tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post1082504888979579384..comments2024-03-14T17:59:30.786-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Epilepsy, Adoption, Pharmaceuticals: Suicide Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-13095580521293276282015-10-15T10:03:00.275-04:002015-10-15T10:03:00.275-04:00NOBODY, knows how complicated any relationship is ...NOBODY, knows how complicated any relationship is to ones parents. The same can be said about many, many people. I have known personally of some devastatingly complicated and deadly relationships that were so horrible they could not be contained within family walls. Most often with non adopted family members. Not being able to meet parental expectations is very common, and yes, damaging. How different that would have been had a person stayed with the birth mother cannot be assessed. <br /><br />I think your forum brings a valid viewpoint that is not brought into the picture for adoption scenarios, and should be something discussed. But the fact of the matter is that there are many, too many children who are being raised by parents who could not do it. The prisons, half way houses, shelters, and streets have too many of those who just had childhoods so terrible that they could not overcome. The stats are right there for that situation. A valid study should be put together to measure whether the adoption is a better solution for those who are going to have a baby and do not have the means and support to take care of one. The family members and people I know who found themselves in such situations and kept the child have not had good results as compared to their peers. Those who gave up the children or aborted them, have themselves done better in terms of self sufficiency, and those adopted children going to homes that were ready and willing and wanting to raise them have done well overall. That does not mean that there are not situation where it was overall all a net plus to have kept the child with the mother. But I think the overwhelming numbers will show that it is better for a child to be adopted. And that is WITHOUT including the quality of life of the parents who ended up adopting and WITH the regrets and primal pain of the mother giving up the child and the child given up. The measure being used is self sufficiency. <br /><br />My close childhood friend is finally recontacting the 4, yes, 4, children she gave up. All 4 self sufficient and doing well, better than she was doing those years when they were growing up as she really had no discipline to raise children, much as she regrets it now Her sister who did not give up children she had that were born in difficult times, has two in jail and the other two terrible messes, not at all self sufficient. But she and those grown children would swear up and down that they are glad and better off not being adopted. I don't think so, and neither would most people viewing the situation. Emotional judgement does not ring true most of the time. Maternal instinct is often wrong. Yes, we want to keep our babies, even if it's the wrong thing to do, when it's pretty danged clear that caring for another person is not going to be optimal or even adequate. All natural feelings are not the best way to go. <br /><br />My father gave up his son, due to the misery his own father inflicted on three children that he should have given up. My half brother was raised in a loving family, is highly successful by every measure. Yes, he did wonder about his natural father, wanted to seek his roots from there. I'm sure there was pain as part of the consequence but not anywhere nearly as far reaching as what would have been in trying to raise a child in abject poverty, depression, and an inability to make it work. The primal pain is part of the price one pays when giving up ones child even if it is for the better. Some things are painful no matter how wonderful the end result is. In fact, many things are. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07636670946994161261noreply@blogger.com