tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post7437885562590880034..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Adoptees Who Say They Only Want Information Hurt EveryoneLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-38472335991734102682017-01-30T20:51:18.505-05:002017-01-30T20:51:18.505-05:00Jane, so right! I filled out copious pages of info...Jane, so right! I filled out copious pages of information about my family health history as well as the father's--brought a sheet home so he could fill it out, and he did. NONE OF THIS WAS GIVEN TO THE ADOPTIVE PARENTS--not even that he was Irish, as was my daughter's mother, a fact that would have meant something to her growing up when for instance, St. Patrick's Day was made much of. I blame the fact that the social worker who dealt with the adoptive parent was not the same person as the one I dealt with. So the worker handing over the baby was only concerned with infant, white, no obvious diseases.<br /><br />Then of course she had seizures...and by the time we met when my daughter was 15, her mother wanted to be assured that there was no mental illness in my family. the discretion about releasing information about the medical history in 1966 at Northaven Terrace in Rochester, NY amounted to a total black out. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-71841782643602838002017-01-30T19:43:45.298-05:002017-01-30T19:43:45.298-05:00The problem with saying "you only want inform...The problem with saying "you only want information" is that it makes the mother feel like a nobody. <br /><br />Adoption agencies do collect medical history on parents considering giving up their child. I think it's likely adoption attorneys do as well in independent adoptions. The purpose of this information, though, is primarily to assure prospective adoptive parents that the bio-parents are healthy and thus the child is unlikely to have health problems. Adoption agencies have been sued by adoptive parents when the child turns out to have severe medical problems and the agency failed to inform the PAPS that the bio-parents have problems that could be passed on.<br /><br />It's my understanding adoption agencies have discretion on how much of the bio-parents' information it shares with the adoptee. Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-34153682644840587212017-01-30T13:51:38.490-05:002017-01-30T13:51:38.490-05:00There's nothing wrong with saying you only inf...There's nothing wrong with saying you only information!!!!! What about the adoptee!!! They have lived their entire like in the dark. How do you think an adoptee feels when they go to have a child and they are asked their medical history and they have no information and something is genetically wrong. What then???? You should have to provide medical history in order to put a child up for adoption. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07710595641600749822noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-90434946493580613652011-05-10T15:22:55.125-04:002011-05-10T15:22:55.125-04:00I want to mention that adoptees often have to use ...I want to mention that adoptees often have to use the line "I only want to info" to avoid tipping people off to the fact that we're searching. It's precisely because we're searching that we must say we're not. However, it is frustrating that this is the message that legislators are hearing and acting on.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-26353426515953873122010-11-02T11:43:28.106-04:002010-11-02T11:43:28.106-04:00Hello,
I am an adoptee. I have recently found the...Hello, <br />I am an adoptee. I have recently found the woman who gave birth to me but have not her contacted yet. I am still thinking all this through and letting it sink in. I am one of those adoptees you talk about that just wants the medical history. I can only speak for myself, but the reason I would like medical history is simple. Everytime I have a doctors visit I always get ask, any history of blah, blah,blah and so forth. Everytime that is brought up, I remind my doctor that I am adopted and don't have that information. As I get older I would like to have that information if nothing but for piece of mind. <br />On the matter of wanting to know my birth parents, well in my case I don't want to hurt or disrupt anyone's lives including mine by asking for medical history only, but in the same breath if my birth parents have questions about me I am open to sharing that information. If my birth parents don't want information about me I am good with that, maybe mostly because I am a very happy person and my life is great. I can only speak for myself. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-46100991659778814272010-05-16T20:57:30.765-04:002010-05-16T20:57:30.765-04:00you understand, as an adoptee society tells me I a...you understand, as an adoptee society tells me I am wrong for wanting to know, I have loved my 1st mother all my life, but when I found her, she treated me like a medical project, icy cold what medical do you want to know and go away!<br /><br />She went on to become a midwife ,I am not human in her eyesKAThttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17666574181657699356noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-22666997804825656792010-04-14T05:47:32.941-04:002010-04-14T05:47:32.941-04:00As an adoptee I wholly agree with what Stephanie S...As an adoptee I wholly agree with what Stephanie Steinke said. Just my 2c.윤선http://seumnida.annyeong.netnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-34960204319120666392010-03-28T13:14:10.466-04:002010-03-28T13:14:10.466-04:00Personally I don't care if adoptees search and...Personally I don't care if adoptees search and reunion...but as long as some continue to say "they only want the information" they do hurt the adoption-reform movement. When I hear that, then I think: well, then give them the "information" without the woman's name. They only want to know if they are Polish, Italian, Jewish, etc. and have a history of mental illness or a record of delinquency or a Phi Beta Kappa straight-A intellectualism in their background. <br /><br />Say you want the original birth certificate so you can do with it what you please, that's fine. Asking for anything less is muddying the water and confuses legislators who are ready to have any excuse to not vote for open records because it might offend some birthmother (as in their cousin who has never mentioned the hole in her heart in all these years) or their buddies, the adoptive parents who live in their district and whom they are sure want those records sealed tight! Forever.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-48992903905627728642010-03-28T07:24:36.836-04:002010-03-28T07:24:36.836-04:00Kathlyn,
I am a mother who surrendered and am reu...Kathlyn,<br /><br />I am a mother who surrendered and am reunited, and I would not presume to speak for what adoptees feel or want.I think adoptees can speak for themselves quite well, as individuals with their own unique feelings and needs. Of course, no one adoptee can speak for "all" adoptees, just as with any other group, but individuals should feel free to express their own opinion without fear that it upsets somebody else.<br /><br />Adoptees should be able to get their own OBC with no restrictions or conditions. What they do with the information is totally their own business. Searching or "just wanting information" are equally valid person decisions. Individual choices should be respected, rather than trying to force adoptees or anyone else into one mold.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-52569509993299085372010-03-24T07:19:38.696-04:002010-03-24T07:19:38.696-04:00ITA with Kathlyn.
If adoptees want their OBC for ...ITA with Kathlyn. <br />If adoptees want their OBC for its own sake what's wrong with that? It's their right.<br /><br />What they do with it after they get it is their choice and their responsibilty.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-67011649653562506892010-03-21T18:08:52.588-04:002010-03-21T18:08:52.588-04:00This post is absolutely ridiculous. Adoptees who ...This post is absolutely ridiculous. Adoptees who say they only want info do NOT have esp that perhaps some day their feelings may change in the end.<br />There is nothing wrong with saying an adoptee only wants their OBC. <br />Many adoptee who actually DO want a relationship with their first mother eventually regret that attempt. Perhaps these situation could also be viewed as anti- adoptee rights.<br />I really find it appalling every time I come here and see first moms trying to claim they know best on how adoptees behave and act. And you do it with such conviction.<br />No wonder so many adoptees "only want information". Good for them.Kathlynnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-30837594987572095072010-03-19T20:55:41.007-04:002010-03-19T20:55:41.007-04:00I echo what Kitta said. If an adoptee states that...I echo what Kitta said. If an adoptee states that he/she "only wants information," then the legislator asks "They why do you need names if you only need information?" <br /><br />And reunion is the elephant on the dining room table. Why does anyone in practical terms need their mother's name unless it is to search for her? Why not just one's own name at birth if what one needs is "information"? <br /><br />We need to address the reunion issue, or else the NCFA and others will use it against us. Saying "It's not about reunion," if many people are obtaining information in order to search, is then a blatant falsehood, because for some adoptees it will be about reunion. If it is "not about reunion," then what statistics support that? Lawmakers will only listen to these type of figures if the NCFA is spouting tripe denying it. The NCFA has to be proven wrong that "it is not about reunion," or if it IS about reunion, then this needs to be addressed up-front and honestly.Cedarhttp://cedartrees.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-24140253348610114752010-03-19T17:52:52.328-04:002010-03-19T17:52:52.328-04:00it's "okay" to want 'information...it's "okay" to want 'information only' because you're not hurting adoptive parents' feelings... you're not 'intruding' on bio-family... you're leaving well enough along. it was drilled into a lot of adoptee's heads that you need to be grateful that someone took you in - you need to be grateful that you weren't an abortion - you are NOT to make waves - you are NOT to hurt anyone's feelings - you are NOT to demand ANYTHING ever! you are to accept crumbs and be thankful that you got that... I wish I was exagerating!ElainePhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00081341759492161794noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-80729582598116925192010-03-18T22:23:51.614-04:002010-03-18T22:23:51.614-04:00Kitta here:
"and we also are stuck with the...Kitta here:<br /><br /> "and we also are stuck with the Church's rage being spewed on us as they do not want us to have our information because we are "bastards" and our Mothers are "whores"<br /><br />Improper, you have spoken the truth. Some Churches are angry with us because we have not accepted their judgement, and because we have dared to seek out our family members.<br /><br />Once I received a phone call from a natural mother who had gone back to the Church and she had decided to try to spread the word to other "fallen" women. She contacted our support group, telling us we needed to go back to her church where we would be "forgiven" and would be accepted back.<br /><br />She kept telling us "the Church will take you back, the church will take you back" but we didn't want to take that church back.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-86432819640128751542010-03-18T22:17:45.254-04:002010-03-18T22:17:45.254-04:00"They don't really know what they want at..."They don't really know what they want at first, and gradually as they move on in the search, they realize they want more than they thought they did."<br /><br />I echo this statement EXACTLY for my case.Mei Linghttp://exiledsister.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-18931991510464977072010-03-18T19:59:23.846-04:002010-03-18T19:59:23.846-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.The Improper Adopteehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04460201280334904431noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-78703235065082099582010-03-18T19:55:00.978-04:002010-03-18T19:55:00.978-04:00kitta here:
"They don't really know what...kitta here:<br /><br />"They don't really know what they want at first, and gradually as they move on in the search, they realize they want more than they thought they did. Eventually, they want the whole enchilada -- which means of course, meeting the mother and having a relationship with her"<br /><br />Not all are the same. Some adopted people search as soon as they can.Some even try to do it when they are still underage.<br /><br /> And some adopted people wish for their mothers to find them.<br /><br />Allowing for direct communication in those situations where adoptions must still occur would eliminate the need for searching. And it would eliminate at least some of the feeling of mystery.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-32030582290516428992010-03-18T16:09:40.378-04:002010-03-18T16:09:40.378-04:00I agree with BJ - none of us really know what we a...I agree with BJ - none of us really know what we are hoping to find when we search for our lost family member. Or whether we will want a relationship should we find a child or parent that is our worst nightmare. <br /><br />But adoptees have for good reason, a pretty major fear of rejection. I don't blame them for taking little baby steps and testing the waters before deciding what it is they hope to find. <br /><br />I'm still astounded at the strident attitude some have that adoptees are only searching with the intent to objectify or be disrespectful of mothers if they initially say they only want medical information and prefer to keep it impersonal! <br /><br />That's a pretty broad statement and over the 25 years or so that I've been involved in reform, I've rarely met adoptees that have that attitude, once they get involved with support and understand the issues involved. <br /><br />Many of us here have testified before legislative committees when access to OBC bills were being heard. While I still think that we need clean bills, it really doesn't bother me if an adopted person is only looking for information. I don't see that as any different than some mothers who choose to deny contact because of their shame issues.<br /><br /><br />That's their right, but making sure adoptees are made aware of the importance of the language used when they submit their requests to agencies, courts and mostly legislators, can only help us all appear consistent and logical. I agree - whatever you want, first make it clear that you want your OBC!Carolchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12983135296851385826noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-32431041164339313702010-03-18T15:35:41.638-04:002010-03-18T15:35:41.638-04:00I understood Lorraine's point to be that claim...I understood Lorraine's point to be that claiming you only want "information" and not "reunion," etc. leads the OBC to CONTINUE to be SEALED. After all, if all that is desired is a little background info, then there really is no reason to release OBC. That's the message that is sent with this argument.<br /><br />If you want the OBC, say so clearly and without qualification. It is everyone's right to access the same info that is held by the government.<br /><br />I think there have been too many other explanations for what adoptees really want, which just confuses the matter and keeps the OBC sealed. <br /><br />Ask for what you should have an unfettered right to: THE OBC.maybehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07067284504038707207noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-29025952743163429932010-03-18T15:14:53.133-04:002010-03-18T15:14:53.133-04:00Author and adoptee BJ Lifton provided this insight...Author and adoptee BJ Lifton provided this insight on FaceBook:<br /><br />Lorraine, remember that adoptees are in process. They don't really know what they want at first, and gradually as they move on in the search, they realize they want more than they thought they did. Eventually, they want the whole enchilada -- which means of course, meeting the mother and having a relationship with her.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-58537752163863909782010-03-18T12:28:09.264-04:002010-03-18T12:28:09.264-04:00kitta here:
I have testified before legislative c...kitta here:<br /><br />I have testified before legislative committees when access to OBC bills were being heard.<br /><br />Lawmakers can become convinced that adopted people "only want background information" if adopted people testify to that effect.<br /><br />One lawmaker said "well, let's just give them access to the background information and take out the identifying information." This amendment was proposed after he had heard several adopted people say they didn't care about a reunion or knowing their family.<br /><br />If adopted people want access to OBC, then that needs to be stated specifically.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-9411792514354310342010-03-18T11:28:49.199-04:002010-03-18T11:28:49.199-04:00Lorraine,
I did read your post carefully. You ha...Lorraine,<br /><br />I did read your post carefully. You had made two mentions to searching and reuniting tied into your post about OBCs which is what raised the red flag for me and what I commented to.<br /><br />If your entry was saying "give me my uncensored OBC because it's my right" period, then I agree with that! And I'm sorry if I misinterpreted. But because of the mentioning of searching and reuniting, I couldn't be sure. Right now in PA, the #1 obstacle to getting our bill a hearing is the NCFA breathing down the PA Adoption Taskforce's neck claiming we're all going to take our OBCs to track down our mothers and bang on their doors, disrupting their lives. It's why the passive registry exists in the place of open access. The reunion arguement right now is something we're combatting heavily against. (abortion is the #2 arguement).<br /><br />I should know my mother's name and have access to my OBC because it's something no one else is restricted from. If I use my OBC to reunite, that's my business and the concern of no judge or legislator.The Declassified Adopteehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16726376584015902627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-31868090087775236562010-03-18T11:22:54.544-04:002010-03-18T11:22:54.544-04:00Call me flummoxed, but there's something I'...Call me flummoxed, but there's something I'm not getting here.<br />Are there really hoards of adoptees out there agitating for "their information" alone, *without* their OBCs?<br />Who are they? Where are they?<br /><br />I think Mark makes a good point when he says that adoptee rights are pretty obscure in the wider scene.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-14572676512106050822010-03-18T10:12:04.975-04:002010-03-18T10:12:04.975-04:00Thanks for a great article, Lorraine!Thanks for a great article, Lorraine!Juliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14186462577960646985noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-57072754512267960732010-03-18T10:03:59.226-04:002010-03-18T10:03:59.226-04:00"If adoptees insist they only want "info..."If adoptees insist they only want "information," that becomes a mantra for legislators to conclude that giving only partial information is adequate. Since the adoptee does not want to search. "<br /><br />So long as adoptees continue to make restoring their right to their OBCs their primary goal, it's nobody's business but their own what they do about reunion.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com