tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post7702840472872181983..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: First mother reappears after 12 years--after a 'happy' reunionLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-67714640677742257372014-10-03T17:35:53.602-04:002014-10-03T17:35:53.602-04:00Barbara, you are a lucky woman. You have had, it ...Barbara, you are a lucky woman. You have had, it seems, what we all wanted for our children. To be loved, respected and nurtured.<br /><br /><br />MKnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-73741328086404694772014-10-01T16:11:56.602-04:002014-10-01T16:11:56.602-04:00What a wise mama you have. :)
"If only adopt...What a wise mama you have. :)<br /><br />"If only adoptive parents could let go of negativity toward birthparents. It can and should be done for the sake of your child. Life is too short and to precious to be wasted living in the negative." Amen to this! My husband and I were just talking about this the other night in relation to another adoption story I was telling him about. He said that he will never understand why any parent wouldn't want their child to be happy and feel complete- isn't that one of our biggest desires as parents, to see our children leading fulfilled lives? <br />Tiffanynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-13991371824258194452014-09-30T17:04:10.546-04:002014-09-30T17:04:10.546-04:00That would have been my next question Lorraine - w...That would have been my next question Lorraine - what can I do??? I guess you have just answered that!!! I feel like screaming sometimes!!!! Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13701182073621848954noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-88922143345810351682014-09-30T15:53:06.978-04:002014-09-30T15:53:06.978-04:00Barbara: would that you could convince my adoptive...Barbara: would that you could convince my adoptive parents of this. They could not be more negative and nothing will change them now. I am glad you had a decent experience. And I am jealous.Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-2355186362418520792014-09-30T15:10:25.278-04:002014-09-30T15:10:25.278-04:00My birth mother and birth father both had and cont...My birth mother and birth father both had and continue to have informative and supportive relationships with me as an adult at mid-life when we met, now moving up in my 50's. Between both of my birthparents, I have four half brothers and two half sisters. We have become close family including my adoptive family. All these relationships were supported and encouraged by my Mom (adoptive) who was delighted that my two birthparents and their families welcomed me any my children. Some reunions work out exceptionally well. I know I am blessed. As my Mom (adoptive) once said, "adoptive relationships need to be handled like all other relationships. Cherish and nurture the good parts. Let the rest take care of itself." If only adoptive parents could let go of negativity toward birthparents. It can and should be done for the sake of your child. Life is too short and to precious to be wasted living in the negative. Barbaranoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-49727619519097993982014-09-30T14:05:03.284-04:002014-09-30T14:05:03.284-04:00Oh! Of course I remember this story but I there a...Oh! Of course I remember this story but I there are so many story lines going here I lose track of the names. Your story just breaks my heart. I know another case where the daughter is in good and frequent contact with the father but denies the mother anything, always has. And the father was a jerk at the time she was born. <br /><br />As for me, I wouldn't send another letter or do anything drastic. Her father (your partner) may be able to help her, or not. It seems to me there isn't a damn thing you can do. I am so sorry. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-43643309527276385652014-09-30T11:57:43.344-04:002014-09-30T11:57:43.344-04:00Yan, Your story brings into high relief all that I...Yan, Your story brings into high relief all that I know about adoption and reunion. When my daughter was around, it was as if we could speak in shorthand all the time. I have written here it about her comings and goings in my life, but when things were good, they were very very good. As an added bonus, her parents were middle class (and had a more stable life monetarily than I ever did) had liberal political leanings, and were the Catholic parents that I stated I preferred. They were ...as strictly Catholic as my mother--though by the time I met Jane, I wasn't. Yet all of these things made our reunion go more smoothly than it might have otherwise. Yes, we were temperamentally alike (and I could see her father's traits too). You would never have doubted how we were related. The same is true when my granddaughter visits. Stores clerks say--Grandmother and granddaughter? to us. <br /><br />Yet all of the complications that you speak of were in Jane's heart and mind too. I know you speak for many adoptees. Thank you for leaving your comment.<br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-91046941867945921532014-09-30T11:40:14.229-04:002014-09-30T11:40:14.229-04:00Sorry Lorraine - I do tend to ramble a bit. The l...Sorry Lorraine - I do tend to ramble a bit. The letter I am talking about is the final cut off letter. I have sent an original letter and Lucy replied briefly. She knows where I am and how to contact me. As I have mentioned before my partner Dave (Lucys bfather) has been in contact with her for about 9 years now. She is happy to meet and speak with him regularly but is not ready to meet me. I feel that she is punishing me for making the decision. This is probably only my view of it but without any other reasons, that is all I have. Her amother has absolutely no issue with any of this. Hope that clears it up a little bit - a very confusing situation anyway.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13701182073621848954noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-16513928528478822502014-09-30T09:07:10.494-04:002014-09-30T09:07:10.494-04:00Clare Henry, I am confused--you have a letter and ...Clare Henry, I am confused--you have a letter and know where your daughter is but have not sent it? If that is the case, how is she punishing you if you have not made contact? <br /><br />I certainly felt "punished" at various times by my daughter. Eventually, I came to realize that probably it was always going to be like that. She couldn't help it. As another first mother said to me: We lost them when we gave them up. <br /><br />And her adoptive mother's condemnation of me certainly exacerbated the situation and increased her willingness to punish me. I think it would have been different if she had not lived nearby her adoptive parents after she married,and for years, her daughter from a first marriage mostly lived with the adoptive parents. The resentment of me--a "New York career woman" (which is what she called me)--just grew and grew, no matter how friendly she might be when we met. There is nothing in that description--New York career woman--that is a compliment to a nurse and adoptive mother in the Midwest. Nothing. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-14180726152033627542014-09-30T02:43:04.266-04:002014-09-30T02:43:04.266-04:00Thank you Trina. I am not angry about the situati...Thank you Trina. I am not angry about the situation - I have been but now I'm just confused and frustrated, and I guess becoming more resigned to the fact that this is never going to happen.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13701182073621848954noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-14280352359621474072014-09-30T00:51:10.575-04:002014-09-30T00:51:10.575-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Amyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10115696612301521540noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-63603078982031285662014-09-29T21:32:38.901-04:002014-09-29T21:32:38.901-04:00Julia Emily, my adoptive mother was much more open...Julia Emily, my adoptive mother was much more open when we met my first mother than I was -- but then, I'm a "naturally" more guarded person, emotionally and otherwise, than either of my mothers is. I'm going to say that after a ton of picking through all parts of my self in the past 4 years, that's part nature and part adoption. It's certainly not at all nurture.<br /><br />Things have changed over the course of my reunion, yes, but more with my adoptive mother than with my first mother. My first mother is much more cognizant of my boundaries and of respecting them and me than my adoptive mother is -- SHE raised me! She assumes she knows, rather than listening. In the years of getting to know my first mother, we are temperamentally so much alike that it makes things that are complicated with other people quite simple.<br /><br />My reunion has thrown my entire world into upheaval, repeatedly, though more than anything else in my own head. But it's forced me to learn things about myself that I need to know, about my own strength and perseverance. I didn't feel an instant connection and bond, or a "coming home" or anything. But I now have answers to questions I didn't know were questions because they've been there, as a part of my life, for so long. Even if eventually things break down, I don't regret it in the least. My family is just more complicated than most people's.Yannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-21241928001552334512014-09-29T21:20:38.692-04:002014-09-29T21:20:38.692-04:00Clare, since you have not made contact yet--you ha...Clare, since you have not made contact yet--you have no idea what your daughter will do. She may indeed reject you, but you have no idea what she will do. She may be waiting for you to reach out to her. I have heard many adoptees say, if my mother was interested in knowing me, she would have searched. <br /><br />I was scared, Of yes I was, but I felt that moving forward and making the call would always be better than simply wondering. <br /><br />I think of it in a feng shui way--if every time you pass a patch of weeds in your garden that need to be pulled, and you tell yourself, Oh those weeds need to be pulled up! I must get to it! You keep pulling yourself down with negative energy. How much better to see that same plot of ground and feel happy that it looks the way you want it to.<br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-3892473892774457142014-09-29T17:02:17.358-04:002014-09-29T17:02:17.358-04:00@Clare - if you feel like you're being punishe...@Clare - if you feel like you're being punished by your daughter, chances are that punishment is exactly what is occurring. Most first mothers, at least the ones I know, did not abandon their babies but rather surrendered to the forces of the industry. Yes, adoptees, and understandably so, feel abandoned and thus express their feelings firsthand by punishing the real mother. This punishment can cause a reunion to collapse. My advice to anyone contemplating a reunion would be to not enter into one with feelings of anger.Trinanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-85665738646448128562014-09-29T13:20:23.288-04:002014-09-29T13:20:23.288-04:00I think that Julia is spot on! People have to act...I think that Julia is spot on! People have to act like adults, not lie or be secretive. Sadly, I have always been adult and honest with my daughter.... about everything. Unfortunately, it is all one sided. I should have believed her when she said she hated me and that I should give her things rather than try to know her or connect with her. Sigh..... Every relationship is two-sided.... except relationships that aren't relationships.Lorihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05815710859859029536noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-65051332186865402342014-09-29T04:20:50.376-04:002014-09-29T04:20:50.376-04:00Yet again you are spot on with your comments and e...Yet again you are spot on with your comments and echoing my feelings - "Cutting off contact seemed attractive; at least it would provide certainty. I thought acting first would give me control, sort of like breaking up with your boyfriend before he breaks up with you. Yet I could not bring myself to do it." - this is how I feel already and we have not had the reunion yet. I do feel I am being punished by my my daughter and I do punish myself. I have written a letter which is yet to be delivered, where I give up! But I can't quite bring myself to send it. If there is one little chance of contact I have to hold on to it. But hope can also be negative - every time it amounts to nothing I sink further. How much longer can I hold onto this and risk my relationships (my emotions are not healthy) and my physical health? Should I just free all of us from the pressure/stress of thinking about contact? As I said I can't quite do that yet.......Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13701182073621848954noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-28632852303682608432014-09-29T03:59:38.972-04:002014-09-29T03:59:38.972-04:00There is too much hurt in adoption. Every single r...There is too much hurt in adoption. Every single reunion that I know of personally has gone south. And it is not always the adoptee who goes haywire....my adoptee friend is experiencing rejection right now from her half-sister. This is a half sister matched and confirmed through DNA testing....yet the woman does not want to believe it. The pain my friend is experiencing right now is unbelievable. And there is no reason for it.<br /><br /><br />Sometimes the first mother causes problems in the reunion, sometimes the adoptee, sometimes the AP's stick their noses where they don't belong, but I am beginning to feel that it can work only in rare circumstances. People have to act like adults and approach this subject without laying blame, without getting defensive, without lies and secrets. Adoption is built upon lies and secrets, so I think a lot of reunions may be doomed before they even happen. <br /><br />In my previous post I tried to outline how I feel about reunion, and everything I wrote was true. I wish I could feel like hugging and kissing my first mother, but I don't. I have been conditioned to feel this way. I would be cordial and open to communication, but the wall around me is too high. I am not demonstrative with anyone.....to be so with a person I really don't know would be impossible for me.<br /><br />It doesn't matter. I am convinced she is gone. All I would like now is to know what happened to her, and I would be satisfied. Hopefully this adoption did not damage her as much as it did me.Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-39382442057306232522014-09-29T00:35:47.565-04:002014-09-29T00:35:47.565-04:00Actually, I really don't know what do think. ...Actually, I really don't know what do think. First, I have tried to be there for my daughter and accept the limits that she set. Second, I have completely disconnected from her. I don't want to know anymore... or be connected to the insanity that seems to ensue with every attempt at reconnecting. Not just the emotional jumble that happens inside me, but the drama and bizarre behaviors that come from her. <br /><br />I truly wonder, at times, why anyone believes that reunion is good. I have yet to see one that is truly amicable..... more and more of them are simply a way to punish the abandoner.Lorihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05815710859859029536noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-55306403537559135262014-09-28T18:06:14.246-04:002014-09-28T18:06:14.246-04:00Robin! High praise from an astute critic and read...Robin! High praise from an astute critic and reader. (Of course, we think you are astute--you are a frequent visitor.) Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-12570838170240589252014-09-28T15:22:38.959-04:002014-09-28T15:22:38.959-04:00I must admit I had some trepidation when I saw the...I must admit I had some trepidation when I saw the subject of this post. I have felt in the past that FMF's position has erred too much on the side of encouraging adoptees to be understanding and compassionate of their first mothers even when our own needs aren't being met and are even being repeatedly hurt. I mean, I realize this is a blog for first mothers and of course your focus will be on her feelings, concerns, pov, etc. <br /><br />So I must say I was pleasantly surprised by your advice. While you outlined the many reasons that a first mother might decide to discontinue a reunion, I did not sense any underlying message that the adoptee should just keep putting up with whatever her fm dishes out. I think your advice was perfect; that Nicole should be open to another chance with her first mother but that she also needs to be assertive and say that this on again/off again relationship will not work for her. Nicole has the right to know why her mother terminated the relationship and her mother needs to know that barring something truly awful happening both she and Nicole need to be committed to the relationship for the long haul.<br /><br />Great job, Ladies. I think the adoptee pov is getting through. lolRobinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-58373065797977500312014-09-28T15:08:09.525-04:002014-09-28T15:08:09.525-04:00This is another excellent post. Since coming to FM...This is another excellent post. Since coming to FMF, I have tried, and am still trying, to see how the first mother feels about relinquishment, and reunion. I am not a first mother, but I am trying my best to rid myself of the brainwashing that always surrounded my first mother, and see the other side. You can't imagine how difficult this is.<br /><br />The adoptee's side is different. These are extremely treacherous waters to navigate. I am still pursuing my online search, but that is all I can do. It is all I can handle at this time.<br /><br />We all know how insecure my AP's are and have been all my life. They would ruin any chance of me having any kind of relationship with my first mother. That is not their right, but that is how they feel. I am tired of hearing it, tired of caring for them, tired of the whole thing. I do not have the strength to fight with them or defend myself to them at this stage of the game.<br /><br />If I were to secretly search, and meet my first mother, I could not run right into her arms. Remember....I do not know her. She may consider herself my mother, but I was raised by someone else and feel like someone else's daughter. It would take me a tremendous amount of time to feel comfortable with her. I am sorry to say so, but I'm afraid it is the truth.<br /><br />There is a wall around me, as there is with many adoptees. There has to be....I have been listening to remarks and ignorant comments all my life. I find it extremely difficult to get close to anyone, and even harder to trust. My first mother may have given birth to me, which I understand, but it would take me time to accept her as my mother. I have a mother. I heard about a girl who gave me up. I have gone almost 60 years without knowing her....I can not form a close bond now.<br /><br />I am not happy writing this, but I'm trying to explain how the adoptee feels. These are not feelings I am happy to have, but they are my feelings all the same.Julia Emilynoreply@blogger.com