[Birth Mother,] First Mother Forum

Joy, Mei-Ling: Thanks for adding to the list of w...

2012-02-11T21:19:40.356-05:00

Joy, Mei-Ling: Thanks for adding to the list of ways we go about this reunion business.

Joy, your advice that stems from that fact that our children are going to be more like us than we suspect rings so true. My daughter was young, we had to have our first phone conversation while her parents were in the room, and she had other issues such as the epilepsy and what that does to an individual socially, but ye gads, once we got to know each other on our own terms, on our own, we were so much alike in so many ways, and I could recognize her father's traits in her too. That's what I was trying to tell Ms. Marginalia about not worrying too much about what to wear when she met her mother. Florence Fisher loves a shade of blue that is between aqua/turquoise, and her apartment is painted that color, or at least was when I was there. And when she walked into her mother's place: same color!

My daughter's mother said it was really strange meeting me because I looked to much like Jane. I could wear her clothes, and she mine, and she did. Same DNA causes same size, same coloring, some of the same mannerisms.

I remember seeing a story on television about Barbara Walters' adopted daughter and her mother, and they showed the girl's, ahem, real mother. Both were kinda hippie types who preferred living in the country and both wore long jangling earrings with jeans, something I can't imagine Walters has in her jewelry box unless for a big night.

With the children of celebs, you often see that they go into the same business--Kathy Gifford's daughter is becoming an actor and has two magazine stories this month--but with the adopted children of movie stars or personalities, they do not follow in those footsteps.

For me, one of the great gifts was knowing--though I found my daughter--she was planning to get on a bus and come to New York when she was 18...to look for me.

Isabo: I totally understand where you are coming f...

2012-02-11T20:48:06.104-05:00

Isabo: I totally understand where you are coming from. After the dance we go through after reunion, it is hard to say, if our child comes back, well, that was then, this is different this time, we are getting along so well, I am sure she or he is not going to hurt me again.

Ultimately you come to the point where you have to remind yourself that this relationship is not like any other, that there is likely to be retreat again, and you tell yourself you have to accept that it is not the same that you have with your kept children, or anyone close to you. The damage done, as far as I can tell, is too deep to simply undue. As I've said before, Adoption is the pain that goes on giving.

After having a great relationship with my "found" granddaughter, and have her retreat, I no longer talk about her either. Too painful, too many questions, etc. My good friends know, and I leave it at that.

Thanks for sharing your up and down story.

I think that is really sound advice. I have tried...

2012-02-11T14:41:24.363-05:00

I think that is really sound advice. I have tried to help other adoptees grapple with this my advice is always, do what suits you best as you probably are more like your mother than we are.

I drove over to her house at like 9 or 10 at night and she wasn't there. She had rented her home to a friend and he wanted to know who I was and I said, "her daughter" and he said that is funny her daughter is about 4 years old and I said, very casually, "oh yeah, that is because she gave me up for adoption" He said "Let me get her phone number for you" he gave it to me and said, But don't call her tonight, there is a three hour time difference"

He didn't warn her and I called her the next afternoon and said, "Hi I am calling because I believe you may be my birth mother" and she said, "That is entirely possible" all cheerful like, then I told her my birthdate and she said, "At 1:11 am"

I was too casual about negative info, I mean I still am. I mentioned that I had enjoyed drugs and married very young, and had a baby and definitely the "not looking for another mother" and my adoptive parents are perfect.

She told me everything in the first conversation, how she met my father, what happened when I was born. Everything. She talked for like 2 hours straight.

But then I am *her* daughter. She did things too that could have been handled differently like telling me I am a *gift* to the world, etc. Am not a gift kind of thing.

Her and I are connected in our own unique way. How I would do it differently with the advantage of hindsight, I think I would be more careful about what I told her, what were just the facts of my life shattered her fantasy.

I wish I hadn't put my adoptive parents in the forefront by saying, "not looking for another mother" I wish I had not told them right away either.

I disagree with the phone method. A) What if the m...

2012-02-11T11:07:46.900-05:00

I disagree with the phone method. A) What if the mother in question isn't the one to pick up? and B) Writing a letter gives the recipient time to read through, process any emotions and then compose themselves if/when they feel like responding.

"My name is Samantha Smith. I was born on January 15, 1972 at General Hospital in San Francisco, California, and I believe you may be the mother who relinquished me for adoption."

That may be "too revealing" for some here, but there are millions of people out there, and you would need some sort of identifying information to be sure that the recipient wouldn't confuse you as being some other "lost secret."

The above paragraph I quoted is almost exactly how I worded my first letter - granted, I had a language barrier, this was going overseas, but still - I remained very casual and polite, just giving enough info and a picture so they could be sure it was indeed me, and then reject me if they so wished.

It's not like I was going to show up on anyone's doorstep and barge my way in. Come on.

I was firmly locked in my prison of shame until af...

2012-02-11T11:02:19.654-05:00

I was firmly locked in my prison of shame until after my son searched for and found me. I was thrilled to be found and embraced him with open arms. I immediately called my family to share the news (I woke my sister up at 2:30 in the morning, after I got off the phone with my son).

I had told my husband about my pregnancy and relinquishment of my son when we were dating, but I never told strangers or acquaintances Only a few very close friends knew. It was very difficult for me to tell non-family members about my son after he found me, but I did. I would shake and my throat would close up. It was extremely difficult to get past the shame of being pregnant out of wedlock and the resulting condemnation I had experienced.

I finally got to the point where I told anyone and everyone about it. I was able to do this because I was in a relationship with my son, I loved him deeply (I always had but I had previously felt like I had no right to), I was proud to be his Mother, and most importantly, he was happy and proud that I was his Mother.

After my son pulled away quite hurtfully, I slowly stopped talking about him or telling people that I was a Mother. It took years of silence from him, but I slowly retreated back into that closet. This time I am in the closet not because of shame but instead in order to protect my heart from hurt. I no longer talk to strangers about my son or my experiences. It is too hurtful. I rarely raise the subject with friends anymore either

He has contacted me again, but I find myself somewhat unwilling to leave the safety of my retreat. The hurt has been too great, too often, and for too long for me to want to revisit it again. I am reaching out slowly, but it is extremely difficult this time.

I wish I had her courage. I haven't told my ki...

2012-02-11T09:24:42.817-05:00

I wish I had her courage. I haven't told my kids yet about my first child, but my husband knows. Yes, I am terrified.

When I got my son's name from the searcher, I ...

2012-02-10T13:33:28.160-05:00

When I got my son's name from the searcher, I called one night when I got up enough nerve. His mom answered and said he wasn't home(I didn't know that he no longer lived there and she didn't let on either.} She had an unlisted number. Then I started getting scared and said it was just a courtesy call and hung up. I immediately called back and told her who I was.She asked me a few questions to make sure the facts as she knew them matched,we chatted vaguely about my son's interests and what he was doing, her work and my work, just very polite and pleasant. He was away. When he got back she told him and within a week or two he had called me and we had gotten together for our reunion on a beautiful summer day. It's been great. We were lucky for the first couple of years since we lived 15 miles away. He got a job working with me(I think it was my idea-don't remember everything anymore but he took the test and got close to 100 on it and I gave him the name of someone in personnel to call but told him not to mention my name or he probably wouldn't get the job(HaHa) So the personnel lady thought someone important had referred him.(This was a federal government position) He was much better at the job than I was, but he has since moved away and it's a lot more difficult tokeep in touch, but we do the best we can.

I came across a short online article on "The ...

2012-02-10T13:05:15.255-05:00

I came across a short online article on "The 5 Biggest 1st Date Mistakes You Can Make." These really hit home to me. I think these could be altered to read, "the five biggest mistakes you can make when embarking on an adoption reunion." It might be helpful to keep these in mind initiating First Contact.

1. Trying too hard
2. Assuming too much
3. Unpacking your baggage
4. Having bad hygiene/manners
5. Bringing a sidekick

Ah....except that I was the mother, how that lette...

2012-02-10T11:15:31.194-05:00

Ah....except that I was the mother, how that letter is written is what I said to my daughter's mother when I called: My name is Lorraine Dusky and on April 5, 1966 I gave birth to a girl at Rochester General Hospital, and I believe that she is Jane....

She said: What did you say your name was? Where are you calling from? She wanted to get the information down, in case I got cold feet and hung up, because they had been trying to get in touch with me.

All I can say, is that every case/every person is different. Those of us who want reunion would take a call or letter in any form. Mothers in hiding want more discretion.

Like Maryanne said, if I had heard from my daughter Jane first, she could have said anything--or shown up with that same brass band. Hell, I was already so far out of the closet that she was far from a secret--to anybody. Secret children really are a bad secret to keep.

"My name is Samantha Smith. I was born on Jan...

2012-02-10T09:00:23.663-05:00

"My name is Samantha Smith. I was born on January 15, 1972 at General Hospital in San Francisco, California, and I believe you may be the mother who relinquished me for adoption." Waaay too much revealing exposure in the first sentence! If we're going to err, it should be on the side of caution and too much discretion. That alone would have sent most of the mothers I have found right through the roof. Many of them would be scared to death their husbands and subsequent children would see it.
If you can't call on the phone, a simple, hand-written note, "Mrs. Smith. I am researching the [birth name] family history and I believe we might be related. I hope I have found the right [maiden name/married name]. Please call me or let me know when will be a good time to call you. I am looking forward to reconnecting with family."

For a mother like me, who was searching or eager t...

2012-02-10T07:04:43.998-05:00

For a mother like me, who was searching or eager to be found, it really would not matter what the letter said, or if it were a letter, phone call, or knock at the door. Hey, my son could have shown up with a marching band, it would have been cool:-)

I always wanted to know my son, no matter what, all my family and friends knew, so the method of contact was irrelevant. There is nothing he could have said that would have made me not want to meet him. As it turned out, he was not interested in knowing me for many years, and I fear that my early contacts to him made him even more leery, due to circumstances I did not know about until years later.

But that is just me, not all mothers, and the problem is that the searching party does not know what they will find or how that person feels. I agree with Priscilla that it is wrong for those of us eager for contact to assure searchers that all or most mothers also feel that way. People need to be prepared for anything, because anything can happen in a search. For many searchers, a response is already there waiting for them, open arms or rejection, no matter what they do or how they do it. It is out of your hands as the searching party,which is a hard thing to accept for most of us.

Where the tone of a letter or method of contact matters is if you find a mother who is undecided what she wants, or fearful, but still open to some contact. That is where the advice not to overwhelm, not to spill your guts, not to presume anything comes in.When you don't know, it is always better to err on the side of caution. Sometimes a very vague enquiry, "does the date June 12, 1969 mean anything to you? I believe we met many years ago...."followed by your phone number, email, name and address is the safest way to go.

Priscilla's comment that anyone can open a letter is a real concern. It has happened. What seems to be happening much more today though is contact through Facebook and other social media, or through email. In this area like so many others the letter has become obsolete for the most part. Also getting a phone number is a whole different issue today as so many people only use cell phones, no land lines, and the person can be anywhere when you reach them on a cell phone.

I think we need some younger adoptees and mothers to write about the joys, problems, ethics and etiquette of modern contact and reunion, to supplement the experience of us oldies!

Thank you, Robin! I appreciate the good wishes. I ...

2012-02-10T02:28:33.818-05:00

Thank you, Robin! I appreciate the good wishes. I am excited but the nerves are just starting to kick in. It's surreal, to say the least. I am thankfully off work now until next Wednesday.

I agree with Robin that Lorraine's comment along the lines of "Chances are your mother has been waiting for this all her life and will welcome you with open arms" is problematic. Chance are, but all too often we've seen the opposite. It's so easy to get hopes up, and then have them (and yourself) dashed to hell. It's better to admit that you don't know the temperament/expectations/issues of the person at the other end, what their thoughts are on the subject of adoption, and what their life looks like when you are sending the letter or making the call. The important thing is to be satisfied that you're doing what's right for YOU at that moment, and hope for the best. This goes for both adoptees and mothers who reach out.

I did very much like Lorraine's sample letter. Mine looked quite similar to it. It turns out that although my mother froze me out for a long time, she kept that letter in a safe place and treasured it. Words do matter. I did make sure that it was a letter that was true to me, what I sound like, and what I feel. I think that showed.

The following are documents from PARC - post adopt...

2012-02-10T00:20:59.128-05:00

The following are documents from PARC - post adoption resources centre - for NSW in Australia:

http://www.bensoc.org.au/uploads/documents/IS10_Writing_to_a_birth_mother.pdf

Though PARC is an Australian organiation (part of the Benevolent Society of NSW), there are some good resources re reunion on their website:

http://www.bensoc.org.au/postadoption/director/aboutpostadoption.cfm

Btw when I reapplied for my OBC and info from New Zealand a few years ago, they sent along an excellent booklet about reunion, what to expect and the pros and cons of each way of making contact(unfortunately, there is no online copy of this booklet available). I think a similar booklet should be mandatory for anyone applying for their OBCs.

The first time I contacted my first father, I wrot...

2012-02-10T00:16:50.768-05:00

The first time I contacted my first father, I wrote a letter and sent it to his office. I received a letter back telling me that he did not want any communication with me. But he did give me a lot of information, which I cherished.

11 years later, I wanted to try again to establish contact. At the advice of an online friend, I I phoned him instead of sending a letter. I approached the conversation exactly as this person advised, and it worked! I didn't apologize for intruding, or gush emotion. I matter-of-factly told him I wanted to meet him. Then I asked him to check his calendar over the next two months and let me know which weekends were convenient for me to visit. "Sure, you can come," he said. "Why not?"

I'm not sure if a phone call like that would work for a first mother, but perhaps some fathers might appreciate the business-like, direct approach.

Waiting 11 years was also significant, because by then his children were all grown and he was divorced. So he had little to loose by meeting me.

Based on my experience, I would advise, start with a letter or FB message, and if you don't get anywhere, try a phone call.

Jane mentioned that I sent a letter to a relative of hers. The first two times I sent letters c/o Jane's aunt, they never made it to Jane. The third time I attempted contact, I sent another letter and then followed up with a phone call to the aunt. Whatever I said over the phone motivated the aunt to tell Jane that I was trying to contact her.

The rest is history.

I think in the era of Social Media, a lot of contacts in the future will be attempted through Facebook.

PS: Well, I would have been somewhat freaked out t...

2012-02-09T21:34:03.554-05:00

PS: Well, I would have been somewhat freaked out that her family had not been .... loving, comfortable for her, whatever. Yes, that would have scared me but I would have wanted to come in and "fix" whatever I could.

I know everybody is not me, or a mother who is wai...

2012-02-09T21:29:24.187-05:00

I know everybody is not me, or a mother who is waiting to be found, but Elizabeth, if I had received a letter like that, I would have been over the moon with happiness.

Jane and I tried to cover all the possible bases, and she and I came at it differently: I searched; she was found.

Ok I never had to write a first contact letter, bu...

2012-02-09T19:23:04.143-05:00

Ok I never had to write a first contact letter, but I would agree with Pris here, do not reveal too much.

And I also agree with Maryanne, people need to be true to themselves. I mean if I had written a letter, most likely I would have said something like, "I thought of you every day of my life, and I've missed you since the day I was born. I never considered the strangers who raised me my family, and I can't wait to get to know my real family. I love you, Mom."

Priscilla, I really disagree with you. We didn...

2012-02-09T19:08:16.059-05:00

Priscilla,

I really disagree with you. We didn't and don't recommend writing anything personal. We said include general information about yourself. Let the personal stuff come out later. If you believe that writing about your marital status, children, hobbies, and the like is personal don't include it.

I received a letter from my daughter via a relative. The letter was perfect, less than a page. She told me a little about herself and how to contact her. I would have preferred she not have contacted the relative but that was the only address she had.

A phone call would have been much less private. Sure enough someone in my home would have asked who I was talking to. "Nobody, dear" is not a satisfactory answer, Having a letter with my daughter's phone number allowed me to call when I knew we would not be disturbed. The letter was easy to hide until I was ready to disclose it.

I just picked up the phone and called. I know this...

2012-02-09T19:05:21.836-05:00

I just picked up the phone and called. I know this is not always possible since some people won't be able to get a phone number but I agree with Priscilla that it is the better way to go if one has the option.

If I had sent a letter I would have been sitting on the edge of my seat having a friggin' nervous breakdown wondering "Did she get the letter?" Did it get lost in the mail?" How long should I wait until I expect a response?" I know a letter can be sent return receipt requested but that makes it stand out. If my n-mother had not told anyone someone else might see it and question who she got such an important letter from.

When I first called my n-mother I made sure it was her on the line and verified that she had privacy and was able to talk and then I told her who I was. She was of course totally surprised but happy.

"Chances are, your mother has been hoping for this day all your life and will welcome you with an open heart."

Actually, I think it is important for those supporting a searcher not to stress the above attitude too much. No adoptee knows what s/he will find and as we have seen by so many who have commented here, there is a lot of rejection. It worries me when I think adoptees keep getting this message and it isn't always true. I was one of the lucky ones. But I can tell you had my mother rejected me I would have been devastated beyond belief. And not just because of the rejection but because I had been so consistently getting the type of message as described above. I think it is better to tell adoptees that they don't what they will find but they have a right to know their own parents and their story. JMHO.

@Ms. Marginalia,

I couldn't post a comment at your blog so I just wanted to say that I am wishing you the best this weekend. I will be thinking of you. Please take some time off from work afterwards. I know you will be very emotional and will need time to yourself to process the experience. Hugs :)

Robin

Thank you so much for this post. It really resonat...

2012-02-09T18:44:19.325-05:00

Thank you so much for this post. It really resonated with me. 27 years ago today I gave birth to a daughter that I surrendered to adoption. While it's not a secret exactly, many people who came into my life after that don't know. Until today and beyond. Today I decided to come out as a birth/first/bio/mom. I started a new blog today where I will tell my story and share my feelings, and as I tried to gain courage all day to do so, your blog post gave me the final push. Thank you very much.

OK, ignoring, as is often done, the fine points ab...

2012-02-09T17:07:21.261-05:00

OK, ignoring, as is often done, the fine points about the development of adoption legislation, and the question whether an adoption without actual legal backing can be considered as an adoption, I would describe myself as a grandchild of a First mother, who was a great grandmother.
She accepted me and my sibling as grandchildren,though not entirely of her own volition, but NEVER came to acknowledge my parent as her child.
Case involves in-family-adoption, probably pregnancy as result of rape of intoxicated girl, refusal of the shotgun wedding with suicide threat, church involvement, moving away, late discovery and as usual lots of pain in mother and child. Adoption hurt people I love, in a way I actually would have wished on my worst enemies for about a month or so, but not for an entire life time.

I have to say this is the first time I have comple...

2012-02-09T17:01:31.557-05:00

I have to say this is the first time I have completely disagreed with your writings. I don't think it's ever appropriate to write about these personal things in the first contact. I have never heard, in over four years of search angeling, of a successful first contact by such a revealing letter. First off, you can never be assured that the mother actually receives it. Secondly, you risk the chance that someone else in the family will intercept it and mother will be "outed" and put into a awkward and stressful defensive position. I just can't stress enough that contact should be made by phone, discretely and privately.

Theodore: You have probably told us before, but fo...

2012-02-09T15:55:43.263-05:00

Theodore: You have probably told us before, but for the readers of this thread, and because things were stated by may be the result of a different culture's view of them, would you please repeat your connection to adoption? Are you, like I believe, someone who was adopted?

Thanks.

Argh! We wish we were perfect! I have added a g...

2012-02-09T15:50:28.626-05:00

Argh! We wish we were perfect!

I have added a graf about making a phone call instead of a letter as first contact because you do not know who will handle the mail before it gets to one's mother.

However, some may still be writing a letter, through an intermediary, you may be able to be open and personal, and so we stand by our suggestions. However, to include or obscure things such as where you work, etc. until you actually know the person is a personal preference.

Thanks Anon, for letting us know about Prof. Karen...

2012-02-09T13:52:36.587-05:00

Thanks Anon, for letting us know about Prof. Karen Balcom's important work. I read something recently about her new book "The Traffic in Babies: Cross-Border Adoption and Baby-Selling Between Canada and the United States, 1930-1972." I put it on my "to read" list but don't know when I'll get to it.