tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post8511547595041319783..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Be thankful for the people with youLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-26261256809237966162015-11-30T18:26:48.203-05:002015-11-30T18:26:48.203-05:00Oh! New and Old, I understand exactly! After I me...Oh! New and Old, I understand exactly! After I met my daughter, I got very very sick and stayed in bed for a couple of days, taking heavy does of antihistamines and sleeping and weeping. And your reactions to babies mirrors mine. No, I don't want to hold your baby. No, I don't want to see ten pictures of your adorable infant grandchildren. I have basically avoided to some degree little girls and boys too, but it's really infants who rattle my cage. Even if I don't consciously think about it, I realize now that is exactly what is happening. <br /><br />It sounds like you are making progress, however, so keep it up. I was always able to hug my daughter even if at first she was stiff--in front of her adoptive father! Hole In My ♥ goes over this in detail if you want to understand better how you are not alone in your reactions. Just keep plugging away at it. Peace of mind, yes, is so elusive. <br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-59235361867087601942015-11-29T17:12:36.461-05:002015-11-29T17:12:36.461-05:00And if we are making any progress at all, even jus...And if we are making any progress at all, even just within ourselves, not involving other people, I think we can be thankful. After 1 year in reunion, I can say that it has been one long panic attack for me, and the last few weeks have been particularly bad. There is a wild pendulum swinging back and forth between extreme joy and extreme dread. I wish this situation were easier, and that there were something in between. <br /><br />However, today I went to Baby Gap and bought a birthday gift for my grandson (birthday coming up shortly). Last year I tried to do the same, and felt faint and like I was going to pass out, and had to leave the store abruptly. This year, I felt like a stranger in a strange land - clothes for small children? I avoid babies and small children if I can, I don't even hold them if someone shows me their baby, and I didn't pick up my grandson at all or touch him, until close to the end of our visit last Spring. I was afraid to, and they did not ask me to (thank goodness). I also did not hug my son, although we hadn't seen each other in 35 years, and he didn't hug me. I hugged him once as we said goodbye.<br /><br />A few weeks ago my son and his wife came to visit my husband and me. There was some hugging, kissing and we both were a little more relaxed (my son and I). The day after they left, I couldn't get out of bed, I cried for 4 hours and couldn't speak to my son. This might be the "mourning" that my husband says I never went through. It's been very sad since, and I've generally been jumpy, nervous and panicky.<br /><br />But I looked at everything today at Baby Gap, chose some things, put them back, and finally decided on something that I felt would be good. I wanted to bolt, and started to - but did not. <br /><br />Something from "Grandma" - I'm not sure I'm completely comfortable with this role, but it will make my son and his wife happy. As for me - time will tell. But I think today was a step in the right direction. I got a very cute birthday card for him too - With an image of an animal he may recognize (a visitor to their yard). In any event it, will make his father, my son, smile. That's important to me.<br /><br />My older son, who wants nothing to do with me - at least I know he is healthy, and has a wife and family who make him happy, and lives in region that he loves and has been good to him. That means a lot, also, and I am thankful for that. Peace of mind is elusive, so if it's possible to have "a little" peace of mind, that is good.new and oldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17362285131091164702noreply@blogger.com