tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post8143296646234463231..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: FirstMother Husbands: How they handle the news of an earlier childLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-47700562870868508252009-06-21T18:10:13.824-04:002009-06-21T18:10:13.824-04:00I know that my first mother has told her husband. ...I know that my first mother has told her husband. I prayed that she would tell him that I contacted her via a CI. He was my hope as were her sons. Her sons have not been told about me that I know of. <br /><br />The lack of reunion and its aftermath has hurt my marriage. It is just now finally getting somewhat better. I can not say what would have happened if I had reunited.Amyadopteehttp://blog.amyadoptee.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-4180558638517436422009-06-20T11:39:15.320-04:002009-06-20T11:39:15.320-04:00My husband has always known and been supportive. T...My husband has always known and been supportive. This has not been the case for all mothers. Many of us had very little self esteem after surrendering and got into bad relationships and unequal, sometimes abusive marriages with controlling, bullying men. It is a matter of marrying "anyone" who will accept "damaged goods."<br /><br />For women in this position, it is difficult to be honest about surrendering a child, and even more difficult to form a relationship with the surrendered child if the husband forbids it. Men of this type who know about the surrender hold it over the woman's head as proof of her inferiority and his magnanimity for taking her anyhow. If he does not know, she lives in fear he will find out and leave or worse.<br /><br />These are not relationships based on love, but on fear and dependency which have gone on for years this way and are very difficult to change.<br /><br />Some mothers needlessly fear telling a loving husband they have been hiding the truth from, but others really do have reason to worry and fear a bad situation getting worse. <br /><br />Those of us with decent husbands are lucky, often that they just turned out to be decent guys, but others are not.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-61921266157055438592009-06-20T11:25:23.388-04:002009-06-20T11:25:23.388-04:00None of us at Birth Mother, FirstMother Forum had ...None of us at Birth Mother, FirstMother Forum had to deal with husbands who did not understand about the child we relinquished, and so we seem like such a fortunate jolly bunch. Maybe we were unusually lucky, but I believe that most men are and will be empathetic--especially if they hear about the missing child early on in the relationship, or soon after. Holding a secret is what makes it a problem. If you haven't told your significant other about a child who has been relinquished, and you intend to stay together, don't keep this inside any longer. If you are reading this, it's because your birth child is on your mind, and your partner should know.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-15037339669251492042009-06-20T02:01:09.470-04:002009-06-20T02:01:09.470-04:00This is such an important topic. Adoption impacts...This is such an important topic. Adoption impacts so many more people than the mother and child.<br /><br />My mother's husband rejected the idea of her having a child, or as she put it on our first meeting his point of view was , "No step-children". That really freaked me out. I pulled back big time after that. It hurt me to think of causing problems in her marriage, and it hurt me that he had taken that position.<br /><br />20 or so years later, his attitude has effected our relationship a lot.<br /><br />My husband as well was not too happy about reunion. It was more about attention, and me dealing with emotional fall out that took away from him, rather than thinking poorly of me. He got over it though.<br /><br />Feeling unwelcome in my mother's house though, has created a lot of grief and hard feelings on my part. As far as I know, her husband is indifferent to the situation, wait not indifferent to me, hostile toward me, but indifferent to the pain it has caused me, my mother and her kept children.<br /><br />Of course this is just my take, the lack of information from his side reduces me to guessing.joyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15658928829424953809noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-64998453020497034082009-06-19T21:57:26.940-04:002009-06-19T21:57:26.940-04:00The first Anon who posted here. First off, you thr...The first Anon who posted here. First off, you three sound like you have the most amazing men in your lives. I am so glad for you. BUT, and it's a big BUT, not all women have had such supportive husbands and the people who never surface here or anyplace else. . .the ones who want anonymity, secrecy, vetoes. . .may also be with partners that want *nothing* of this. How often, do you suppose, have these women shut off the possibility of contact because of their husband's views? Is this even talked about? I just think that you guys have such good relationships, you're forgetting about another hidden segment of the population. If you're telling women "there's no risk," are you really considering everyone's story? btw, I support open records. <br />Anon1Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-69799747790294372352009-06-19T19:09:03.719-04:002009-06-19T19:09:03.719-04:00I told my husband of 32 years before we were marri...I told my husband of 32 years before we were married. He always wanted me to find him and knew how important it was for me.<br /><br />we have since divorced, he did tell me one time, to stop beating myself up, about the adoption. <br /><br />seems men can do this guess that's why so many can walk away when the woman is pregnant. although different nowadays they have to pay child support! <br /><br />we as women can't walk away and our baby goes with us at least until adoption enters the picture and then baby is gone faster than one can blink their eyes.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-26685964378476065612009-06-19T18:20:13.432-04:002009-06-19T18:20:13.432-04:00I know someone from the scoop era who told her hus...I know someone from the scoop era who told her husband (not the father) before they married. It was a state secret before and after but even more so after because he shut down all discussion about the topic, apparently for the very old-fashioned reasons you allude to. According to someone who knows, he reacted negatively when she would bring up the subject up *yet again*. I have no idea what that means but I suspect on anniversaries, she was naturally inclined to talk about it. The whole event remains shrouded in secrecy to this day. I later went on to adopt and became estranged from this person for other reasons (or were they so other. . .I often wondered), so I don't know how this ended. I'm afraid I can't give any more details because the state secret thing has been drummed into me from Day 1.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com