tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post967253832839244679..comments2024-03-14T17:59:30.786-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: A Neighbor Condemns Searching for our Children Lost to Adoption, a friendship endsLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-58628370901030094242010-06-02T12:00:42.608-04:002010-06-02T12:00:42.608-04:00Just a note to repeat what I said elsewhere: "...Just a note to repeat what I said elsewhere: "Yvonne" is of course not her real name; she is on the computer but seems to never have googled me; her kids (in their 50s and our friends) are great and sympathetic to me; and I decided to write about this earlier and again because this kind of condemnation occurs often with first/birth/real mothers who are out of the damn closet. And if there were more of us, more people would have to confront the hard truths of adoption. <br /><br />The support I've gotten here from the people who left comments (and at Facebook) have made me feel accepted and nurtured by their concern. One of my girlfriends, who is also out, said she had gotten the same reaction when she told people she searched and she just walked away from them. Some of your may remember my <a href="http://www.firstmotherforum.com/2008/09/birth-mothers-attacked-as-usualor-maybe.html" rel="nofollow">earlier run-in</a> with a lawyer friend I called Aston. I write about our being attacked because we are attacked for doing what we needed to do, after being forced to sign documents that went against every timbre in our being. <br /><br />One last point: Yvonne's mother is a well-known writer even today in her country (France) and the whole family understands that writers write about what they know. And whom.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-14617677273674771312010-06-02T09:43:49.252-04:002010-06-02T09:43:49.252-04:00This isn't a bad thing. Yvonne may well be as ...This isn't a bad thing. Yvonne may well be as relieved as you are to be shot of the friendship. Life IS too short to have to put up with toxic people - especially if you're already 80, and not likely to have much of it left.<br />On the other hand I think she would have good reason to be pissed if she discovered the story of your falling out was plastered all over your blog. <br />Hopefully, being an old lady, she isn't internet savvy, and her real friends won't be so cruel as to tell her about it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-29741927064122715142010-06-01T13:12:27.919-04:002010-06-01T13:12:27.919-04:00Lorraine, I support your ending your friendship wi...Lorraine, I support your ending your friendship with Yvonne. Life is too short to put up with toxic people. Whether it's about adoption or not. I was glad to see in your subsequent post that you already feel lighter about your decision.<br /><br />(((HUGS)))Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-16767947600377397032010-05-31T16:21:50.304-04:002010-05-31T16:21:50.304-04:00I am sorry about your neighbor, Lorraine. I can&#...I am sorry about your neighbor, Lorraine. I can't believe that she doesn't see that there really was no choice for many women who became pregnant. Voluntarily signing a paper to turn over your daughter? How many choices did you have? <br /><br />My daughter was wrongly taken away from her mother by the state. The truth of the matter is that once your child is in foster care, unless you are Mother Teresa, you can't get your child back easily. Especially a woman with little skill sets and resources. (Foster care is another source of babies for families who want them -- I have since discovered.) So Nikki terminated her rights with the pre-condition that my husband and I adopt her daughter. What choice did she have?<br /><br />It would be nice if adoptive mothers and society as a whole would recognize that. I'm sorry they often don't. For everyone's sake.michellehttp://fourgardnersandme.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-35693931740240006372010-05-31T10:17:45.622-04:002010-05-31T10:17:45.622-04:00Thank you for posting this. I, too, have lost frie...Thank you for posting this. I, too, have lost friendships because the other non-adopted friend could not understand what it feels like to be adopted. Or, to be a motehr of adoption loss. While the later is not my own experience, I have learned from you and your book years before meeting you. It is people like you who educate others to the horrors of having a child and the incredible saddness of that loss. Having said that, I think of all the mothers of adoption loss I have known and all the adoptees I have known and bring all of you with me when I speak on adoption reform. When new people give their "opinions" (which must be held up as gospel truth!) without hearing the sides of those most involved, I get irritiated for the lack of awareness. When people whom I've known for long periods of time ignore or sideswipe the realities of adoption today, I end the friendship or even family connection. Can't and won't be associated with people who refuse to see the destruction of adoption.<br /><br />I grieve for the relationships losts, as you do.legitimatebastardnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-13604023011305181402010-05-31T09:48:29.989-04:002010-05-31T09:48:29.989-04:00Lorraine, I've been following your story of Yv...Lorraine, I've been following your story of Yvonne, your neighbor, for quite some time now. And frankly, I'm glad you see that the friendship has ended.<br /><br />I am sooooo sick of people who haven't even been touched by adoption judging me for reuniting with my son 20 years ago, shortly after his 18th birthday. I am sick of the judgment...always the judgment.<br /><br />I was 17 years old when I surrendered my newborn son 38 years ago, the only child I would ever have. I am sick to death of the narrow-mindedness; I am sick to death of still paying every single day of my life for having the audacity of giving birth outside of wedlock...nevermind the fact that my mother wouldn't sign the consent forms to allow me to marry my baby's father.<br /><br />My son tried to commit suicide when he was 14 years old...and he very nearly succeeded. He hung himself, and it's an absolute miracle that he survived without brain damage.<br /><br />I came back into his life at 18...and thank God or Goddess or Higher Power that I did.<br /><br />I'm sure your neighbor would judge me for that....but you know what? Nobody else on this planet gave a damn about that kid -- I certainly didn't see his "parents" looking through all the back allies in town, trying to find their drug-addicted son. I didn't see them saying "enough is enough, and I don't want you to die."<br /><br />Thanks for letting me vent...Ravennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-63276645514571484332010-05-31T08:14:27.702-04:002010-05-31T08:14:27.702-04:00Carol, I read your post about your maid of honor a...Carol, I read your post about your maid of honor and got goosebumps...that is so much more appalling than this friendship dissolving. How that must have hurt.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-19354400477267572472010-05-30T18:37:12.468-04:002010-05-30T18:37:12.468-04:00Lorraine, I am also sorry that you taking the time...Lorraine, I am also sorry that you taking the time to explain to "Yvonne" how her comments were hurtful to you was not respected enough for her to do some personal soul searching. Or maybe she did and is just so set in her ways due to her own experience with her mother and advanced age, that she has lost all sense of empathy.<br /><br />It hurts to lose someone who has been an important part of our lives, but you deserve to have your feelings and experience honored. I realize that no one person can be everything to us, but there are some basic courtesies we owe our true friends - and that is if they say something is important to them, that it be treated as such and not marginalized. That's what Yvonne did to you regarding one of the most significant events of your life and one that you openly share has shaped you into the person you are today. <br /><br />I gave up two important friendships years ago for the similar reasons. One was my college roommate whom I had lived with when I became pregnant. We later were maids of honor in each other's weddings and I thought shared exactly the same live and let live philosophy. <br /><br />However, when I called her the year I found Steve, she showed no joy for me at all, but kept insisting that she didn't remember it bothering me much to have given up my son. I assured her that it had indeed, even though I had kept it bottled up, but she continued to insist that she was shocked that I would disrupt his life when it didn't seem to be a big deal years before! Such an odd response.<br /><br />Another friend told me I had no right searching for him - I had signed an agreement to give him up and should honor it. There was no explaining to either one of these "friends" a different point of view, so I just ended the friendships. I didn't even take the time you have taken to explain, because I was so hurt. You have done the right thing.Carolchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12983135296851385826noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-73941539626531415682010-05-30T17:07:32.866-04:002010-05-30T17:07:32.866-04:00Sad when we have to do this but sometimes it's...Sad when we have to do this but sometimes it's necessary for our personal wellbeing.The space she leaves, is it seems, already filled and the energy that brings will be used well I'm sure!Sometimes people do or say things that are unforgiveable in an unguarded moment which show how they're really thinking.Good wishes....Vonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17421069895155350144noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-26562517356219997942010-05-30T13:45:09.393-04:002010-05-30T13:45:09.393-04:00Lorraine, i'm sorry that this friendship could...Lorraine, i'm sorry that this friendship couldn't survive this difference of opinion. At her age, well, your neighbor isn't likely to want to see anyone's point of view but her own...some times friendship with older neighbors means giving (A LOT) more than you recieve. I have an older neighbor who is less than pleasant most to the time, but every now and again, she tells me that she appricates me putting up with her. She loves on Emma, however, and that makes me (try to!) over look some of her comments. Your neighbor, however well, I do wish that she hadn't said such harmful things to you. To call a first mother "a human reproducive agent" is inexcuseable. Especially when these types of words can cut like a knife... <br /><br />Recently, a very good 'friend' of mine said that i was "lucky" that Emma wouldn't remember her first mother. Lucky? How in the world does that make me lucky? It would be the most amazing thing in the world for me to find Emma's first mother and give the two of them the space and time to know each other. You can't give a child too much love...and to let Emma have the access to ask her birthmother ANY questions that she may have can only cement that relationship.<br /><br />Looking forward to your next post!~Isabelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12437976653688457847noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-81561195142974786542010-05-30T12:27:41.498-04:002010-05-30T12:27:41.498-04:00I remember reading somewhere that when two people ...I remember reading somewhere that when two people have sex there are something like four or more other people "in the bedroom" with them. The "ghosts" of parents, former partners, etc. <br /><br />It appears to be the same way with adoption, and your (former) friend is no exception. I'm sure her opinion is colored by her own mother's actions, just as my stepmom's opinion (thankfully changed!) was colored by her relationship with her mother.<br /><br />Since I'm an adoptee (whose adoption was NEVER acknowledged by my aparents), my stepmom's comments were something like "a child shouldn't be told they're adopted until he/she is old enough to understand" (i.e. when the aparents are ready to tell them) adding that "you could be 100 years old, there's no age that you MUST be told".<br /><br />I'm sure, if pushed, those who profess to be okay with adoptees searching would qualify it with "when the adoptee is old enough", maturity being determined by the aparents of course.<br /><br />Then there's the former potential friend who told me that my cousin had "no right" to tell me I was adopted if my aparents didn't tell me. My cousin had told me when I was 31.<br /><br />I have other friends who could "benefit from my opinions" but the timing isn't right yet. These include someone whose adult cousin is adopted but doesn't know, and someone with a 7 year old niece from China. In both those cases it isn't personal, unlike my former potential friend and your former friend.Gaye Tannenbaumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17792214233203816331noreply@blogger.com