tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post7630956179591920494..comments2024-03-14T17:59:30.786-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Merry Christmas to us ALLLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-59068437059463433232008-12-27T22:06:00.000-05:002008-12-27T22:06:00.000-05:00Nor for me, Kippa. But it makes my blood run cold ...Nor for me, Kippa. But it makes my blood run cold to hear that for some people death of a child is less painful than surrender. I just cannot imagine that. For me the pain of not knowing where my son was is long over and not emotionally remembered, like the pain of childbirth.It is over. Being reunited wiped that out for me.<BR/><BR/>We are all different, all experience life and emotion in different ways. I have a very strong negative reaction to comparing adoption to death or the Holocaust or other greater horrors.<BR/>That's just me, but I've never been the typical birthmother. Surrendering a child was the worst thing that happened to me, but I do not think it is the worst thing that could happen to a person.maryannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14820185286946511471noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-89980226307423818552008-12-27T20:13:00.000-05:002008-12-27T20:13:00.000-05:00I guess which is easier would depend on a number o...I guess which is easier would depend on a number of factors. <BR/>Not knowing my son's circumstances wasn't a walk in the park for me either.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-24205183229720968002008-12-27T18:12:00.000-05:002008-12-27T18:12:00.000-05:00Found this in my email when I got back from Christ...Found this in my email when I got back from Christmas traveling to visit my husband's family: <BR/><BR/>Lo, I just read your comments on your blog. You are the first person to understand what I mean when I tell people it is easier since my son died than it was waiting and hoping that he would agree to share a bit of himself with me. He too was a very troubled person, raised in a dysfunctional family according to his wife, a real loner who didn't let people into his life easily. I agonized all the time about when and if we would ever meet or if I would get another hateful letter from him. Now I can hope he is at peace and that at some point we will be reunited.<BR/> <BR/>Have a happy holiday.<BR/> <BR/>CarolynLorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-33822126101982771632008-12-26T17:57:00.000-05:002008-12-26T17:57:00.000-05:00Unless you have walked in our shoes, I do not thin...Unless you have walked in our shoes, I do not think which pain is worse is a point for debate. Just as--is it worse to be a mother who gives up a child or a child who is given up? <BR/><BR/>All I know is that for me, during the years apart when I did not know where she was, or if she were even alive, the holidays were a much worse experience than that of this year, a year after my daughter died. The first year after I gave her up was pure, unmitigated hell. And so it would continue until I knew where she was.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-84248230585699835192008-12-24T17:39:00.000-05:002008-12-24T17:39:00.000-05:00Oh, I am sorry to have upset anyone, or minimize ...Oh, I am sorry to have upset anyone, or minimize anyone's pain. My experience is only mine. <BR/><BR/>I was pregnant 7 times, with only 2living children (that I knew of). Those that I knew were gone, I could have a hope for their continuing in a better world. I had no control over their loss to me and my family.<BR/><BR/>But as for my son whose fate was unknown to me for almost 40 years, he was born with a congenital condition that certainly could have killed him, or even left him disabled and/or in pain. <BR/><BR/>He was my firstborn, and taken from me unfairly. I had the guilt of not doing whatever it took to keep him with me, including fleeing the county to avoid the prosecution threatened by the adoptive parents' lawyer. I had hoped for a large family, all of my life, and every child was loved by me before they were born. The fate of only one was unknown. <BR/><BR/>I think that the parables go something like: the shepard leaves his other sheep to search for the one who is lost; the woman searches her home from top-to-bottom to find the lost penny. <BR/><BR/>Not knowing was torture. Now I know, even if it now his guilt that keeps him from telling anyone, or contacting me on a regular basis. If that comes, it would be wonderful. Now that I have found him, I have kept my promise to him to do so.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-52242635989219197002008-12-24T13:04:00.000-05:002008-12-24T13:04:00.000-05:00Me too, Maireaine. Me too.There is no finality lik...Me too, Maireaine. Me too.<BR/>There is no finality like death.<BR/>Timor mortis conturbat me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-42345062471422640352008-12-24T11:33:00.000-05:002008-12-24T11:33:00.000-05:00With deepest sympathy to those who have lost child...With deepest sympathy to those who have lost children to death or stillbirth or miscarriage as well as to adoption, I have to respectfully disagree about adoption loss being worse than death.<BR/><BR/>I cannot imagine a greater horror than losing a child to death under any circumstance, and I can't compare it to surrendering a child, bad as that was. Maybe that is because I found my son so young: he was only 8 when I learned his new identity and location and that he was alive and well, but even when I did not know I did not feel as if he was dead, and there was always some faint hope I would see him again. It was very painful, but did not and does not have the devastating finality and hopelessness of death.<BR/><BR/>I guess I would chose the uncertainty of life, with all its pain and potential for more rejection and hurt, over the cold certainty and "closure" of death. I have not lost a child to death except one early miscarriage, which I do grieve, but not as one would grieve a full term child. But I have lost my parents, aunts and uncles, some cousins, and a few dear friends and beloved kitties, and would give anything to be able to see them again. It does not comfort me that I know where they are, in the earth.<BR/><BR/>Even when my son was not communicating with me at all, and I lost touch with where he was for a few years, I still had the peace of knowing he was probably ok and living his life, which he was. Where there is life there is hope.maryannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14820185286946511471noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-85270510567262924782008-12-23T20:10:00.000-05:002008-12-23T20:10:00.000-05:00Yes, Lorraine, I have lost a child by still birth,...Yes, Lorraine, I have lost a child by still birth, several late term miscarriages due to that strange secondary infertility...and not knowing was indeed the worst. Yes, now my son and I are "speaking secretly" every couple of days, known only to his wife and one child of his. My younger sons, born many years later than he, are grateful that their mom is so happy. <BR/><BR/>I want to see my eldest, and he may never be able to bring himself to this "betrayal" of his adoptive mother. Every word is a blessing after 38 years of silence. I may never meet my grandchildren, but I will hear of them. It is bettter than I dared hope for.<BR/><BR/>My heart goes out to those who do not yet know this joy, and I ache when I hear those stories; even my own.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-37040856157535437692008-12-23T12:37:00.000-05:002008-12-23T12:37:00.000-05:00This is beautiful Lorraine.My daughter Megan was b...This is beautiful Lorraine.<BR/><BR/>My daughter Megan was born November 17, 1966. She was placed in foster care while I struggled with THE DECISION. I kept staring into the wall of my rented room trying to visualize how life would be if I kept her and how it would be if I gave her up. The social worker had told me she had the perfect family but they wanted a child under 30 days old. I felt I could not let Megan stay in foster care for Christmas, and having no comfort with any decision, called the social worker on the 29th day. I told her I would let her go so "she would have some Christmas presents." I signed THE PAPER December 19th. I comforted myself with the thought that Megan made the dreams of a childless couple come true for Christmas, just like the woman in the news article Lorraine referenced. <BR/><BR/>Thirty-one years later I learned that Megan's adoptive family already had three children when they decided to call the adoption agency in JANUARY about adopting another child. They visited Megan in foster care (something I was not allowed to do) and, according to Megan, exclaimed "we'll take her!" Megan spent her first Christmas in foster care after all.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.com