tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post8882627252363764447..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Part 5: Why did my daughter walk away? All is revealed. Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-4501096025589226772016-11-19T07:58:03.607-05:002016-11-19T07:58:03.607-05:00Crystal, I am so sorry. Since at some level you re...Crystal, I am so sorry. Since at some level you recognize the need to stay connected to your first father, I urge you to do so. At the same time, find friends who understand and build a community of connections to others. Many hugs, I know you need them. Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-2257539580480323712016-11-19T05:27:57.289-05:002016-11-19T05:27:57.289-05:00Thank you for writing about this - how it feels wh...Thank you for writing about this - how it feels when adoptees 'go dark' on their first parents. I know that I have a problem of cutting ties and walking away from relationships when I can't handle them emotionally. I'm in reunion with my first father and there are so many painful reminders of the 'shoulds' as described in the book quote above. I don't have a place in his life, just in his heart, and I can see him trying to keep me in his life and the more he tries, the more it reminds me that I've no place in it. The more it reminds me of what I've lost and ever fiber of my being tells me to cut my losses and walk away. I learned to close myself off to emotional hurt because my a-mom was dysfunctional and used to remind me of my adoption to make herself feel better about herself. I left her house when I went away to college and never went back to live under her roof. She died several years ago. I haven't walked away from by first father yet as I know he would be devastated but it has been hard, hard emotional work for me to stay connected and I truly empathise with the adoptees that do shut down and stop contact. Crystalnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-83233991914376729742013-08-23T10:52:39.965-04:002013-08-23T10:52:39.965-04:00Thanks Lorraine sadly none of us did :(Thanks Lorraine sadly none of us did :(unihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13386806055641660602noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-24691540535777380222013-08-22T16:15:24.664-04:002013-08-22T16:15:24.664-04:00Dear Lorraine, your final post in the series about...Dear Lorraine, your final post in the series about broken communications with your daughter is extremely beautifully written. Not that the others weren't, but with this last post, I almost feel as if I am experiencing your emotions, Jane's emotions, as I read your descriptions. Really powerful, really thought-provoking, very soul-baring. I am so glad you got some insight as to what might have prompted Jane to distance herself from you. Thanks for sharing that very difficult period. <br /><br />As someone who is in the odd position of feeling "first mother-like" to my former foster Nina, your writings help me gain some understanding of the complexity of our ongoing relationship. Thanks again.Jay Iyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01592280612055255470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-8663313588191686002013-08-18T16:41:37.922-04:002013-08-18T16:41:37.922-04:00Uni...sad story you tell, and as someone once said...Uni...sad story you tell, and as someone once said to me: You didn't deserve that. You didn't. <br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-73079302220747487952013-08-18T16:19:08.336-04:002013-08-18T16:19:08.336-04:00I met my son 5 years ago and after he drove the 50...I met my son 5 years ago and after he drove the 50 min. back to his adopted family full of happiness of finally knowing who his Mom was he was hit with such hurt and anger he shut down all communication with me as well.<br /><br />I was used to pain so I kept writing letters about loving him and missing him and not having all the answers at 20 and maybe more now but still not ALL.<br /><br />It was a very hard last 4 1/2 years. I kept distant never sending him birthday cards why should I they were his parents so hurt and torn that there was a me. He was 32 full of rage and hurt sadness too guess he thought I was having a ball lol now he is 37 not a child but still so messed up though getting his act finally together. I could go on and on but this is your story I just wanted you to hear enough to know you are far from being alone with so many questions. They had their own daughter after they adopted my son wish now he had gone to a couple that truly could never have their own as I had been told then maybe he would have been loved as much as I loved him.unihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13386806055641660602noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-14088678416739618322013-08-18T09:55:42.971-04:002013-08-18T09:55:42.971-04:00as suggested, I have waited out the final chapter ...as suggested, I have waited out the final chapter of your story. First of all, I'm SO sorry. It's a shame that Jane simply cut you off rather than actually explaining what was going on in the first place. Had she done so and you understood what was going on, perhaps you could have helped each other through it.<br /><br />However, I was correct on my initial point of it being because she was "just the adopted kid".<br /><br />I don't think that she handled it well but I do understand her actions. People throw around the word "rejection" but I think it's deeper than that. The words that I would choose are "worthless" and "expendable".<br /><br />You say "it ain't easy being adopted". That's probably the biggest understatement I've ever heard. Yes I realize there are some exceptions where people are elated about it, but to me.. the old school version of adoption is a criminal offense. Not just to the children but their mothers as well.<br /><br />I was struck by something my mother said - that when she was in the home, the woman who ran it was an adoptive mother. She went on and on to the girls there about how wonderful it was and what a great service they were doing to their children and to families who wanted children. Well talk about being brainwashed from only one side of the story! I often wonder... had those girls been given the full picture, heard from other mothers what it's truly like to give up their babies, and from adoptees allowed to speak freely about what it's really like to have that happen and grow up that way... would any of those girls sitting in the room changed their minds? In my case I doubt it. My mother has shown zero compassion for me either past or present. But I suspect many of you would have and tried to find alternate solutions.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-33311968130005349602013-08-14T20:48:44.941-04:002013-08-14T20:48:44.941-04:00As a first mother, I have just woke up within the ...As a first mother, I have just woke up within the past 10 months to the joy of meeting and hugging my son and only child and the horror of what adoption does to our children. The fact that we will never have a relationship that doesn't have that aura of illusion when it should be solid is poignantly described in your story. We were lied to by the experts and they should be sued for malpractice by us and our grown children for the damage.<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-37922517884484670782013-08-14T18:03:14.315-04:002013-08-14T18:03:14.315-04:00My daughter's adopted brother did not want to ...My daughter's adopted brother did not want to search at the time I found Jane, when it would have been easily possible. I believe I was criticized for suggesting it, but Jane kept that from me. <br /><br />Of course, later he did search but as far as I know has not been successful. Though I had to pay four months rent at the time--1981($1,200)--it was nothing compared to the joy I knew when I got her name and address. Meeting her was the highpoint of my life.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-3891258111901452702013-08-14T17:15:42.825-04:002013-08-14T17:15:42.825-04:00My son never heard those words as far as I know bu...My son never heard those words as far as I know but he did know he was the non compliant adoptee his older adopted sib was the first one adopted, the adored, the one who his adopter seemed to just favor. <br /><br />I do remember when I found my son. The first adopted sib told my son he would never search. He saw how his adopter was hurt by my finding my son. She hated it in fact and tried everything she could to relay that message.<br /><br />I hate it that my son had to go through that it wasn't right. I found him and thankfully he was truthful and told her that he loved her but he wanted to know his mother she knew hers. This was only after she had given him so much grieve and even taking my son's child when she should have been visiting him and not telling him his child was with her. Ex wife and adopter co conspired to keep him from his child. I guess that was his punishment.<br /><br />Wrong, way to go but not unusual in reunions. It wasn't like she didn't have time without me interfering for 26 yrs. She had her time to build what she felt was a great relationship and life with him. But he wasn't compliant. <br /><br />I do love that my son wasn't compliant probably a lot more like me than she liked marginalized because we didn't comply adding a lot of hardship to our lives. <br /><br />346Galenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-49216379272665661252013-08-14T12:59:23.232-04:002013-08-14T12:59:23.232-04:00I am so sorry, Lorraine. I can't imaging how p...I am so sorry, Lorraine. I can't imaging how painful those words were for Jane to hear or how painful the repercussions of those words were for you to live through. (((Hugs))). 2ndmomhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03645264337832827745noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-68933250638657405712013-08-14T12:41:00.904-04:002013-08-14T12:41:00.904-04:00Thank you Lorraine. For these postings. For sharin...Thank you Lorraine. For these postings. For sharing it. For articulating so well what so many of us feel. Thank you.Suzhttp://writingmywrongs.comnoreply@blogger.com