' [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Why we aren't celebrating with Hoda as she adopts a baby

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Why we aren't celebrating with Hoda as she adopts a baby

The Today Show star Hoda Kotb adopted a baby girl. She is thrilled. This is her picture with Haley Joy on Kolb's Twitter account. She writes: "Welcome to the family, Haley Joy! She is the love of my life."  Followed by 63K likes and still going. Her co-hosts tweet the good news.

Her followers chime in.
  • emmanoconLuv u Hoda!! You are both so blessed to have each other!! ❤
  • missylou302002Congratulations Hoda!!!!
  • daydreamz9099We had two children and adopted 1 child and did foster care. My heart is melting. A blessing for the birth mom and the love of an adoptive mom. Happy mothers day Hoda, and what a blessing to whitness!!
  • brighteyes0128Congrats Hoda .. you are a sweetie & you deserve the best .. you will be a awesome mom.. I love you
  • krenkensI love Hoda, so excited for her!! 💗
We are not thrilled. We have no information about where the baby came from, if this adoption is an open adoption, a (gag) "semi-open" adoption (which may mean not open at all), why the child was available for adoption, or what happened to the mother. This is adoption in America today--bright, cheerful, never-ending, with more to come. Celebrity adoptions begat more adoptions, celebrity and otherwise, consequently expanding the market for babies and thus ultimately making it more difficult for biological mothers to keep their children. 

While there is celebrating for 52-year-old Hoda--who has a warm personality on TV, and a good-sized bank account to go with that--we mothers of children lost to adoption find no reason to congratulate or celebrate; nor do some adoptees. We know nothing about what happens to the mother whose children she will be raising, but we do anticipate her pain and loss. Adoptees think also: that baby is like me, I lost my real mother.... I do not write this to denigrate adoptive mothers, and I fully acknowledge that some "adoptions" (without changing the birth certificate) need to happen. But we cannot forget that "celebrations" like Hoda's marks a funeral for the other family, who is losing a child. 

A perceptive book by an adoptee
 Adoptions often go well in the first years when the child simply needs the basics--food, shelter, and affection. The differences between genetic strangers show up later when traits unrecognizable in each other may make living with the other more difficult than it would be in a in genetically related family. Adoptive parents who recognize these differences, and do not try to mold the child into someone like themselves when it goes against a person's natural instinct, have the best chance of a successful relationship with their children as they grow. Barbara Walter's adoption of a baby girl-who had her own problems with drugs and drinking--spring to mind with this adoption. 

  • When I look at Hoda, I see beyond the happy new mother, and wonder about the mother who is not celebrating. How do adoptees feel? Every adoption makes me catch my heart because it means that some mother has lost a child, and a child has lost his mother.

  • As the friend who alerted me to this occurrence noted: I won't be sending a present. Nor will we at First Mother Forum. 
  • ______________________________
  • Adoption is not all 'Rosy' for O'Donnell
  • Why I'm not bullish on celebrity adoptions
Second Choice: Growing Up Adopted 
"...so much better than most of the adoptee and birthmother books that it is really in a different league."-- Annette Baran, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., author, The Adoption Triangle


  1. I absolutely hate this. It's a perfect example of people ignoring the uncomfortable: "where did his child come from? "What does this child truly need right now?" so that they can live out their screamingly selfish delusion that the baby fell out of the sky especially for them.

    1. You dimwit. The birth mother GAVE UP THE FREAKING BABY -- who gives a shit what she's thinking right now. She thought enough to GIVE UP HER CHILD. The end. And the reason you don't have all the answers to your questions regarding Hoda's baby is because she didn't see fit to inform you of something that was none of your business. She didn't ask your permission or run the "type" of adoption past you because it wasn't yours to consider or have input on. God. Go back to your liberal tree-hugging hole and cry yourself a river.

      A newborn baby has a mother now. And a family to love her. And provide for her. And make her feel something other than a throwaway. She'll have a future filled with happiness and joy and friendships and opportunity and, let me repeat, LOVE. Oh, and a mother. One that wants her. Every single perfect and imperfect ounce of her. I'd say that's quite enough to be able to offer a heartwarming congratulations to a woman unable to bear children on her own. I could not be happier Hoda and Haley found one another. However and through whomever and wherever they did find each other. The point is...the found one another. And you ought to be ashamed of yourself for hating anything about that. How many children have you already given up or murdered?

      Sit down.

    2. Ellen, how do you know the circumstances of the mother who gave up her baby? No one gives up a baby willingly. How do you know the child will have a future filled with ponies and unicorns, as you describe. Take a look in the statistics about the clebrity adoptions who end in suicide. Let's start with Marie Osmond. Take a look at the stats about adoption and suicidale thoughts among adolescents.

      Yes, Hoda will love that baby. But that does not mean that her natural mother did not. We do not celebrate adoptions when a woman at 52 takes an infant--unless she taking older children who need a home and love.

    3. Here's a heartless response to all of the replies about feeling sorry for the mother who gave up the baby. Get real folks. This was a corporate adoption. The mother was paid well and catered to before, during and after the pregnancy.

      Celebrities and other high profile people usually pay for adoption through corporate lawyers who have 100 other lawyers working for them who are very good at know how to tie all knots, dot all i's, cross all t's, find all loop holes and close all those loop holes.

      They're very expensive adoptions and the mother's a different than others. They actually search for these very adoptees who will all their debts, cash bonuses, shopping sprees, etc. What ever the 'deal' or contractual agreement is.

      It's a very lucrative business to be a surrogate for wealthy, high profile elitist. I'm sure Hoda's adoption was no different. The mother will not know who the baby went to. In some states the babies biological mother can be omitted from the birth certificate or changed. The LGBT community is trying to get adoption rights changed. When they adopt they want only the adoptees names on the birth certificates which basically erases the ancestry of the child.

    4. It is amazing how those who would totally obliterate a baby's ancestry cannot understand how cruel they have become to another human being who will one day become a rational, thinking, cogent individual with desires and needs of their own, not just their owners, the parents. Emotionally, parents who erase an individual's ancestry and history are owners of the child as much as any slave master ever was. Sickening sickening, and heartless.

  2. Indeed, every newly formed adoptive family starts with a deliberately brother mother-child bond. I don't celebrate for her either.

  3. I am always so sad when I hear about infant adoptions (especially). The mother is still recovering physically from 9 months of body changes and hormones and now mourning her baby still wet from the womb.
    And at age 52, this adopting woman is too old too have a newborn. She will be an old woman while her daughter is still a teenager.

  4. I was horrified to see this. My first thought was "I wonder how much she paid for this child?" And sympathies for the mother going home without her child. No, I won't be sending her a Happy New Baby card.

  5. I can! I agree there is a possibility that the birth mother is absolutely an emotional wreck and will bear this scare for the rest of her life. She will remember her birthday, each Christmas. Wondering how she is doing, is she happy, is she healthy, does she have special gifts,etc? I know, I am a birth mother. And I also can send love and blessings to Hoda and Haley.
    I am happy for Hoda and this child and wish them all that is good.

    1. I just see the actual mother erased out of the picture and sobbing her heart out, as I once did.

    2. Oh, Cherry. How often I think of you!

      And when I read the headline about Hoda adopting, my very first unbidden thought was, "Oh, no."

      Ironic to see the gushy tweet from Jenna Bush Hager: her parents had begun investigating the adoption process when Laura Bush became pregnant with twins: a not-remotely-fun fact.

  6. I hate it, no celebrating for me

  7. I feel terrible for that baby's blood family and whatever happened that she won't get a chance to be raised with her own family. The baby was just born, did the mother have any period to change her mind? How did a 52 year old woman adopt a newborn? it's upsetting that no mention is made of anything but congratulations, everything is all cleaned up with a rainbow and unicorn on top. Sad beyond belief.

    1. Honestly, the child is probably not even adopted yet. It doesn't happen this fast. I hope the mother can revoke her consent.

    2. I am sure that the period for the mother to revoke (if she even had any) has expired. I don't believe that she would've gone public taking that risk......but of course, I've seen crazier stuff in infant adoption.

    3. According to Hoda, the baby was a Valentine's baby. So, no, this baby is not yet hers.

  8. I am an adoptee, but my first thought was for the mother who gave birth to this baby. We don't know specifics but Hoda called her a Valentine's baby. That was only last week so it seems she has had her since birth. All this publicity and celebrating...unless that first mom is in a bubble somewhere, this has got to be especially heart-wrenching. Her age is her business, but I personally feel becoming a mother on purpose at 52 is going to a challenge. 62 with a 10 year old? As an adoptee...I'm just sad for that baby who's little psyche is trying to process what just happened to her mom. The whole thing just makes me feel sad.

    1. With money to spare, nannies can hang on forever

  9. Oddly enough this post is being attacked at The ALMA Society page on facebook.

  10. Like most of the people posting here, I am also aghast with horror at this tragic situation! At 52, I was already a grandpa to several children. I love them dearly of course, but one thing I have learned is that mothering babies is a young woman's game. They have the energy and stamina that mothering young ones demand.

    No need to for me to go into all the reasons why this is a tragic situation. That's already been covered by a number of you. Also, it's been my experience over the years that adopters are the are the most selfish, self-serving, self-entitled people on earth. I don't say it out of meanness, but those have been my observations over the years.

    Hoda adopted to meet her own needs, not those of a young child. Maybe she should have bought herself a Baby Alive doll instead! This story breaks my heart. That poor baby. No celebrating here either.

    1. Dear Wise Man,
      You are not so wise. Your description of adopters could also be applied to people who have biological children as well. To bring a child , that has been planned for into the world ,is not done for the sake of the child but for the sake of the couple or parent wanting the child. Everyone does things to meet their own needs.

  11. I am so grateful a friend shared this on their facebook. I am an adoptive mother. My husband and I have enormous appreciation for our children's birth parents. How we became a family has been a part of our children's consciousness their entire lives. In our perspective, all human beings have a unique path in life that contributes to who they are and can be. In our case, our children came to us through birth parents whose individual reasons for placing their baby for adoption we respect. Our definition of parent is not limited to defining any one as real, because both their birth parents and we are real parents.

    I don't understand why people in this forum are upset that details haven't been shared about this adoption. I know for us, we feel it is our responsibility to respect our children and their birth parents story. It is they that can share information. But until our kids were old enough to decide for themselves, we chose not to share details in public because it wasn't our right to decide what information to share, it was our children's. What we DID do was celebrate how we became a family because not too long ago in history, adoptions were looked at as shameful, and we wanted to be a part of changing that perspective.

    I became a parent for the second time at age 42 and I admit I feared my son having an old lady attending his H.S. graduation, but as that time nears (5 years away), I realize I was a better mother to him because I waited. I don't think it's fair to malign someone's personal decision, either adoptive or birth parent. There are plenty of young parents that are terrible. Age does not define quality of parenting. And today's 60's for some is like the 40's a generation ago.

    Something that my husband and I feel deeply, is that we approached creating our family very spiritually. We wanted to attract the soul in the universe that wanted to share the world with us. When we first decided to have children, we didn't know whether they would be biologically related to us or not. In each adoption we were 100% certain that our children were not just arbitrary babies in the world, but at a deep level connected to us AND their birth parents. And we acknowledge the pain and concern our birth mother's in particular struggled with. But interestingly, in each adoption experience, our birth mother at some point in the process, shared with us that, though they loved the baby growing inside them, when they found out they were pregnant, they just felt the child wasn't theirs. They felt they were meant to find their baby's parents. That comment surprised us to the degree of awareness it suggested, it spoke to the courage of our children's birth mothers, and acknowledged the profound bonding of humanity that exists beyond biology.

    1. Just because everyone you know is lying to themselves doesn't make it right.

    2. I did not read in any of the comments that we were "upset that details haven't been shared about this adoption." We did not expect that they would be; I for one respect Ms. Kotb's and the natural mother's privacy. In the original post I merely stated I did not have more information to discuss, but the over-abounding joy over yet another celebrity adoption made me uncomfortable. Adoptions are celebrated by the adopters; mourned by the natural mothers.

      Feelings can do a lot to make adoption seem like the right choice for a baby; but would you, for instance, imagine the universal plan was for a woman to purposefully and with forethought decide to have a baby for another? That is the dystopian world of The Handmaid's Tale indeed, and indeed, a grim and revengeful place.

    3. Thanks for your response Lorraine. I agree in particular with your being uncomfortable with the expression of overbounding joy over yet another celebrity adoption. Creating a family is joyful, but I am waiting for the day when identifying how a family is created isn't distinguished by biological or adoptive. At the same time, continuing to rid adoption of any stigma or any set of rules that limit the possibilities and honor the humanity and courage and pain of each person and each situation involved is still ongoing and must continue. Listening to each other is the best way to get there. I can't possibly speak to the different experiences birth parents have except to say they each have a uniqueness to them that must be accepted.

      I think that whatever our individual journeys in life are, they all have suffering, loss, joy, regret, happiness -- but ultimately it's about choices, and creating value out of whatever circumstance we find ourselves. Our journey to become parents was what it was. Our children's birth parents journey and our children's journey is what it is. What we focus on is how do we create meaningful benefit moving forward with our experiences, our choices.

    4. "....though they loved the baby growing inside them, when they found out they were pregnant, they just felt the child wasn't theirs."

      I had that. It is because I was brainwashed to believe I was just a vessel (and absolutely not good enough to be my son's mother). Such thoughts as those expressed above are implanted from outside - they are not naturally arising.

      Secondly, how is the birth mother yours?

    5. Can't say I agree, Cherry, that you know what my children's birth parents were thinking. I believe that your perspective might be true for some,but not all. And yes, they are our children's birth parents. Though I really did try to write that correctly throughout my message, yes, I see where I missed that specific clarification twice.

      Maybe it was a bit Freudian because I was trying to make sure I wrote that correctly as I was composing in my head. Maybe there is a part of me that thinks of them that way. We met them after they were pregnant but months before they gave birth and we were with them during and after. We have shared an intense, loving, supportive experience that bonds us for life. I love my children's birth mothers and am so grateful that they brought our children safely into the world, children who we treasure and who we know wouldn't have the been the same people if they had come from our biology. I am eternally grateful for their trust in us and their openness throughout our children's lives.

      My son's birth mother died 3 years ago. We were devastated. It still takes my breath away. She was an extraordinary woman and it has been a process for all of us to accept. The thing is, my son is young enough that he doesn't have a real sense of her, but we -- we had a glorious, dynamic relationship. I loved her, she knew that. Our grief was real. Our son's loss is intangible right now, but I can see it has impacted him and because we loved her so, I think it helps us to be there for our son as he continues to process the loss over the coming years.

      All that said, I understand the term is meant for our children, and I will be careful to make sure I communicate that moving forward.

    6. I wasn't going to comment, but I will respond to Anonymous AP since I'm an AP as well.

      We do our children who are adopted quite the disservice by trying to pretend there is nothing at all in the way that they became to be our children. I often read about APs wanting to equate adoption as just another way of building a family, same as giving birth. I do believe that adoptees deserve the same level of love, attachment, respect, and belonging in a family as children born biologically, and I am fiercely defensive of any whiff of difference in that regard. But that isn't the same as recognizing the inherent differences in the beginning of each in terms of their arrival within their family, and I think the need to make it out like the same is to serve the AP, not the adoptee.

      I can say for myself that although I loved my daughter instantly and felt joy in bringing her into my life, I also felt immense sorrow for her and her parents. I cried quite a bit, right along with my newborn daughter, those first days. I mourned for her: she lost her mother, and I was a complete stranger to her. How frightened she must have been! It was very difficult for me to come to terms with feeling so much sadness while also finding so much joy in her existence. Of course, we attached and bonded over time, and she and I are madly in love with one another, as mother and daughter should be. But it doesn't erase what happened to her, and I find no joy in her loss of her family, her identity, her people. I wish it could have been different for her, but sometimes, well, life just sucks. It doesn't always play fair, and it certainly wasn't fair to her. In a million years, I would never tell my daughter she was born to the wrong mother. What a horrendous thing to say! It's like calling her a mistake. God doesn't play such cruel tricks as to put one woman's child in another woman, and then force the latter to give it up to the former. That's a ghoulish thought. Our world is full of sadness. We do not support one another like we should, and many of the failings of our society force women to pay the price with their children.

      Finally, I will say that these woman are entitled to their feelings, and we APs have no business, none at all, getting our panties in a bunch because we don't want to hear about the grief first mothers go through. This is a place for first mothers to vent their feelings, not for APs to get offended and say how that isn't true. It's like when say, a black person vents about racism- just because I'm white doesn't mean I pipe up with "Well, I'm not like that, so how dare you!" Their experiences belong to them, and we should learn from them, not shut it down because it makes us uncomfortable.

    7. Thank you, Tiffany, for your perspective here once again.

    8. Tiffany, I actually agree with what you said about the experience of becoming a family in the world of adoption, very much so. We were keenly aware and hyper-sensitive about the process of welcoming our children into our sphere, and their birth parents to the degree they wanted.

      But there's a lot of utter mis-interpretation of my messages that befuddles me. I at no time said, suggested, or think my children were born to the wrong mother. That thought it abhorrent and a complete mis-understanding of what I have said. What I believe (and what I said above) is that my children are who they are precisely because they came from their birth parents, and I wouldn't want them any other way. And their birth parents and we are parents and profoundly connected. None of us are better or more. We just are.

      Also, to suggest I was communicating out of being offended is completely bonkers. I felt no offense until I read your message that accused me of thoughts and motivations that are untrue. I'm confused what lens is being used to read my messaging. I think it's valuable to express different perspectives while truly allowing each person their truth. I haven't expressed at any time that anyone doesn't have a right to their feelings. But why is my experience being interpreted as so offensive simply because it may be different? Why, when I say our children's birth parents felt a certain way based on what they said, and they've repeated to me, is that not accepted as our experience, even when I acknowledge it may not be everyone's experience.

      Their experiences belong to them and none of us should shut them down because it makes us uncomfortable. Hopefully we can learn from each other.

    9. Tiffany, I cannot tell you how HEALING your TRUTH of the matter is for my heart that has been destroyed by the industry, the people who are raising my son and society because they refuse to acknowledge everything you just did. Your daughter will hopefully be fine as you are supporting her by acknowledging the feelings she may have, and getting her the help she will need to process all of those feelings.

      I started an organization that has been embraced by others with your exact same mindset 'WE DON'T SUPPORT EACH OTHER ENOUGH'. It's called Saving Our Sisters and it is an all volunteer nationwide network of like minded people who realize just this, and everything else you said in your comment - the infant SUFFERS, the mother SUFFERS, there is TRAUMA in every single separation of an infant from his or her mother. At SOS we provide that support, we provide a perspective of let's analyze your situation Mom and let's see to what is temporary, let's see what may be a long term issue and let's see what resources there are in your area to assist with these long term issues. We also connect them with a local mentor from our network. Someone the Mom can reach out to for whatever reason, even if it is just to talk. We give them FULL DISCLOSURE of the realities of the trauma, complex PTSD, Developmental PTSD, the lifelong grief that her infant will suffer when he or she loses her mother, and how there are no guarantees her baby will grow up understanding why he or she was given to strangers when mom went on to have other children and kept them. We explain that her infant will cry for her until she breaks, exactly as you mentioned happened to your daughter the first few days. That baby's spirit was broken, literally broken. She cried for her mother until she gave up that she was never coming back. Many unaware adoptive parents chalk it up colic. It is really the breaking of that tiny human and the only things she knows, her safety net.....her mother's voice, her mother's smell, her mother's sound of her heartbeat and the taste of her mother's milk that was made especially specifically for her.

      Thank you for acknowledging these facts. Come check us out on Facebook, or at the Concerned United Birthparents website, we became a program of CUB in 2015. A 40 year old non-profit. We would love to have you help.

      We have helped every mother that has come to us keep and successfully parent her baby except for 2 moms over 6 years. One just couldn't make the right decisions and her daughter is being raised in a very open adoption, and another who surrendered because she didn't have the means to transport her daughter to all of her Dr. appointments after unexpectedly being born deaf. But the latter was due to financial reasons, as all of the mothers we have helped were too due to financial reasons. The average financial assistance that the mothers have needed to keep their babies....is $500. That means for every $40,000/infant adoption (some are much more), 80 mothers could be assisted to keep their babies.
      Let that sink in.....

    10. Anonymous AP, you did indeed say "our birth mother at some point in the process, shared with us that, though they loved the baby growing inside them, when they found out they were pregnant, they just felt the child wasn't theirs." That's a pretty way of saying "born to the wrong mother." I admit your words are more poetic, but they boil down to the same thing. Simply saying you appreciate the DNA your child possesses from their birth family doesn't change that. I stand by my original reply to you on that. I believe my daughter was born to the right family, but because life sucks (I don't share details publicly so I will leave it at that), we are her second family. If the world was perfect, I would not know my daughter. God was not trying to bring her to me through some special means- the world let her down by not supporting her in staying exactly where she belonged.

      "I think it's valuable to express different perspectives while truly allowing each person their truth. I haven't expressed at any time that anyone doesn't have a right to their feelings. But why is my experience being interpreted as so offensive simply because it may be different?"

      Answer: because it is not YOUR experience that you are sharing. It is your children's birth moms'.

      This place is for first parents to share their experiences. You shared, from your viewpoint as an AP, what your children's birth moms think based on a couple snippets. I'm not clear why you can't understand why that's off-putting? That's privilege, right there, and it's always infuriating to be on the receiving end of a privileged person's take on a situation they do not know about firsthand. I'm not sure why you would think other first moms want to listen to APs try to tell them how a "birth mom I know" doesn't feel the way they are saying, as if by proving there is an exception to the rule, we somehow prove the rule wrong? I see it as a personal need for the AP to disconnect from the guilt and discomfort by saying "Oh, but that's not me. That's not us. We aren't like that." I called it offense, but I could call it a prick of the conscience if that suits better. Why else would you make your original comment?

      Wdbirthmom, I do follow SOS on facebook, and you do excellent work. I sent a message a while back that I live in the Bay Area and am available for support, if ever needed, and I track your page in case that area ever comes up as a need. I agree wholeheartedly with your vision.

      "It is really the breaking of that tiny human and the only things she knows, her safety net.....her mother's voice, her mother's smell, her mother's sound of her heartbeat and the taste of her mother's milk that was made especially specifically for her." You made me cry, as I always do when I remember those first days. It is the saddest sound in the entire world. I can provide assurance that that is indeed true- my daughter mourned the loss of her mother even though I never put her down, never left her alone, never stopped trying to comfort her. It shattered my heart into pieces, and I would have given the world to put things to right for her had it been in my power.

    11. What I said, and I stand by, is that we are both parents to our children, and we both play different roles and I actually believe there is a karmic connection that we all share that will never be broken. I do not think what you are accusing me of, I didn't say say or intimate what you are accusing me of, and I'm not sure why you are insistent to put thoughts into my head that are disgusting except that it must make you feel somehow better. Please stop it.

      I made my original comment because when it happened, my child's birth mother (I'll just speak specific to one of them for the purposes of clarity) sounded incredibly hesitant as she was saying it, as if she was ashamed or afraid of our response. She was not being supported at all by her family or her community in her decision. She was all alone. She shared that the burden of that thought was impossible for her to share with anyone around her, and finally saying it gave her some peace. She struggled so much, and we were there for her in any way we could be. It didn't necessarily diminish my daughter's birth mother's pain of loss, but I do think feeling safe in saying it to some one meant something to her. Add to that the fact that my son's birth mother said the same thing to us -- and in neither case did we see this comment coming -- it made me think maybe that thought crosses more birth parents minds and knowing others have shared that thought might make other's feel O.K. about having the same thought. She needed our complete acceptance, we didn't hear her comment as offensive, we've shared it before in person-to-person conversations and this is the first time it was taken as offensive. So the reaction here has given me pause.

      We can take in other's opinions in different ways. Some obviously chose to take what I said as wanting to prove the rule wrong. I didn't know there was a rule about how a birth parent is supposed to feel. I think my children's first parents' feelings can co-exist with any other first parent feelings that are contrary. It is hopeful that neither needs to be dismissed or judged negatively.

      When my daughter was only weeks old she went through a phase of anxiety that was bizarre and worrisome. We eliminated any medical reason and in time she moved past that phase. During that same time her birth mother was in agony, but she refused to communicate with us -- she said she needed to have a clean break from us. Those weeks were filled with feelings of suffering for her, worried for her, for our daughter (our as in hers and mine). So when I tell you I agree with what you said about what it was like in the very beginning and how beautifully you expressed it, I meant it.

      I am truly sorry if I communicated thoughts in a way that has added hurt to any first parent. It's the last thing I want to do. And to spare you any worry that I will continue, I understand I'm not bringing any value to your conversation, so I will step away. At least I won't write anything. :)

    12. Tiffany, your great feeling heart really helps my great hurting heart. Thank you for being brave enough to see the big picture . Bless your loving heart.

    13. Anonymous, I hope you will stay and continue to converse. There are many things about what you say that I really don't like, but I can tell your heart is in the right place and this is a place we can learn from each other. It gets terribly painful sometimes but the conversations here are worth it.

      Your children's mothers' of origin sound very isolated to me. And what pregnant women say and think while pregnant is so radically changed by the process of giving birth, a process that is so profound as to change the very structure of a person's soul forever. For this reason I am completely against both pre-birth matching and anything that intrudes upon the mother and child for days after the child is born.

    14. Thank you Cherry and Lorraine. I was concerned that what I was trying to say isn't coming across when I'm accused of needing to feel better about myself by defending others...

      I sincerely hope someday to meet you all! Your voices have made such a difference in how I view adoption and how I talk about it with others. Good intentions on my part just aren't enough, and I realize that.

    15. Tiffany, you are wonderful.

      End of post.

    16. MrsTarquinBiscuitbarrel, that made my day. <3 I'm having a rough one, so thank you!

    17. Aw. Well, you ARE wonderful: hold that thought.

  12. Tears of loss bringing chills to my body and soul.
    Where is the gift in return for the giving away one's baby to who knows who?
    Many of us live with the bottomless empty pit that no gift from anywhere or anyone can replace the aberrant deal we made. So sad we continue this cruelty to mother and child.

    1. For me the gift is watching my beautiful girl grow up with everything she needs and opportunities I couldn't have given her. 16 years later, yes there is still grief for me, but I know that I gave my child the best I could for her and have never regretted it!

  13. These people need to get a pet. It's all about their journey for them. And God's will - maybe not having a kid is God's will for you? Maybe? So, at the high school graduation, the "mom" will be seventy. Nice.

  14. People magazine puts Hoda and baby on the cover, so cruising the grocery store I read the story while waiting to check out. 1) The adoption, it turns out was far enough away from NYC that it required an airplane trip. Thus if an open adoption, it will be hard to Mom to visit. 2) In parens, it says that all details of the adoption are being kept private. Probably, so is the adoption. 3) Clearly Hoda wanted to have a child, she got cancer years ago and that left her unable to do it naturally...but I was left feeling, gee whiz, isn't it the way that the upbeat adoption story always makes adoption seem like such a positive thing for the adoptive parent or parents, and the "lucky" baby?

    And then today...the New York Times has a cartoon in the science section on the despair of having a miscarriage. Grieving a Miscarriage: An Illustrated Discussion

    I wouldn't feel irritated by this if somewhere, somehow, we got an appreciation of what it is like to give up a baby for adoption.

    1. I had two miscarriages at 3.5 months after I gave up my baby, interestingly her birthday is in November and both miscarriages were in November. My reactions to the miscarriages was absolutely NOTHING like losing a baby to adoption although I might have felt differently if I had been farther along. Being of a cynical nature, I'm thinking the NYT cartoons were for those last chance for a baby career women who wait until they are 40 to get pregnant. I suspect the next stop for these women is an adoption agency or fertility clinic which is where they may have gotten the embryo.


      Mine died.

      Big damn difference.

      It's called CHOICE, lady.

      And you made yours.

      God made mine.

      Get over yourselves with this "first mother" shit. You're women who gave up your babies. Period. You lost your rights when you handed them over thinking only about yourselves and what an inconvenience they'd be to you. Not enough money. No baby daddy around. Priorities!

    3. Ellen, you sound hostile af toward bio moms (first moms, birth moms, whatever a mother chooses to identify as). Since you referenced God, I'll assume you're religious, and suggest God aborted your fetus because he was trying to tell you that you're unfit to be a mother. Not so nice when the shoe is on the other foot, now is it? By the way, I'm an atheist. Stuff just happens in life and you clearly have unresolved emotional baggage that requires therapy.

    4. I published her nasty rant so others could see some of the nice comments we get. And how some others see us. Let us assume she is an adoptive mother--Oh brother, if her son wants to search or speaks anything other than you are my ONLY mother, I came by stork, I have no ancestral history.

  15. She's too old for a baby. Imagine your mom being 83 when you're 30. If she croaks and her daughter is disabled and can't get work....

  16. Well, a year has passed since Hoda's adoption and I'm wondering just this.... when does Hoda ever have time to actually be with the very child that she chose to adopt? I calculated her work day be going by what she has mentioned every now and again on both her Kathy Lee and Hoda show, the Today Show and whenever she does sit-ins for NBC affiliate programs. She must be at home for at least 6 hours a day to sleep and have most weekends off. She speaks of flying to speaking engagements on the weekends, dinners, award shows and banquets, tapings of shows, meet and greets, etc. etc. Now I see that she was in Korea for the Olympics.

    I'm always mystified why people with so much money, who can "choose" to take that gift of time and do what ever their hearts desire with their family and they choose to work long hours, alone, away from their families. I always ask, What about the children? When do they ever find "time" for the children?

    I suppose people like Hoda get into tv for fame and money. Why else would someone choose a network job? There's more than likely obligations and 'favors' that still need to be filled before she can completely have time for family. Like with anything in life but, particularly in tv land, you have to pay the piper for all those goodies and opportunities that were handed to you. Sort of like the mafia. You never really get to leave the mafia until you 'age out'.

    In the end Hoda will be immortal. I just hope that my assumption regarding her not spending much time at home with her adoptive child is wrong.

    I'm confused as to why people have babies created either through sperm donors, surrogacy, test tube or what have you. I have a friend who was the first to have a baby via frozen sperm and frozen egg. I have family who have traveled to China and Russia to adopt children. There are so many children who need to be adopted in this country that it's saddening. The Appalachian mountains to the inner cities of Los Angeles are begging for people to adopt children.

    Great blog and great topic. I hope it brings more awareness to both sides of the adoption process. Regards.



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