tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post7159880291796905963..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Joan Didion's Blue Nights is really an adoption memoirLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger25125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-77374558094889916142024-01-15T16:24:49.355-05:002024-01-15T16:24:49.355-05:00Bravo! You've hit the nail on the head. I was...Bravo! You've hit the nail on the head. I was thinking the exact same things all through my reading of this book...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-64938178693022639312020-10-11T19:05:53.090-04:002020-10-11T19:05:53.090-04:00Joan did her best with the information of the Age ...Joan did her best with the information of the Age that she had about Adoption. She is to be hailed for publicly publishing, what she thought were failures. I was adopted and when I read Blue Nights, it turned my world upside down, and in a good way. It was the first time I knew of anyone that admitted their shortcomings to universally and willingly. It has helped me move forward in my healing journey from Adoptive Parents who lied to me and watched me search 14 years, in tears and pools of blood. Melissa Session, San DiegoMelissa Sessionhttps://www.facebook.com/melis.session?ref=bookmarksnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-24510743650112703602013-09-03T20:45:19.204-04:002013-09-03T20:45:19.204-04:00"In the heart of an adoptee, there are always..."In the heart of an adoptee, there are always two families, often diametrically in opposition despite everyone's best efforts."<br /><br />Not for me. Initially it was two, ultimately none other than the one I made with my husband/children.<br /><br />Great essay.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-49793287982323001382011-11-09T13:27:50.598-05:002011-11-09T13:27:50.598-05:00Oh my goodness, I am blushing after reading the ki...Oh my goodness, I am blushing after reading the kind comments from adoptive parents about this essay. <br /><br />I do hope everyone who gets the message will circulate it widely; only when we make a collective and loud noise will we be heard on adoption. I have sent it to her publisher but I have no idea if it will get to Didion. BTW, I just made a small change in one section, but I think it was important.<br /><br />It is hard for me to listen to Didion talk about Quintana.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-8592413197407459282011-11-09T12:34:15.097-05:002011-11-09T12:34:15.097-05:00Lorraine,
Extraordinary, gorgeous piece. As a writ...Lorraine,<br />Extraordinary, gorgeous piece. As a writer and an adoptive mom (open adoptions), I offer my awe along with my solidarity. <br />You got it so, so right.<br />Antoinette (Toni) MartinA Toni Martinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02346388062969530037noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-51948585407501059222011-11-08T23:08:46.389-05:002011-11-08T23:08:46.389-05:00Lorraine, I am finding my heart in my throat after...Lorraine, I am finding my heart in my throat after reading your wonderful piece on "Blue Nights." Your analysis is exactly what I know to be true as an adoptive mother.<br /><br />In watching two interviews with Joan Didion, I found her to be detached with what seemed to be no under-standing of her daughter's monumental "loss" issues and what it means to have been "lost and then eventually found."<br /><br />Even though I have raised my daughter's in extremely open adoptions (when growing up they saw their first families 6-8 times a year), I am still acutely aware of adoption's devastation. No amount of openness really changes the depth of the original loss and pain. <br /> <br />I will be sending this out to other adoptive parents as something to keep and refer to. I will also get out my copy and reread "Birthmark."<br /><br />I can't remember when I have read anything so succinct and precise as this on Joan Didion's book.<br />It should be in a National magazine to be available to all who are part of our constellation. Yes, I think it would be good for therapists to read this as well.<br /><br />Hopefully someone will send your article to Joan Didion. I always find it sad when I meet adoptive parents who are not "attuned" to their child and unable to parent from the needs of the child. THey<br />mean well, but that isn't enough. A. stunning and painful analysis - with much gratitude to you for this.<br /><br />Ellen A. Roseman<br />Cooperative Adoptions <br />San Anselmo, Californiaellen@coopadopt.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-37816703379506401812011-11-07T16:12:54.151-05:002011-11-07T16:12:54.151-05:00Very interesting, poignant post.Very interesting, poignant post.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-40799151382903590492011-11-07T12:30:50.503-05:002011-11-07T12:30:50.503-05:00Excellent review Lorraine, one that must have been...Excellent review Lorraine, one that must have been very hard to write. Especially with the connection you felt.<br /><br />Adoption at it's very core is pain. Pain for all sides at different times and different ways, and it bothers me that it is touted so often as the win-win-win solution. <br /><br />What is presented is so often not the reality. We can see from all sides there is seldom the win-win-win. There is just life.<br /><br />I am reading Steve Jobs biography and adoption left it's mark on him in ways visible to those closest to him. Perhaps others reading it may not chose to see it, but if they are truthful, they will agree it left an indelible imprint on him as well.<br /><br />The feelings of abandonment are true for me. I always thought of it in the term rejection though. It has impacted me in many different areas of my life and still does to this day, despite knowing the reality of the times.<br /><br />All said, despite the pain there are also good parts. I think that is the hardest part of all being an adoptee. How can you say bad things about adoption when you love your parents? When you look at your life and not know what it would be like not knowing them. The realization that, that too would be a loss. Yet there is still the original loss not compensated. It becames hard explain to someone that you do not promote adoption and yet still do and always will love your parents. Sometimes it just becomes too overwhelming and just becomes one big condundrum. <br /><br />I do know that society needs to start realizing that family preservation has to be the first line of defense, and only after that has failed, adoption becomes the second defense for the child. That message is not heard by those in the adoption industry and it is frustrating.<br /><br />It just gets so complicated and it seems to get more complicated, the older and more aware we are.<br /><br />Sorry I seem to have gone more off topic than on.<br /><br />Thank you again.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-88386027410861947122011-11-07T10:35:40.644-05:002011-11-07T10:35:40.644-05:00Thank you again! Very helpful piece. You are doi...Thank you again! Very helpful piece. You are doing something that needs to be done! <br /><br />(I was reading Blue Nights yesterday...but didn't get it finished. The story oozes and drips privilege.) <br /><br />No matter how smart people are (like Joan Didion)...they can miss crucial things right in front of their faces. Interesting that we have two adoptee stories making the news.Mark Diebelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17197749527182706761noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-44329384329685860232011-11-06T15:52:40.336-05:002011-11-06T15:52:40.336-05:00That is a great piece of writing Lo.
FTR, I never...That is a great piece of writing Lo.<br /><br />FTR, I never pulled back. I moved in. I rejected the NYS definition of who my family was, and fully and completely embraced my blood kin.elizabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09384756673501569994noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-16376491756065071192011-11-06T12:17:41.217-05:002011-11-06T12:17:41.217-05:00Hi Lorraine,
Wow, your post was very intense for m...Hi Lorraine,<br />Wow, your post was very intense for me. I had no idea that Quintana was adopted. Now, some of the things that Didion has written make more sense to me.<br /><br />I am also a first mother and I think that, for me, one of the most powerful things Didion said, and thank you for sharing it here, is that adoption like recovery is much harder than it sounds (or something like that). Tragically, after reunion with my daughter, I could see how true this was. I never wanted to give her up and was pressured to do so, with everyone insisting that it was the right thing to do. Now, I can see that it so clearly wasn't the right thing to do, for anyone. <br /><br />Now, I am working on my own recovery and the challenges of my relationship with my daughter.<br /><br />Thank you for a beautiful piece. I am going to print it out and save it and read it more carefully again.<br /><br />AngelaAngela Wheelockhttp://www.sittingwithsorrow.typepad.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-49814917739351911272011-11-06T12:00:11.049-05:002011-11-06T12:00:11.049-05:00Pull backs happen on both sides of reunion, and wh...Pull backs happen on both sides of reunion, and while that may hurt, sometimes the feelings are overwhelming, but sometimes to preserve self/sanity you have to try to cling to what is normal what you have known your whole life. Adoption is so unnatural and an adult reunion can only be born from this unnatural separation it is difficult to live your life without a mother or father for so long and then have to navigate between a parents and natural parents, and if the natural family has children etc. it in my case was difficult to see the way they grew up and pictures of them, and realize that could have been my life. It is very twilight zone and sometimes a lot to handle. I think that if an adoptee says, you know what I need to regroup, or this is too much, that is ok, there is nothing wrong with that. But I think letting the other party know what is going on and not disapearing is a respectful approach I think that if adoptions must happen, that both mother and child should at least know how/where the other is or at least have that info available from the beginning, because in my opinion that is so much healthier for everyone. Anyways, Great piece Lorraine! I am definitely sharing this, you are very adept and crafting beautifully haunting pieces that really manage to connect in some way to what we all have been through, insightful.Jennnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-25348699526290851982011-11-06T11:01:45.358-05:002011-11-06T11:01:45.358-05:00To clarify and added to the post, as per Anon'...To clarify and added to the post, as per Anon's question:<br /><br />...Quintana had the reaction of so many adoptees to "being found" that we are all too familiar with: she needed time to step back, that it was too much to handle, and that she needed to "catch up for a while" with what she still considered real life. <b>She wrote her mother and told her this.</b><br /><br />We mothers know how much this letter might hurt....Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-53185146400751250962011-11-06T07:20:36.323-05:002011-11-06T07:20:36.323-05:00Only a crazy person would name a child Quintana Ro...Only a crazy person would name a child Quintana Roo.Even worse that it was an Aztec sacrificial pyramid. Ugh. What were they thinking? And what ever made them think they needed to adopt a child? As one adoptee said, "I don't know why my parents adopted, they were not very child-centered". Sounds like the case here as well, and then to lay her faults out in public after her sad death in a "poor me" book as if she were that Aztec sacrifice, just awful.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-1328636164156482132011-11-06T00:32:49.587-04:002011-11-06T00:32:49.587-04:00So when Q pulled back the natural mother freaked o...So when Q pulled back the natural mother freaked out and had her phone disconnected? I wasn't quite sure from the piece. If that's the case, I understand the mother. I don't agree with her but I understand her. That's why it's so important for me to have an online group of women that have also lost children to adoption to run things by. Yes crazy is a good adjective. The searing pain of a child pulling away is almost more than the psyche can take. It's only other mothers that have been at the same spot who can talk us off the ledge. <br />The picture of Q looks just as I imagine you as a child. Glad you moved away from ties with those witches. Crazy? Hell no. <br />Thanks for being a champion of family preservation. We need you, Lorraine!Barbara Thavishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13646036820037271522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-86929870026141945622011-11-05T21:39:50.129-04:002011-11-05T21:39:50.129-04:00A very poignant piece, particularly since I just f...A very poignant piece, particularly since I just finished "Birthmark" this afternoon. <br /><br />Excellent writing, as always, Lorraine (both this post and the book).Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-46538108487259829832011-11-05T20:59:42.579-04:002011-11-05T20:59:42.579-04:00I've FBd and tweeted this. it's a wonderfu...I've FBd and tweeted this. it's a wonderful piece of writing and deserves a much larger audience. The New Yorker sounds good to me. Or Atlantic Monthly.Marley Greinerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15184124024369071862noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-60116396448630810772011-11-05T15:54:14.551-04:002011-11-05T15:54:14.551-04:00Hey Robin, mucho thanks and thanks for continuing ...Hey Robin, mucho thanks and thanks for continuing to comment about "ADOPTION IS EVERYWHERE AND I COULD JUST SCREAM."<br /><br />EVERYRONE: IF like the post, please forward the link, HIT LIKE WHATEVER. We need to reach critical mass to GET THE WORD OUT. <br /><br />XX♥Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-32504030500573360942011-11-05T15:49:03.265-04:002011-11-05T15:49:03.265-04:00Jess: I didn't want to say that but it sure co...Jess: I didn't want to say that but it sure comes through in her other writings. I think it might have also been true for Nancy and Ronald Reagan.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-28495368449992290502011-11-05T14:53:02.658-04:002011-11-05T14:53:02.658-04:00Lorraine,
I remember reading in Birthmark how you ...Lorraine,<br />I remember reading in Birthmark how you thought Quintana Roo might be your daughter. I can feel your pain from that coming through in this post. I am so sorry about what happened with you and Jane but I am glad you are a spokesperson for adoption.<br /><br />RobinAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-36205706767092073382011-11-05T14:40:32.688-04:002011-11-05T14:40:32.688-04:00I thank you for this too. It is an amazing piece ...I thank you for this too. It is an amazing piece of writing. As I was reading it I kept thinking this should be in The New Yorker or the New York Times (or The Globe and Mail.)<br /><br />I have to confess I have only read one book about adoption. It was called BirthMark and it was quite a while ago. I tend to stay away. But I think I may pick this up. I am also going to see if I can catch a rebroadcast of Charlie Rose.<br /><br />I wonder how many of Quintana's unmet psychological needs were because of her adoption.<br /><br />A great post.Unsigned Masterpiecehttp://unsignedmasterpiece.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-34987240110421947362011-11-05T14:28:44.332-04:002011-11-05T14:28:44.332-04:00Great post on the Didion/Dunne clan but I also wan...Great post on the Didion/Dunne clan but I also wanted to respond to the sidebar.<br /><br />ADOPTION IS EVERYWHERE AND I COULD JUST SCREAM<br /><br />I was reading THE WEEK and The last word had an article "What my father taught me" by Kathy Wells McMenamin.<br /><br />Here's the last paragraph:<br /><br />"As I said good-bye to him in the neurology ICU, I told him that I loved him. I told him that I didn't need to find my "real parents" because he and Mom were my real parents. I thanked him for being my dad."<br /><br />No matter what I do it is impossible to get away from adoption. I wonder would a bio-child thank her father for being her dad? Really don't know.<br /><br />RobinAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-49622517184768459772011-11-05T12:50:28.675-04:002011-11-05T12:50:28.675-04:00Very perceptive comment, Lisa. I mentioned to a fr...Very perceptive comment, Lisa. I mentioned to a friend this morning that writers can also be selfish because for a writer, nothing really beats writing. Pair that with a marriage that is intensely close and that has got to be hard on a child. What is left over for the child? What was there to begin with?Jessnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-56136426689845015162011-11-05T12:19:11.052-04:002011-11-05T12:19:11.052-04:00Thanks, Lisa. Thank you for understanding.Thanks, Lisa. Thank you for understanding.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-15091557476800526862011-11-05T11:13:43.760-04:002011-11-05T11:13:43.760-04:00I watched Joan being interviewed by Charlie Rose l...I watched Joan being interviewed by Charlie Rose last night. Then I found your website and review your blog this morning. <br /><br />I found Joan incredibly detached in the interview, even though Charlie (who was a close friend of Joan and her deceased husband) was all over her with love and compliments. I'm an adoptive mother, fortunately of the 21st century, and realize that poor Joan never "got it" about parenting, much less adoptive parenting. Even though the 60's, as you say, was not a period of openness and comprehension in the adoption world, not all adoptees from this period grew up in such a high profile family, with parents who were very in love and had little room in their lives for a child, and perhaps didn't have great parenting skills. Cross this with a daughter with perhaps consistently unmet n<br />eeds, and it is a recipoe for catastrophe.<br /><br />This was brought up briefly in the conversation with Charlie Rose, how Joan and her husband were very much in love and very close. <br /><br />Thank you Lorraine for this beautiful piece - the juxtaposition of your life with theirs brought tears to my eyes.<br />Lisa S (lisas@ouradopt.com)<br />President: Adoption Under One RoofLisa Shttp://ouradopt.comnoreply@blogger.com