tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post8443113620819089091..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: On Mother's Day: What does it mean to be not 'ready to parent'? Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger64125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-81827139715551515882014-06-17T04:29:58.565-04:002014-06-17T04:29:58.565-04:00Steve said: 'There should also be a 60 day per...Steve said: 'There should also be a 60 day period in which to rescind the adoption, to give coercion and duress enough time to wear off. '<br /><br />I was given a reasonable amount of time to change my mind (I think this was after one thing had been signed but before the adoption was finalised).However, I was also told I had next to no chance of getting my baby back even if I did change my mind - that that period of time was just a legal formality.<br /><br />All the time in the world doesn't change the central fact of a crisis pregnancy - that help is needed. It would probably only be for a short while, but what a profound difference that help would make.Cherrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-18233330430852304852014-06-16T17:28:47.145-04:002014-06-16T17:28:47.145-04:00Steve, the things you outline are all good, but I ...Steve, the things you outline are all good, but I can still see how a child could be lost to adoption even despite the things you say.<br /><br />I am writing from the UK. I was given six weeks to 'be sure I was making the right decision'. I could've been given any amount of time, but until the situation changed - until I could find some help from somewhere - the outcome was going to be the same.<br /><br />Once you're stuck in the headlights of adoption, it is hard to make any good decisions because you can't think. By the time your baby's born, you've been already been in those headlights for months.<br /><br />From my own experience, what would've made all the difference would have been a supportive environment outside my family - perhaps a community venture or a charity - where I could've learned how to look after my baby, and where I could've had my confidence built up that I was fine as his mother. I would've had to know about the existence of such a place, but it would have changed everything.<br /><br />With no confidence in yourself as a mother, and no skills to make sure your baby gets what he needs, you're just prey for whoever wants your baby. Cherrynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-43921056362637779772014-05-25T21:07:31.465-04:002014-05-25T21:07:31.465-04:00Good comment, Steve. Much appreciated.Good comment, Steve. Much appreciated.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-90392616572511291962014-05-19T15:04:59.254-04:002014-05-19T15:04:59.254-04:00Lorraine: I appreciate your point about not giving...Lorraine: I appreciate your point about not giving a baby away outside your extended family. Kinship adoption is definitely preferable. But it is also not without its problems. I have read a couple of different stories--one of which I believe you are familiar with--about kinship adoption going very wrong.<br /><br />What happens if the expectant mother is treated as a birth mother before the baby is born and the papers are signed? What if there is a belief that she is committed to providing a child for an infertile family member who desperately wants to be a parent? What if she is pressured into it, and then regrets it? Kinship adoption can be a good choice if a mother absolutely does not want to parent. But it should still be a last resort (a position I know you and Jane hold). Unfortunately, it runs the risk of being treated like the preferential scenario. <br /><br />It has the potential to destroy an entire family. Adoptive parents often have trouble knowing what to do with their child's first family. There are jealousies and insecurities. And being a blood relative doesn't eliminate those challenges. In fact...it could exacerbate them. It is harder to keep the child from its mother in these cases--unless the family disintegrates. The only way to close the adoption is to close down the family. And that just might be what winds up happening.<br /><br />My point is that I think that in a family adoption you have to go the extra 10 miles to make sure it is done right: encourage the expectant mom to parent; make certain there is no coercion (including from an outside group, like a church); not look to do the adoption immediately after birth--insist that she take a couple months to parent; make it clear that the adoption is not being counted on and expected of her, and that she doesn't owe anyone her baby.<br /><br />IMO the best way to ensure success in these cases is the same as with non-family adoptions: reforms to the system. Papers should not be signed for 60 days, with the new mother parenting during that time. Or 120 days if the child is not raised by the mother during the first 60 (when she comes home from the hospital). There should also be a 60 day period in which to rescind the adoption, to give coercion and duress enough time to wear off. All adoptions should take place in the presence of a judge, not in some shady lawyer's office, let alone a hospital bed.<br /><br />I would also like it if pre-birth matching was eliminated. Then again, I would like it if the for-profit adoption agencies were eliminated altogether. Finally, no woman under the influence of drugs should be allowed to sign. A woman under the influence cannot grant consent. <br /><br />I won't say that I want mandatory counseling--I'm worried that the women will get sent to crisis pregnancy centers. And we all know how they operate. Unfortunately, our society does not, and the poor women and girls who have the misfortune of finding them definitely don't know what they are in for when they walk through those doors. Stevenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-29691728198937956882014-05-18T11:11:55.304-04:002014-05-18T11:11:55.304-04:00Our position is: If you are going to carry a child...Our position is: If you are going to carry a child to term, you should do everything possibly to RAISE THAT CHILD. Do not give away your baby to anyone outside of your extended family. The choice that you talk about for feminists is making a choice for the life of another person. <br /><br />In this particular case, the woman then goes on to advertise how she knew the baby was meant for the right parents--not HER!--and basically congratulates herself for the choice she made. Stories like that urge other women to give up their babies. We are against any adoption that is unnecessary--and this young woman's was.<br /><br />I don't know if you are adopted or not, since you are anonymous, but I have been in gender studies classes at Princeton and the woman teaching the course could be working for Right to Life. Adoption was made to seem like a natural, wonderful "choice" for the woman having the baby. I was there as a guest--it was a fluke that the subject was adoption that day. Eventually the prof noticed I was having a quiet fit over what she was saying and asked me if I had anything to say. I did. I talked about how giving up my child transformed my life--and NOT FOR THE BETTER. Later I sent her some material about adoption, but never received an acknowledgment. Perhaps the point of my being there was to be heard by some student--who had been adopted but did not want to speak up. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-87812166412693653402014-05-18T11:01:31.467-04:002014-05-18T11:01:31.467-04:00K. Your previous comment was directed to us perso...K. Your previous comment was directed to us personally, objecting to our posting the comments from Dr. PhD. We pretty much post almost everything we get (except for spam, encouraging people to call a long distance number for voodoo magic), and realize that our adroit readers are going to strike back. It is worth knowing what it out there, isn't it? You don't see the comments we do not publish! <br /><br />As Marley once said, adoption is emotional. The anger can't be helped. <br /><br />As for not publishing your original comment--if you just want to complain about our choice of what we publish, please email forumfirstmother directly. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-76474354045869224642014-05-18T06:02:28.440-04:002014-05-18T06:02:28.440-04:00Interesting that abusive comments are put through ...Interesting that abusive comments are put through but comment calling that out are not.K.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-19132557454810024232014-05-18T05:48:12.995-04:002014-05-18T05:48:12.995-04:00What this "doctor" has posted would be c...What this "doctor" has posted would be considered a punishable breech of patient confidentiality. It's a very improper use of social media by a health professional https://www.ncsbn.org/social_media-JNR.pdfRain Clairhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14673396235819148444noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-73797567458043244532014-05-18T05:41:14.327-04:002014-05-18T05:41:14.327-04:00I can't believe you could possibly really be w...I can't believe you could possibly really be who you claim you are with this astounding breech of patient confidentiality! I hope if your story is true, your patient does read it here and drop you as her doctor. This is a public forum and you are telling us what you are treating your patient for and the content of private conversations during sessions! You could be lose your license to practice for less! Good grief! Don't you realize how easy it is to discover your identity? Rain Clairhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14673396235819148444noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-86874759400867676962014-05-17T22:57:16.915-04:002014-05-17T22:57:16.915-04:00Jane Edwards, I really feel you are using a broad ...Jane Edwards, I really feel you are using a broad brush here in an unfair way. I am an adoptee and a feminist and academic teaching gender studies. I long for a world without the necessity for abortion, or coercive contraception. It's not accurate to say that feminists support adoption; many of them do not think about it at all. I often include adoption issues in my teaching. I agree that adoption dropped when unwed motherhood was less stigmatized, and women gained more financial autonomy. It also dropped because women had other options after Griswold and Roe. <br /><br />Ultimately, feminists favor choice -- that is, a woman should be able to raise a child if she wishes, or not. We are not yet at a place where we can say that true choice exists, but that's what feminism is really about. Is this so hard to support?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-87150490987034038692014-05-17T22:41:11.697-04:002014-05-17T22:41:11.697-04:00Well, I'm an adoptee and I certainly recognize...Well, I'm an adoptee and I certainly recognize that my birthmother did not have much of a choice at the time. Yet, I can't seem to nurture regrets. I had a good family, have a wonderful adopted brother, three adopted cousins, and as a person I have discovered that I am a rather interesting combination of my parents and my birthparents in every way. Don't assume that all adoptees feel the way you do. Not everyone is full of regret or hatred. <br /><br />Yes, I mentioned support as crucial, regardless of the decision. Not harsh judgments easily rendered, which you're inclined to offer. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-78316932933352088922014-05-16T21:21:10.626-04:002014-05-16T21:21:10.626-04:00Ahh JEEZ...Bottom line there is not a soul born th...Ahh JEEZ...Bottom line there is not a soul born that WANTS to be adopted. We WANT to be brought up in our natural families...it's only normal. For a mother to say that they "are just not ready to parent" because they want a career, they want to climb mountains, they want their own life is just plain nauseating to those of us that are banished from a family for superficial reasons. <br />To the feminist who believe that the "woman's rights" comes first and truly believe that it's ok to toss babies out of a natural family because of really superficial reasons..remember a good half of those blank slate, burdensome humans are FEMALE and need to live with the fact that MOMMY dearest dumped me for her INDEPENDENCE or worse tried to convince a young mother that the kid is nothing but a burden and mommies life comes first is terrible. <br /><br />I agree with the quote that "not ready and can't parent are 2 different things. Not ready is morally rehensible and can't is in the best interest of the human being born. AND if adoption HAS to happen as a last resort(not a first choice) then the little human is MORE deserving of respect then ANY of the mothers involved. <br /><br />Adoption has become a sick, sick institution.dpennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-23585081239907689112014-05-12T21:20:16.502-04:002014-05-12T21:20:16.502-04:00Because birth involves a living breathing person w...Because birth involves a living breathing person who will one day be an adult, the woman's right to "choose" is not the same as it is before the fetus was viable. The choice should be between abortion, or raising the child. When a pregnant woman is "making an adoption plan" she is choosing not only for herself, but for another individual and society right now has made it seem like a wonderful choice. <br /><br />Over the moon, huh? Let's ask that child in twenty years if he feels the same way. <br /><br />As a last note, women today are not counseled about the lifelong impact of making an adoption plan. I mean, giving away their own babies to strangers. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-29958798828464559372014-05-12T21:16:42.743-04:002014-05-12T21:16:42.743-04:00Anon, let's be clear. Women have the right to ...Anon, let's be clear. Women have the right to choose abortion. Women have the right to choose adoption. . <br /><br />Adoption is not, however, just another reproductive option from the menu of option which includes abstinence, birth control, abortion, and nurturing as liberal institutions like the Center for American Progress claim Separating mother and child has grave consequences for both, for the father, and for society. The Child Welfare League of America, the Donaldson Adoption Institute, and many other authorities say that the natural family should be preserved when possible. Children are not fungible commodities.<br /><br />Feminists use "adoption is just another reproductive choice" to justify using their superior social and economic power to take another woman''s baby. Women who truly care about bettering the condition of women, should work towards the end of adoption. It's no coincidence that once women began to gain power in the 1970's and 80's, the surrender rate plummeted and the industry turned to countries where women had fewer right to get babies. Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-80521874403116880222014-05-12T20:49:31.564-04:002014-05-12T20:49:31.564-04:00Anon,
Absolutely there are women who don't wa...Anon, <br />Absolutely there are women who don't want to parent or are unwilling to parent. Such is the case with Sydney Syverson who I wrote about on this post although Syverson uses the more PC "not ready to be a parent." Clearly she put her needs and wants before her child's. Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-67640683364279529222014-05-12T20:49:10.382-04:002014-05-12T20:49:10.382-04:00The "choice" to end a pregnancy is heavi...The "choice" to end a pregnancy is heavily influenced by economics and family pressure. Quite a few parents do not want their teenage daughters to continue with a pregnancy. Quite a few boyfriends pressure women.<br /><br />I am very pro-choice, and have been so all my life. (Member of NARAL and Planned Parenthood.) But it would be naive to think that all women make these decisions without economic or emotional pressure.<br /><br />We need to recognize these emotional and financial constraints, work to mitigate the pressure, and respect that women have the ability and intelligence to make choices about their own lives. <br /><br />Women have the ability to make difficult decisions about their own lives. We are not incompetent. <br /> Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-27418060297203037182014-05-12T20:09:05.328-04:002014-05-12T20:09:05.328-04:00It looks like Dr. Adoptee is mad at his birther, i...It looks like Dr. Adoptee is mad at his birther, incubator, broodmare birthmommy, so he feels compelled to come to a site called FIRST MOTHER FORUM to slander and badmouth her (and the rest of us while he's at it). <br /><br />I notice that quite a bit, actually. If these people have so much contempt and hatred of their natural mothers and would be "insulted" to wish her any form of humanization at all, be it a mothers day wish or otherwise, why mention her at all? Why troll natural parent blogs and leave comments? Seems to me if someone wished someone away so badly they would not be taking time out of their all encompassing, perfect, wonderful lives (and time away from those adoptive families they love and honor soooooooooooo much) to leave nasty, hurtful and degrading comments on Mother's Day weekend, of all days. <br /><br />Things that make you go hmmmmm...Who knows?noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-19016464340131111112014-05-12T19:30:53.484-04:002014-05-12T19:30:53.484-04:00Jane and Lorraine:
For all that I have read on yo...Jane and Lorraine:<br /><br />For all that I have read on your site, you always give excuses for women who place. Meaning, "it wasn't their fault." When will you realize that just because a women can produce a child, doesn't mean she wants to be a mother OR will be a good mother? It's 2014, when will you all just admit that there are some women who don't want to parent!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-64528813581807972802014-05-12T16:41:39.886-04:002014-05-12T16:41:39.886-04:00Treating adoption as a matter of "reproductiv...Treating adoption as a matter of "reproductive rights" is simply wrong. The feminist ideal of choice (created to counter right to life promotions) ignores the difference between abortion and adoption.<br /><br />Choices are not made in vacuums. They are influenced by direct or subtle marketing campaigns. We see this in tobacco advertising where the industry trumpets that smokers choose to smoke. Thus the industry disavows any responsibility for the 400,000 deaths that occur each year from smoking. . <br /><br />We know that the "choice" to give up one's child to biological strangers is heavily influenced by marketing. The US has a much higher rate of "voluntary" infant adoption than other western countries, about 125 per year in England and Wales, for example, compared to 15,000 in the US with only 5.5 times the population. <br /><br />While smokers may "choose" to smoke, they do not choose early death from lung cancer or heart disease. Likewise, there are consequences in adoption for both mother and child which mothers would not have chosen but were unaware of or could not comprehend. <br /><br />We write on at FMF in part to counter adoption industry propaganda, whether it comes directly from the industry or new first mothers parroting the industry line as they bask in attention and try to convince themselves they made the right decision. We encourage mothers to choose family preservation because we know from our own experience and that of many of our readers of the adverse consequences of adoption to ourselves and our children. We can pity those who make choices out of ignorance but we can't support the poor choice. <br /><br />Although your friends may be "over the moon," I doubt that the boy's mother joins them in outer space. She is is likely fighting tears every time she thinks of her son. As for the boy, being raised with people who do not share his appearance, talents, or interests increases the likelihood that he will be institutionalize, use drugs, or kill himself. <br /><br />We agree there should be much more support for mothers like Wanda Pratt who want to raise their children. A high adoption rate such as the US's indicates societal failure.<br /><br />For more on the illusory concept of choice, please read our response to the Adoption Option, link at the top..Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-90274665975120891632014-05-12T15:49:01.412-04:002014-05-12T15:49:01.412-04:00I agree with the others. Dr? Adoptee is a troll. A...I agree with the others. Dr? Adoptee is a troll. And a very mean to post such comments on Mother's Day.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-4201788236424287332014-05-12T15:25:10.173-04:002014-05-12T15:25:10.173-04:00I come here every few months to read and reflect, ...I come here every few months to read and reflect, but this post feels a bit like missing the forest for the trees. <br /><br /><br />One large tree in the way is the aversion many of us have to the current mentality of the adoption system, which no longer relies on stigma and has shifted entirely to economics. I share this aversion, but that does not mean all parties are guilty of thinking a certain way.<br /><br />As a feminist and teacher, I support reproductive rights. Yes, many women today might choose abortion. They often find the experience difficult and do not always receive support. While we can question the notion of "choice" -- it often ends up in quotation marks for a reason -- in this case a young woman chose adoption. We can also question what "ready to parent" means, but isn't this part of supporting choice? A poor Black woman chose to raise her sons rather than subject them to a foster system, even though this meant hunger and poverty -- shouldn't we be angry about the lack of support she received, even as we hold another birthmother in judgment? <br /><br />Two friends of mine who tried for years to have a child recently decided to adopt. It's an open adoption, which they felt would be the right thing for their son. They are over the moon and I'm happy for them. <br /><br />We shouldn't assume that the birthmother in this case didn't have difficulty making a choice; she is offering a rationale and we can disagree with it, but ultimately I'd rather be supportive of the choice she made, just as I would have supported an earlier choice to terminate. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-62430353432358530082014-05-12T12:12:54.100-04:002014-05-12T12:12:54.100-04:00"Dr Adoptee" is clearly not actually a r..."Dr Adoptee" is clearly not actually a real psychologist because no counselor would actually come and comment with such detail about a client on a blog, especially one that they are aware the client reads. Although not a technical breach of confidentiality, it is borderline behavior in which no counselor, or at least no ethical counselor, would behave. It's just someone spouting off opinions with either the hopes of getting a rise out of people or lacking the confidence to simply state their thoughts without trying to pretend to give them false elevation through a made-up profession.Tiffanynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-35920783921361255332014-05-12T10:23:21.361-04:002014-05-12T10:23:21.361-04:00Why would one so lacking in compassion and empathy...Why would one so lacking in compassion and empathy (Dr. Adoptee) ever consider therapy as a profession?maybehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07067284504038707207noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-30529887590009749422014-05-12T08:16:03.350-04:002014-05-12T08:16:03.350-04:00Mark the a-Papa: Yes, it does mean that. Women mus...Mark the a-Papa: Yes, it does mean that. Women must have the right to control their own bodies, not be governed by a man-made religion. If they are not free, they are no more than breeders. <br /><br />If every man who impregnated a woman had to carry the child, abortion would be a sacrament. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-14001204230228804352014-05-11T22:42:29.955-04:002014-05-11T22:42:29.955-04:00Jane & Lorraine--
Read often--comment rarely....Jane & Lorraine--<br /><br />Read often--comment rarely. Love the blog. Saw this video of another amazing single mom, thought you'd enjoy:<br /><br />http://www.nytimes.com/video/business/100000002871036/thrift-store-shame-then-pride.html<br /><br />Happy Mother's Day.Sunnynoreply@blogger.com