectant mothers are simply used as breeders for infertile people.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-31364611758175157612012-05-02T16:28:20.853-04:002012-05-02T16:28:20.853-04:00Check out this disgusting website by nasy APs.
htt...Check out this disgusting website by nasy APs.<br />http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Hate-Adoption/402900Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-38940335009538001802012-05-02T09:59:28.935-04:002012-05-02T09:59:28.935-04:00I think what almost always come through in our sto...I think what almost always come through in our stories is someone made us feel unworthy of raising our own children. It doesn't matter if it was the 50's,60's,80's or today. Someone made us feel that there was only one choice. I let my daughter go in 1969. I would never make another Mother feel that her reasons need to be justified to me. In the end we did what we had to at the time. Most of us now realize that the decision was not the right one. <br /><br />We can never go back and do it over which is why it is so important for all our stories to be told. I have found that since reunion with my daughter that she has brought back to me the strength I lacked so long ago. Because of her presence in my life I have been able to break that silence that has hung over my family for so many years. I have told them the thruth about how it all felt and now even though I no longer have a relationship with some of them I move forward with no shame and the love of my daughter.Janetnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-11502279330277183352012-05-01T22:48:21.965-04:002012-05-01T22:48:21.965-04:00Lee, thanks for you post and yes I am trying to wr...Lee, thanks for you post and yes I am trying to write another book, fix my arm and not hurt it more and keep the blog alive.<br /><br />xxxLorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-3126595114535737072012-05-01T22:43:12.481-04:002012-05-01T22:43:12.481-04:00First - Lorraine - I wish you a SPEEDY recovery!!
...First - Lorraine - I wish you a SPEEDY recovery!!<br /><br />2nd - can't get that channel either - but I "see" that a couple of people are watching or finished watching! Any more comments and what they showed... please!! : )<br /><br />3rd - WOW! Your current blog post - talk about going back in time... yes, I too "went away" and had to give up my little girl. No choices whatso ever, plus she had a medical condition with her heart - and that's a LOT of $$$ that neither I nor my parents had! But I have found her! Just no reunion, yet - I still hold out for one!! LOL! And heart condition went away as got to her teens! Thank the Lord!<br /><br />Great post, Lorraine! Are you writing another book??Leenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-64922391431580291242012-05-01T22:36:40.417-04:002012-05-01T22:36:40.417-04:00Can't wait to see the Dan Rather special via i...Can't wait to see the Dan Rather special via itunes tomorrow! Anyway, I am also a first mom from 1985. I can completely relate to the BSE moms even though it had supposedly ended in the 70's. I was pulled out of my high school to attend "pregnancy school." No one except my Mom's mother outside of our immediate family knew of my "condition." I was sent across town to live with a foster family provided by my adoption agency (they were a Mormon family) although I didn't relinquish through LDS...it was a "Methodist" maternity home. Blech. On the occasion that I did return home for a family dinner or to visit, it had to be cleared first so that none of my brother's friends were over, AND it had to be under the dark of night, in my trench coat. (luckily it was still winter time or that would have looked rather suspicious...hm?) Once my daughter was born, my parents insisted it was time to move on and get back to "normal." I had one little polaroid picture of her taken just after delivery, and I carried it with me throughout the house...setting it beside me wherever I decided to sit. It made me mother SO uncomfortable and she asked me to put it away. IT WAS ALL I HAD!!! So, how is my experience much different from another 17 year olds just 10 years prior? Not a whole lot of difference I'd say. There was also a cheerleader from my high school that was a few months pregnant behind me. She also got sent away, although she didn't keep it a secret from anyone. Her parents still wanted her gone. I carry the shame to this very day. I carry the fact that I wasn't good enough for my own child. I'm a good girl. I ended up marrying her birthfather, and we're going on 26 years now. Why did I have to lose my first born?? It doesn't get any easier to live with.Amyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10115696612301521540noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-29229105886557320362012-05-01T21:10:53.016-04:002012-05-01T21:10:53.016-04:00Wow! Just finished the show - I still think it wa...Wow! Just finished the show - I still think it was pretty well-done - one really interesting part was his interview with a "clerical worker" who worked for years for an adoption agency who corroborated some of the mothers' accounts. While our words should be taken at face value, we all know that people want corroboration. Unfortunately, Claud's story from Musings of the Lame seems to have been edited out at this point - I was really looking forward to hearing her as she is from my era. I hope he'll do a follow-up - there certainly must be enough material for that - certainly more material left on reunion, modern-day coercion etc.. Troy Dunn, from the Locator was prominently featured too. One hour isn't enough!!!!!!!S.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-53795816303466965012012-05-01T20:33:01.481-04:002012-05-01T20:33:01.481-04:00Roni - I am a first mother from the late 80's ...Roni - I am a first mother from the late 80's and I agree with you that many of our feelings seem the same as from the Baby Scoop era. I didn't get sent away but at 17 had little options - my father told me that if I didn't surrender, he would leave us and divorce my mother whom I saw as relatively unable to function in the world without him. So my "selfishness" in wanting to keep and nurture my baby would ruin my mother's life. He was no bluffer and he knew just what to say. The agency counselor felt like my "only friend" at the time. Now I wonder how much of her interactions were prescribed by her training and a goal of my surrender. I am watching the Dan Rather show right now as we speak - maybe the first 15 minutes have passed. So far, it seems well-done.S.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-81486223684948189842012-05-01T19:21:44.133-04:002012-05-01T19:21:44.133-04:00I neverwas sent away in 66. I had already had firs...I neverwas sent away in 66. I had already had first baby. Then got pregnant again by same person. I wS forced to give my baby up by stepthing. Of course his <br />3 kids who had lost their mother to death weren't separated he made sure to keep his kids while forcing me to separate mine. Onfacty mom married this person and became mom to them while her own grandchild was being given away. How screwed up is that!!!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-85156848163495011132012-05-01T17:06:47.591-04:002012-05-01T17:06:47.591-04:00Hello, this is my firsdt post and I am a first Mot...Hello, this is my firsdt post and I am a first Mother from the 80's<br /><br />First I wanted to share that I read somewhere today that you can purchase the show from itues for 1.99. I would assume that would be after it airs. I was so sad when I realized that my cable company didn't carry it either, but at least we have a chance to watch it.<br /><br />I also wanted to add, that I have MANY of the same feelings and issues as Moms from the baby snatch era and I wasn't "sent away" and it wasn't kept a secret. Im the culture/community I was raised in I was told many of the same things first Moms who came before me were. It was devastating and changed who I am. I don't really know what I am saying exactly, except that I feel like because I am a younger first Mom that I have to continuously justify the why's of my situation...and I feel I was just as forced into it as anyone else was.<br /><br />Love your blog!! Keep up the good work!Ronihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17840068585299914747noreply@blogger.com