tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post1220745393995255117..comments2024-03-14T17:59:30.786-04:00Comments on [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum: A Call Kaepernick should make--to his birth motherLorraine Duskyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comBlogger110125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-80521650987008101762014-09-05T23:40:27.748-04:002014-09-05T23:40:27.748-04:00I think your comment is very fair.I think your comment is very fair.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-26916494111163842342014-09-05T23:14:08.535-04:002014-09-05T23:14:08.535-04:00What a horrible thing to say. Shame on you Momof3....What a horrible thing to say. Shame on you Momof3. So happy life turned out all roses for you!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-1320593103786887282014-01-19T09:25:32.719-05:002014-01-19T09:25:32.719-05:00We posted this comment (above) because it is not j...We posted this comment (above) because it is not just a screed against us or Colin, but because it has information that we were not aware of. Anon, could you tell us where you heard that his mother called him after watching the Russo interview? <br /><br />If it is true that Kaepernick's adoptive mother cried, I am sorry because I know how that makes adoptees feel--they don't want to hurt their adoptive parents, mothers especially, and so the tears make them stop dead in their tracks. I know that my daughter's mother cried deeply when I called--my daughter told me, she was crying when her parents came to tell her I was on the phone, and Jane (my daughter) thought someone had died. "I've never seen my mother cry like that before," she said. <br /><br />But Jane's parents had been <i>trying to get in touch with me.</i> The whole subject of the "other" mother is deeply emotional, and tears from the adoptive parents are to be expected. But that doesn't mean that they don't want adoptees to do what they need and want to do--meet the natural mother. If what the last (above) comment says is true, I am sorry that it led to Kaepernick's rejection of his other mother, Heidi Russo. <br /><br />I may write more on this today, but at a new post. Time for coffee and reflection this morning.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-46633139899800954582014-01-18T22:46:55.810-05:002014-01-18T22:46:55.810-05:00I think the fact that Colin's adoptive mother ...I think the fact that Colin's adoptive mother told him to watch the interview on ESPN and then call her back..which he did..then adoptive Mom started crying..making him feel bad ..like it had hurt her so bad..that he didn't want to see his birth Mom for fear of hurting adoptive Mom even more..and she played the big girl part ..like I will go with you..or set it up for you..but all the while knowing she wanted to be a part of it..not letting him go on his own..and feel free to feel his Own feelings in stead of how to worry about how Adoptive Mom was going to feel about it...He's grown now..let him go..he also has a younger brother that hasn't done anything to adoptive Mom..that might like to meet older brother..maybe ..just maybe ..he might have room in his heart for everyone...without having to feel guilty about it..What is adoptive Mom afraid of? She Might say something different than what she has told him..How can she feel like she said something untrue and tell Colin that, if she Really wants him to meet his mother..She knew it would make him mad at her..Adoptive Mom needs to get over her own insecurities and let Colin be the man she raised him to be.<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-74372469179225108032014-01-12T19:58:45.614-05:002014-01-12T19:58:45.614-05:00COMMENTS CLOSED<b>COMMENTS CLOSED</b>Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-71560792815468288602013-08-05T16:24:55.427-04:002013-08-05T16:24:55.427-04:00Wow lorraine, I'm surprised you let that last ...Wow lorraine, I'm surprised you let that last comment go. And you know what as much as I try to understand birth mothers, it seems like they don't want to even try to understand how we feel <br />""No wonder you keep being rejected, and you deserve it, too" <br /><br />and to try to say the birth mother experice is worse that being an adoptee isn't constructive either, <br /><br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-65341716081391672162013-06-20T11:40:22.942-04:002013-06-20T11:40:22.942-04:00This is a blog about first mothers. The adoptee e...This is a blog about first mothers. The adoptee experience IS important, but this blog is about first mothers. People coming here to take potshots at first mothers need to go find an adoptee blog and do that. We hear enough garbage about ourselves everywhere we turn. We've already been through and are still facing so much. We don't need the additional abuse in a space that is supposed to be supportive.<br /><br />We can all talk about the primary trauma that an infant adoptee experiences but at the end of the day, guess who remembers the trauma more clearly? Guess who has to think about it each and every day long after the adoptee has forgotten? Lose a child and then come back to me and tell me how little you feel. Tell me how it was exactly like being given to strangers as a newborn. And good luck with that because I will just laugh at you.<br /><br />And to anyone out there who has adopted a child in an open-adoption arrangement? YOU are the ones with the final say in whether an adoption closes. Even if the mother backs away, as long as you stay at the same address, she can always come back and find you. And maybe you should tell her that from day one, so she knows she can come back. And yes, her coming and going will be hard on the adoptee. But even harder is Mom disappearing forever and the adoptee never knowing why.<br /><br />I do get it, you know. But the abuse is going to have to STOP. Because I read this garbage and I want to get angry and say, "No wonder you keep being rejected, and you deserve it, too." And that's not fair either.<br /><br />Hope Heidi's still interested in a reunion when Sonny Boy finally gets over himself. I'm guessing she will be, but who can say?Dana Seilhanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11749354913843954242noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-50811559951969870792013-02-18T13:41:27.235-05:002013-02-18T13:41:27.235-05:00I don't know, it seems a little unrealistic to...I don't know, it seems a little unrealistic to expect someone to reveal his innermost feelings to the media, and to take what's said to cameras and interviewers at face value.<br /><br />I would probably claim I didn't care about a lot of deeply personal things that actually mean a lot to me, if my response was going to be on television. Reason being, I simply don't want to share those things with the whole world. Private life is private.<br /><br />He may be saying what he's actually feeling, but to me the simple "No" without elaboration reads more like "I just don't want to talk about this" than any sort of accurate portrait of how he feels about his two families.Mercernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-64415803444024987672013-02-18T11:16:08.437-05:002013-02-18T11:16:08.437-05:00Rick Reilly recently asked Colin about his birth m...Rick Reilly recently asked Colin about his birth mother and the responses were not exactly the story book variety that some had been hoping for.<br /><br /> Russo sent Colin one last letter, for him to open at 18. Even after reading it, he had no interest in contact with her. A lot of adopted kids think if they so much as talk to their birth parents, it’s a slap in the face to their adopted ones. They refuse out of a vague notion of respect.<br /><br /> “Is that how you feel?” I [Reilly] asked Kaepernick at Super Bowl media day [before the game]. “That it would be disrespectful to meet with your birth mother?”<br /><br /> “No,” Kaepernick said. “It’s not really a respect thing. It’s just — that’s my family. That’s it.”<br /><br /> “But aren’t you curious?”<br /><br /> “No.”Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-3049508831211950162013-02-14T12:30:15.378-05:002013-02-14T12:30:15.378-05:00AHLondon:
It would have been bold for you to sta...AHLondon: <br /><br />It would have been bold for you to state, as you do in that link, that you are an adoptee who does not want to search because you respect your first mother too much. Bold but courageous. <br /><br />Sorry but your rationale is a bit too pat; sounds nice but falls apart upon inspection. You are making assumptions based on nothing. Your mother may be praying you contact her, and she is not searching for you because of how much she "respects you." Sound like a crazy idea for keeping people apart, doesn't it? You never know what you might find, you might find more love than you can allow yourself to dream of.Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-4620255818107836722013-02-14T11:36:59.714-05:002013-02-14T11:36:59.714-05:00I keep forgetting to come back and comment, especi...I keep forgetting to come back and comment, especially since it was so long. As an adoptee, I think people often overlook the love and respect we have for our birth mothers. We don't want to complicate their lives with our mere curiosity. I think that might be in play here. Like I said, long comment, so I wrote it all up here: http://www.anamericanhousewifeintexas.com/2013/02/05/between-adoptees-and-their-birthmothers/AHLondonhttp://www.anamericanhousewifeintexas.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-23446547851815729042013-02-10T04:46:13.221-05:002013-02-10T04:46:13.221-05:00I believe that Kaepernick is completely justified ...I believe that Kaepernick is completely justified in not responding to pressure from his mother *and* media to initiate contact in the public eye. It's inappropriate to expect him to do it *now* because we believe he should, or because it would make a great human interest story for TV or magazines. We are not in full possession of all the facts. We do not know how or when Russo contacted him, what she asked of him, etc. He clearly wants privacy *at this time*. <br /><br />Reunion is best handled as a private matter and will probably come about when the furor dies down, IMO. He is also pretty young and may need to be married, or have children to be ready. Who knows?<br /><br />I hope mother and son will get their chance to communicate one day, when they are *both* prepared.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-45356127052533478382013-02-08T17:03:32.216-05:002013-02-08T17:03:32.216-05:00They both lost and they are both underrepresented....They both lost and they are both underrepresented. We all know who the most representes party is. That is the problem, people “taking sides“ when they have not walked in eithers shoes...PhoenixRisinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07655924058370540037noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-76984000857694449452013-02-08T15:57:01.069-05:002013-02-08T15:57:01.069-05:00My apologies if I incorrectly labeled an adoptee n...My apologies if I incorrectly labeled an adoptee not adopted.<br /><br />And thank you Lorraine; I hav eno desire to be called "most traumatized." <br /><br />For the record, I have been an outspoken adoption reformist and author long before my duaghter's untimely death in 1995, and as Lorraine points out it makes me no more or less traunatized than she or any number of other first mothers who have lost their child twice or found abused children.<br />My opinion that adoption sucks would be the same if she were alive.<br /><br />As for this issue, yes, it is entirely every individual's option whether to have or not have a relationship with any other individual. <br /><br />For me, the best summary of the situation is this:<br /><br />Anonymous said... <br />Heidi(mother) to Colin(son):"I'm sorry" Colin to Heidi:"Bad mommy,bad mommy-you have to pay for what you did"<br /> <br />February 4, 2013 at 1:47 PM<br /><br />She is reaching out to him and he is turning his back on her in a kinda "unforgiving" manner IMO. Does he have a RIGHT to? Of course he does! that is not the issue. Does his right to ignore her make it NICE or RIGHT? Not in my book, but it's not my life.<br /><br />And I cannopt help but wonder if he had an opportunity to meet his natural father who never was there for the get go -- as far as we know -- would he meet him or ignore his as well?Mirah Ribenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13626873757236976251noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-613053307884694092013-02-08T13:42:59.654-05:002013-02-08T13:42:59.654-05:00@Stephanie,
No reason to try and burn me down wi...@Stephanie, <br /><br />No reason to try and burn me down with false accusations, just because I tend to take the side of the child who has lost his mother, rather than the mother who has lost her child, if his side seems to be underrepresented. They are both victims of the same crime.<br />Theodorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14634057445114838262noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-25346510011466118952013-02-08T07:33:50.758-05:002013-02-08T07:33:50.758-05:00@Theodore:
"I may never have lost a child t...@Theodore: <br /><br />"I may never have lost a child to adoption, but I've always been rather familiar with a non-recovering mother-son relationship, destroyed by adoption lies, thank you." <br /><br />So now you are so concerned about non recovering mother son relationships "destroyed by adoption lies"; while you make sure you take a dig at this woman by the making the "queer" statements that she basically got what she was coming to her; in a situation you yourself were not there but feel the need to cast stones at her, (yet recognize that these relationships are "destroyed by adoption lies") <br /><br />Aren't you contradictory. <br /><br />"Could you explain your queer statement about the "natural mothers of the world"?"<br /><br />It was a figure of speech; obviously lost on you. THANKS. <br /><br />Stephanie PhoenixRisinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07655924058370540037noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-68726037716759404302013-02-07T17:52:29.498-05:002013-02-07T17:52:29.498-05:00"Mirah, I am not going to screw with you beca..."Mirah, I am not going to screw with you because you are the most traumatized of "birthmothers". <br /><br />I know the anonymous who said this came back to explain herself. I also would like to say:<br /><br />As a mother to my bio daughter at the age of 17 out of an abusive adoptive family, I could have been a mother of loss and so could many other women who dodged a bullet. You know who you are. Statistics have shown many female adoptees become pregnant teens and give up their child. I know of a few and they are courageous adoptee women who have the strength to speak publicly about this. One even wrote a book that is a triumph of the human spirit. She could have stayed in the closet because of the shame of abandoning her child when she herself was abandoned and repeating that cycle on to her child. But she had the courage to write her story which helped people to understand who she is, and why she relinquished her daughter. In reading the book to the end, there is no judgment to be thrown at her, but tears of joy for reuniting with both her birth family and bio daughter. While I am thankful I didn't lose my precious daughter to adoption, I do know the insurmountable pain of losing my mother and family. <br /><br />With that said, I think it's too easy to throw out words like 'bitter' and judge who is the 'most traumatized'. I know as an abused adoptee we are unanimously and regularly dismissed because we are thought to be too maladjusted, damaged and mentally unstable to have valid opinions. This is another form of silencing and censoring. The APs and others who do this seem to think only healthy and stable adoptees should be heard from. In church this is like asking for all the perfect and sinless people to stand up and cast a stone at the others, so only the people who are deemed acceptable are allowed to be heard from. No one qualifies. Anyone (who is human) that has suffered the loss of their loved ones in adoption will be traumatized and emotionally wounded for life. We all try to manage it the best we can. Adoption IS about trauma, not a fairytale. Stop expecting all people affected by adoption to be healthy and well adjusted out of the most damaging wound of their life. Everyone's voice counts in being heard. Every. Single. One. The 'most traumatized' to the 'most stable'. When I hear from an adoptee friend who has been diagnosed as psychotic from a childhood of abuse, racism and trauma, his voice is necessary, even compelling. Why? Because he is living proof of how horribly wrong adoption can go. That's not censoring the adoption dialogue to those who are deemed normal and stable through the lens of those who never suffered adoption loss. That's opening the discussion to hearing the full spectrum of good, bad and horrific that resulted in the experiment called adoption, allowing for all the people who lived through it to be heard. <br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-25893713706422223262013-02-07T11:04:32.406-05:002013-02-07T11:04:32.406-05:00Thanks, sports fan for the correction on Kaepernic...Thanks, sports fan for the correction on Kaepernick's height. Here is what I changed the post to: <br /><br />Both of Kaepernick's natural parents, were 6"2', according to Wikipedia. Kaepernick is 6"4' or 6"5', depending on your source.<br /><br />Lorraine Duskyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18285341379272250245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-48134685400271052092013-02-06T17:05:00.715-05:002013-02-06T17:05:00.715-05:00I don't know if it's been answered, but he...I don't know if it's been answered, but he was 7 when Heidi Russo decided to break contact.<br /><br />Also, Colin in 6'5", 3 inches taller than his biological father.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-44127346188356756672013-02-06T14:34:01.469-05:002013-02-06T14:34:01.469-05:00@Theodore Your comment about being more understand...@Theodore Your comment about being more understanding of Colin's not wanting to meet Russo at this time and saying maybe he was just doing what was done to him got me thinking. Yeah, when someone hurts me my reaction is to want to hurt them or reject them or maybe just ignore them if they've ignored me Sometimes, I become aware of why I'm reacting like that and then I can rise above it and turn a negative into a positive, and sometimes I can't I'm not adopted, so I don't really understand. I'm just one of those"birthmothers" that the world seems to despise so much.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-13726489309214732432013-02-06T14:22:51.293-05:002013-02-06T14:22:51.293-05:00After I found my son, it wasn't until a few mo...After I found my son, it wasn't until a few months later that he made some comment"It wasn't my fault" he said, I'm so clueless that I didn't realize until several months later in a therapy group of adoptees and birthmothers that he thought that it(my giving him up) had been his fault- that he had been a bad baby or done something wrong Now I understand-and I assured him that nothing could be further from the truth He was the cutest baby ever and very good The problem was with me I had lots of problems, but what none of those social workers told me was that the stress of giving up my baby would make everything so much worse. Maybe Colin thinks he did something wrong to make his mother leave, and yes, it would be only natural to be angry,too. Anyway, he has a busy life right now and probably just needs more time.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-11850849785653182652013-02-06T10:58:29.870-05:002013-02-06T10:58:29.870-05:00Sarah wrote, "Maybe Collin's "should...Sarah wrote, "Maybe Collin's "shouldn't" have done that, and by doing so, keeping the story alive in the media?" <br />Fancy that now. An adoptee having the nerve to respond to an adoptive father, no less - who, because he has a daughter adopted under rather different circumstances from Kaepernick, has the ineffable wisdom to pontificate on the matter. How dare Collins disagree with him and thereby "keep the story alive in the media". Maybe he should have sucked up and shut up, like a good little adoptee.<br /><br /> "And did you read the first piece as a scold?" <br />What I actually said was that it sounds reproachful and "close to scolding". But since you ask, I think it's paternalistic manipulative moralizing. <br /><br />"I read it as a sensitive piece from an adoptive father, writing more about his own daughter than CK"<br />He is projecting his his daughters experience (or rather his interpretation of her experience) onto Kaepernick and his situation. I don't think that's "sensitive". <br /><br /> "When the story is in the media, is part of his bio, has this other human interest story, commentators, uh, will comment."<br />What's in the bio is that he is an adoptee. that's all. It doesn't give commentators carte blanche to give unsolicited advice masquerading as opinion. <br /><br />"On issues that are as "complex and diverse" as this one is.""<br />On any personal issues. Not their beeswax. Agreeing with the Anon who wrote "It's a private matter, or should be."RealBettynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-40070793251423072242013-02-05T23:29:33.588-05:002013-02-05T23:29:33.588-05:00Theodore: You are correct in that the mother/son d...Theodore: You are correct in that the mother/son dynamic is completely different from the mother/daughter one. I know this from the sons/daughters I have parented. So it's true, I don't have any experience with losing a son. My Mother was adopted, so again, another female's side. I was simply trying to explain the perspective of a first mother in an open adoption...like Heidi was. There aren't many of us out there from the 80's, and definitely no one to counsel us on WHY cutting off contact isn't a good idea. It is probably a pretty safe assumption that Heidi had nowhere to turn when things got painful, and she couldn't move on. Shoot, we don't know if a social worker at the adoption agency may have told her backing off might be a good idea...try again when he's older. We do what we can to survive, and burying our hurts where we can no longer see them is sometimes the only way. <br /><br />I have tried and tried to get my birth-daughter to open up and talk to me about her issues. She is for the most part, non-communicative about it. There were times in the past when the flood gates would open, and she would talk to me, but mostly she keeps it inside. She is definitely NOT an open book. She doesn't open up to her aparents either. I would LOVE to get everything out on the table and communicate with her! Even if it hurts me to hear it, I WANT to know how she is feeling. Believe me, it has caused major problems because assumptions are made and conclusions drawn by lack of communicating...that's not good. But you can't force someone to talk. Things are very "on the surface" with my daughter. I can only guess that going deeper hurts too much. Then again, I could be wrong. You can't help heal someone who doesn't let you in. <br /><br />When Heidi cut off communication, I would hope his aparents reassured him that it wasn't his fault...that she loved him but had to go away for awhile. Something to help him not to feel rejected again. I would venture to guess there was no counseling for children like him either. My other guess would be that when she returned, it was because he was an adult. She could deal with him as an "equal." Maybe her expectations were too high, but again, these are basically unchartered waters. <br /><br />I was simply stating my side, because it's the only side I know first-hand. Amyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10115696612301521540noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-33986388236545492652013-02-05T19:42:58.956-05:002013-02-05T19:42:58.956-05:00I think the situation is far more complicated than...I think the situation is far more complicated than we know. None of us knows all the facts. All we do know is that Kaepernick is not interested in speaking with Russo *at this time.* And we should respect that. <br /><br />As far as adoptees pulling back or not wanting contact in order to "punish" our mothers, that may be the case in some circumstances, but not all. I would not presume to say that Kaepernick is doing this. As I said above, it's complicated. <br /><br />I have been accused by my mother of being "punishing" for pulling back when I have done so not to hurt her specifically, and not because I am raging about being left at the hospital, and not because I have a subconscious desire to be cruel, but because I have needed to take care of *myself* in light of some other very, very complicated, troubling circumstances involving extended family. I know it's easy to place blame when expectations aren't met, or to think what the other person is doing is about punishment for long-ago ills (or imagined ones), but that is not always the case. <br /><br />The most important thing when you love someone is to communicate, when possible, about feelings; and to be honest and polite. Taking space is not the biggest crime in the world, on either side, if you're honest about why you're doing it, and can do it in a non-judgmental way.<br /><br />I hope that when the limelight is off Kaepernick, and he has more room to think, that there will be resolution of this matter out of the public eye. It's a private matter, or should be. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-574300303008890516.post-52384533498200268722013-02-05T18:58:02.550-05:002013-02-05T18:58:02.550-05:00@Tara, what's wrong here is not enough compass...@Tara, what's wrong here is not enough compassion with a real mother's child. Let's assume that he has been hurt by the relinquishment, that he is really a good boy, who has a sporting carreer, an adoptive family he loves and a mother who has never been able to learn how to deal with the man he is and to teach him how to deal with the woman she is. I guess his mother does not like it much when her son gets bashed.<br /><br />@Stephanie, "No longer interested in his fate? How the hell do you know this?"<br /><br />Read the text.About 7 years of updates and then she stops them, we all understand why, but I was merely describing how Colin could have perceived it, to indicate that that may have worsened her situation again. <br />Why she did so, does not matter if we try to understand the behaviour of her firstborn son.<br /><br />I may never have lost a child to adoption, but I've always been rather familiar with a non-recovering mother-son relationship, destroyed by adoption lies, thank you. <br /><br />Could you explain your queer statement about the "natural mothers of the world"? Theodorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14634057445114838262noreply@blogger.com