tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post530190716316708451..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: When a stranger writes to a first/birth mother asking for adoptee contact Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-26023551108699527912018-05-21T04:26:50.417-04:002018-05-21T04:26:50.417-04:00I am a free search angel and often write a slew of...I am a free search angel and often write a slew of letters to every address the parents ever had "Dear X family, I am helping my friend look for her mother, X, Father Y,". I've reunited well over 200 families in 20 years and only had one parent turn me down and I'll never be done trying - I just let it rest for a while and try again. I prefer to out the adoption or donor situation to the entire family first so that the parent can't keep my friend in an eternal limbo not telling siblings and other relatives that they exist. It's easier when everyone knows, even if it flips them out they wind up realizing that it's not the end of the world as they thought. I always say there is no 'bad time' to announce the existence of your son or daughter, is there a bad time to win the lottery? This is going to be fun, they adore you already, relax.marilynnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16636038698826761202noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-77683422842606759532017-12-21T18:03:36.878-05:002017-12-21T18:03:36.878-05:00From what I've heard anecdotally, first mother...From what I've heard anecdotally, first mothers make the best contacts for women in the closet. It may take more than a single phone call, but a mother whose walked the walk can best relate to another. But unfortunately it's not done that way. I also know a woman married to an adoptee who is a very sensitive CI and if she gets the two people on the phone at the same time, she will excuse herself so they can trade information privately, and exchange contact information without her being involved. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-24334254592414712042017-12-21T17:56:38.744-05:002017-12-21T17:56:38.744-05:00Good practice, Anon.
Unfortunately, some state la...Good practice, Anon.<br /><br />Unfortunately, some state laws require that state-assisted searchers (confidential intermediaries) that contact the other party to see if they want contact. If the other party says they don't want contact, the IM cannot legally connect them. The IM can ask the other party again but usually has to wait for a year or so. As Lorraine notes, IMs report that about the time the other party refuses contact. I have to think this is because it is so jarring to have a total stranger contact someone out of the blue. People are more likely to be responsive to their first mother or their child. Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-9716152833471959932017-12-21T10:17:22.213-05:002017-12-21T10:17:22.213-05:00I've helped a few people search and never did ...I've helped a few people search and never did I even consider making contact on their behalf (and they never asked). Glad this mother and daughter were able to get in touch either way and I wish all the best to them in navigating reunion. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-4846804523956833872017-12-21T09:19:29.384-05:002017-12-21T09:19:29.384-05:00To the crying birth mother;As an adoptee myself I ...To the crying birth mother;As an adoptee myself I understand your adopted daughters approach for first contact to you. The fear of rejection is strong. Thank you for contacting her back on your own. I bet she thought the same thing as you "wonder if this is some kind of scam?" when she read your message. I am glad you are at least open to providing updated medical information to her that is important for both her and any children or grand children she may have. I hope you will be eventually open to taking it slow and easy with baby steps towards getting to know your daughter. Also I hope you will tell her who her biological father is so that she may obtain the same information from him. If your daughter found you through DNA testing as so many of us do then I hope you will tell the people in your life currently about her they may be surprised to hear the news but better the news comes from you than you waiting to be "outed" by a close relative testing who matches her. Finally I hope this works out for the best for all concerned. Susanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17309616784284197694noreply@blogger.com