tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post8806460087367192082..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Hoping for tough questions Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-29507022883497460562015-07-21T17:21:52.948-04:002015-07-21T17:21:52.948-04:00Elizabeth wrote: "Your book is refreshing whe...Elizabeth wrote: "Your book is refreshing when compared to the pro-adoption crap that floods the media and literary markets."<br /><br />And it is a travesty that it is all the pro-adoption crap that finds a publisher, and yet when a respected and published author writes about the other side of adoption (aka the truth) she has to self-publish. It just shows how our culture is manipulating the general public in terms of what people get to hear and understand about adoption. Thank heavens for blogs like this one and for courageous writers like Lorraine.<br />Robinhttp://www.allinthefamilyadoption.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-81555808932644733902015-07-20T20:47:15.311-04:002015-07-20T20:47:15.311-04:00The interview went well. I may write about it tomo...The interview went well. I may write about it tomorrow as a blog. I was emo all day. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-15296954625936637332015-07-20T20:44:12.449-04:002015-07-20T20:44:12.449-04:00Elizabeth, thank you so much for writing. It's...Elizabeth, thank you so much for writing. It's a tough slog to publish yourself and do everything and hearing from you makes it seem ...like I did the right thing. I sometimes wrote I will admit through my tears and there are times when even now I can't read certain passages out loud without choking up. <br /><br />Comments like yours mean the world to me. I hope you and Gail can have a long and relatively untroubled life ahead of you. No one gets along with their mother all the time! Just don't slam the door so hard it can't be opened. <br /><br />Namaste. <br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-34242560347146757752015-07-20T18:36:08.244-04:002015-07-20T18:36:08.244-04:00Hi Lorraine, it has been a long time since I'v...Hi Lorraine, it has been a long time since I've commented on your blog. I wanted to say thank you for writing such a powerful book. My mother Gail lent it to me per my request. Your book is refreshing when compared to the pro-adoption crap that floods the media and literary markets.<br /><br />I have to tell you that at times I had to stop reading because it is difficult to read when your eyes are burning with tears. When you wrote about your reunion I was catapulted back in time to 1985 when I met my real family. The emotions of that time make my hands tremble as I type this.<br /><br />I also want to thank you for fighting so hard and so long for open records. It is disgusting that this has been a losing battle since the 70's.<br /><br />Elizabeth<br />(the name my mother gave me)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-37423816932072709742015-07-20T00:14:10.376-04:002015-07-20T00:14:10.376-04:00Gail, do you have a link to the voices of the gay ...Gail, do you have a link to the voices of the gay couple adoptees pleading their plight before the Supreme Court? They wouldn't have been allowed to argue before the Court unless they had filed a friend of the court (amicus curiae) brief. I haven't seen anything about adoptees of gay couples filing such a brief. Jane Edwardshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09715622112694146946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-48271521303271029542015-07-19T13:44:16.894-04:002015-07-19T13:44:16.894-04:00The only people that I'm aware of how who show...The only people that I'm aware of how who show up to complain about sealed records are judges and lawyers who think they are serving the public interest. The show up the say unsealing records will destroy the lives of those straw women out there,women in their imagination. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-87930740877521542192015-07-19T13:41:16.740-04:002015-07-19T13:41:16.740-04:00There is no "trap" in any interview.
I ...There is no "trap" in any interview. <br />I had some really difficult and angry interviews with Birthmark came out So it goes. Nothing could faze me now. But it won't be like that at all. And while I may get questions that cut to the bone, I am prepared by years of dealing with them.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-60450646448271083442015-07-19T13:29:02.085-04:002015-07-19T13:29:02.085-04:00Maybe they did. So what? There are malcontents eve...Maybe they did. So what? There are malcontents everywhere. How are they any different from the people who show up regularly to complain that unsealing records would eff up their lives? What is the purpose of your remark except to stir up bigotry?<br /><br />Have you read the Brodzinsky/Dobaldson Instuitute research on adoption by gay couples? Maybe you should. Jessnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-73283654181623404282015-07-19T13:16:27.725-04:002015-07-19T13:16:27.725-04:00I hope that the interviewer realizes that some of ...I hope that the interviewer realizes that some of us (perhaps even most) were caught in the adoption trap due to the lack of financial resources - my social security statement shows I earned $192.00 the year I became pregnant. I had no access to money as bank loans and credit cards were not available to me at the time. I applied for several minimum wage jobs and was not hired. I later found out that pregnant women were not welcome in the labor force in my area. My then boyfriend and now husband had to drop out of school and work two jobs to pay for medical expenses. We were not told about any other options like welfare or temporary foster care. We had zero help from family for different reasons and were completely on our own. So, the adoption forces won. If I had had enough money for food, clothes, and shelter, I certainly would never have surrendered. Perhaps this played some role in the fact that I felt driven to find my daughter and I did, just like Lorraine did in the state of NY!gailnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-72063938614178148992015-07-19T11:58:16.415-04:002015-07-19T11:58:16.415-04:00Oh, I certainly didn't take it personally. My ...Oh, I certainly didn't take it personally. My husband is the one who read her feelings about being adopted into that casual statement. There's more but I don't feel comfortable talking about it here. <br /><br />So glad you came to your "senses" and decided to move forward with your son. It's always the feeling that something is going to change that scares us all. <br />Good luck to you and thanks so much for writing your story here. We need to hear from more women like you. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-67970491467182295372015-07-19T11:55:47.987-04:002015-07-19T11:55:47.987-04:00I hope you're not walking into a trap Be caref...I hope you're not walking into a trap Be careful.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-36392095104783965842015-07-19T11:55:02.682-04:002015-07-19T11:55:02.682-04:00As for the suggested questions: Many publicists se...As for the suggested questions: Many publicists send out material like this about issue books, which Hole in my♥ certainly is. They pinpoint the issue and opinion the writer is making in the work. Those doing any stories or reviews are free of course to use them or not. Also, I wanted to clarify in my mind what absolute facts I wanted to have on hand if I am asked how many women feel like me about meeting the children they gave up for adoption and other things. In this case, to not do the questions would be losing the opportunity to put the issues before the interviewer in case she has not read the whole book or just wants to talk about my personal story, which is not the point. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-5067753359588246932015-07-19T11:33:56.312-04:002015-07-19T11:33:56.312-04:00Not friendly, but borne out of frustration and hur...Not friendly, but borne out of frustration and hurt. If the system did not deprive people of the right to know about their birth parents - a birthright above all birthrights - it would not have to a term described as hate. Having been placed for adoption is a primal wound, and withholding a birth certificate is rubbing salt in the wound, continually. It is also denying a civil right, as others have pointed out.<br /><br />Having said that, I am a birthmother who was contacted by my son after 35 years. I was very scared, and I might have been one of those mothers, who, if given the chance, would have opted for no contact. I'm not 100% comfortable, and sometimes still go back and forth - after more than 8 months - about whether I am happy about it or not. But after contact, I asked for some time to think it over. I ultimately decided, of all the people to be afraid of in life, I shouldn't be afraid of my own children! At some point, you have to let common sense play its part, and follow your conscience.<br /><br />My own family behaved like cowards toward me, and I was a skeleton in their closet. I know well the feeling of hating a parent. But luckily for me, my parents and siblings were excellent role models in how NOT to treat a family member. So I decided to welcome reunion with my son into my life, and maybe there is something I can do to add to his life. We had a phone call at Christmas, and he said that he had been trying for years to find me, without success. It made me very sad, to think that he was so sad about it for so long. I just assumed that there was no interest, since I didn't hear anything all these years.<br /><br />Fear can paralyze a first mother, and most of the fears are unwarranted, as it turns out. Adoptees have their own young lives, and I think they mostly want affirmation.<br /><br />So no, adoptees don't want to harm their mothers. Their main interests are did you love them? Can you say anything about how they were as a baby? <br /><br />My other son wants nothing to do with me, and I am not allowed to have his contact information. I did write a letter to him, which was mailed by my other son to him. I invited him to express any feelings he may have, even if hey are not good, it is important. (He didn't answer, and may never answer.) Will just have to wait and see.<br /><br />So first mothers, i would say don't let the word "hate" alarm you and don't take it personally. The anger and hurt is justifiable, and will take time. But when I read on this blog the posts of people who are almost 60 years old and they still are not granted access by law to their birth certificates, That makes me very angry. It seem so wrong! <br /><br />Before reading this forum, I just assumed that the laws were designed that when an adoptee turns 21 or maybe 25, the birth certificate would be open. <br /><br />Good luck with the interview, I hope to hear about how it goes.new and oldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17362285131091164702noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-91401407217464494492015-07-18T21:09:27.700-04:002015-07-18T21:09:27.700-04:00Unfortunately there can be hate in adoption. I ac...Unfortunately there can be hate in adoption. I actually hate my parents. both of them, but my father more. I hate them for giving me away. That's probably why the reunion failed. <br /><br />It's not a pc thing to say, but it's the truth. Of course, I love them too, that's why their betrayal hurts so much. It's not a good thing to feel, and I'm not proud or happy about it at all. adoptomussnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-55080777928986931162015-07-18T13:55:15.316-04:002015-07-18T13:55:15.316-04:00Here's hoping it's a meaningful interview....Here's hoping it's a meaningful interview. Can't wait to hear about it!Denisehttp://secondchancemother.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-44366471053695148592015-07-18T12:32:05.631-04:002015-07-18T12:32:05.631-04:00If you have time, check out the voices of gay coup...If you have time, check out the voices of gay couple adoptees pleading their plight before the supreme court in an effort to prevent the marriage equality law. Their frustration at having grown up with 2 moms or 2 dads is clearly evident. gailnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-1806199111741649602015-07-18T10:39:24.083-04:002015-07-18T10:39:24.083-04:00Thanks--but I just got an email from Bonnie Grice ...Thanks--but I just got an email from Bonnie Grice that she will go her own way. Like any good journalist--but I hope she will at least look at what I'm suggesting and we can talk about more than my personal saga.<br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-39738738572263719842015-07-18T09:58:37.312-04:002015-07-18T09:58:37.312-04:00Great interview and great responses.Great interview and great responses.Robinhttp://www.allinthefamilyadoption.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-80503467256957911492015-07-18T08:48:10.434-04:002015-07-18T08:48:10.434-04:00Interestingly, an adoptee said to me the other day...Interestingly, an adoptee said to me the other day that she had an aggravating physical issue, age related--not serious but as she said, "probably genetic." Then she added--"See there is a reason not to search. Now I don't know who to hate." <br /><br />"Hate" is not a very friendly word. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-78476175528026155982015-07-18T07:29:09.566-04:002015-07-18T07:29:09.566-04:00In case you need an example how bad the press is r...In case you need an example how bad the press is reporting on adoption, especially in the headlines:<br />"Same-sex Huntsville couple becomes first to adopt in North Alabama"<br />"Alabama courts end legal limbo, begin approving same-sex couple adoptions"<br />http://www.al.com/news/huntsville/index.ssf/2015/07/alabama_courts_end_legal_limbo.html<br /><br />What really happens is that the spouse of the mother, who should thus by law be the father of the child, is finally allowed to upgrade her status to legal parent, which she was denied because of sexual discrimination! That said, this sorts of situation does provide a sort of a potential problem if sex/gender is kicked out of the law: Two single pregnant persons fall in love and get married, before they give birth, that would make them the father of eachother's baby: Should the children be considered as siblings for things like incestuous marriage prohibition and the like? So we get to the point why one child should not have more than two legal parents. That just as an OT comment, but really step-parent adoptions and adoptions by couples are really different kinds of adoption.Theodorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14634057445114838262noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-29019924028079747662015-07-17T21:01:38.667-04:002015-07-17T21:01:38.667-04:00Questions to further the discussion of supposedly ...Questions to further the discussion of supposedly 'protecting mothers from their children'.... <br />Are the children out to intend harm to their mothers? <br />Are they that angry? WHY are they that angry? What is it about adoption / being adopted that ---isn't---- "in the best interest of the child? Does being adopted fill an adoptee with harmful or murderous intent and rage? Is adoption TRULY in the 'best interest of the child'? <br />If those that make the laws want to *run* with this bogus notion of protecting mothers, they need to come out and say precisely what they are protecting mothers from! <br />Then maybe they can get to the truth of the matter. Like 'we are actually trying to protect the promises we made to adoptive parents'.<br />cindy aulabaughnoreply@blogger.com