tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post8520601828386962498..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Our Christmas Gift: No rise in adoptions during lean timesLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-53503486195638399062009-12-30T15:24:17.620-05:002009-12-30T15:24:17.620-05:00As an adoptive mom, it breaks my heart to see what...As an adoptive mom, it breaks my heart to see what birthmothers go through. I lost my bio son, who was born without a left ventricle, and I can empathize with those of you who have been cut off from your children with little hope of being reunited .<br /><br />My daughter's birthmom found us through an ad I placed without agency help and she told me that if I didn't take Teagan, she would be taken away by the state when she was born and she wanted to have a choice in where she ended up. We developed a strong friendship during the course of her pregnancy and it broke my heart when she cut off contact with us shortly after our daughter was born (she is OUR daughter- Mine, My husband's, and Liz's). <br /><br />I will never hide my information to prevent her from finding me and I hope that if she needs me, she can find me. I also made sure she knows how to get in touch with my parents if she can't find me. The last I heard, she was arrested for being transient and I found the police report too late to do anything for her. When Teagan is old enough to ask questions, I will be honest with her and make sure she knows she is loved by everyone involved.<br /><br />I understand your anger at the adoption industry and sometimes look at adoption sites that have birthmothers listed like an online shopping center. I would like my family to grow through adoption, but I believe that I have a responsibility to my daughter and future children that I do it in a way that protects everyone involved, including the birthmother. Do you guys believe that adoptions can be handled ethically or even that at some points, they are in the best interest of those involved? My daughter is African American and it breaks my heart that a lot of adoption sites promote what I feel is a sort of "Black kids at a discount" program based on the fact that they're not viewed as desirable unless they actually come from Africa. <br /><br />I'd be interested to learn of any positive experiences you've had with the families of your children or whether you've been able to participate in their lives as they've grown. I wish I could share Teagan's life with her Birthmom.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09845697560760795718noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-15255237959937770492009-12-23T17:03:45.697-05:002009-12-23T17:03:45.697-05:00Triona that's right you can't speak for yo...Triona that's right you can't speak for your mother. But you have of course every right to your opinion. I am sorry you have not had the chance to speak to her, that is not nice.<br /><br />Maybe it was a reason for her but not *the* reason, I doubt it was the main reason she relinqushished you. I could be wrong of course. Maybe I see to much good in other people, I don't know.<br /><br />Are less women relinquishing now? I hope so.KimKimnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-45430980634371300082009-12-23T14:06:16.454-05:002009-12-23T14:06:16.454-05:00KimKim said: "Who gives up their child so tha...KimKim said: "Who gives up their child so that their life can be improved?"<br /><br />I can't speak for my mother especially since I have only talked to her through an intermediary, but my impression is that this was at least part of her reasoning. Yes, she also wanted me to have that oft-promised "better life," but I think she was too ashamed of how her family would react, how it would stifle her future prospects and how that would reflect on them. She was the oldest child and no doubt expected to be an example to her brothers and sisters. She was also 24 and a college graduate with her career ahead of her. I think she grabbed onto the false promises of adoption with both hands because they offered her a way out of the situation. And I don't blame her for that. Given the brainwashing of the industry I would have been surprised if she'd been able to resist it. Becoming a successful professional may have been a way for her to dilute, in her own mind, the social stigma of being an unwed mother.<br /><br />I for one am glad more women are keeping their babies. If we took even a fraction of the funds that go toward promoting adoption and redirected them toward helping mothers in need, what a difference that would make!<br /><br />As for "product," I have no problem with the usage of the word whatsoever. It's a stark fact that adoptees are marketable commodities, bought and sold like anything else. If that makes people uncomfortable, good. Maybe it will make them take a closer look at the less savory aspects of adoption.Triona Guidryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00969598333210972017noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-78075267818383810072009-12-22T17:59:01.383-05:002009-12-22T17:59:01.383-05:00I called the wrong person and idiot too, must apol...I called the wrong person and idiot too, must apologize about that. I thought the reporter made all those ridiculous comments about why women relinquish. It was actually someone who is a spokeswoman for an adoption agency.<br /><br />That makes it even worse, she's supposed to work in adoption and have contact with women who relinquish all the time.<br /><br />How insulting that she thinks they do that because they want to make their lives easier.<br /><br />Oh well, not going to be annoyed about someone who is a so called adoption professional helping talking to the media and creating even more misunderstanding about relinquishing mothers.KimKimnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-37336913074434606022009-12-22T05:29:54.869-05:002009-12-22T05:29:54.869-05:00Sorry Lorraine, it could have been said a bit less...Sorry Lorraine, it could have been said a bit less passionately.KimKimnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-88760886237647686802009-12-21T08:53:29.198-05:002009-12-21T08:53:29.198-05:00Lorraine, my apologies for getting rather...uh, st...Lorraine, my apologies for getting rather...uh, strident... in my comment. It wasn't my goal to set a critical tone.<br /><br />And this: <i>knowing it was the right thing for me to me</i> should be "knowing it was the right thing for me to do".Maurahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17301288188119355801noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-24963608831381592502009-12-20T23:17:15.062-05:002009-12-20T23:17:15.062-05:00Lorraine your post said "encouragement to rel...Lorraine your post said "encouragement to relinquish their babies and make them feel better about doing it: that someday their children might be "proud" of them" and it struck a huge gong in my head.<br /><br />For many years, in order to get through this ordeal, I used the coping skills I learned in foster care. <br /><br />1 - Never let anyone in close enough to cause real pain (except I let my spouse in). <br /><br />2 - Never want anything, it won't be there. <br /><br />3 - Live only for yourself, because you are the only one that counts.<br /><br />That was on the outside. The inside was a whole different line. I lived for the day I could search. I looked at every child who would even remotely be similar to mine with a care that made some mothers uncomfortable. I still do not go near the baby section of any store. I never said outright that I did not have my daughter with me, but simply acted as if she was there. Basically, I lived in a fantasy.<br /><br />But your words, they woke up something I told myself, right up until the moment I found my daughter. "She would be proud of me because I went to college and was in the Army and, and, and...." It was my way of keeping my fantasy of what reunion would be like alive.<br /><br />But, like all things, this too ends. Now, I go to school for me. I do things because I want to and because I am proud of myself. <br /><br />Yes, she is proud of me, even when she is a little afraid that I am "too good" for her. <br /><br />Maybe our relationship is strange. Unlike most I seem to have to be vulnerable to be real to her. Yet, no clay feet, just very much human. <br /><br />I love a line from a book - "Wizard's First Rule" - it goes something like this: People will believe what they want to believe, no matter how improbable. A person will question those beliefs."<br /><br />In other words, this columnist, who wrote quite eloquently about how things are bad for the industry (slavery is always an industry), made statements that scared young women and their over protective, usually confused parents want to believe. That one day, maybe, their child will be proud. Or that if it is an open adoption it is somehow less painful.<br /><br />Regardless, this is the institution of lies. And, simply put, it is easy to follow and difficult to lead. For following is simply putting your feet in the same steps as those before you. Leading is making your own path.<br /><br />JMHO - ThoughtsLorihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05815710859859029536noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-34104910566813465052009-12-20T19:11:12.039-05:002009-12-20T19:11:12.039-05:00Everybody, please resist from name calling. We do ...Everybody, please resist from name calling. We do not have the power to edit comments, and do not wish to not post a comment because of a careless remark but it does happen. And will.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-83072872429301651132009-12-20T18:59:24.206-05:002009-12-20T18:59:24.206-05:00Thanks for pointing that out Maura, it kind of esc...Thanks for pointing that out Maura, it kind of escaped my notice.<br /><br />what was that woman thinking writing that?<br /><br />Who gives up their child so that their life can be improved??? It's not about your life it's about the baby....<br /><br />Sorry am I wrong here? Who relinquished so that their life could be better, so that they could do well for themselves??<br /><br />I relinquished because at the time I felt I was not qualified to be her mother, I did not feel mature enough to parent and truly believed the people who adopted her were superior to me. I also believed they were more deserving of her. <br /><br />I rellinquished her because I thought it would give her a chance. It had nothing to do with me wanting to do well.<br /><br />All the stuff I wrote is what I fed day in and day out by other people and fed to myself. Brainwashed.<br /><br />Still confused, not sure if it was better for her to have been adopted. Too late to change it now.<br /><br />YEAH dumb reporter, why don't they ask mothers, that would make a nice article.<br /><br /><br />So if you are not going to get a good job you may as well keep your baby? OMG how stupid is that?<br /><br />Does it get more stupid than that?<br /><br />I bet it can....KimKimnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-29239229409624421152009-12-20T17:53:26.937-05:002009-12-20T17:53:26.937-05:00“I think if some of these pregnant women felt thei...<i>“I think if some of these pregnant women felt their lives could be improved upon by being able to get on their feet and do well by themselves,” Ms. Smith-Pliner explained, “and have the baby they placed be proud of what they’d been able to accomplish, then it’s a different decision. It’s a difficult decision, but something about it might feel good.<br /><br />“But if the achievable goal, a half-decent job, isn’t an option to work toward, then I might as well keep the baby — that’s tangible,” she continued. “You wake up every morning and there’s that beautiful baby.”</i> <br /><br />Maybe I'm dense, but I honestly don't get what Ms. Smith-Pliner is saying here. I think she would have done herself a huge favor by just saying "I don't know". <br /><br /><i>It’s a difficult decision, but something about it might feel good.</i> <br /><br />What the...??? Good God, has she ever spoken to a woman who has surrendered her child? I made my decision with *no coercion*, knowing it was the right thing for me to me, and it never felt good.<br /><br />And even in this statement, babies end up sounding like commodities.Maurahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17301288188119355801noreply@blogger.com