tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post7784620080941012909..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Two Mothers, Part 2Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-54288044217452649492009-08-19T10:27:04.801-04:002009-08-19T10:27:04.801-04:00[“I feel like a magnet torn between two sides that...[“I feel like a magnet torn between two sides that are pulling at me. To move towards one, you have to pull away from the other.”]<br /><br />Even those of us who have always had supportive adoptive parents still fear that push-pull issue.<br /><br />That is why having adoptive parent support doesn't "heal" all the gaps.<br /><br />It's not that it doesn't help, because it most certainly does, but in the end, the adoptee is still torn by two families.Mei-Linghttp://littlewing04.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-64153302303464585712009-08-18T21:17:55.983-04:002009-08-18T21:17:55.983-04:00I was one of those adoptive parents who went all t...I was one of those adoptive parents who went all the way to China to adopt, in part out of insecurity and fear related to birth parents.<br /><br />Oh, how wrong I was! It was an easy decision then, when my child was really an abstraction, not a person to me. As she grew, and her interest in her birth family grew, and as my love for her grew, I would now give anything for us to have any kind of relationship with her birth family.<br /><br />Even APs who start out where I did have the opporunity to grow and change, and will do so when they finally get that it's about what their child needs.malindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06233439015219192874noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-37960313938730345572009-08-18T19:23:00.162-04:002009-08-18T19:23:00.162-04:00Issy, I'll try to answer your second question....Issy, I'll try to answer your second question. Adult adoptees I met in support groups said they didn't think about searching until they had completed their education and were settled in their careers, mid to late twenties. Some said they didn't think of searching until they had children of their own.<br /><br />Based on my reunion experience, I'd say yes, age matters. My daughter was 23 when she contacted me, and I think she'd agree she wasn't prepared for the consequences of her actions. It was a huge, uncharacteristic, impulsive move on her part, an immediate reaction to her father Fed Exing her adoption file records to her. An adoptee author I befriended at the time suggested that perhaps my daughter didn't really want to search, perhaps her father subliminally nudged her before she was ready. My daughter had recently graduated college and was living in a city where she knew no one. The honeymoon phase of my reunion was short-lived-- about as long as the relationship I had with her father come to think of it :)--and I told her I felt like a place holder, i.e., something to fill in the void until something better (marriage and family) came along. <br /><br />Based on discussions here on FMF and in my adoption circles, the most successful reunions tend to be with adoptive parents who have close, solid relationships with their children, and realize their children aren't seeking to replace them and their desire/need to search is natural and healthy. You're off to a great start.Lindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05958887097090820238noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-32244627290554602202009-08-18T18:10:49.853-04:002009-08-18T18:10:49.853-04:00Lorraine,
Your quote from Jane “I feel like a mag...Lorraine,<br /><br />Your quote from Jane “I feel like a magnet torn between two sides that are pulling at me. To move towards one, you have to pull away from the other.” really touched me and made me think. Perhaps that is why my son finds it so difficult to have a relationship with me. He must be so torn. Although I live close by and his parents moved out of state, it may still feel to him that he is being pulled in two directions.vmdsurvivorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16812179285048996028noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-79334524230671270552009-08-18T15:59:57.988-04:002009-08-18T15:59:57.988-04:00I have two (okay, more than two!) questions....
~...I have two (okay, more than two!) questions....<br /><br />~As a adoptive mother, when i read these posts, my heart hurts. I don't understand why an adoptive mother/parent would feel that way towards a first mother. The adoptive child should always be the first concern and if someone thinks that an adoptive child doesn't pick up on dislike between a first mother and a adoptive mother--well, they are so wrong. Is it "better" for a adoptive mother to try to stay out of a adoptive child's and first mother's relationship? Where should a adoptive mother be in that relationship, if anywhere? <br /><br />~Does age of an adoptive child matter when looking for a first mother? Isn't it better for a first mother and child to have contact no matter what the age of the child?<br /><br />Forgive me for my questions; i don't have anyone to ask these things to. I am still in the process of searching (i hired a searcher as this is in Guatemala) for Emma's first mother...and this, at least to me, is one of most important thing for me to do right for Emma.~Isabelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12437976653688457847noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-14959572110093006612009-08-18T15:10:41.197-04:002009-08-18T15:10:41.197-04:00I wish more of us adoptive parents understood that...I wish more of us adoptive parents understood that our children's first parents matter whether or not they are in their lives and would learn to make way for them. (I just wrote about this on my blog:<br />http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2009/08/14/bridge/)Dawnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04164833674841541784noreply@blogger.com