tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post8174464389343065035..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Adoption Nation is No Country for Birth MothersLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger74125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-16309580093084426582011-11-21T09:51:37.318-05:002011-11-21T09:51:37.318-05:00Robin asked if first mothers were told that the OB...Robin asked if first mothers were told that the OBC would be sealed and a new one issued with the ap's names as mother and father?<br /><br />Not me. However, I was told I was relinquishing my parental rights. Apart from that I wasn't told much of anything. Once I told my parents it was basically a fait accompli.HeavenstoBetsynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-26333545866336452792011-11-20T13:57:36.453-05:002011-11-20T13:57:36.453-05:00I was not given a copy of anything that I signed. ...I was not given a copy of anything that I signed. I have the little ID bracelet they give you when you have a baby(with a piece cut out by one of the nurses(wonder why?), also the little bottle-top cover from the first bottle I fed him in the hospital, and also a little blue and white cloth to wipe his face after giving him a bottle, but can't find adoption papers anywhere! I like the title of this post This is certainly no country for birthmothers Before I searched for my son I got along with everyone at my job ,but when I started to search and talked about it at work, I didn't realize what I was bringing down on me I was so excited and happy to find my son and in that weird state of mind of a beginning reunion, I didn't realize that the room would turn to ice and people would shun me Well, they did-and I eventually had to quit-one of my bosses had an adopted child, there were a lot of single mothers,people with no children,etc and I guess different emotions depending on where one is .This was in the 21st century not 1960 and many people still considered me horrible,only today it's not because I had a baby when I wasn't married but because I didn't take care of him. I advise any mothers thinking about searching to go ahead and,by all means,find your child It's beyond words and definitely worth it For myself, it gave me peace of mind and although we are having problems now, it was great for 10 years.But don't talk about it at work if you need your job!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-67845152136426139022011-11-20T10:57:04.920-05:002011-11-20T10:57:04.920-05:00I sincerely wish I could remember all I was told. ...I sincerely wish I could remember all I was told. I do know that I named my daughter but it is not on her original birth certficate. I also named her father. I did think that the OBC would just be left alone. I can't recall ever being told it would be sealed and a totaly new one issued. I was not given any paperwork at all. I don't even remember were I signed the papers.<br /><br />I have a couple of calls into vital statistics about amending her original adding her given name. We'll see what the answer is.Janetnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-46275244764597379322011-11-19T16:44:02.586-05:002011-11-19T16:44:02.586-05:00Just pulled out my paper work. Nope, no guarantees...Just pulled out my paper work. Nope, no guarantees of anonymity in there anywhere, either implied or explicitly stated. I was not told my daughter would be issued a new birth certificate nor that the adoption records would be sealed and this was in 1993.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-19926475411015120802011-11-19T14:01:41.241-05:002011-11-19T14:01:41.241-05:00Pertman's "Lessons in Adoption From Harva...Pertman's "Lessons in Adoption From Harvard, B.J. Lifton, and Oprah" is astounding in its crassness. I too found it offensive.HeavenstoBetsynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-31551342137183205012011-11-19T12:48:53.498-05:002011-11-19T12:48:53.498-05:00Robin, I too was never told that the OBC would be ...Robin, I too was never told that the OBC would be changed... I too named my daughter, thinking that will be her name forever!<br />Has anyone here gone to Ancestry dot com, and put your names in the search, and have come up with the name that you put on the birth cert is related to you on the site? I was very surprised to find my daughter's name on there!!! What if I had wanted anonmity (sp?) - there it was in a public forum!!<br />Ran out of books to read from the library last night, and decided to re-read (third time now! LOL!) The Girls That Went Away...Leenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-91743889432587502462011-11-19T12:44:16.492-05:002011-11-19T12:44:16.492-05:00Robin et al - tried to post earlier but had techni...Robin et al - tried to post earlier but had technical difficulties. When I relinquished my daughter in 1976, I was advised that the original birth certificate would be sealed and her adoptive parents would be listed as her mother and father. I was never promised anonymity, nor did I request it. Now, the whole practice appalls me. It's a BIRTH certificate! The woman listed as her mother did not give birth to her, doesn't have the stretch marks to remind her that she once carried a child. Tis the holidays, excuse me for being a tad cranky.Gretchenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18192643286153380436noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-63910554215099719362011-11-19T11:36:45.910-05:002011-11-19T11:36:45.910-05:00The anonymity issue was directed at the parents of...The anonymity issue was directed at the parents of the girl. The promise was the nice middle-class girl could have her baby in secret and then go on as if nothing had happened. The parent's respectability was in tact.<br /><br />It was always a crap shoot based on who had control of the mother/child medical records. Private adoptions were seldom really secret. Certain agencies also pretended their records burned (or they actually burned them when the homes closed).SameOldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02824386757349786724noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-36108374596277014942011-11-19T11:33:16.677-05:002011-11-19T11:33:16.677-05:00p.s. (from the anon above)
I was also comforted/p...p.s. (from the anon above)<br /><br />I was also comforted/proud to see the name I'd selected for my child on the BC.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-44052142907325853582011-11-19T11:27:24.271-05:002011-11-19T11:27:24.271-05:00Robin,
I can't speak for moms from the closed...Robin,<br /><br />I can't speak for moms from the closed era. Those I have spoken with over the years were not told their children's BCs would be altered.<br /><br />But even in the "open" era, at least during the early portion (late 80s and 90s), I've not known a mother who knew her child's BC would be sealed and a new one fabricated. <br /><br />As for identity protection, everything in the hospital had my full name on it, which is what I'd have wanted. And when I filled out the BC paperwork, I was also comforted/proud to see my full name and the bio dad's first name on it.<br /><br />Conversely, even though it was to be an open adoption, I was not allowed (by my Bethany counselor) to know the last names of the adopting couple. I naively accepted that this was the way it worked. In the instances I'm aware of during that historical time frame,privacy was afforded to those who adopted rather than to the natural mom.<br /><br />What I suspect some are now told is that the BC will simply be "amended," upon which some assume "added to." I.e. that the adoptive parents names will be added after the first parent's names.<br /><br />Some moms may be completely informed. I think it depends now on who is doing the counseling/facilitating."Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-31248327192857883772011-11-19T06:02:15.970-05:002011-11-19T06:02:15.970-05:00This is certainly interesting. It sounds like as a...This is certainly interesting. It sounds like as a general rule, natural mothers were not told that the child's birth certificate would be sealed and another (with false information) would be issued. Then I have to say I totally agree it does not seem that n-mothers were promised anonymity from their relinquished child at all. Maybe in some cases it was implied but there certainly do not seem to be any documents from the adoption proceedings that spell this out or guarantee it. I thought that if mothers were routinely told that the OBC would be sealed and an amended one issued that there might be some argument that the mother assumed by sealing the OBC that her identity was protected. This doesn't seem to be the case so I don't think the promised anonymity argument has a leg to stand on.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-33589914397594704852011-11-19T00:40:29.864-05:002011-11-19T00:40:29.864-05:00Thanks for the info, Jane. You can get to my blog...Thanks for the info, Jane. You can get to my blog by clicking the blue "t" on my post. ("A Month of Awareness")<br /><br />Yes, it's the nitty gritty that counts, in the end.<br /><br />I was also shocked to discover, some time after the fact, that the OBC wasn't the only one. I'd also taken comfort in it.<br /><br />I thought it would simply be added to. Couldn't have imagined a new one would be so strangely constructed and the real one sealed ... it would have seemed dystopian to me.thttp://amonthofawareness.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-43748265742186229942011-11-18T23:09:13.483-05:002011-11-18T23:09:13.483-05:00is this a real book? seriously who buys this?is this a real book? seriously who buys this?jennhttp://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=518082724noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-91247025426863084032011-11-18T23:01:01.593-05:002011-11-18T23:01:01.593-05:00My poor dear mother was actually sent my OBC by ac...My poor dear mother was actually sent my OBC by accident, and she was so afraid, she sent it back. She actually thought "they" were going to come to her home and take it back. That she would get in trouble. I was her second pregnancy, both with my father. Dear old dad had her have an illegal abortion when she was 16. He worked all summer to pay for it. At least I was allowed to live.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-89052995267496408212011-11-18T22:19:39.174-05:002011-11-18T22:19:39.174-05:00When I found out--before my daughter was born--tha...When I found out--before my daughter was born--that the records were going to be sealed FOREVER I had a hard time believing that was the case. I argued, I begged, I argued some more as I naively I tried to convince her to make may case different.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-49681742854897480532011-11-18T20:52:26.034-05:002011-11-18T20:52:26.034-05:00Maryanne, I felt the same way you did. Additional...Maryanne, I felt the same way you did. Additionally, years later of course, I was equally shocked to find out that my child’s name had been changed. Naively, I thought that the name I had selected would be the name my child would have for life,and I took some comfort knowing that at least I had been able to provide my own child with a meaningful name.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-26626667640931176652011-11-18T20:50:52.100-05:002011-11-18T20:50:52.100-05:00t, Please give us a cite to your blog.t, Please give us a cite to your blog.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-46739815618863165962011-11-18T20:47:39.868-05:002011-11-18T20:47:39.868-05:00t, in the birth mother study, the Donaldson Instit...t, in the birth mother study, the Donaldson Institute was critical of those who close open adoptions. Pertman is a fierce advocate of openness in all things adoption. However, he doesn't talk about the nitty gritty of enforcing open adoption agreements. I doubt that there is any data on how many open adoptions close. To my knowledge, neither Pertman nor EBD has come out with any kind of plan to get legislation passed making open adoption agreements enforceable.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-46358049688341064852011-11-18T20:38:06.696-05:002011-11-18T20:38:06.696-05:00Leaping off from this post, I made one about men f...Leaping off from this post, I made one about men framing the adoption/birthparent experience... over on my blog.thttp://amonthofawareness.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-89646607226874163092011-11-18T18:52:57.631-05:002011-11-18T18:52:57.631-05:00Robin, I wasn't. I had no idea, I did not know...Robin, I wasn't. I had no idea, I did not know records were sealed from the adoptee. What was stressed was that I was giving up all rights to him. I wasn't thinking about the future, and was pretty shocked to find out a few years later that some adoptees wanted to search, and that the records were sealed from them. I always wanted to know what happened to my son, but it did not occur to me that adoptees would want to know their mothers because they were going to "perfect" families. I was not told I had and never wanted "confidentiality" from my son.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-85792747257325710902011-11-18T18:14:36.788-05:002011-11-18T18:14:36.788-05:00Were first mothers told at the time of relinquishm...Were first mothers told at the time of relinquishment that the OBC would be sealed and a new one issued with the adoptive parents' names listed as the mother and father?Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-15075836998034684182011-11-18T17:39:02.102-05:002011-11-18T17:39:02.102-05:00I've been out of the loop (intentionally) abou...I've been out of the loop (intentionally) about much of this for awhile. Thus, I'm not sure about Pertman's position on making open adoption agreements (post-adoption contact agreements) legally enforceable.<br /> <br />All I could find on the Donaldson Institute site was this:<br /><br />http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/policy/polopen.html<br /><br />No hard data exists (that I'm aware of) on the number of open adoptions that wind up closed.<br /><br />80% is a number that has been often quoted -- but I believe this number is speculative, based on quotes by one or two large agencies.<br /><br />Even if only 50% close ... that's too many. <br /><br />I wonder if the mothers (i.e. "mainly women") who find themselves on the closed end of an open adoption are addressed by Pertman.<br /><br />It would seem, as head of an "institute," in the age of open adoption, this would be of paramount concern to him.<br /><br />(And by "enforceable," I mean beyond the legal language that has been inserted into some state's legislative codes -- which is, in itself, mostly impotent.)<br /><br />Seems that would be at the top of Donaldson's list if he's truly after ethical adoption practices.<br /><br />If I thought it would do a modicum of good, I'd write to him. Sent a letter to Betzen years ago and his response addressed almost solely the moments after entrustment services he'd witnessed. (Religious services held at a new mother's bedside, wherein vows are made prior to physical relinquishment.)<br /><br />Maybe his position has changed, but at the time, he simply didn't address my concerns about the years that followed.<br /><br />Either way, I'd love to see an actual birth/first mom get taken seriously when it comes to leading public discourse.thttp://amonthofawareness.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-67756430189194755922011-11-18T17:22:17.496-05:002011-11-18T17:22:17.496-05:00Hmmm. I didn't find Pertman's column about...Hmmm. I didn't find Pertman's column about BJ, whom he called a "spectacular human being and cherished friend" and Oprah (since her personal connection to adoption) was revealed around the same time offensive. <br /><br />He was talking about increasing the public consciousness to adoption--and as he says "B.J.’s passion for greater openness, honesty and restoring the right of adoptees to access their original birth certificates." <br /><br />I have not read this new edition of Adoption Nation, but at least he is the voice of an adoptive parent urging openness. Smack me with wet noodles, and despite his short-comings (that incident with Faith Ireland is inexcusable) but I call him media-savvy. A birth mother friend calls him The Oracle because he is quoted so much, but when he is, he is for unsealing birth records. And so despite everything else, I see him as a force for the good of unsealing records.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-2907658798967940662011-11-18T16:52:23.645-05:002011-11-18T16:52:23.645-05:00Yes, t, what I quoted is in the book, page 142.Yes, t, what I quoted is in the book, page 142.Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05669797756463841249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-5555557304987489822011-11-18T16:33:24.332-05:002011-11-18T16:33:24.332-05:00For the Record:
ADOPTION WAS NOT IN MY BEST INTER...For the Record:<br /><br />ADOPTION WAS NOT IN MY BEST INTEREST.<br /><br />Signed,<br />a person who was adopted in infancy.Robinnoreply@blogger.com