tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post5389431086500838026..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Natural/Birth Mothers who search and are rejectedLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger119125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-90430358446311693462020-07-20T19:19:21.643-04:002020-07-20T19:19:21.643-04:00I sit here writing still stunned that I would be s...I sit here writing still stunned that I would be saying these things let alone having taken the action against my birth daughter that I have for my protection from<br />her - the daughter I gave birth to and, unwittingly handed over to an adoption agency, to be raised by infertile stranger is I learned, no longer the same person I brought into the world. <br /><br />She is now by her words and actions, clearly a narcissist and an emotional vampire who has intimidated me and her sister, harassed us relentlessly and stalked me at my home. She is a psychological abuser and seeks to blame her life on my decision at her birth. I never imagined that I would require a no-trespass order against her and that two of my neighbors would ask me to contact them if she appears again. Unimaginable for me to fathom until a month following the so-called Covid event, that she has always perceived her innocent sister as blameworthy for her circumstances and accused both of us for withholding knowledge of her father! <br /><br />After my birth/first daughter found me and her sister 20 years ago, I thought, this would be our dream come true, and instead, could not have ended in a more bizarre fashion. Up until that time, we had attempted to find her and failed. It was heart breaking and sad to think that we would go thru life and not find my daughter. We wanted nothing less than to have her in our family. As it turned out she wanted nothing to do with me or her sister. It has taken many years to realize that she is deeply invested in her victim hood and has chosen to wallow in misery with the support of anyone who will listen to her abandonment by her mother. Over the span of 20 years I have accepted that she would not return my calls and randomly called every few years, but yet did not want to meet me or her sister .<br /><br />I prayed and hoped beyond hope that only if we give her space and time, she would possibly open up to love. She suddenly decided in April, 2020, as a consequence of the "plandemic" that she wanted to 'work' things out with me, but there was a glitch: she wanted nothing to do with her sister because in truth she resented that I had another child after giving her up for adoption. This to me turned out to be a no-win situation, and I said as much, particularly, that her adoption issues are not my burden to carry. In the beginning and for a long time I experienced nothing but pain, remorse, regret, and anger for most of her life after her adoption. If it were not for adoption groups that I was led to like First/Mother Birth Mother particularly, and others,I don't think the fog would have lifted, and the bitter realities of the adoption industry would not have been understood. I realized for the first time that only I alone could understand and forgive myself and that no one had the right to judge or punish me for any perceived injustice.<br /><br />She is now 51 years of age, and I can truly say that I have never met a more bitter, vicious, hostile, narcissistic, abusive, blaming, obsessively demanding person in my life. She has attempted to hack into my phone, has emailed me with numerous accusations. She has no concept or sympathy for my pregnancy by rape in 1968, and which would have made no difference in keeping her as it was not for this reason <br /><br />I have always totally supported Adoptees and First Mothers receiving their BC and any information that will help them locate their first family. <br />I am now rethinking my position from this personal, ugly, and cruel treatment by a first daughter. <br />I support your need as a mother to find the child you let go. Beware of reuniting with the child you gave birth to; this relationship could turn into a nightmare beyond your wildest dreams. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-85935645102841655612015-07-01T07:17:33.934-04:002015-07-01T07:17:33.934-04:00@ Tiffany
Thank you so much for your compassion a...@ Tiffany<br /><br />Thank you so much for your compassion and understanding.<br /><br />I wish so much that my son's other mother was like you. We would all be so much happier, especially my son who would not be pulled all ways and guilt-tripped to death.Cherrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-45545612152745285022015-07-01T07:12:28.131-04:002015-07-01T07:12:28.131-04:00"...Whatever the odds were, if that is not th..."...Whatever the odds were, if that is not the time to put up the fight of your life then what is? I don't know how else to put it, I was a newborn in the hospital. She and her parents left me there. Walk, run, drive, does it matter? However you want to put it, the end result was the youngest member of their family was left behind and they went on with their lives."<br /><br />There are so many assumptions in these sentences. Assumptions that were not true for me nor, I believe, for many others.<br /><br />The fight is an internal one, between head and heart, and has already been lost because most mothers like myself deeply want what they believe is best for their child.<br /><br />So being repeatedly told, by those with influence, that your child will be happier being raised by better people than yourself, and that if deficient little you keeps it you will ruin his or her life means the fight is internal, between what you want and what you believe you should do. <br /><br />In my own diary at the time, when I was 16, I wrote - while he was in the pre-adoption foster home - 'I want him back! He's mine!'. I wrote about how beautiful he was, how excited I was to see him, how much I loved his smell and everything about him. I wrote about telling the social worker this. And then I wrote about how selfish it would be for me to consign him to a hopeless life with a teenage mother like me when he had such an opportunity with people who had everything ready and had planned for him. Where do you think that last sentence came from? Can you see the fight here between head and heart? <br /><br />You have assumed there was no fight but there was a terrible and unwinnable fight and it has left wounds that do not heal.<br /><br />Someone once said to me: 'It's not just the events of your life you have to deal with, it's also the story you tell yourself about those events that you have to deal with too.'<br />That really struck a chord with me.<br /><br />The events I have to live with is that I lost my son to adoption when I was 16.<br /><br />The story I have long lived with and internalised, and now am working to overcome, is that I do not matter to my son and am of no consequence to him. <br />I learned this from my adoption experience all those years ago.<br />My son's words and actions say the exact opposite - everything he does says I matter to him greatly.<br /><br />Similarly he has a story he has to contend with, alongside the actual fact of being adopted. He was not unwanted or unworthy. He was not carelessly tossed aside. His mother, me, did not just go on with her life as if nothing had happened.<br /><br />I hope that one day the truth of our particular lives and feelings can be heard, unhindered by the well-worn narratives of adoption which, no matter what the evidence to the contrary - and this blog provides plenty - continues to obscure what really went on for us mothers. <br /><br /><br /><br />Cherrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-45820856183370940862015-07-01T05:57:36.273-04:002015-07-01T05:57:36.273-04:00I don't know Kaisa but maybe she cannot believ...I don't know Kaisa but maybe she cannot believe you've just accepted her because she cannot forgive herself.Cherrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-32888345405204032942015-07-01T05:53:08.149-04:002015-07-01T05:53:08.149-04:00@ Cindy:
Words like 'murder' or 'die&...@ Cindy:<br /><br />Words like 'murder' or 'die' don't reflect my experience at all and I find myself recoiling from such descriptions. <br /><br />Perhaps my use of the word 'crucify' has caused misunderstanding. I used that word to mean 'completely ruin'. As in: I believed that if I kept my son rather than give him up for adoption, I would completely ruin his life. That's what I meant.<br /><br /><br /><br />Cherrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-47234703992048644872015-06-30T10:19:45.102-04:002015-06-30T10:19:45.102-04:00Cherry you said it! Keep and murder your child by ...Cherry you said it! Keep and murder your child by the very act of wanting and keeping and trying to raise them... or give them up so they don't die. Some choice. It's not a 'choice' at all. (and some wonder why their natural mothers are "crazy".... oh, yes, what it does to the mind.) <br /><br />They (oh sorry) the '''''''''adoption machine''''''''''' does this!!! Truth...it's NOT a machine! It was and still is human beings. It is NOT a machine... saying that, is avoiding truth and fact and diverting responsibility which will NEVER change this monstrous practice as long as others are unwilling/unable to acknowledge the fact that it is human beings that make/allow this to happen. There is a big responsibility pie....many pieces... and when ALL the ''responsibility'' (fault/blame) continues to be cast on the mothers .................. It's no wonder that the practice doesn't change and the records are not opened AS THEY SHOULD BE. When will they wake up? When will ...no, adoptees cannot get with the program. They are the one (child) split in two... as in the story of Solomon and the two whores.. the one who's baby died and tried to LIE and say the baby was her 'born to' baby..... Solomon was going to split the child in two. Which is a lesson for all --FOREVER-- that is what is done when the baby is "split between two mothers". The (hurting)want to be mother and the true loving mother who will give up/ surrender/ """""abandon''''''''''' to the arms of another to save.......her ..........child's.......life. Threaten (in whatever fashion they choose to) the child's life and welfare (tell me that is not extortion and a 'holding for ransom'/kidnapping) and a loving mother WILL ''walk away'' even though it rips her heart to shreds and destroys her. Thank God Solomon USED the **wisdom of God** (which is the point that ends the story) and placed the baby BACK in it's MOTHER'S arms where the baby belonged. For the --child's best interest-- whether she was a WHORE or not.. the child belonged with it's true mother. Stop splitting children in two and creating a lifelong (for many) sense of abandonment because you (whomever) profit off the separation. Adoption is NOT in the best interest of the child. I don't want any of your (whomever) arguments about ''oh what about the children in this situation (poverty or less than ideal) or that country that is SOOOO _____(poor, whatever) they '''MIGHT"" grow up to be a prostitute or this or that. 1). you don't know that. 2). poverty does NOT make an unhappy (feeling unloved/abandoned) childhood. Other situations can have that effect.. like, you know, adoption. Which, by the very act of adoption (the transferring of """born to"""" status) requires a child to be 'abandoned' FIRST by their true parent/s (or abandoned by those controlling the parent/s.).... does it not?!<br />Does it or does it not require removing the true parent/s from the child's life? (or in many cases, removing the child from the parent/s life. Many of us had our babies ''walked away'' FROM us...by others.) See I don't think that "machine" cares though... cause hey, if you feel abandoned by them.... you'll be grateful to -these- parents. You will be 'loyal' to them. another win-win. Right? Cause the ''machine'' has calculated and processed all this information and come up with adoption is a win-win. ''Machines'' have no heart or feelings. That explains things.Cindy Aulabaughnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-62010821899487211862015-06-29T14:04:03.712-04:002015-06-29T14:04:03.712-04:00Kaisa, I love the way you think.Kaisa, I love the way you think.Cherrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-43736653197406694792015-06-27T11:04:20.983-04:002015-06-27T11:04:20.983-04:00Thank you for the advice. I do plan to contact my ...Thank you for the advice. I do plan to contact my sister eventually. My FM said she is waiting until her daughter finishes grad school to tell her. For now I will respect her timeline, but I will contact her on my own if she continues to put me off. I know there are many possibilities about my father but several pieces of info I've gathered make me believe that she knows exactly who he is. She just won't tell me. It is quite frustrating, but I am navigating my way through. Thanks again!GDeannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-42176743197720530522015-06-24T16:26:48.511-04:002015-06-24T16:26:48.511-04:00I was just going to suggest the same things Jane d...I was just going to suggest the same things Jane did. Finding other mothers after being reunited with my son saved my sanity and probably our reunion also. Good luck, I hope your mom opens her heart to you!Susiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15929169562563801608noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-58676129351861693932015-06-24T15:04:07.661-04:002015-06-24T15:04:07.661-04:00As a mother who told no one except my husband abou...As a mother who told no one except my husband about my lost daughter until she contacted me when she was 31, I can relate to your natural mother. She is likely totally isolated; perhaps she doesn't know any other natural mother (or doesn't think she knows any). She may never have read a book on adoption and has little idea of why you searched for her or why knowing your father is important. She may be angry at him; she may think you are being disloyal to her in wanting to know your father. She may feel that keeping you a secret is necessary to protect her raised daughter and their respectable middle class life style. <br /><br />In other words, your mother may be where she was at 16. She still believes what she was told then.<br /><br />I suggest you try to help your mother learn about adoption. When my lost duaghter contacted me, she gave me the name and email address of a natural mother she met online. That was a life saver! I emailed the mother, Judy, in Vermont. She told me about the upcoming American Adoption Congress annual conference in Seattle and sent me a list of memoirs by natural mothers and adoptees (which included Lorraine's book, Birthmark.) Living in Salem, Oregon, I had never known of any of this. I went to the AAC conference and met a woman from Oregon who told me about a Portland support group. I also learned about CUB<br /><br />Email your mother, tell her about FMF. Give her the AAC and CUB websites. Tell her about adoption books that you have found helpful . Through CUB, she may be able to find an email buddy to share her story with. Once your mother learns she is not alone and that telling her daughter about you will not destroy her, your mother may be ready to meet you and tell you who your father is.<br /><br />Let us know what happens.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-22732144113730766062015-06-24T10:44:24.984-04:002015-06-24T10:44:24.984-04:00Stories like yours make me totally crazy because i...Stories like yours make me totally crazy because it is soooo unfair to you. Who is she protecting? Only herself from the embarrassment of lying by omission. Blogger Jane had to tell her adult daughters about her first daughter, but they got over it and met their sister. Although this is controversial, you do have the right to contact your sister if you are ready to withstand a possible rejection. <br /><br />You might say..Is this a good time to talk. Gulp. Please understand I am not doing this to hurt anyone, or our mother but...I was born in X on X date to Name...She is afraid to tell you but I hope you can understand that I...really would like to know someone who is related to me...or something like that.I really would like to know you...I am a teacher, student, mother, bank president, etc. and indicate that you mean no harm, but simply want a family connection and that your life has been empty without knowing someone who is like you. Obviously you have met your joint mother and I would stress that she is afraid of telling her, your sister, but hope that she understands her fears and that you are taking a chance because you hope to know her. I would actually write out a script beforehand--or an outline--so it doesn't sound canned but so that you get all the points and reassurances in. This ain't going to be easy, but sometimes simply waiting is not enough. <br /><br /> There is no one way to get the information out. While many suggest letters, the anxiety of wondering if the letter got there, when it will be answered, what will happen...it seems to me outweighs the reasons to distance oneself via a letter. <br /><br />As for the father issue--it is highly likely she does not know who the father is and is embarrassed to tell you, or it is a family member and the same applies. <br /><br />Gosh, I know you are in a predicament, and moving forward will take some courage. Whether you do anything depends on your willingness to take a chance. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-43050600286049475572015-06-24T01:08:07.238-04:002015-06-24T01:08:07.238-04:00Adoptee here. Got my OBC when Illinois decided to ...Adoptee here. Got my OBC when Illinois decided to give adoptees a copy of their original birth certificate. That's when I found this forum which has been the best source of info I have been able to find even though I am an adoptee and not a first mother. My FM was 16 when she had me. She spent months in an unwed mothers home where she gave birth to me all alone. I spoke to her once and she was gracious enough to give me some medical and genealogical information. Although she refuses to give me any info about my father, I am grateful for the information that she did provide. In a few subsequent email contacts she told me that she told my grandmother that she heard from me, and that I am well. She also told me that other than her parents and her husband, no one knows of my existence. I offered to travel to meet her and she denied me because she fears that her adult daughter would find out that she has been effectively lying to her for all of these years. I respect her wishes and have not contacted my half sister although I have all the information necessary to do so. Yet, she refuses to tell me anything about my father even though this could provide my children and me with a more complete medical history. I feel that I have proven that I respect her need to "protect" her family, but she cannot do the same for me. I have done my research... Believe me. I know there a many possible reasons for her to react this way, but it doesn't make it any less painful for me. I suppose I just wait and hope that she comes around...What else can I do? Rejection goes both ways, as you know.GDeannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-4687256335187389652015-06-22T19:23:26.497-04:002015-06-22T19:23:26.497-04:00I am really sorry for your wife's lack of emot...I am really sorry for your wife's lack of emotional warmth, especially towards you, but having a hard time understanding what went on here.<br />Did you reassure her, at the time, that you would accept her son as if he was your own, because he was part of her and you loved her, and that you wanted to include him too - for that reason? Did you reassure her that you wanted to marry her anyway? Did you initiate and follow up on the search for her son with her explicit consent?<br /><br />It is possible that your wife's lack of emotional expressiveness has nothing to do do with lack of feeling, but more a temperamental thing. Like she is reserved and scared away by overt expressions of emotion. Not everyone is gushy, and not everyone who is gushy is sincere and honest. Life may have made her sceptical.<br /><br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-31137913268055807182015-06-22T14:33:21.858-04:002015-06-22T14:33:21.858-04:00I accepted it only due to my own ignorance of the ...I accepted it only due to my own ignorance of the damage it would do to her mind. The big red flag that I drove right by was calling my Sisters home (where she was staying) the day of the relinquishment and asking if she was OK. The answer was "Yes, we're chatting and doing the dishes". Very, very, sad. When I made the reunion happen 35 years later her son was beside himself crying uncontrollably, I hugged and comforted him while stood by without a tear in her eye. Lovely Lady, no emotions of any kind. I still love her and I can tell she loves me by the housekeeping, gardening, hard work, great cooking. Her mother who is 89 has the same total lack of emotion. Sad, very sad!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-10986603773678429592015-06-21T05:35:14.593-04:002015-06-21T05:35:14.593-04:00"My wife of 46 years VOLUNTEERED to give up h..."My wife of 46 years VOLUNTEERED to give up her two year old son to marry me."<br />And you accepted that? Would you have married her otherwise, or was it a condition you put on her? Like you couldn't/wouldn't have married her and raised her son as your own, which would have been the loving thing to do?<br />Either way, it sounds like you have both made your own beds.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-22488759350412063772015-06-15T17:33:21.873-04:002015-06-15T17:33:21.873-04:00Maryanne wrote: 'My unplanned child was never ...Maryanne wrote: 'My unplanned child was never unwanted. I never will regret having him, he is a credit to the world'.<br /><br />I feel the same about my son. I feel that both my life and the world itself are blessed by having him in it. He was never unwanted, my pregnancy was just unplanned and I did not have the support I needed to mother him myself. <br /><br /><br />'What I regret is losing him to adoption, due to post-partum depression and my inability at the time to plan or say no to what others suggested, then pressured'.<br /><br />Again, I agree with Maryanne.Cherrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-83177274892203137562015-06-15T17:17:03.001-04:002015-06-15T17:17:03.001-04:00I was told, as a 16 year old, that keeping my baby...I was told, as a 16 year old, that keeping my baby would ruin his life.<br />I was told that giving him up for adoption would secure him a fantastic life.<br /><br />There were absolutely no doubts about either.<br /><br />That's how I could leave him behind in a pre-adoption foster home.<br /><br />You think I just 'walked away'?<br />You think that was easy?<br /><br />I was no different to any other mother.<br /><br />Can you POSSIBLY imagine what that does to a mother's mind to have those - and only those - two 'choices' put in front of her? <br />Keep and consequently crucify your child.<br />Or lose him forever and he will be happy.<br /><br />It is a form of torture. As is the lack of understanding, compassion and empathy from then on, from everyone. Cherrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-24486779457832458582015-06-14T13:19:31.194-04:002015-06-14T13:19:31.194-04:00Most excellent forum. I have been reading for hour...Most excellent forum. I have been reading for hours in the hope of finding out who the hell I am married to. My wife of 46 years VOLUNTEERED to give up her two year old son to marry me. Being 22 and knowing everything, she was able to trap me into marriage. She has never shed a single tear in the time I have known her. The emotional damage is truly horrendous. Is this Lady a b-i-t-c-h? ABSOLUTELY NOT. She is a great homemaker, good with money, hard worker, still fits into her wedding dress but simply has zero emotion. If she is asleep when I come to bed she will turn her back toward me without waking. I ache inside every day and even after all these years I fantasize that she will fall in love with me.Married to a Birthmothernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-58095698750361213022015-06-10T20:14:30.694-04:002015-06-10T20:14:30.694-04:00"I will die WITH my children" is a scary..."I will die WITH my children" is a scary statement. Lots of distraught mentally disturbed parents who felt that way carried through with the threat, usually in contentious divorce cases. The other part of that idea is "if I can't have my children, nobody can", and "if they are not with me, we are all better off dead." Murder/suicide is never a good solution. Watch your metaphors, this one is really ugly.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-17976243477598613672015-06-10T16:49:00.872-04:002015-06-10T16:49:00.872-04:00thanks maryanne!! :) <3 xoxox :)thanks maryanne!! :) <3 xoxox :)Kaisanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-27042013829593852722015-06-10T16:45:47.705-04:002015-06-10T16:45:47.705-04:00Thanks Susie :) as she opens up more maybe we will...Thanks Susie :) as she opens up more maybe we will talk about these things, i hope :)Kaisanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-78928452662914073712015-06-08T16:07:28.345-04:002015-06-08T16:07:28.345-04:00Kaisa ~ if not for finding other moms on the www, ...Kaisa ~ if not for finding other moms on the www, I probably would have had to go back into denial just to mentally survive life after reuniting with my son. If your mom hasn't found a support group or writings by other natural moms, please suggest this to your mom. I hope she finds a way to open her heart to you soon.Susiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15929169562563801608noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-52368750363285446242015-06-07T12:13:41.223-04:002015-06-07T12:13:41.223-04:00Here is another thought to be thrown out there.......Here is another thought to be thrown out there..... I would die for my children. I was told that as a single young mother if I keep my son there was a high chance that my son would be destroyed, become criminal, and or delinquent. This in my mind at the time was very similar to me giving up my life for his. They used my love for my son against me and him. <br /><br />This is the adoption propaganda. Happened in the late 90's and is still happening currently.<br /><br />I know better now. Seriously, I am not fooled by predictions anymore, that are driven by religious, political or other evil motivations. Now, instead of, "I would die for my children", it is "I will die WITH my children" before ever departing from them again.<br /><br />I am not being stoic or dramatic. I will not be fooled again, and I for damned sure will help other women from falling prey to the very same. It is very similar to fighting big tobacco. A lot of money to be lost if you fight for the rights of the natural family and adoptee equality.<br />BJanenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-30252130542184892672015-06-07T07:54:50.339-04:002015-06-07T07:54:50.339-04:00Another factor in anger at the adoptee from the mo...Another factor in anger at the adoptee from the mother could be jealousy of the adoptive parents, and feeling that the adoptee, who is stuck in the middle, is choosing them over the natural mother. This can come from the adoptive parents side too, if they demand loyalty and the adoptee does not comply. Either parent trying to be the one REAL parent puts a lot of pressure on the adoptee to "choose my side" and when the poor adoptee does not, anger can result, making a bad situation worse. Jealousy is never a good thing.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-76641175433609393712015-06-07T07:44:19.499-04:002015-06-07T07:44:19.499-04:00Anon 4:48 pm wrote:"It must be very hard to f...Anon 4:48 pm wrote:"It must be very hard to feel you were wished out of existence by your own mother before you were even born."<br /><br />I was very much wished out of existence by my natural father before I was born and it is very hard. Although it would have been even worse had it been my mother.Robinhttp://www.allinthefamilyadoption.comnoreply@blogger.com