tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post6751537471320227037..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Downton Abbey and what you won't learn from those happy adoption agency websitesLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-53718927557601317422013-01-16T14:41:03.597-05:002013-01-16T14:41:03.597-05:00I'm so sorry for your pain and loss.I'm so sorry for your pain and loss.Eema-lehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07469662545641543683noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-9662029158740509742013-01-01T08:45:48.921-05:002013-01-01T08:45:48.921-05:00As an a-mother, I think often about my son's n...As an a-mother, I think often about my son's n-mother. She had lost her parental rights due to neglect and chemical dependency, and I adopted from the foster system. Eleven years later, she is sober, in a halfway house, and very angry that her son was stolen from her. She is haunted by her choices. I pray constantly for her, and that perhaps she will find a site like this one for support. Bless you for your good work.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-51221878541037182662012-12-26T11:16:46.261-05:002012-12-26T11:16:46.261-05:00Robin and Anon, agree with both your comments. I d...Robin and Anon, agree with both your comments. I do think that adopted individuals who find their parents married later on have an especially hard time understanding...if they loved each other enough to marry--and are still together!--why not soon enough for me? It is very hard for such an adoptee truly to understand how much pressure there was--particularly on middle-class girls--not to be pregnant before the wedding, or to give up the child in order to keep face, go to college, finish college, etc. Without DNA boys and the boy's parents could say the girl was sleeping with everybody, as happened to my husband's cousin, whose half sister is still looking for the daughter lost to adoption somewhere in Westfield, NJ, some 50 years ago. (Yes, I put this information here for the obvious reason---that she or someone who knows her will read it.) <br /><br />Abortions were extremely difficult to obtain--it was not like getting a joint in a state where marijuana is not "medical" but illegal. I remember the episode of Mad Men where Joan simply takes a train to NJ where she supposedly will get an abortion. That had none of the desperation of ordinary girls who "got in trouble," or the difficulty of finding a doctor who might preform an abortion. It was scary, it was rare, doctors did not conveniently slip the name of a doctor who "might" help you if they would not. Parents presented the "adoption plan" as the ONLY solution. Keeping a child was rare, extremely rare. Even years later, eyebrows were raised, the woman was socially tarred, not much different than poor Ethel on Downton Abby. <br /><br />And yes, I wish there were not so many TV programs that glorified adoptions as the way to a couple's--straight or gay--fulfillment and happiness, and showed the young mother or pregnant teen or young woman so happy to complete someone else's family! Those encourage more young women to give up their babies because they never focus on the aftermath. We don't hear enough about women who keep their children, even though Teen Mom is about that, but combined with the reckless, often poor lives of the reality "stars," you do not get a good picture of what keeping a child can be like, nor do the shows really want to delve into the long simmering hurt that we at First Mother Forum are all too familiar with.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-90203093817318111732012-12-26T07:52:19.772-05:002012-12-26T07:52:19.772-05:00Christmas was full of heartwarming adoption storie...Christmas was full of heartwarming adoption stories. Like the boy whose only Christmas wish was to have a brother. And he got one, a Russian adoptee. I just hope this boy doesn't end up in the Montana trashcan for unwanted adoptees. <br /><br />I just wish the news media would give as much attention to stories like Joyce Maynard adopting two girls and then passing them on to someone else. Or how about the two Ethopian adoptees in Franklin Park, PA who were severly abused by their 'forever' parents? Maybe if the news media would stress that these types of stories are just as much the face of adoption as the heartwarming ones, our culture would stop being so damned gaga over adoption.<br /><br />As for adopted children being upwardly mobile, let us not forget that divorce, disability and death can take away all of those financial advantages in a heartbeat.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-16056376053602863542012-12-26T04:02:29.237-05:002012-12-26T04:02:29.237-05:00Nice post, thanks.
Regarding natural parents who ...Nice post, thanks.<br /><br />Regarding natural parents who stay together after relinquishment, in the situations I know of, these parents went on to have other children. Often they were "high-school sweethearts". In every case, the searching adoptee really had a hard time and each one seemed to have a special kind of anger that other adoptees do/did not.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-7094349287933376312012-12-25T16:12:28.540-05:002012-12-25T16:12:28.540-05:00maybe: ohhhh, I missed the awful Rickie Lake show ...maybe: ohhhh, I missed the awful Rickie Lake show (thank God); it was one at ten a.m. my tine. I don't want to throw up on Christmas. Shows that glorify adoption such as the one you described insure that there will be more adoptions. That includes: I'm Having THEIR Baby, Modern Family, The New Normal, The Ongoing Adventures of Catelynn and Tyler. Just a thought: He is so friggen' adamant "they" did the right thing, Tyler is the one who got pissed at FMF...all this reminds me that when couples stay together and then then found by the adoptee, it is often--usually--the father who does not want to have a reunion, according to the searchers and CIs I've talked to. I think the lost child reminds him how inadequate he was when it came time to provide for his offspring, and now he cannot stand to be reminded of that. So he rejects the grown up who returns. <br /><br />Pies are in the oven--apple and pecan--and dinner down the street in an hour.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-73094829415550015392012-12-25T14:40:44.083-05:002012-12-25T14:40:44.083-05:00Lorraine wrote, "today, especially, most chil...Lorraine wrote, "today, especially, most children given up are upwardly mobile, such as the story of Carly of Catelynn and Tyler exemplifies. The future of the relationships between lower class first mothers and their relinquished children is not going to be peaches and roses".<br /><br />Indeed, given the intense pressure to "give the baby a better life" and the slick marketing that makes all adopters appear wealthy and generally superior in all life-style indicators, there are bound to be class-based differences which could be difficult to bridge later in life.<br /><br />As a footnote to Catelynn and Tyler - I noticed on social worker Dawn's Facebook page that she has them over to dinner, etc. Any social workers or counselors care to weigh in on this? Is it within ethical guidelines to entertain clients at home, or anywhere else for that matter?maybehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07067284504038707207noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-56214456717290765772012-12-25T13:53:10.244-05:002012-12-25T13:53:10.244-05:00OMG: https://therickilakeshow.com/episodes-clips/2...OMG: https://therickilakeshow.com/episodes-clips/2012/9/LIFE-CHANGING-ADOPTIONS<br /><br />Ricki Lake is airing "Life Changing Adoptions" this afternoon, complete with a "birth mother" who just knew her baby really wasn't hers but was instead meant for some AMAAAAZING adoptive parents.<br /><br />Bah-humbug.maybehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07067284504038707207noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-78179165765794662852012-12-25T13:33:45.306-05:002012-12-25T13:33:45.306-05:00Oh no, prejudice towards adoptees who put down the...Oh no, prejudice towards adoptees who put down their natural mothers! at a blog called First Mothers Forum. For shame. <br /><br />Now show me an adoptee blog where first mothers criticize the author (adopted) for favoring the adopted. This is the most open blog I know. <br />Sarahnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-26291921840840127882012-12-25T12:46:05.148-05:002012-12-25T12:46:05.148-05:00Why Be Normal When You Could Be Jeanette Winterson...<a href="http://www.firstmotherforum.com/search?q=Why+Be+Happy+When+you+could+be+normal" rel="nofollow">Why Be Normal When You Could Be Jeanette Winterson?</a><br /><br />Robin: You may have missed this review.<br /><br />In the other books I depicted, I believe the obvious class differences between the adoptive families (richer, better educated) and the birth parents (poorer) create a natural bend towards the adoptive family. The strength of the adoptive-family bond in these two memoirs did not occur to me as I wrote the post yesterday morning, but of course as a first mother myself, as I am very sensitive to how the biological mother is depicted in memoir, and these examples jumped out at me. There is a certain superior attitude evinced towards the authors' birth mothers in both books. Given the class differences, this attitude is probably unavoidable. You do get a little bit of thank-god-I-didn't-grow-up-like-that in both of them. As for the argument about the low class of Holmes's birth mother, who knows how it might have been if she had been able to raise her daughter? What kind of stability she might have found? The turmoil and disruption caused for many women by relinquishment is, well, like having a black stain on your record, much like a jail sentence as you move forward. <br /><br />Today, especially, most children given up are upwardly mobile, such as the story of Carly of Catelynn and Tyler exemplifies. The future of the relationships between lower class first mothers and their relinquished children is not going to be peaches and roses.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-66016041280831015972012-12-24T18:04:03.033-05:002012-12-24T18:04:03.033-05:00Robin,
My b-father is not an upstanding man. He w...Robin,<br /><br />My b-father is not an upstanding man. He was imprisoned in his 20s, and he is estranged from his family.<br /><br />But, he is one of my fathers. I accept him for who he is. He never would have been a great father to me. But, I enjoy talking with him. He has a very unique look at things. He's very amusing.<br /><br />Would I have preferred that my father was a solid citizen and human being? Sure, but he is who he is. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-61416138360834166942012-12-24T16:03:35.309-05:002012-12-24T16:03:35.309-05:00I am so sorry. I am so sorry. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07165737918653065179noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-80051181282230812932012-12-24T12:27:42.420-05:002012-12-24T12:27:42.420-05:00I hated both of these women's books. Although,...I hated both of these women's books. Although, these adoptee's express their feelings truthfully. I find them unaceppting of their mom's. <br />Thankfully, my son is NOT that way. He told his adopter that she knew HER mom after she was upset that he wanted to know me. Love that he had enough faith to trust <br />me early in reunion. She could not accept that he needed to know the truth of his birth.Galenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-33550255404797242072012-12-24T11:15:09.038-05:002012-12-24T11:15:09.038-05:00"sobbing without tears"
I'm feeling...<br />"sobbing without tears"<br /><br />I'm feeling much like this today also Lorraine.<br />Wishing you and all those who come here for a little support, insight, those who know this story all too well, a little Peace this season. we deserve it.Janetnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-62883802031552653322012-12-24T10:58:13.299-05:002012-12-24T10:58:13.299-05:00What a coincidence that you brought up adoptee mem...What a coincidence that you brought up adoptee memoirs in this post. I recall the last post on the subject where the authors were referred to as "first family bashers". I am currently reading Jeanette Winterson's "Why be happy when you can be normal" and it got me wondering. Is FMF's critique of this genre based on how connected/close the author is to her adoptive family?<br /><br />Winterson's book got a good review and it is very well written but so are the others. And Jeanette's story is tragic. She ended up with barely any family at all what with her deranged mother and passive adoptive father.<br /><br />A.M. Homes I recall was very close to her adoptive family. I agree that she was somewhat harsh toward her first mother but she also discovered that her f-mother was involved in white-collar crime. I would not have been too enthused either to find that any of my original family members had been involved in criminal activity.<br /><br />Another of your "first family bashers" is adoptee author, Amy Dean (Letters to my Birthmother) who did decide in the end that she felt her a-father and stepmother were her 'true' parents. Amy wanted a relationship with her n-mother but her n-mother was very disrespectful to her. Amy said she needed to take things slowly but her n-mother insisted on integrating her completely into the family immediately and meeting all of her blood relatives at once. She also refused to disclose the name of Amy's natural father. Unless the mother's would be in some kind of danger then it is absolutely unacceptable to withhold the father's name. For most of us adoptees from the closed era, the only way we can find out our father's name is from our mother. I am not surprised that Amy was uncomfortable continuing in the relationship.<br /><br />I think you are showing a prejudice towards adopted daughters who feel strongly connected to their a-families without looking at the whole picture.<br /><br />I am glad that Ethel kept her son.Robinnoreply@blogger.com