tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post1215647351094399992..comments2024-03-27T20:48:39.389-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: Does my (birth) mother think of me on Christmas?Lorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-58076724034846578992011-12-28T10:18:34.342-05:002011-12-28T10:18:34.342-05:00Abagail wrote:"This is the great "gift&q...Abagail wrote:"This is the great "gift" of adoption. Many of us are fucked forever."<br /><br />Something came to mind after reading this. You know the social engineering project called closed adoption meant that we were never even supposed to know who each was let alone reunite. I guess reunion never even factored into the thinking of those who were pushing so hard to separate mothers and their children. Although I doubt very much was figured into their thinking except how much money they could make.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-64969050587548529762011-12-28T09:51:14.309-05:002011-12-28T09:51:14.309-05:00Three Christmases now. Never once has she spoken t...Three Christmases now. Never once has she spoken to me on Christmas. We exchange gifts by mail so there is contact. But it hurts to be so inconsequential.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-38186359381431224402011-12-28T09:47:48.812-05:002011-12-28T09:47:48.812-05:00The holidays are so hard for those separated by ad...The holidays are so hard for those separated by adoption. For me it's a descent into an abyss because I was born in January. I can't help but think of my mother, separated from her family at the holidays while 8 months pregnant with me. So depressing for so many people. May you find happiness this holiday season with those you love.Triona Guidryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00969598333210972017noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-3614282209992561572011-12-28T09:13:29.432-05:002011-12-28T09:13:29.432-05:00Christmas! With my daughter not speaking to me I ...Christmas! With my daughter not speaking to me I hate the whole damn month of December. If I could erase it from my life, I would. <br />This is the great "gift" of adoption. Many of us are fucked forever. <br /><br />Now if I could get over this cold.Abagailnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-60597008437755751522011-12-27T21:49:22.554-05:002011-12-27T21:49:22.554-05:00All I know is that I always thought of and missed ...All I know is that I always thought of and missed my son on holidays. His birthday was particularly hard. <br />We have had an on and off stormy relationship over the years - just as he has had with most people including his adoptive family because he is deeply troubled and abuses drugs. Now they're mostly prescription drugs; but he still abuses them and is hard to follow sometimes in conversations. <br /><br />Nevertheless, he's my son; albeit dysfunctional. I still always missed him and have a very hard time during periods I would love to be with family and yet I have no one either. <br /><br />He didn't call me on Christmas but called last night to apologize that he was too depressed to call the day before. My heart aches when I speak to him because time seems to be running out for him to turn his life around. I hate adoption - yes I'm glad I found him but it would be dishonest to just act as if that's enough for me now. Not sure if this makes sense... but it is what it is and I will be so glad when the holidays are passed.Carolchttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12983135296851385826noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-23722557722664366642011-12-27T14:22:02.961-05:002011-12-27T14:22:02.961-05:00Well, I was without internet access for a few days...Well, I was without internet access for a few days(libraries closed), so I'm catching up with FMF today. I cooked dinner for 15 on Christmas Eve (my siblings and some of their kids). Everyone knew I was feeling down because I hadn't heard from my son since last summer, and my sister's husband is adopted so we had some weird discussions and shared some jokes that went over most everyone else's heads ;eg-adoptee's comment "don't forget your presents Did anyone leave anything behind that they really wanted to keep?";firstmother's reply to question'Where is that other bottle of wine?Answer 'I brought it up(stairs)' Well,I'm just getting back to normal And lo and behold, on Christmas day my son finally called He said he had been stressed out from some surgery that he had Or maybe he was tired of getting weird voicemails from me every week and just wanted to shut me up for awhile Whatever. Today I'm happyAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-14755603513015274412011-12-27T10:39:45.184-05:002011-12-27T10:39:45.184-05:00Quibbling?
We're just letting down our hair ...Quibbling? <br /><br />We're just letting down our hair with other mothers.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-46413500324008411542011-12-27T09:22:45.096-05:002011-12-27T09:22:45.096-05:00Oh dear, is it really necessary to raise a quibble...Oh dear, is it really necessary to raise a quibble over who had the "better chance" of bagging their man? <br />Whatever the reasons, we and our children all ended up in the same sorry boat.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-78326065914856714962011-12-27T08:03:38.234-05:002011-12-27T08:03:38.234-05:00Not so good a chance, Lo. When I told my boyfriend...Not so good a chance, Lo. When I told my boyfriend I was pregnant,he said he had been seeing a new girlfriend on the sly, no longer loved me, and would not marry me. I was utterly crushed. I had no idea. He offered to pay my hospital expenses but I don't think he ever did. Also came around during my pregnancy with the new girlfriend, whom I hated, but couldn't show it. I still hate the name "Eileen" (sorry to any innocent bystanders by that name out there:-) He later married her, they got divorced, no kids. Then he married an even worse woman, one kid, messy divorce. As far as I know he stayed single after that.maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-13103578806665571252011-12-26T22:42:28.203-05:002011-12-26T22:42:28.203-05:00In some cases, it took more than just getting the ...In some cases, it took more than just getting the guy to agree to marriage. In my state, males had to be 21 years of age unless the parents signed for them which my guy's parents refused to do.trinanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-17013469014532341082011-12-26T20:59:05.369-05:002011-12-26T20:59:05.369-05:00Right! You had a better chance, Maryanne, because...Right! You had a better chance, Maryanne, because he was your BF. MIne, ah mine, had to disentangle from his marriage; I begged, DO IT NOW. He said: It will be easier later. After. <br /><br />He did leave his wife and family--yes, that part is true--and ask me to take up where we left off...but it was too late. For my daughter. For us.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-10893432770087085742011-12-26T19:05:11.855-05:002011-12-26T19:05:11.855-05:00Lorraine wrote:" Well, just think how differe...Lorraine wrote:" Well, just think how different so many of our lives would have been if we all got the fathers of our children (whom we gave up) to marry us."<br /><br />Where WAS that shotgun when we needed it?:-)maryannenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-78634540964749788942011-12-26T16:54:59.090-05:002011-12-26T16:54:59.090-05:00Lorraine wrote:"Well, just think how differen...Lorraine wrote:"Well, just think how different so many of our lives would have been if we all got the fathers of our children (whom we gave up) to marry us"<br /><br />My first mother could have gotten a medal for trying. And I do think it would have been better for me even if they had divorced when I was little. At least I would still have gotten to be a member of both of the families I was intended by nature to be a part of.Robinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-17363391118296349382011-12-26T11:39:10.192-05:002011-12-26T11:39:10.192-05:00Lorraine, I thought you might be interested in the...Lorraine, I thought you might be interested in the series I have written for The Salt Lake Tribune on putative father registries and Utah adoption law. Here is a link to story number 2: http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/home2/52433534-183/utah-law-court-adoption.html.cspAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-85858993823187353112011-12-26T11:16:32.540-05:002011-12-26T11:16:32.540-05:00Well, just think how different so many of our live...Well, just think how different so many of our lives would have been if we all got the fathers of our children (whom we gave up) to marry us. <br /><br />The adoption rate would have plummeted and we'd all be happier today. <br /><br />Pity.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-13348448987591741542011-12-25T13:56:14.941-05:002011-12-25T13:56:14.941-05:00She got Joseph to marry her.She got Joseph to marry her.Barbara Thavishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13646036820037271522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-21010277362712651362011-12-25T11:51:06.403-05:002011-12-25T11:51:06.403-05:00At least Mary didn't have to give Him up. Odd ...At least Mary didn't have to give Him up. Odd to think of it that way.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-57772250775717473242011-12-25T09:31:14.873-05:002011-12-25T09:31:14.873-05:00Merry Christmas!
Remember Mary mother of Jesus wa...Merry Christmas!<br /><br />Remember Mary mother of Jesus was unwed.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-42294166871952407992011-12-25T02:48:17.386-05:002011-12-25T02:48:17.386-05:00Merry Christmas to you Lo, and to all of us who ha...Merry Christmas to you Lo, and to all of us who have been torched by adoption. <br /><br />I'm not a religious person, but every time I go to a cathedral I light a candle for those whom I have lost.elizabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09384756673501569994noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-28585130921566429522011-12-24T20:51:25.364-05:002011-12-24T20:51:25.364-05:00Lorraine,
Thank you for your, as usual, wise and t...Lorraine,<br />Thank you for your, as usual, wise and thoughtful post, yet filled with hard truths too. My heart goes out to you at Christmas. <br /><br />Robin - yes I often think of peeling off the layers of an onion, but never thought of a rotten stinky one. Good metaphor.<br /><br />On another note, we really shouldn't forget first fathers. I am (mostly) blessed with the father of my daughter being my first sweetheart. He is very close with our daughter and attends (or used to) an adoption support group. I heard from him today after a long silence, but no word yet from my daughter. <br /><br />Merry Christmas and peace to all those in reunion, in a silent period, not in reunion and extra strength for those like Lorraine whose children are no longer alive.<br /><br />Angela W.Angela Wheelockhttp://www.sittingwithsorrow.typepad.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-29217118663762531082011-12-24T09:41:07.311-05:002011-12-24T09:41:07.311-05:00Dear Barbara Thavis:
XXXX to you and everyone. We...Dear Barbara Thavis:<br /><br />XXXX to you and everyone. We had to cancel our usual holiday plans (which involve a trip to NJ) because I am feeling under the weather, literally, with a blocked sinus, and so we were without family. I ran into a friend in the supermarket yesterday afternoon and she invited us to a dinner tonight with their kids and other friends of ours and I'm baking my mother's pumpkin pie with whipped cream, of course. <br /><br />Life does go on, despite how we feel. And we return to our equilibrium, wherever that was. <br /> <br /> Merry Christmas!Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-26171742009294180752011-12-23T19:31:25.545-05:002011-12-23T19:31:25.545-05:00Lorriane,
You are a lifeline to me. I read your bl...Lorriane,<br />You are a lifeline to me. I read your blog several times every day. You are not alone this holiday. The community of mothers who lost out on their children is with you. Thanks for bringing us all together. And thanks to the adoptees that help us understand their experience so we can be more compassionate to our children. <br />Merry Christmas,<br />BarbBarbara Thavishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13646036820037271522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-40823304645104785362011-12-23T16:44:52.813-05:002011-12-23T16:44:52.813-05:00Thank you eveybody--Jenn, Mei-Ling, Robin, Denise,...Thank you eveybody--Jenn, Mei-Ling, Robin, Denise, Maryanne, and Marianne and Anonymous and everybody else who is checking in. <br /><br />Holidays are hard.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-5247237383999401422011-12-23T15:01:53.149-05:002011-12-23T15:01:53.149-05:00Happy Holidays to all at FMFHappy Holidays to all at FMFRobinnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-85937109008323316232011-12-23T14:56:58.997-05:002011-12-23T14:56:58.997-05:00The more blogs I read and the more comments I read...The more blogs I read and the more comments I read the more I see how ugly adoption really is. It's like peeling back the layers on a rotten, stinky onion.Robinnoreply@blogger.com