tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post5870383356130084197..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Nashville confronts real-life issues: When a girl takes after her daddyLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-12614834622264965052014-04-08T20:30:57.039-04:002014-04-08T20:30:57.039-04:00Oddly enough, Lorraine, when I was as adolescent I...Oddly enough, Lorraine, when I was as adolescent I met a Vietnam veteran who'd lost a foot in battle. And yes, indeedy, he'd actually been TOLD by some insensitive clot at the VA that lots of people have terrible things happen to them.<br /><br />"You didn't come home in a body bag, did you?" said the insensitive clot. "Get over it!" Fortunately, everyone (people of every age) at the party who heard the story responded, to my young mind, appropriately. Lots of head-shaking and incredulous noises, followed by back-slapping and "Can I get you a beer?"<br /><br />And later the veteran played his guitar and sang the loveliest version of "Nowadays Clancy Can't Even Sing" I've ever heard.<br /><br />Don't know what happened to the man. I only met him once, that summer night in Lake Havasu City, Arizona. But the anecdote ranks high on my list of Insensitive Clots Telling Wounded People to "Just Get Over It."<br /><br />With the unspoken subtitle, "'Cause I Haven't Got Time For Your Pain."MrsTarquinBiscuitbarrelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00479830264284065679noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-13411746395716717242014-04-07T09:29:45.527-04:002014-04-07T09:29:45.527-04:00Exactly, Lorraine. It is really hard to believe th...Exactly, Lorraine. It is really hard to believe that people say these things. <br /><br />My own adoptive mother has no feelings at all for my first mother. She doesn't see her as a mother at all....there is no sympathy there. She was a vehicle through which my folks "got" me. And it ended there.<br /><br />And I find these comments usually come from people who have never had anything happen to them. They never experienced anything like relinquishing a child, or being adopted, but they have all the answers. And they never shut up about it!!Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-60815748759741893792014-04-07T08:46:04.767-04:002014-04-07T08:46:04.767-04:00Julia Emily said 'I don't know how it is g...Julia Emily said 'I don't know how it is going to get straightened out.'<br /><br />I think the clarity and undeniable integrity of what we contributors here and elsewhere are saying is crucial to things changing.<br /><br />All of us who write here were once ignorant about the realities of adoption, despite all of us having extremely close experience of it. <br /><br />Yet we changed, I'm betting because we read something that opened our mind or helped us to understand. It may not have been one thing, it may have been many cumulative phrases that shifted our understanding (like small droplets of rain, inexorably carving huge caverns out of limestone). But it happened - few of us here are where we once were, in terms of our understanding, and now we know we will never go back.<br /><br />It is often so painful to have to read some of the mindblowingly ignorant (and often cruel) things that are said regarding adoption, but our response gives us an opportunity to put forward what it's REALLY like. Not everyone will listen or learn - many will defend their position because it suits them - but on the Internet, words reach far. And we are an articulate bunch here, whether through the precision or the passion of our words.<br /><br />Also, all of the huge movements for social change begin small, via individuals who just can't stand it anymore. I think we are those people. We have to keep talking, writing, expressing our reality.<br /><br />And I gain strength from each of you to do that.Cherrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-51671078186012904492014-04-07T08:24:40.299-04:002014-04-07T08:24:40.299-04:00What are first mothers told?
Other people have ...What are first mothers told? <br /><br />Other people have bad things happen to them too.....<br />(meaning: Get Over it.)<br /><br />I thought to myself, Gee, would you say that to someone who lost an arm in battle?Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-84277137199711306432014-04-07T04:50:59.312-04:002014-04-07T04:50:59.312-04:00@ Joanne: The comments you mentioned have been th...@ Joanne: The comments you mentioned have been thrown at me, too. Always from non-adopted people, who think they know it all.<br /><br />Those with the least information (and the smallest brains) always make the most noise!<br /><br />The "you could have been a abortion" thing really gets me going. ANYBODY could have been an abortion. That is not something peculiar to adopted people. But that's a famous line that I have heard many times. <br /><br />And, I'm afraid, the "adoption vs. abortion" crusade going on with the pro-lifers has adoption painted as the solution to all the problems in the world! And it is a tangled mess. I don't know how it is going to get straightened out.Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-24973202225347249932014-04-06T13:16:47.391-04:002014-04-06T13:16:47.391-04:00Joanne, thank you for sharing the link to your sto...Joanne, thank you for sharing the link to your story. I read it and was deeply saddened. <br /><br />Unfortunately, to this day, there are adoptive parents who are as secretive as yours were. What floors me, however, is that your adopted brother, who made contact with his own biological family, also decided to keep this information from you?!!! I don't understand that at all.<br /><br />I am glad you are now in reunion with some members of your first family, although I will continue to wish for a happy reunion with your mother as well. And "domino effect" is right, Joanne, that one act of adoption takes away true ancestry for generations to come. What a far-reaching loss. Thank goodness you managed to make some contact with first family members.<br /><br />So stupid for people to tell you to be happy you didn't get aborted! Seriously? The whole point of trauma for an adoptee is the fact that he/she got put into an unnatural life situation without their input (unless it is an older child, but that is rare in adoption). How does the question of whether or not your parents decide to abort you (again, not your choice) help you deal with the complexity of this important family choice that was made for you to live out the rest of your life?!! In fact, I recall my husband saying that in one of his ethics classes, he read a case where a man sued his parents for not aborting him. They were pro-lifers and he was born with some serious defects that adversely impacted his life. I don't know what the outcome of that case was, but clearly there are at least some who wish their parents had not given birth to them. I think there can be just as many reasons to be angry when you are given away to adoption and worse, not even given a chance to live the truth until you are 48 years old. Stupid, stupid retort, to tell you to be grateful you were not aborted. Jay Iyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01592280612055255470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-5736905563569060642014-04-06T10:16:26.578-04:002014-04-06T10:16:26.578-04:00Lorraine, you are absolutely right that people for...Lorraine, you are absolutely right that people for the most part lack introspection.... Just in the last week alone, I have been told that I could have been an abortion, that I did not know that I was adopted so therefore there should be no "trauma" in my life, and someone sent me a lovely poem {sarcasm} about how I grew in my mother's heart rather than her tummy....and this person had absolutely no clue what my relationship with my adoptive mother was. This is just one week of the un-feeling things that non-adopted say to us adoptees all the time. A day in the life of an adoptee. They would rather see us as the lone dissenter...an unhappy adoptee as the rarity because there is something wrong with them personally...and most definitely NOT the way adoptees really feel about being adopted. I feel that the more we educate, the more people will have to understand that this is not a minority of adoptees...that adoption is trauma.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17982845711163262353noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-4861773904031929332014-04-06T09:03:51.187-04:002014-04-06T09:03:51.187-04:00This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-46421646491978842712014-04-06T03:25:22.925-04:002014-04-06T03:25:22.925-04:00Hi Joanne: your story of discovering at age 48 th...Hi Joanne: your story of discovering at age 48 that you were adopted closely mirrors that of my friend. She was shattered. Her parents lied to her until the day they died. And it caused so many problems after she found out. Now she is basically alone, with none of her adoptive family wanting anything to do with her. They basically turned on her, for no reason that I could see. <br /><br />Your story, especially the way you describe your adoptive mother, makes me so upset, because I know exactly how your adoptive mother was thinking. And as hard as it is for people to believe, adoptive parents behave this way.<br /><br />My AP's at least told me I was adopted. They must have been told to do so, or I am sure they would have buried it. The way they handle the subject is just like you mother....they are very threatened and very worried that I might find out something or search for someone. It is the most frustrating thing in the world, and there isn't anything I can do to change them now.<br /><br />I am eager to read your story. Thanks for the link!<br />Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-19609855979228784052014-04-05T18:27:43.146-04:002014-04-05T18:27:43.146-04:00Joanne C, I really don't understand how people...Joanne C, I really don't understand how people can do these things to other human beings. It comes from a lack of introspection, or trying to understand what it is like to walk in another's shoes. Your story makes me shudder inside. I have never heard of a late discovery adoptee who wasn't shattered by the news of their origins. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-27500035006941034312014-04-05T17:16:38.472-04:002014-04-05T17:16:38.472-04:00Thanks, Jay and Julia. My story is very similar t...Thanks, Jay and Julia. My story is very similar to your friends, Julia. I found out at 48 also that I was adopted...2 years ago and 2 years after the death of my remaining adoptive parent. It has been horrible since. The sense of betrayal is exquisite...by my adoptive parents and adoptive brother who still to this say says he would do have continued to keep me in the dark had he to do it all again. My story was actually published on a website called "Secret Sons and Daughters". Even when confronted with the fact that I carry a genetic defect for Cystic Fibrosis, my adoptive mother chose to keep the lie going and instead told me to "ignore the result because it is probably a false positive". That might have had fatal implications for my children and future generations, but it was more important to her that I not find out my truth. Believe me, I know my adoptive mother's reasoning...she was petrified that I would search, find and love my first mother more...rather than understand the deep intrinsic need I had to find my truth. Here is the link to the story if you are interested: http://secretsonsanddaughters.org/2014/03/11/adoption-domino-effect/Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17982845711163262353noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-39943795539475061392014-04-05T15:21:58.611-04:002014-04-05T15:21:58.611-04:00MrsTarquinBiscuitbarrel, great story about David C...MrsTarquinBiscuitbarrel, great story about David Crosby and his son. "Nashville" playing out in real life! Only better, because the adoptive father initiated the contact. Jay Iyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01592280612055255470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-16146281962406796192014-04-05T13:40:41.552-04:002014-04-05T13:40:41.552-04:00Hi Joanne: My AP's certainly plan to take thi...Hi Joanne: My AP's certainly plan to take this secret to their graves. For the life of me, I do not understand why. So many years have passed, I have a grown daughter and a teenager...I am obviously not going anywhere. I feel like they don't trust me with my own information. Or, more like it, they don't respect me enough as an adult to be willing to discuss anything.<br /><br />I also have the amended BC problem....my filing date being almost 4 years after I was born. But I do not have an amended BC, so I just ordered a copy online and I am eager to see what I receive.<br /><br />Cherry: I will read that article ASAP. Thanks!<br /><br />And yes, my mother's comment upset me. I was not shocked, because this is the type of thing she always says. But, considering she knows my friend, and that I grew up with this girl and we are very dear friends, I was upset by it. Because whatever she says about my friend, in a roundabout way, is really meant for me.<br /><br />But, I have a lot of irons in the fire. I'm waiting for non-id, and now a copy of my amended BC. My husband and I are going to apply for passports, so I will have to somehow bring this subject up with my AP's. I'm a wreck, but this is more than I ever did before, and SOMETHING has to come out of this!<br /><br />I am intensely curious about "the girl". I wonder if she is still living, or is she gone, and how did she cope with this situation all these years?<br /><br />Thanks to everyone here, for listening and caring and sharing!<br /><br />Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-26472499413520348722014-04-05T13:15:46.940-04:002014-04-05T13:15:46.940-04:00While I am not a huge TV watcher, the fact that ma...While I am not a huge TV watcher, the fact that many shows are handling the issue of adoption at more than just a superficial level (for example, going beyond simply mentioning that a character is adopted without developing the story further) has not escaped me. I really hope this is indicative of an increase in public awareness of the complexity of adoption.<br /><br />I have mentioned before on this forum that one of my friends did not find out that her "mom" was really her step-mom until her wedding day. Her mother died in an accident when she was a toddler, her father remarried but never told my friend that it was a step-mother raising her. Throughout her childhood and adolescent years, my friend had lots of questions: why did certain relatives come to meet only her once a year and not her two younger siblings, why did her two younger siblings look like each other but she looked nothing like them, who was the lady in the photo she found in a box up in the attic, the lady who looked just like her? All her questions were silenced. The situation led to some very turbulent teen years for her, because she knew something important was kept hidden from her. Finally, things blew up on her wedding day, and the truth came out. Now, more than 20 years later, she seems to have arrived at some sense of peace with her family. But, as Joanne Currao commented, such trauma is unnecessary and detrimental to the adoptee (although my friend was not a formal adoptee, her situation was similar because she was missing a biological parent).<br /><br />As someone fortunate enough to have been raised by my biological parents, I appreciate how much the looks and other characteristics I share with them dictate how I conduct myself in life. It is vital to our existence and identity as human beings in many ways (even when you don't get along with your family), yet it is something we minimize. My adopted son has his mother's beautiful eyes, both his parents' athletic build, his mother's respectful nature, his father's fierce devotion to his own father (my son's grandfather), and so many other characteristics that I want to make sure he understands so he can better appreciate who he is as a person. He may not understand its importance when he is young, but I definitely think it will help him when he gets older. To deny who your child is is the ultimate rejection.Jay Iyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01592280612055255470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-81464624873518783592014-04-05T13:00:19.064-04:002014-04-05T13:00:19.064-04:00Lorraine, I am thinking of you and Jane on this da...Lorraine, I am thinking of you and Jane on this day. And your husband is right: you would have been--and were--a great mother.<br /><br />About biodads who reunite, in his recently published memoir, Graham Nash tells the story of David Crosby's successful and happy reunion with his son James Raymond. While playing the coffeehouse circuit around 1961, the Cros impregnated and ran out on a young lover.<br /><br />Several decades later, while awaiting a liver transplant, Crosby received a letter from his son's adoptive father. Not only have the mixed-family dynamics been harmonious, but Raymond, already a talented working musician, has played and recorded many times in recent years with his bdad and friends like Nash.<br /><br />It's almost more blessings than the old reprobate deserves, but I admire the afather for writing the letter in the first place, and it all seems to have worked out very nicely for not quite everyone: I haven't been able to learn a thing about James Raymond's mother.MrsTarquinBiscuitbarrelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00479830264284065679noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-78153937519430513862014-04-05T11:00:44.484-04:002014-04-05T11:00:44.484-04:00I have both of the issues of the two adoptees you ...I have both of the issues of the two adoptees you mention...my adoptive parents took my secret to their graves, and I then found out that I would not be able to get a passport because my Amended Birth Certificate is dated 2 1/2 years after my birth... No child should ever be kept in the dark about their beginnings...it should be discussed openly for their entire lives....they should most importantly be able to grieve, be validated, and supported in their decisions concerning their adoption and what they need for peace with it. To deny any of that, is detrimental to any adoptee.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17982845711163262353noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-82877496271339626922014-04-05T09:55:47.399-04:002014-04-05T09:55:47.399-04:00Lorraine, my heart goes out to you today, and you ...Lorraine, my heart goes out to you today, and you and your daughter are deeply in my thoughts.<br /><br /><br />Julia Emily:<br /><br />Yesterday I read an article written by Deanna Doss Shrodes at her Adoptee Restoration blog which answered your amum's question 'Why would she want to know any of those people?' (a comment which is flooring in its level of denial and apparent superiority). <br /><br /><br /> 'We shouldn’t have to give ANY reason for why we want to search, reunite or have an active relationship with our family.<br /><br />Why? Because they are family. <br /><br />Duh.' <br /><br /><br /><br />The full article on the blog is here: http://www.adopteerestoration.com/2013/07/adoptees-dont-need-excuse-to-search-and.html Cherrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-8423837719804110402014-04-05T03:41:04.420-04:002014-04-05T03:41:04.420-04:00I have never seen this show, but it brings up some...I have never seen this show, but it brings up some interesting issues! <br /><br />"Blowing up a kid's life"....that reminds me of my best friend. She never knew she was adopted, even though she asked questions constantly, until her AP's were dead and she was 48 years old. And then she found out she was black market. It nearly destroyed her. It has taken her years to come to terms with it. But it ruined her marriage, and whatever is left of her adoptive family wants nothing to do with her. <br /><br />Adoptive parents accepting their child's biological background.....reminds me of my own situation. My AP's have convinced themselves that I share their background. I never looked like them, but there was no TRUTHFUL mention of where I got my freckles and blond hair. There were stories. Fairy tales. I guess I was supposed to just absorb their ethnic background like a sponge, while my own was forgotten.<br /><br />First fathers....I have no idea. There was never any mention of mine. A lot of first fathers, as we know, are simply cast aside. When my friend recently found family on her first father's side through DNA testing, my mother said "I can't see doing that at all. Why would she want to know any of those people?"<br /><br />"Adoption is emotionally messy". Yes indeed. Period. <br /><br />Thanks Lorraine. We all muddle through, as you say. <br /><br />My thoughts are with you today, on what must be a very difficult day for you....<br />Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-17187557984296397872014-04-05T02:29:01.821-04:002014-04-05T02:29:01.821-04:00Lorraine, wishing you and Jane peace on her birthd...Lorraine, wishing you and Jane peace on her birthday. May the happy memories you shared soothe you as you mark this special day. The experiences you share so eloquently help so many of us on similar paths. Thank you. Evsmomnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-32991952522408582252014-04-04T17:57:21.924-04:002014-04-04T17:57:21.924-04:00Thank you! I thought I might be the only one who ...Thank you! I thought I might be the only one who was watching this show and could hardly believe that story line. Huzzah!Jenny from the blocnoreply@blogger.com