tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post7381031379397993001..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Reproductive Agents!!! Not Mothers. Of any sort.Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-45569102068729820532008-08-30T17:45:00.000-04:002008-08-30T17:45:00.000-04:00"... we are not mothers...the only feelings that c..."... we are not mothers...the only feelings that count are those of the adoptive parents, WE HAVE NO RIGHT TO INTERFERE, because...we are nothing more than "reproductive agents.""<BR/><BR/>The problem is also that we often shoot ourselves in the foot when we use words that support this POV. <BR/><BR/>Reproductive agent, breeder, broodmare, incubator, gene donor, genetic stranger ... we have been called all of these by people determined to reduce us to being "non-mothers" -- by the same people (industry hacks like Marietta Spencer) who promoted the PAL/RAL term "birthmother" to mean exactly this. <BR/><BR/>How effective are our protestations that we are still mothers when someone else calls us a "former mother," if we do it to ourselves all the time by using words coined to denote that we have given up the title of "mother"? :(adoptionfacts@yahoo.comhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10892951737332635493noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-52842756665818371942008-08-28T10:11:00.000-04:002008-08-28T10:11:00.000-04:00I try so hard to be patient with people like that....I try so hard to be patient with people like that. Three years ago I finally terminated a longtime friendship. Granted I handled it wrong. At least I know that the woman helped her daughter keep her child. Maybe one day she will be happy that I fought for that grandbaby. Her daughter is someone I consider a daughter. I could not sit by and not say anything. She actually told me that she is grateful that her husband and I were not aborted. Her husband and I are about the same age. Abortion was not a viable option as you well know. I wasn't even asking her to abort. But that was the only other option she gave. She was not forcing her son to relinquish his child just her daughter. I flew off the handle big time. I also told her telling me and her husband that we were lucky not to have been aborted was very insulting to both of us. All I know is that my husband got an email announcing the birth of the child. <BR/><BR/>I do believe that mothers have the right to search just as adoptees do. I wish mine had searched for me.Amyadopteehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10954658047614318238noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-51437316583566410062008-08-27T15:29:00.000-04:002008-08-27T15:29:00.000-04:00it makes me think of a recent entry in my own blog...it makes me think of a recent entry in my own blog I wrote... <BR/><BR/>a friend had left a message, totally trying to invalidate my feelings (I felt). And, the title of the entry was... "Smack! I love you. Smack!"<BR/><BR/>I wrote to her and told her that it was not supportive, and that if anything, the "advice" she gave me completely invalidated her "I love you statements". <BR/><BR/>You are a strong woman to be able to stand up to these people and risk that friendship. I wonder what her connection to adoption is?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-1544750554518850092008-08-27T14:00:00.000-04:002008-08-27T14:00:00.000-04:00I agree. She is not your friend. Running after you...I agree. She is not your friend. Running after you as you left, saying "I love you, dear, let's have dinner," showed her selfishness, her need for you and that only. Ending relationships is hard, even when they aren't good for us. But sometimes we have to. Especially when they have no regard for our boundaries and feelings, as your "friend" does not.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-17237246711437272702008-08-27T12:42:00.000-04:002008-08-27T12:42:00.000-04:00Reading this, I am conflicted between admiring you...Reading this, I am conflicted between admiring you ability to have put up with as much as you did...and...angry that you did (asI have).<BR/><BR/>I'm sure you thought that patience and time would help her to see you as a "good" person, thus not the bad mother she actually always saw you as and finally let lose from her judgmental lips.<BR/><BR/>As you so well describe, this woman was like a sister to you and you to her. My own blood sister - who had rocked me to sleep when she was just 3 and I newly born (our mother hospitalized) never understood and specifically said that she "identified" with the adoptive parents and thought my efforts at initiating a search were extremely intrusive on THEIR lives. No one in my family of origins - not my mother, father or sister - ever once thought about MY feelings in any of it. I had "made my bed." <BR/><BR/>My parents passed within months of my daughter's passing. My sister never sent a condolence card when my daughter died. She said later that she never thought of her as a niece. Again, disregarding me - her ONLY SIBLING - suffering the loss of my daughter!<BR/><BR/>After our parents died we became estranged and I was driven to try to hold onto the only living family I had left. I WORKED to repair the broken relationship - for the sake of our kids, and grandkids, if not for ourselves.<BR/><BR/>Now..when I go to doctors and they ask for "next of kin" or "who to contact in an emergency" I reply: No One.<BR/><BR/>It was very sad losing my sister. But sometimes one must put an end to the constant, albeit subtle, abuse of not being validated for who we are! Friends accept friends, they do not judge them! She was never your friend. She was, like family and some of them can be very hurtful and have to be cut from our lives.<BR/><BR/>Mourn the loss.AdoptAuthorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15259177027389587604noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-17278405675502316302008-08-26T19:40:00.000-04:002008-08-26T19:40:00.000-04:00My son's adoptive mother is also from an aristocra...My son's adoptive mother is also from an aristocratic French family. I think her views are pretty much the same. <BR/><BR/>It's interesting that the parents think only of themselves so much that they are trying to shut any door to their child knowing their heritage. I think it is a very old fashioned view and as I have said before, they thought we would never find our kids but we did. <BR/><BR/>I have friends who don't agree with my position but they respect it. Me thinks she doth protest too much that you are wrong. Maybe the person she is trying to convince is herself.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-56200528058524019802008-08-26T19:02:44.587-04:002008-08-26T19:02:44.587-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.The Improper Adopteehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04460201280334904431noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-8950493055374952532008-08-26T19:02:00.001-04:002008-08-26T19:02:00.001-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.The Improper Adopteehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04460201280334904431noreply@blogger.com