tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post5601464542794391487..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Is the Adoptee/(birth) mother reunion ever (re)solved?Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger107125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-46527162950658459642011-12-12T18:31:59.835-05:002011-12-12T18:31:59.835-05:00Thanks Robin,
Your comment and thoughts are wel...Thanks Robin, <br /><br />Your comment and thoughts are welcome, I want to hear from everyone, how they feel and what they think.<br />As far as the "birth Daughter" there was nothing met by the term at all, I guess I didn't want to confuse any one when I was explaining that she is not an adopted daughter, some times in reading other posts, I was getting confused with birth and adopted mom and birth and adopted children. I was just trying to keep it clear. I have never referred to her that way outside of this blog, sorry for the misunderstanding.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-90715903983137241342011-12-12T17:02:28.526-05:002011-12-12T17:02:28.526-05:00Anon 3:51 & 12:25,
I agree with what both Jenn...Anon 3:51 & 12:25,<br />I agree with what both Jenn and Lorraine said. I did want to mention though that something that sticks out to me in your comments is the use of the term "birth daughter". That is not a term one encounters frequently here at FMF. I am certain you didn't mean anything by it but it sounds like adoption industry speak to make the mother feel that her child is not really hers. I know that if my natural mother had referred to me or thought of my as her "birth daughter" (as opposed to just her daughter) it would have been off-putting to me. I am not saying this has anything to do with what happened in your reunion just that I noticed it.<br /><br />Also, I am sorry that your agency led you to believe that you would definitely have a relationship with your daughter when she became an adult. This seems like another one of their techniques to get young mothers to surrender. If you read the November 18th post, "Thinking of placing your baby for Adoption" the paragraph right before LEGAL MATTERS covers this very issue.<br /><br />I also think Cassi's blog, Adoption Truth, would be helpful to you. It is not easy reading but it covers many of the issues of how agencies operate and just by reading your comments it sounds like you still have the mindset they instilled in you.<br /><br />It is so sad that so often one member of the mother/child pair is interested in a relationship and the other is not. Most stories from what I've heard, however, are the adoptee searching and then being rejected by the first mother.<br /><br />I am an adoptee not a first mother so maybe I have overstepped my bounds on this but just thought I'd add my two cents. I hope you can find some help and some peace in your situation.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-42836603419930936392011-12-12T12:25:26.684-05:002011-12-12T12:25:26.684-05:00Jenn and Lorraine,
Than you both for your insight...Jenn and Lorraine, <br />Than you both for your insight, your both have very valid feelings from two perspectives. I appreciate them both, Lorraine, I am glad you can understand, being a birth mom your self, how I feel, I have never been able to speak to anyone who understood my feelings.<br />I know how I feel, I don't know or understand how my birth daughter feels, but I understand that she is completely entitled to her feels and I respect that. She does not have to accept me or my love, she maybe feel hurt or rejected, unfortunately, I do not know so I don't know how to proceed. Having feelings of being abandoned or no feeling at all towards me is ok, it is what I have to except and I know it's her choice to voice those feeling towards me, what I am saying, is in order to respect her wishes, I need to know her feelings. After communicating for almost 3 years and all the letters are wonderful letters, to just stop is a little hard for me to understand, I think it would be had for anyone to understand. And I know that I chose to contact her, but she chose to correspond for me all this time. <br /> If I understood why, I would know if the right thing to do is to leave her alone or to continue to contact her. She does, in fact answer my little notes I occasionally write, so I am throughly confused. A big part of me wants to say I need to leave her alone and let her live her life but another part of me says, you don't give up on your child. <br />I was also very young when I gave her up, and of course I was told a reunion was possible when she turns 18, please remember, I was a teen myself, and all I heard was that I will get to see my daughter again. <br />I feel at this point is I need to be able to heal and go on with my life and I am not sure how to do it. I am having a very hard time coping. I thought, If I spoke to a few people in the same situation as me, they could share some in site.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-54538731169374364632011-12-12T11:47:26.294-05:002011-12-12T11:47:26.294-05:00Jenn: I know what you say is true--some first moth...Jenn: I know what you say is true--some first mothers can't tell everyone about the found child, but expect the child to be understanding. We do get it that the emotions that adoptees experience at reunion and after are massive and hard to deal with; from our side of the coin, the emotions are just as massive and we hope for forgiveness and thrill when the reunion goes well. Then being rejected is a kick in the gut that is just as massive. We can't undo what happened, we hope there can be a going forward, but the psychological damage is so great that it's often not possible. You hurt, we hurt too--whose suffering is worse? Impossible to answer. <br /><br />This is why we are so adamantly against adoption, closed or open, unless there are mitigating factors (sexual abuse/death) that are enormous. Adoption sucks for both parties, the mother and the relinquished. It's a lifelong sentence that is never set right.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-42859726885486125912011-12-11T23:00:52.629-05:002011-12-11T23:00:52.629-05:00@ Jane,
Thank you for the advice, I am new to re...@ Jane,<br /><br />Thank you for the advice, I am new to researching help/information. This the first blog I have found with helpful information. <br />I will do as you say, it will be hard, I do not write often, maybe once a month but just a line or two. I thought it would be bad to stop all together, I thought she may feel like I gave up on her again. <br />I guess there is really nothing more fore me to do, I am sad to hear that this is not uncommon, I really feel for other Birth moms out there that have their heart broken like mine, a heart filled with so much love for their birth child and not to receive the same love back.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-8261160372502433942011-12-11T22:36:57.896-05:002011-12-11T22:36:57.896-05:00What you've written is, sadly, not uncommon. A...What you've written is, sadly, not uncommon. Adoptees pull away without explanation, perhaps unaware that they are breaking their mother's heart.<br /><br />Ok, i dont feel that's fair, adoptees pull back, so do birth mothers, and this adoptee didn't search, it is within her rights not to have a relationship, she didnt just disappear she gave an explanation. Mothers may not realize that our hearts are broken when they leave at birth. I feel that statement is unfair because once you give your child up you arent guaranteed any kind of relationship, you dont know how they will be raised, emotions, etc. the adoptee owes no one anything, half the time we were given up with no explanation left for us. (However, i think that it is the right thing to do to try and explain what is going on before one just dissapears/needs break). This is key in preventing unnecessary adoptions, inform potential birth mothers that you arent guaranteed a relationship,<br /><br /><br />I just feel that some moms feel that they can dictate who knows about the adoptee, when, how much communication. But if an adoptee decides they can't handle the emotions (which are massive) it is an awful thing. Dont expect a typical relationship with what we have been through (all of us moms and kids) this is different because of the trauma experienced because of adoption (the agencies must love this, they make all of the money, but we live with the cost for a lifetime)jennhttp://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=518082724&ref=tn_tnmnnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-12888443192381789502011-12-11T19:36:44.428-05:002011-12-11T19:36:44.428-05:00Anon,
What you've written is, sadly, not unco...Anon,<br /><br />What you've written is, sadly, not uncommon. Adoptees pull away without explanation, perhaps unaware that they are breaking their mother's heart.<br /><br />I encourage you to join a support group. If you can, attend an American Adoption Conference or a Concerned United Birthparent retreat. <br /><br />I might suggest that you cut back on your emails to your daughter and try to focus on other aspects of your life. <br /><br />Take care.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-15243282501707984872011-12-10T15:51:11.104-05:002011-12-10T15:51:11.104-05:00Let me start by saying I have been searching for a...Let me start by saying I have been searching for a blog/place I could relate to birth mom/birth children for so long. I have read through so many of your stories as I have been looking for answers to my story and can't seem to find anyone in my life who has gone through the same experience as me let alone be able to help me understand my feeling and those of my birth daughter. <br />I gave a beautiful baby girl up for adoption over 25 years ago. It was not an easy decision as I am sure you all must understand. I had a great, loving family who believed they were helping me do the right thing for me and my child. The birth father and I were still together and continued to stay together for many years after the adoption. I went to college, married a little later in life and have two young children now. (not the birth father, however we are still in contact)<br />3 years ago my very best friend and my mom encouraged me to try and make contact with my birth daughter. It took me a little time and a little searching to find her but I did. I went through an agency to begin with so I had to go back through the agency to find her. I wrote a letter to her, including her parents introducing myself, pretty standard. In no time at all we were writing regularly, I was so happy. I never heard from her parents and she did not talk much about them only that they are a close family and she had a great childhood and never wondered why she was adopted. She was very friendly in her letters but no sign of feelings at all, i tried to express some but did not get the same from her. during the time we wrote back and forth, she had gotten married and a little over a year later, she lost her mom. I felt so bad for her, she lives very, very close to me but we have still never met, we had been writing for over 2 and a half years at this point. <br />Things started to look up, we finally exchanged numbers, texted a little, and finally had one quick conversation on the phone. It went really well, very casual. Then all of a sudden all communication stopped. She said her feels have changed towards me and that she no longer wanted to talk to me, that she was sorry and did not want to hurt me but that is just how she feels. I thought, maybe she needed time to mourn her mom it had only been several months since she lost her. I told her that I would never give up on her, that I will always be here, she can change her mind any time and I will be here. <br />I continue to send little "thinking of you" e-mails every month or so to her, she has not told me to stop and every once in a while she will send a quick thank you. <br />I guess I don't understand how we were starting to make "great" progress then all of a sudden, things changed so much for her. I realize she is a young girl who has been through soo much for a young girl. I feel like there is so much more to her story and I have no clue what to do. <br />I miss her so much and thought by now almost 3 years later, that we would at least have met. I long to be in her life but do not want to loose her by being to pushy, I fear I have already done so. <br />I think that I was doing the right things then wonder if I did, I want her to so much be a part of my family, I want her to know how much she is loved and that she has a wonderful extended family here for her. When I wrote to her, I did not try to overwhelm and scare her with this info but to carefully let her know we are here for her when she is ready. <br />I am really not sure how to proceed, I hope someone may have some advice they can give to me, birth moms and birth children advice would be great.<br />I really suffer emotionally, but I keep it in, no one can truly understand my hurt and It's near impossible to explain to anyone. If her and I are not met to be friends/family, I would love to be able to come to terms with it and slowly get over the hurt, again.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-73830699517451333592011-12-05T21:16:19.313-05:002011-12-05T21:16:19.313-05:00@Michelle
I hope it works with you and your first...@Michelle<br /><br />I hope it works with you and your firstmother. It gives me hope that my son will want to work things out with me someday. I want more than anything to be in his life. I missed out on so much. He is 15 now. I realize he will be so busy growing up these next few years. The adoptive parents do not want him to speak to me. I hope he will try to get to know me when he is 18.LeahCoreyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02810201641968032304noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-32483359121462189972011-12-05T17:23:52.544-05:002011-12-05T17:23:52.544-05:00Thank you Leah. You are very compassionate. I wa...Thank you Leah. You are very compassionate. I want very much to understand my mother, but she's very guarded. You help give me insight into her motives.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-60464309621927287762011-11-30T17:35:47.322-05:002011-11-30T17:35:47.322-05:00I don't think any of those adoptive parents re...I don't think any of those adoptive parents read this blog--the kids are in college or...NOT...but I will have to disguise anyway.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-68430080135952770732011-11-30T16:06:44.227-05:002011-11-30T16:06:44.227-05:00Lorraine wrote:
"And then I hear from friends...Lorraine wrote:<br />"And then I hear from friends of friends (who have adopted): Why didn't anybody tell me? They are talking but the myriad of problems that crop up after the cute baby years."<br /><br />I think this would be a fascinating topic for a blog post. Obviously, without any identifying information but just the generalities you have observed.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-21762746881749137592011-11-30T13:48:44.337-05:002011-11-30T13:48:44.337-05:00Opps.
Sorry about not posting these last several...Opps. <br /><br />Sorry about not posting these last several comments sooner. Automatic posting was set up for posts less than seven days old, and neither one of these noticed the comments awaiting moderation.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-15980064224546257342011-11-30T10:55:35.658-05:002011-11-30T10:55:35.658-05:00Quoting Leah, "The pregnancy was physically e...Quoting Leah, "The pregnancy was physically exhausting, too. I think at the time I had forgotten about how I am when I'm not pregnant. I'm a go-getter type of person. After healing from the pregnancy, I would have had a job in no time!!"<br /><br />I think pregnancy is the most vulnerable time in a woman's life. The worry, hormones, physical changes all lead us to needing strong support and encouragement rather than refusals to help and negativity. Sadly, many families and society in general would prefer to ignore the needs of a vulnerable mother-to-be and descend on her with derision and scorn.<br /><br />Leah, please keep visiting here, this is an amazing group of supportive mothers and adoptees! We do have our moments of disagreements and misunderstandings but in the end this is a great place to learn how to cope with adoption's many complexities.maybehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07067284504038707207noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-41802147066879230822011-11-30T02:21:11.103-05:002011-11-30T02:21:11.103-05:00@ Michelle
"She had called my children wimps...@ Michelle<br /><br />"She had called my children wimps, slackers and said my son was stuffing his big mug on thanksgiving!"<br /><br />I have a grandma that pops off at the mouth like that. She has this military style about her where she thinks if she "tells it like it is," we will benefit from her criticism. I have no doubt my grandma loves me, though. I just laugh at her and tell her to cool it or something.<br /><br />You, on the other hand, are just getting to know her. You might be skeptical of her intentions. She might feel like she has no power and is in some way turning into a drill sergeant all of a sudden. She may not know her place in your family. <br /><br />"She sometimes texts me and tell me that she's with people who really love her. I'd love to hear from any moms who understand this."<br /><br />I'm hoping she is just having a hard time expressing how she really feels. Maybe she really means that she is with people who understand her. She sounds like a tough cookie! <br /><br />She probably is a little kitten on the inside, but she feels she needs to come across as hard and tough or maybe the experience of the adoption made her hard and tough; and it is difficult for her to trust anyone with her real feelings.LeahCoreyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02810201641968032304noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-25326295480979300822011-11-30T01:57:13.877-05:002011-11-30T01:57:13.877-05:00@MICHELLE
You mentioned your mom saying that you ...@MICHELLE<br /><br />You mentioned your mom saying that you must have had some great fantasy mom but it isn't her. That sounds to me like her insecurity coming out. <br /><br />I know with my situation -- feeling swindled by an adoption agency and pressured by my parents to give up my child -- it made me soooo insecure about myself. <br /> <br />And her saying she's not gonna cry, maybe she meant she has cried so much that she almost can't anymore. I've gotten to that point before, cried all my tears to the very last drop.LeahCoreyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02810201641968032304noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-38748483730025910102011-11-30T01:21:17.074-05:002011-11-30T01:21:17.074-05:00I hope my son realizes that any hurt I caused him ...I hope my son realizes that any hurt I caused him was not deliberate. I, in fact, thought I was saving him from a world of hurt that he would have if I raised him. I NEVER thought I would be a bad mom. I just was made to believe by society and life experiences and elders who had children but were running an adoption agency that people with money can offer my child more. The mindset of an 18 year-old and a 34 year-old is so different. I realize now a child could be happy living in a treehouse as long as mom is there and happy, too.LeahCoreyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02810201641968032304noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-40801348144896848962011-11-30T00:57:39.129-05:002011-11-30T00:57:39.129-05:00In my naive thinking when I was 18 and abandoning ...In my naive thinking when I was 18 and abandoning my child, I didn't think of it as abandonment forever. I was thinking of the immediate situation, that my child needed the "things" I could not give it. But I also -- because I was young and naive -- thought, as I looked at the birthparents before I gave my child to them, that they will never take my place. He is my blood. I love him no matter what. I love him sooo much that I am willing to miss out on his childhood so that he can have a "stable" home and "things". My naivety had me thinking I will find him the day he turns 18 and take him back and he will understand completely and we will be a family. I really had visions of busting down the door and saying, "Okay. Come with me." and to the aparents, "You can back off now. He's mine." Now, 15 years later, having another child that I am raising, I'm realizing it won't be that easy to take him back from the parents who raise him. I NEVER thought of the possibility that he might hate me or disrespect me for wanting him to have the things that I could not give him. Now that I'm older and seeing that the daughter I'm raising now could care less about things and really wants my love and attention, that's when a lot of regret sets in for the loss of my son. If I had only known what is really important in raising a child at that time, I would have walked out of the hospital with my baby in my arms, told everyone where to shove it, and walked all the way to a shelter or some place where people aren't "against" me and wanting to make a profit.LeahCoreyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02810201641968032304noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-31732641390476704792011-11-29T21:14:26.465-05:002011-11-29T21:14:26.465-05:00Trina: It baffles me why any parents would want to...Trina: It baffles me why any parents would want to make "their" child feel worse by telling him that he was abandoned. Maybe that is the only way they can make themselves feel better...but how do they sleep at night? <br /><br />but we have learned here that relinquishment, no matter how it is done, registers to the adoptee as abandonment on some level. It takes a big heart to be able to get over that, and I salute the many adoptees who have.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-11853771498865855792011-11-29T21:04:46.177-05:002011-11-29T21:04:46.177-05:00and i am not trying to hurt feelings, just being h...and i am not trying to hurt feelings, just being honest. When I was given up for adoption I was abandoned. I didnt just walk out of the womb and down the hall. My mom chose to walk away from me. And that's different because some moms have coersion/lack of support/abuse/neglect etc I get that, its not like leaving your kid on a doorstep and there are ways to not rub mothers faces in it and that can border on abuse, but it is wrong not to realize how he may feel and expect to have a relationship. that may be how your son really feels and sees adoption. I think that letting him know what you went through might help, maybe opening the door to what you may have been treated like or the lack of support. But also realize that adoption reads as abandonment, even a coerced adption and dont take it personallyjennhttp://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=518082724&ref=tn_tnmnnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-49897923181458234462011-11-29T20:57:05.022-05:002011-11-29T20:57:05.022-05:00adoption is legal abandonment, don't diminish ...adoption is legal abandonment, don't diminish it. what would you call it? We have a right to feel abandoned! it may not have been a deliberate abandonment, but it was abandonment, his feelings are valid. Maybe it is strained because you refuse to acknowledge that...Jennhttp://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=518082724&ref=tn_tnmnnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-33072792918196284962011-11-29T16:46:56.045-05:002011-11-29T16:46:56.045-05:00Leah, your story is incredibly sad and highlights ...Leah, your story is incredibly sad and highlights what can happen when life-altering decisions are made when one is under considerable stress. I hope that your touching story will help people who are adopted understand that there is a strong possibility that they may not have been abandoned. My child has told and continues to tell others that he was abandoned at birth when in fact he was not. He knows that this is hurtful to me and I suspect it’s why he continues to say the things he says. Consequently, our relationship is very strained.Trinanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-39346419019970908642011-11-29T16:07:45.905-05:002011-11-29T16:07:45.905-05:00Thank you Robin, Lorraine, and Barbara for your ki...Thank you Robin, Lorraine, and Barbara for your kind words. I found this site yesterday. I know I was out of place in the discussion topic. I have never talked to anyone about the experiences of the adoption. Thank you for listening. This site is great! I haven't stopped reading! I didn't know this kind of blog existed!LeahCoreyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02810201641968032304noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-61991340066403842672011-11-29T16:02:45.945-05:002011-11-29T16:02:45.945-05:00Thank you, Robin, Lorraine, and Barbara for your k...Thank you, Robin, Lorraine, and Barbara for your kind words and your wishing for me to not beat up on myself. I know I commented kind of out of place on the subject of discussion. I just found this site yesterday. I didn't know this kind of thing existed. I've never talked to anyone about my experiences with the adoption. And now, I do have a little more to tell. I found my son on Facebook. I hope to talk about it soon. Thank you. I haven't been able to stop reading since I saw this site! This is amazing, a place to vent! Yay!LeahCoreyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02810201641968032304noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-65880844861033967452011-11-29T15:30:54.465-05:002011-11-29T15:30:54.465-05:00I find a lot of similarities to Leah's story,b...I find a lot of similarities to Leah's story,but I do not fault my parents There were 8 people living in our house and they were both working full-time just to feed us all When they said I could keep him, I tried to get my social worker to give him back She said we had to do "paperwork" first and months went by and it's too painful for me to talk about today I was in flashback mode all night(believe me, I know the difference between flashbacks and remembering) I was living in my car with just 5 dollars left(that I spent on a cheese omelette at Howard Johnson's) and as the saying goes, when people have nothing left to lose they lose it. I will restrain myself from telling the rest of the story here.My son wouldn't like it. But today I remember clear as a bell the names of all the major people from over 30 years ago. Cathy Sob...the social worker from Nassau County Dept of Social services, Marilyn Vig.... the social worker from Catholic Charities Steven Ros... my boss who called me into his office and fired me with a smile on his face but I'm trying not to cause myself more pain I'm basically a happy person when I get away from all the tv's,computers,etc and stick to listening to music and reading. But I keep coming back to FMF probably because I do see some purpose these stories can serve While I don't expect outsiders to understand, maybe some of the TV shrinks like Dr Phil and Dr Drew will realize how ridiculous their simplistic views of adoption and the effect on surrendering Moms and Babies isAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com