Birth Mother, First Mother Forum

Let me suggest an answer to those who ask "what ab...

2010-09-08T14:17:50.605-04:00

Let me suggest an answer to those who ask "what about the adoptive parents?" You might say, "the purpose of adoption is to provide a home for a child. If the now adult child would benefit from knowing his history, then I suppose the adoptive parents would support it. Actually many of them do."

I used to get "what about the adoptive parents?" a...

2010-09-08T13:16:39.561-04:00

I used to get "what about the adoptive parents?" all the time when my son was young, and at that time looking back it was a legitimate question, even though it put me on the defensive.

Now that my son is over 40, I do not get asked about the parents, and if I do, just say, "they are deceased" and that takes care of that. With people I do not know well I stick to

Campbell, great point! I do think that adopted ...

2010-09-08T12:30:58.183-04:00

Campbell, great point!

I do think that adopted people can do a great deal to educate the world about the issues involved and help create an atmosphere for reform. I think adoptees are not attacked for speaking up, as everyone understands you did not have a choice. We supposedly did, and we are the ones who will wreck that perfectly happy family where no thought has ever been given to

I always enjoy the opportunity to talk about adopt...

2010-09-08T08:15:55.645-04:00

I always enjoy the opportunity to talk about adoption. As an adopted person I think it stands to reason I may be treated with more respect than a first parent. I've been told (online) that another reason I'm treated with respect is that my being adopted has not been a negative thing in my life, but I still disagree with that. I believe it's because I grant whomever I'm discussing

Yikes, yes, we get that all the time--what about t...

2010-09-08T07:47:36.889-04:00

Yikes, yes, we get that all the time--what about the adoptive parents? Well, what about them? Are they entitled to be party forever to a unjust contract that the adoptee or birth mother never had a hand in writing? Excuse me if I feel like saying...them's the breaks. The contract they adopted under was invalid by its very unjust proposition.

I have had several encounters with other graduate ...

2010-09-07T22:25:17.874-04:00

I have had several encounters with other graduate students about adoption. The women tend to shut down and pretend I am an idiot. The men, oddly, are more likely to listen and ask pertinent questions. One in particular actually was informed and definitely realistic, and not connected in any way to adoption.

I always try, when asked, to be impartial or to qualify what I am talking

Your friend Thomasina's explanation makes perfect ...

2010-09-07T22:03:00.611-04:00

Your friend Thomasina's explanation makes perfect sense. I try to explain similar concepts, but of course as a mother - it always feels to me as if I'm making excuses for having searched for and found my son. And I get the invariable question "what do his parents think about all of this"?

That's when I feel like screaming "Fuck them" what about me and

It always amazes me how completely insensitive "ci...

2010-09-07T18:33:31.929-04:00

It always amazes me how completely insensitive "civilians" can be regarding anything "adoption". I am always shocked at the flippant, careless disregard for the feelings of mothers and adult children of adoption loss. As an adult adoptee, I have been ASKED unsolicited questions, and when I respond honestly, either get the blank stare and quick subject change or some

PS: As regular readers will know, because of havin...

2010-09-07T17:15:18.600-04:00

PS: As regular readers will know, because of having written Birthmark I have been very open about my life and adoption. My daughter lived with my husband and me for a while; she knew our friends. They think it's great I found her, and we reconnected, and lately, found my other granddaughter. But above I am talking about strangers, and as I am writing more about this, it's obvious I am

Have any past Birth mothers has problems with Glad...

2010-09-07T15:24:35.616-04:00

Have any past Birth mothers has problems with Gladney? I have a real hard time believing anything that my caseworker tells me. I recently found my birth daughter and her family and asked my caseworker a few questions that I already knew the answers to and I found he to be lying on several different occasions. What to believe what to do?

Now reading all of this above I really wonder

Maybe I was just lucky, but when my son and I reun...

2010-09-07T14:45:51.285-04:00

Maybe I was just lucky, but when my son and I reunited, I told all of my close friends and they all responded with joy for me. A couple asked if he had a "good life." I've told a few really close friends how disappointed I am in the life he had and the social status of his adopters, but mostly I avoid talking about them. My friends are mostly my age, over 65, and they remember what

I am an adoptive mother to a nine month old, and o...

2010-09-07T14:43:59.218-04:00

I am an adoptive mother to a nine month old, and often feel like the only advocate for birth mothers in the room when adoption is discussed. The agency we worked with had us do what felt like A LOT of reading about adoption, and we were easily convinced that open relationships were essential to healthy growth - - for all of us who are a part of The Kid's life. Often in social situations,

I found my daughter on facebook back in Oct. We ha...

2010-09-07T13:45:46.834-04:00

I found my daughter on facebook back in Oct. We have yet to meet. I am still pretty uncomfortable talking to others about her. And when I do, I sugercoat it. I don't really go into the sad details.

I'm an adult adoptee, and even though my birth mot...

2010-09-07T12:37:03.039-04:00

I'm an adult adoptee, and even though my birth mother (and yes, I am comfortable with that term) put me in foster care for two years before signing adoption papers, I never, ever felt she needed to apologize to me for anything. I love my adoptive family. And I loved my birth mom (whom I met in my twenties -she has since passed away, butwe had a warm relationship for over 2 decades).

To all the frightened little beemommiees: BOO-FU#...

2010-09-07T10:11:02.474-04:00

To all the frightened little beemommiees: BOO-FU#KING-HOO. If your kid comes a knockin' put on your big girl pants and deal with it like an adult.

Amazing that the ACLU would support falsified identities and super-secret government documents. (But then again, the ACLU is mostly funded by the limousine liberal crowd, the ones who give liberalism a bad rep). The current system

My son told me about some great things his son had...

2010-09-06T13:41:55.060-04:00

My son told me about some great things his son had accomplished in college. He wrote "my son (your grandson)..." I responded, "Does that mean I can take some credit ?" He wrote, "Leadership is in his blood." I can't tell you how great that makes me feel to be acknowledged...My son and I have had a rocky reunion. He told me once "...my children are NOT your

As a New Jersey adoptee who, by the grace of God, ...

2010-09-05T14:55:20.916-04:00

As a New Jersey adoptee who, by the grace of God, found her birth families in early 2010, I have another heart-rending child theft to report.

In August 1949, when I turned five, my adoptive parents realized I couldn't be registered for Kindergarten without a legal name-change. As their foster child since I was 18 months, my adoptive mother (who decided she wanted to be called &

As a New Jersey adoptee who, by the grace of God, ...

2010-09-05T14:49:04.016-04:00

I'll add to your last statement Lorraine..... STOP...

2010-09-05T12:31:19.156-04:00

I'll add to your last statement Lorraine.....
STOP ABUSING YOUR CHILDREN. IT IS NOT OUR RESPONSIBILITY THAT YOU CONCEIVED US AND NEITHER YOU NOR ANY GOVERNMENT OR ORGANIZATION HAS THE RIGHT TO PUNISH AND ABUSE US DAMNIT.
Breathe...

I totally agree that Deborah and the NJ ACLA that ...

2010-09-05T12:06:52.497-04:00

I totally agree that Deborah and the NJ ACLA that she speaks for makes no sense at all. The fact that she dismisses the obvious, which is that there is no legal precedence,along with her opinion that mothers not asking for privacy or been promised any kind of protection from our own children, is curious.

Wonder if someone in her anonymous pile of terrified mothers is one of the

Like the adoptees who are held hostage in Illinois...

2010-09-05T12:00:20.365-04:00

Like the adoptees who are held hostage in Illinois (as an example of injustice), I feel completely victimized. All this talk of anonymous birthmothers and non-anonymous birthmothers and adoptees speaking out, where do I fit in? I've tried to voice the position of a half orphan trapped in a sea of illegitimates...and in a sea of single mothers who lost their infants. My mother was married and

Jane, thanks for reminding us that in Oregon chall...

2010-09-05T11:51:38.541-04:00

Jane, thanks for reminding us that in Oregon challenges to the law went nowhere, and records remained open despite the kind of specious arguments that NJ ACLU is making.

To draw an analogy from family law, divorce laws have changed a lot in the last 60 years. Remember movie star quickie divorces in Nevada or Mexico because divorce laws were stringent and required proving infidelity or

The National Council for Adoption and those who o...

2010-09-05T10:29:47.469-04:00

The National Council for Adoption and those who oppose open records LOVE anonymous first mothers. In the mid-Seventies when Florence Fisher and I testified for adoptees and birth mothers to each have access to each others records and NAMES, NCFA brought one such women to the Senate hearing and of course she was allowed to address the committee. She spoke just ahead of me. She really angered me,

How the hell does Jacobs KNOW this stack of letter...

2010-09-05T08:40:12.108-04:00

How the hell does Jacobs KNOW this stack of letters is really from BirthMothers? Are they signed with a full name? Or just a first or first and last initial? And if they are signed with a full name, has she checked these women's histories? To make sure they really gave a child up for Adoption? As Jane put it, I will add on to it-any first year law student even knows ANY one with an agenda can

Just a thought .... my son's adoptive mother is ve...

2010-09-05T03:11:57.710-04:00

Just a thought .... my son's adoptive mother is very active in the ACLU and thought searching was personally intrusive to her.